marriage advice

[CLMargaret]

I’m looking for some help in forgiving my husband and moving forward.

A little background… a few years ago I found out about my husband’s infidelity through reading his email. We worked through it. I was able to forgive him and learned to trust him again. I had finally gotten to the point where I didn’t feel the need to track his whereabouts on the computer.

For some reason recently I felt the need to check up on him again. (I don’t like this about myself.) I discovered he was having sexually explicity conversations with another girl. He sought her out, complimented her, and things went from there. Nothing in person as far as I know.

So now we’re back to the drawing board. Simply put, our marriage is worth fighting for. He love me and wants to make things right. I am capable of forgivenss. We have some other minor issues to work on, such as not taking a bad day out on each other. But overall, other areas are in good shape.

I struggle with a few things. One, I keep reliving things in my head. I know I need to live today and leave yesterday in the past. I love him and want to show Christ’s love to him. I try to concentrate on prayer instead of anger, but sometimes I lose my focus. Any suggestions?

Also, I don’t want to follow my husband around on the computer, but I really don’t trust him. This wasn’t a first, and who know what I don’t know about. I believe he is making an honest effort to do better. But there is a part of me that thinks seeing what he is doing will provide peace of mind. I told him I wouldn’t be tracking him anymore. Where is the line between trust and sticking your head in the sand. Help.

Also, I am already praying and would glad accept additional prayers. too, he is not
willing to see a counselor.

thanks for any advice you can provide.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I’m sorry, Margaret, that this has gone on in your marriage. Question, why won’t your husband see a counselor? If he doesn’t try to find out the why’s behind his behavior, they might keep repeating themselves. His need for female attention other than his wife is a problem, and one that isn’t going to go away, without some help as to why he did what he did. It didn’t just happen once, so I just wonder why if he is trying to do what he can to show you he’s changed, he wouldn’t consider seeing a counselor? If it were my marriage, can I just be honest? It would be a non-negotiable if my husband wanted to remain married to me. (but that’s just me, I’m not suggesting this for you–just being brutally honest about what I would expect if I found out my husband was cheating a few times on me)

I also hope your husband is NOT making you feel that you are somehow responsible for his infidelity. Many couples make mistakes, and take their ‘‘bad days’’ out on each other…I just hope your husband is owning responsibility for this. Not to say, you can’t work on things together…but, I just hope he is owning this, and not blaming you. Again, my husband would have to seek counseling if it happened more than one time for me to wish to stay in the marriage. (again, that’s just me) I believe in forgiveness, but when trust is being broken over and over, it would take me seeing my husband willing to get to the heart of why he broke that trust to begin with…not just a verbal commitment, but actual action towards change.

Above all, my prayers are with you and he to get through this, and hopefully, for it never to occur again in your marriage.*

 

[Catholic1954]

If your husband refuses to go to counceling, go by yourself. So far, I don’t see much effort on his part to stop this behavior, and you look like the bad guy for not trusting him. Fidelity and trust are a 2 way street and he has to do his part for it to work.

 

[flyingfish]

But there is a part of me that thinks seeing what he is doing will provide peace of mind. I told him I wouldn’t be tracking him anymore. Where is the line between trust and sticking your head in the sand. Help.

Also, I am already praying and would glad accept additional prayers. too, he is not
willing to see a counselor.

thanks for any advice you can provide.

Why doesn’t he want to see a counselor? Doesn’t he realize that cheating on you twice is a problem? Unless he has a really good reason for not wanting to get help, I would question the sincerity of his repentance.

That said, checking up on your husband all the time is not very useful. It provides a level of reassurance, but if you don’t find anything is it because he’s faithful or because he has learned to cover his tracks?

Also, what will you do if you catch him at this again? Say he will cheat again and you find it, are you just going to forgive him for the third time? If so, then what’s the point of finding out? If you don’t plan to leave your husband over an affair, isn’t it better for you not to know?

If you plan to leave after the third time, why not leave after the second time? What’s the difference?

I guess you could always make him take a lie detector test from time to time, but those have a failure rate as well

 

[monicatholic]

clmargaret,

first, you don’t like yourself for being suspicious, but your suspicions were correct. why rebuke yourself for having good instincts?

next: trust is earned. when it’s broken in profound ways like adultery, it takes a LOOOONG time for the offending person to rebuild his partner’s trust in him/her. when trust is broken in the same adulterous way again, it will take even LOOOONGER.

healthy people react to adultery with many feelings, including a deep, traumatic sense of distrust. unhealthy people try and talk the harmed partner out of his/her distrust.

don’t let him talk you out of your healthy distrust, but be willing to let him take a LOOONG time to rebuild.

finally, get tested for STDs.

 

[MercyMia]

Why are you apologetic about looking on his computer? It is called instinct, and it is a gift from God. Never down-play your gut feelings, they may save your life one day.
I agree what the others have said…get your husband to a priest or Catholic counselor. For every girl you have discovered, who knows how many are still tucked away. Take your computer to a professional and have them sweep the hard drive and give you whats on it. You need to know the whole story. If he has no interest in keeping his marriage vows, you need to protect yourself.

 

[iluvmybabies]

*I’m sorry, Margaret, that this has gone on in your marriage. Question, why won’t your husband see a counselor? If he doesn’t try to find out the why’s behind his behavior, they might keep repeating themselves. His need for female attention other than his wife is a problem, and one that isn’t going to go away, without some help as to why he did what he did. It didn’t just happen once, so I just wonder why if he is trying to do what he can to show you he’s changed, he wouldn’t consider seeing a counselor? If it were my marriage, can I just be honest? It would be a non-negotiable if my husband wanted to remain married to me. (but that’s just me, I’m not suggesting this for you–just being brutally honest about what I would expect if I found out my husband was cheating a few times on me)

I also hope your husband is NOT making you feel that you are somehow responsible for his infidelity. Many couples make mistakes, and take their ‘‘bad days’’ out on each other…I just hope your husband is owning responsibility for this. Not to say, you can’t work on things together…but, I just hope he is owning this, and not blaming you. Again, my husband would have to seek counseling if it happened more than one time for me to wish to stay in the marriage. (again, that’s just me) I believe in forgiveness, but when trust is being broken over and over, it would take me seeing my husband willing to get to the heart of why he broke that trust to begin with…not just a verbal commitment, but actual action towards change.

Above all, my prayers are with you and he to get through this, and hopefully, for it never to occur again in your marriage.*

I agree with whatevergirl…Counseling is a must…and a no should not be accepted…If he doesn’t get to the bottom of things he can fall into temptation again…

I am sorry to hear you are going through this Margaret, but counseling is a must and you must get him to agree to go with you…GOD forbid you go through this a third time! You are in my prayers…

 

[Sierrah]

Not married here but I do know that if a guy cheated on me he’s pretty much already left. Ok so forgiveness is great but God doesn’t expect us to be a doormat either. So I would say fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. Got with your gut. Pray for God to lead you in the right direction. I’m not saying don’t give him another chance just buyer be very aware. After his cheating twice I wouldn’t trust him myself but if you can find a way more power to you.

 

[SarahR]

I am so sorry you are going through this. God bless you and hold you.
My ex husband was also adulterous. Don’t blame yourself for your husband’s failings. You need to stay faithful, stay prayerful, but please don’t pressure yourself to “forgive and move forward”. Yes, forgive in the sense that you want your husband to turn completely from his sins and live in God’s graces. But you are not responsible. He freely chose it again after knowing how deeply it wounded you, your marriage. Please get counseling for yourself! You have been hurt tremendously and you need someone on the outside who can help you. Adulterers tend to be very good at making promises and using their words…that’s part of the reason anyone else would be interested in them. Empty promises, flattering words…to the other women and to you as well. I would be very suspicious of the sincerity of a husband who is unwilling to go to counseling.
Tracking on the computer, cell phone records, receipts etc is a tricky thing…you’ll drive yourself crazy and they can ALWAYS find ways to hide info (a new hidden email account you’ll have no idea even exists, another pre-paid untraceable cellphone, etc)…where there’s a will, there is unfortunately a way.

Please keep entrusting yourself to Our Lord, let Him hold you…and get help for yourself. You need to get out of your head and let a good Christian experienced counselor give you perspective. Don’t feel sorry for your emotions! Being a victim of an adulterous spouse is HELL. Healing will take a looonnnng time, with or without your husband.

God bless.

editing to add: the burden is on him to rebuild trust. Yes ideally you will eventually need to be willing to be open to forgiveness and rebuilding trust, but frankly, he needs to do a TON of work, and willingly. If he wants to, there is a lot of help out there for him too!!!

 

[CountrySinger]

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s horrible ways. I had a boyfriend cheat on me, and it is horrible. Tonight I have vocal performance, and I’m singing “Before He Cheats” in honor of all woman who have been cheated on. I’ve always wanted to live out that song on some jerks car. Ha ha ha.

 

[carac]

Hi:

I can relate, I’m sorry to say. My DH confessed his affair to me last March (which began as internet flirting). As far as I know, it was a one shot deal, but I too am dealing with the challenges that has left in terms of forgiveness, love and trust. Or, as I’ve come to realize it, the challenge of faith, hope and charity.

What you said about your feeling guilty about checking up on your DH I can especially relate to. I got in my head that my DH was sleeping with other people too, inlcuding our house-keeper. One morning my DH decided he was “sick” on housekeeper day, and I went ballistic, eventually convincing him he should go to work that day anyway. But that didn’t prevent me from driving by the house three times that day to make sure his car wasn’t in the driveway with hers. That episode sent me on another downward plunge.

I wonder what is your goal in checking up on him? I asked myself that question in my three drives to our house that day. For me, it was two things. Mostly, at least at that time (it’s since changed), I wanted to catch him so that I would have that extra justification to leave him. To say that I took the high road and gave him another chance, but in cheating again, he made it clear that he had left the relationship - that it wasn’t me giving up on him, but the other way around. That way I wasn’t the bad guy, I wasn’t the one who couldn’t forgive - I could argue he was already gone. On the flip side, I thought if I didn’t catch him it would help me trust him more. That didn’t work - I just figured I didn’t catch him when I tried, but he still could have done it. It was my mindset that I wanted to catch him to justify my leaving him that made me feel guilty. It was admitting to myself that I had lost hope in our relationship.

I am still praying that God will help me with trust and love (I can’t say I love my DH right now, but I do respect him). As for forgiveness, I am learning that that’s an “each day” thing. Every morning, I wake up and choose to forgive him (something I expect I’ll eventually do with trust and love). For me, forgiveness is accepting the past, and moving foward without further punishing DH; it doesn’t mean it’s been erased, and it’s not ignoring that there are natural consequences to his actions. Maybe that’s not perfect forgiveness, but it’s where I’m at for now.

It appears from your post that you’re rather like me - you just want to deal with what’s in front of you quickly, pop it back in its box, and move forward. I have struggled with that, too, just wanting it all over with. As much as I hated it, I am learning it’s all about baby steps. Be patient with yourself and with your DH.

I don’t know what your DH is like and whether it would be helpful, but I have made a point of sharing my journey with DH (and my spiritual director) so he always knows where I’m at - whether it’s painful for him or not. If nothing else, I think it’s brought home to DH just how incredibly wounding and destructive his actions were upon me and even upon our DD(which I hope will make him think twice next time he’s tempted). Would being brutally honest with your DH without “going off” on him help?

Through it all, try to take this with you. God keeps faith forever. It’s said over and over in the Bible, particularly in the Psalms. No matter where all of this takes you, in the end, God will still be right there with you. You can place your trust in him and you will not be betrayed.

It’s hard. Cut yourself some slack.

I’ll pray for you and your DH.