Marriage Advise

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endaman

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Hi,

I married last September 2008 it was a Catholic wedding we both come from Catholic families, hers are quite big drinkers though. We were not practising Catholics when we married, I had been a Christian of sorts for 10 years and had a very strong faith in Christ. But when putting together the mass ceremony for our wedding and the marriage sacrament itself there was a draw to the faith I was born into. My wife had no interest in my faith but in her defence she accepted my faith. The thing is, on our honeymoon through the Andes in Argentina I felt a huge calling to Catholicism especially at a religious festival where I went to mass. Receiving the Eucharist was very special there, it was amazing. After that I read much history and after much prayer I realised that Catholicism was the correct path for me, finally. Thing is my wife drinks a lot and over the years has got me to drink a lot also, she is also involved in drugs sometimes, I did not have the will to break another heart to end it before we married, plus she claimed to be suicidal when I suggested it before the wedding. Right now we are back after our 5 month trip and I am regularly going to mass and love it, but I find it very difficult to practice my faith with her. She is quite negative towards it, she tries to get me to drink Saturday night which makes Sunday morning mass difficult. A lot of her friends are very anti-catholic and mock me, but I accept this as part of the faith. She has some nice points and I did love her but these days I am thinking our love is not strong enough to have children together, I have had a lot of thoughts about splitting. My calling to Mass and to learn more about God is very strong but it is being inhibited, I don’t know what to do. At the core of this are a few issues, one is my faith that is why I am posting here, the other are her addictions and lack of faith. Has anyone any advice for me? Because we married in the Catholic Church do I have to accept this and continue our marriage and try to make things better? Or should I think about an annulment. I spend so much time now thinking about this, so many of my prayers are for this.

EM
 
I think you need to go to your priest, hopefully it is the one who married you or the priest you saw at Cana. Did you go to pre marriage counseling?

I suggest you go first and talk to a priest privately. And be frank about your thoughts before you married her.

Pray for strength and guidance.
 
It might help if you persuade her to join in a parish organization/Catholic group where both of you would be involved somehow. Just a thought, maybe it might be worth thinking about.
I will pray for both of you.
 
Talk to a priest about this in private, see if he thinks you had a valid marriage.

Did both of you intend to be open to life when you got married? What do you mean she was suicidal, did you marry her because you were afraid she would kill herself otherwise?
 
As others have suggested it is a good idea to confide in your priest and have a very frank talk about how you were feeling before the marriage and how you feel now.Also is there any Catholic marriage guidance couselling available in your area?
This could be worth a shot at least for your wife to recognise how you feel about her drinking and lack of practising faith.
Good luck keep us posted with what happens.I will keep you in my prayers
God bless
 
endamen - my first inclination is to tell you that it is too soon to consider splitting up. Unfortunately, things are not rosy right now. But I can tell you from being married 19 years - things are not rosy at times. I questioned my marriage right after we married because we seem to have different opinions about things. Through many ups and downs, good times, bad times - our marriage is the strongest it has been - and it still has growing ahead of it. You should still practice your faith - as strongly as you can. A lot of faith can be practiced in private - going to and from work, etc. Your witness to your faith may affect her positively. But remember what Padre Pio said - ‘duty comes first (marriage, home, work, etc.) except for the basic requirements of your faith.’
I think its too soon to consider annulment. If there was abuse going on, it might change things. If both parties acted in good faith, God called you two together for a reason. Sometimes it’s very hard to think that way when you are in the throes of something like this. That’s why it’s good to do what you are doing - reach out and talk to people.
Sometimes in marriage you have to do hard things. My wife’s sister in law is an example. But she said she will not quite on her promise to God.
It’s great that you heard God calling you. I’m sure there’s a mighty reason. Stay with Him, continue to learn the faith - it will help you understand what you should do.
 
Thanks for all you support, advise and prayers. I am going to use your advise and try and lead by example, it may lead to less lapsed Catholics around us drinking less and doing other bad things. I will talk to a priest there are good Franciscians near here. I will continue in prayer and update this thread in the future.

Thanks and God bless you.
EM
 
I am glad to hear you are trying to keep your marriage together. It sounds like you both maybe need some new friends to minimise the drinking. Try meeting other young couples at your parish. Look into what your diocese offers for young adults also. We have a “Theology on Tap” program where people meet together in bars for a talk but also socializing. Your wife may think that sounds like more fun than a meeting in a parish hall!

Remember that drinking itself is not a sin–but drinking in excess and neglecting your duties because of it are. If the drinking is really a problem, you may also want to consider al-anon which is for the families of alcoholics.

Please do consult with your priest about your faith and your marriage–not to seek out an annulment, but to get counseling for how to help you both become the faith-filled couple you want to be.
 
If he married her because she threatened suicide if he left her, that is not free consent. That is duress. This marriage is most likely not even valid.

OP, if you still want to try to make it work, that is an option you can pursue. But I really think you did not give free consent.
 
Right now I am praying for her to find faith and to come to terms about her addictions. I did love her, definitely and still do. There are a few more points I would like to mention. Just before I married her I did not fully want to marry but she definitely made me feel much sympathy for her. She did threaten suicide if we split up. She even said that men who split up just before they marry are weird even called them gay, which is totally untrue in my case. We lived in London for a year before we married, we are Irish. She found a pre-marriage course that I believed was religious. There were a number of points I wanted to discuss at this course, mainly her alcohol abuse and drug taking. Unfortunately it was pretty much a secular half day course with very little depth or good advice. There was not much chance to talk about issues. The only thing religious about it was its location in a Benedictine hall. Her priest was happy with the course. At the time I was very stressed as I was the bread winner completely. Her mother wanted us to marry as I am quite sensible and had a good job, she was quite friendly with their priest who married us. So anyway, there is some more information, and it looks like we have problems that we need to discuss. I do feel it is difficult for me to practice as a Catholic right now, but I will stand up for my faith and try not to be inhibited. I really feel prayer helps; I am praying a lot and thank you for your help and prayers.

Dear God please help me to live my life as a Catholic and allow me to worship you uninhibited by alcohol, drug or other pressures that sometimes surround me. Please help me to be a good influence and witness to people around me in my life. Amen

EM
 
You have a couple options worth looking into.
Code: 
[rmem.org/rmeexperience.html](http://www.rmem.org/rmeexperience.html)   A  12-step recovery marriage encounter led by former al-anon and alcoholic anonymous leaders.
and also retrouvaille.org/ A retrouvaille retreat. And also rent the movie Fireproof. There is also a program attached to that too. Check it out.
Keep praying. You made vows until death do you part, not until times get difficult or I don’t like being with my partner any longer. It’s worth working on.

Jesus made a vow like you did on your wedding day…to be there with you even when it feels like the wine has run out as it did at Cana. And what did He do? He performed a miracle. Making the best of what was a difficult situation. Go to him and he will offer you the best remedy…consolation and healing. But it all begins with prayer.
 
endaman you and your wife remain in my prayers.Have you had a chat with your priest yet? If not give him a ring to make an appontment to go & visit him so you can talk privately.Priests can be very busy its best to make an appointment that way he can give you his undivided attention.
Thanks for sharing a bit more with us about your feelings.The priest will be able to guide you so well ,this is something they deal and have experience with marital issues.Please dont be embarrassed it is normal to confide in the priest.Dont let “things” stop you from practising your faith.Remember we can pray silently all the time and no-one would know we are privately praying.I do it all the time.I pray when in driving along the road,when im running my bath,cooking dinner etc.If the wife is not attending mass at the moment dont let it stop you.If comments are made try to ignore them and say a prayer for her at mass.

When you talk with your priest and tell him all this he will make you feel so much better.You will have a strengthened direction.He will know about catholic marriage guidance in your area etc or even if its appropriate.He may try to visit and talk to your wife etc who knows? All manner of things are possible.
Let us know how you get on?

God bless you
 
Thanks all again. Yes, I went to my Priest and it was great, got confession also. We spoke for quite some time. He told me that its way too soon to consider an annulment, she is a lapsed Catholic, she was baptised, so therefore God has her, she is one of his, so therefore I have to give her more time. I can not force religion on here, in time she will hopefully return to faith. All this and more he told me and I spent the last day since that with her family and it was quite nice. There are problems there, alcohol, but I can see that I have been a good influence and will be in the future with her family and friends. I think I can in some way see part of Gods plan for me unfolding. Where my wife comes from there are lots of good kits gone wrong because of alcohol and drugs there are problems but maybe for now I have a part in playing attempting to lead by example.

In the past there have been times that I have been no angel at all myself so I can expect her to totally change just because I have returned to my faith in a big way.

I can pray a lot, that is not inhibited and should be able to get to mass almost always. So for now I am going to work with her on her problems and continue walking with the Lord.

Thanks all, I will update this thread if anything changes.

EM
 
endaman said:
Thanks all again. Yes, I went to my Priest and it was great, got confession also. We spoke for quite some time. He told me that its way too soon to consider an annulment, she is a lapsed Catholic, she was baptised, so therefore God has her, she is one of his, so therefore I have to give her more time. I can not force religion on here, in time she will hopefully return to faith. All this and more he told me and I spent the last day since that with her family and it was quite nice. There are problems there, alcohol, but I can see that I have been a good influence and will be in the future with her family and friends. I think I can in some way see part of Gods plan for me unfolding. Where my wife comes from there are lots of good kits gone wrong because of alcohol and drugs there are problems but maybe for now I have a part in playing attempting to lead by example.

In the past there have been times that I have been no angel at all myself so I can expect her to totally change just because I have returned to my faith in a big way.

I can pray a lot, that is not inhibited and should be able to get to mass almost always. So for now I am going to work with her on her problems and continue walking with the Lord.

Thanks all, I will update this thread if anything changes.

EM
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This is excellent news my friend im so happy for you both.Im so pleased you spoke to your priest,he sounds wonderful.Keep praying for guidance throughout your life and anytime you have worries speak to your priest again.May you continue to be a good influence to your wife and her family hopefully one day they will follow your example and come back to the Lord.God bless you both and may you have a long and happy marriage.
 
Hmmmm… when is it not too soon to consider an annulment? After three kids have come into the picture to be damaged?

Seems now is the perfect time to be examining truthfully, to yourself, whether your consent was truly free, and whether, without all that pressure, you would have married her.

Sounds like even more pressure with the the way you describe her mother, the financial situation. I still think you did not give free consent. You were under duress.

DO NOT have children with her until her problems are resolved and she is functional and able to parent appropriately. Besides, it sounds like, at this point, getting her pregnant would condemn your child to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
 
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