Marriage after divorce ADVICE PLEASE

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Sheilah921

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Hi everyone, i am new to this site. I am relly confused and need advice please.

My partner was married to a woman and has 3 kids with her. They had a divorce. I met him when i was 19 and I got pregnant. I now have 2 children with him and we are getting married in 4 months ( a civil ceremony). I decided to look up annulment as i was keen to see would this be possible. I seriously didnt realise until now how strict the catholic rules are and that we are classed as living in a lot of sin. 😦 I have 2 children with a man whose been divorced. What does this mean for me and my family :confused:
Will the church turn its back on me now? Im really confused and upset, I am only 25 and am bringing my children up catholic. I know ive made mistakes in the past but I have started attending mass again and want to sort my life out.
Now after looking this all up on the internet it seems like we arent welcome in the church anymore and i dont know where this leaves me and my religion 🤷
Id be truely grateful of any advice

thanks xxxx
 
before you get married, civilly go talk to your local priest. He will help give you guidance. Maybe your significant other will be willing to wait and go through the annulment process for you to make this right.

The Church won’t turn it’s back on you but does expect things to be a certain way. You may go to Church and be a part of the comings and goings of community but cannot go to reconciliation and thus Eucharist until you can go to reconciliation. But as someone put on another post earlier today, that there is nothing you are doing that you cannot stop doing in order to make the situation right.

I bet your SO loves you and wants to make things right too, so you can grow in your Faith. Have him go with you.

peace.
 
I don’t have any advice, just virtual tea and sympathy. Hang in there and let us know how things go! :hug1:
 
Make an appoinment to talk to your priest. He can help guide you on the right path. Simply lay out all the facts and he can help you determine what needs to be done. He can also give you spiritual guidance.

Do this as soon as possible. Definitely before you proceed with attempting a civil marriage.
 
Thanks everyone 🙂

I will go talk to the priest and see what he says. But arent we already classed as living in sin because we’ve kids and live together? Plus even if i have a civil ceremony it wouldnt make an difference because the catholic church wouldnt recognise it?

After googling it I cant believe that in the eyes of the church he is still married to his xwife and is commiting adultry by being with me!! Call me young and niave but i REALLY didnt know that divorce didnt mean divorce and you werent free to get married again! 😦
I knew it meant we couldnt get married in a catholic church but i thought we would at least be able to get blessed by a priest. Even my mum who is very religious didnt realise it was like this and now she is upset.

Also after looking up annulment i dont think he’l be able to get one under the rules for it. His x wife is such a nasty person, she twists the children against him and has a new partner who she let abuse her children. They now live with their granny.

Surely he deserves the chance to be happy again, i just feel like giving up on my whole religion :(😦
 
Shelia make an appointment with a priest we can not possibly give you advice without more detail. Even then our advise could be wrong:eek:. Your husband-to-be may be free to marry if his first marriage was not considered valid by the church. Do this before you have a civil ceremony, then you will have some idea of your standing and choices you need to make in regaurd to the church.

For example, if he was a baptized cathoic and was married in Las vegas by Elvis it may have been a legal marriage but still not recognized by the church. Catholics have to be married in the church by a priest unless they get permission to get married some other place. A priest can advise you on this and if necessary the annulment process for him. If he needs an annulment you can get the ball rolling on that end. Please seek help and if the first priest doesn’t help go to another one until you get the help you need.

Don’t give up, praying for your situation…
 
Sheilah921 said:
Thanks everyone 🙂

I will go talk to the priest and see what he says. But arent we already classed as living in sin because we’ve kids and live together? Plus even if i have a civil ceremony it wouldnt make an difference because the catholic church wouldnt recognise it?

After googling it I cant believe that in the eyes of the church he is still married to his xwife and is commiting adultry by being with me!! Call me young and niave but i REALLY didnt know that divorce didnt mean divorce and you werent free to get married again! 😦
I knew it meant we couldnt get married in a catholic church but i thought we would at least be able to get blessed by a priest. Even my mum who is very religious didnt realise it was like this and now she is upset.

Also after looking up annulment i dont think he’l be able to get one under the rules for it. His x wife is such a nasty person, she twists the children against him and has a new partner who she let abuse her children. They now live with their granny.

Surely he deserves the chance to be happy again, i just feel like giving up on my whole religion :(😦
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The grounds for annulment are complex – some sites provide examples of each Canon, and they are only examples. But that’s for a Tribunal to decide. Talk to a priest honestly, and he should as well for the possibility of filing for an annulment (or he may contact the Diocese) and see if the grounds apply to him for a decree of nullity. He has to complete a questionnaire.

If the Tribunal decides to proceed, she cannot stop the process. If she refuses to respond, the Tribunal proceeds without her. What she does now is not relevant – what happened before and when they married is what is important and what they are looking for about the validity of the marriage at the time it took place. And the Tribunal contacts her - he does not.

Don’t lose hope. Only he can give details to the Tribunal for the decree of nullity process. You cannot know or decide what the result will be. Neither can any of us. We don’t know your future spouse, the conditions under which he was married, anything about the ex, whether he was Baptised, where he got married, etc.

God Bless.
 
His marriage seems to be totally ligitimate, they got married in a catholic church by a priest. Thats why I dont think he’d have any grounds for an annulment 😦

All i can do is talk to a priest and see what he says about it 🤷

Thanks everyone xx
 
Sheilah921 said:
His marriage seems to be totally ligitimate, they got married in a catholic church by a priest. Thats why I dont think he’d have any grounds for an annulment 😦

All i can do is talk to a priest and see what he says about it 🤷

Thanks everyone xx
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There’s more than marrying before a priest in a Catholic Church. Do not despair – none of us are qualified to judge the circumstances that preceeded them both at the altar. He really needs to speak with the priest as he has the necessary details. You need to also – but he needs to for information on the decree of nullity.
 
Sheilah921 said:
His marriage seems to be totally ligitimate, they got married in a catholic church by a priest. Thats why I dont think he’d have any grounds for an annulment 😦

All i can do is talk to a priest and see what he says about it 🤷

Thanks everyone xx
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There’s a lot more to a valid marriage than where it happened. You really need to speak with a priest.
 
Regardless of how it all works out in the end regarding your marriage, please continue to take your children to church and allow them to receive the benefits of the sacraments and make friends within the church. It will be a wonderful gift to them as they go through ‘stuff’ in life. Don’t deprive them of the richness that is available to them.
 
Sheilah921 said:
does this mean its not available to me anymore though?
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You will have to speak to your priest and have him give you advice for your situation. It is ‘irregular’ but that doesn’t mean your children can’t participate in the sacraments, even while things get sorted out. Nothing happens quickly and patience is required.

I hope you can spend time with Jesus in the Eucharist and pour out all your cares and concerns to him. He loves you and cares for you. God bless as you walk this new journey.
 
Sheilah921, first of all, your sin is not that you have the children with him, but that you had/are having sex outside of marriage. There is an option of abstaining from sexual relations, and confessing that sin. Given that you are raising children together may have an effect on whether or not it is a good idea to live together. These are all things a good priest can help you sort out.

As for his first marriage…when Catholics get married, they make certain promises to each other. Unfortunately, many Catholics are so poorly informed about marriage, are not mature enough, have psychological issues that get in the way of being able to truly MEAN what they are saying when they make those promises (or maybe they are simply dishonest). When that happens, when a couple doesn’t mean their promises, the marriage isn’t valid. So just because his first marriage took place in the Church, that doesn’t mean that the marriage was valid. He needs to speak to a priest about looking into getting an annulment. You really can’t judge whether or not his first marriage was valid without first talking to a priest.
 
Thanks, that makes me feel a little better about it. He was 18 when he got his girlfriend pregnant and his mum told him he had to marry her because he got her pregnant. Could the fact that you truely werent 100% informed about the rules of the catholic church go in your favour for an annulment?

I mean I truely didn’t know that the catholic church didn’t see a divorce as actually being properly divorced from the person. I feel like I was too selfish when i was younger to bother to understand religion and now I’ve reached a time in my life that I want to turn to religion and lead a better life. Its just a pity that I now realise how much sin I am already living in 😦
 
It is sad that your parents, your godparents, your CCD teachers, your priests and all the Catholics in your life failed to teach you about your Faith. Those of us who are parents and godparents and catechists need to remember that it is our duty to not fail those entrusted to our care.
 
Sheilah921 said:
does this mean its not available to me anymore though?
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No.

I strongly agree with everyone else, please go see a priest. He will be HAPPY to talk to you. Call the parish office and schedule an appointment. That way, he will have time set aside for you. People do this all the time. You have a lot of questions, the answers to which will likely raise more questions. Your priest can help if you give him a chance.
 
I will go to a priest and let you’s know what he says. I guess I’m just scared because I’m obviously already living in sin that there’ll be no hope for me and he’ll not want to speak to me or something! :eek:
 
Plus my friends from different religions (one from latter day saints and another a protestant) are trying to tell me all the flaws in my religion because of the problems I’m having. They keep saying that the catholic church contradicts itself and makes up its own rules. 🤷

Especially my friend whose a morman, she spent 2 hours today telling me all about her church. :eek:
 
If he got his girlfriend pregnant and was basically told to marry her, that’s considered a ‘shotgun’ marriage and a very good cause for an annulment. As a matter of fact, "shotgun’ marriages are still looked upon as not being free will in the Catholic Church. Each person must come before the Church completely free and of their own will. These days, if a couple discloses this to the priest, it is commonly suggested that they wait a few months after the child is born before considering marriage. Pregnancy negates the vow. He will almost definitely get the annulment. All he needs to do is prove his first child was born less than 9 months after the wedding.
 
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