Marriage after infidelity... POLL

  • Thread starter Thread starter cabolissa
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I hope my spouse someday wants to be forgiven. In such a case offering forgiveness to the unrepentant is good for oneself but does little to bring the marriage back together.

I am curious about the response given by one person here–that is, yes “I forgive but would not trust the offending spouse again.” Isn’t this something other than forgivenness (understandable to be sure).

Because the poll question is something I have been forced to think about a lot in the last year, I often wonder if I am able to truly forgive (on what basis will we rebuild that broken trust? Would there always been a shadow left behind?); I’ve started to think that forgiving is doing me a world of good but nothing for my spouse.

JB
 
Jan_Bolbot said:
I am curious about the response given by one person here–that is, yes “I forgive but would not trust the offending spouse again.” Isn’t this something other than forgivenness (understandable to be sure).

Because the poll question is something I have been forced to think about a lot in the last year, I often wonder if I am able to truly forgive (on what basis will we rebuild that broken trust? Would there always been a shadow left behind?); I’ve started to think that forgiving is doing me a world of good but nothing for my spouse.

JB
Click to expand...
It seems to me also that forgiving and trusting are different. To forgive is love another knowing the wrong they have done to you. To love is to will and work for the good of another. Trust is to place faith in, to rest confidence in another. Forgiveness takes the offense and loves anyway. Trust looks to the future. I don’t think that when God forgives us he trusts that we’ll be perfect. He knows our weakness. It seems to me that even among men, we must be quick to love, as we are called to love all men for Christ’s sake, but that trust should be something that we are a little slower to hand out.:twocents:
 
It is good to watch the results of this poll. Most of us recognize the need to forgive. I think many times we have a poor understanding of what forgiveness is. As Christians, we must forgive, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” I haven’t committed such a sin as adultery, but I would hate to meet my Maker at the end of my life only to find that He really is judging me by the standard I prayed for every day…if I don’t forgive my husband.
FORGIVENESS IS NOT OPTIONAL
Click to expand...
  1. Forgiveness does not include giving up power to another, trusting an untrustworthy person, or condoning an offender’s hurtful actions or making excuses for an offense. Forgiveness is agreeing to live with another’s sin.
  2. Forgiveness means giving up all hope of ever having a better past. It means accepting what was.
  3. Forgiveness is a gift for oneself.
  4. Forgiveness abandons one’s right to resentment or negative judgment toward someone who has hurt us and instead fosters the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity and love. It isn’t just being able to let go. It is choosing to love.
Click to expand...
 
cephas161619 said:
It seems to me also that forgiving and trusting are different. To forgive is love another knowing the wrong they have done to you. To love is to will and work for the good of another. Trust is to place faith in, to rest confidence in another. Forgiveness takes the offense and loves anyway. Trust looks to the future. I don’t think that when God forgives us he trusts that we’ll be perfect. He knows our weakness. It seems to me that even among men, we must be quick to love, as we are called to love all men for Christ’s sake, but that trust should be something that we are a little slower to hand out.:twocents:
Click to expand...
Great way to put it! Thanks–your comments are easily worth more than :twocents: !

🙂

JB
 
Well, my ex did commit adultery. And refused counselling. But since we have children and I’m Catholic, and Catholics are not supposed to divorce, I thought if I became a doting -]doormat/-] wife, then he wouldn’t stray again. But he did, plus some, and usually left me scrambling to hide his activities from our kids. I didn’t say anything to another soul for an entire year. It was a very lonely year.

It turns out that he has a sex addiction. I threw the towel in when I discovered some disturbing personal stuff of his on the computer, and told him he had to choose: his family or sex. He chose sex. So yeah, we divorced. He initiated it.

I couldn’t help him; he thought he was/is normal. He is very convincing and seems like a genuinely nice guy. He has fooled his family. He has fooled his friends. He has even fooled the Tribunal, and they asked why I won’t talk to him. Um, because he broke my heart and my trust, and continues to lie, and I need to set up some boundaries to protect myself. But the Tribunal didn’t want to hear that.

So I am now one of those horrible divorcees, but a happier one. I do feel terrible for my kids, but what can you do, but pray in this kind of situation? Have I forgiven him? Honestly, probably not. There is too much pain still. But I do pray for him. It is all I can do at this point.

Sometimes the best of intentions are not enough, at the end of the day.
 
Thanks everyone for your honesty.

Unfortunately I learned of my husband’s 3 year affair and he’d decided to pursue a relationship with her and divorce me, leaving our two kids and marriage behind in the dust. Not sure how I can stay married if he doesn’t want to. But forgive his shortcomings, I can. Trust him again, no.
 
I might eventually be able to forgive him. But trusting him, living in the same house, continuing a marriage in which he would touch me, kiss me, expect sex from me? No way.

My skin would crawl every time he tried to touch me, because I would be thinking, “His fingers were on her skin… he touched her like this.” Ever letting him see me naked again would be out of the question.

Besides, I work my butt off being a good, supportive wife. His children adore and idolize him. If his obligations to his family, all the love and care we pour onto him daily, would not stop him from rutting in some filthy gutter, then he doesn’t value any of us at all and does not deserve the comfort and joy of living with us.
 
Rascalking said:
I’ve never understood why so many people think it is an automatic divorce after a one time affair. Yes, circumstances are important, but people make mistakes, even grave ones.
Click to expand...
I disagree with that 110%. I would never be able to trust someone again after something like that. Absolutely not. I wouldn’t want my (future) kids around someone I can’t trust, either.
 
I would “forgive” him but I would choose to not remain married, I would rather get an annullment and remarry or remain chaste for the rest of my life. Once he sleeps with another woman I would never take him back…
 
Would I be able to forgive my husband if he had an affair? Yes because he forgave me. For the first 6 years of our marriage our lives together was a bit of a farce. Revealing the affairs I had was a slap of reality for the both of us and ultimately it led us into the Catholic Church. We’ve taken our marriage vows seriously in that we stick it out no matter what; for us divorce is not an option. It’s been almost three years now; do I think he trusts me? Yes I think so, however I will not allow my self to be in that kind of situation again.
 
BabyDoll4 said:
Would I be able to forgive my husband if he had an affair? Yes because he forgave me. For the first 6 years of our marriage our lives together was a bit of a farce. Revealing the affairs I had was a slap of reality for the both of us and ultimately it led us into the Catholic Church. We’ve taken our marriage vows seriously in that we stick it out no matter what; for us divorce is not an option. It’s been almost three years now; do I think he trusts me? Yes I think so, however I will not allow my self to be in that kind of situation again.
Click to expand...
It’s so much easier to forgive after we know that we’ve been forgiven. It seems like a calloused heart that cannot forgive, as though it does not recognize that it is only by the grace of God that we all have not committed those very same sins that we ‘cannot’ forgive in others. It’s easier to walk away from a situation though, so that’s what most people do. It takes real understanding and love to really deeply forgive. and give oneself 70x7 times, even when we’re betrayed again. and again.
 
I could never abandon the mother of my children. Never.

– Mark L. Chance.
 
Wow, this is kind of hard to read right now considering I found out about an affair and confronted my husband only two weeks ago. It has been the two most devastating weeks of my life. I have lost all trust in him and I’m so hurt not only for myself but for my two boys. However, I still love him. When I married him, I knew the commitment I was making to him, even if he didn’t. I am going to try to work it out. We are going to start counseling and he seems to be remorseful for what he did. I hope and pray that this will work out. I know that I will be able to forgive him in time, but I will never forget what has happened. If it happens again, I will not stick around. I would probably be able to forgive him again, but I cannot remain married to him if he chooses to destroy this again in the future.
 
newmama said:
Wow, this is kind of hard to read right now considering I found out about an affair and confronted my husband only two weeks ago. It has been the two most devastating weeks of my life. I have lost all trust in him and I’m so hurt not only for myself but for my two boys. However, I still love him. When I married him, I knew the commitment I was making to him, even if he didn’t. I am going to try to work it out. We are going to start counseling and he seems to be remorseful for what he did. I hope and pray that this will work out. I know that I will be able to forgive him in time, but I will never forget what has happened. If it happens again, I will not stick around. I would probably be able to forgive him again, but I cannot remain married to him if he chooses to destroy this again in the future.
Click to expand...
*I’m so sorry…I’ll keep your marriage in my prayers. *
 
cephas161619 said:
It’s so much easier to forgive after we know that we’ve been forgiven. It seems like a calloused heart that cannot forgive, as though it does not recognize that it is only by the grace of God that we all have not committed those very same sins that we ‘cannot’ forgive in others. It’s easier to walk away from a situation though, so that’s what most people do. It takes real understanding and love to really deeply forgive. and give oneself 70x7 times, even when we’re betrayed again. and again.
Click to expand...
Agreed. I think what made it “easier” for him to forgive me was that he had done the same thing (long before we were married). He realized that he had sinned just as I had so he knew he wasn’t any “better” than I was.

It was definitely only by the grace of God, and true repentance/remorse on my part that allowed us to save our marriage.
 
newmama said:
Wow, this is kind of hard to read right now considering I found out about an affair and confronted my husband only two weeks ago. It has been the two most devastating weeks of my life. I have lost all trust in him and I’m so hurt not only for myself but for my two boys. However, I still love him. When I married him, I knew the commitment I was making to him, even if he didn’t. I am going to try to work it out. We are going to start counseling and he seems to be remorseful for what he did. I hope and pray that this will work out. I know that I will be able to forgive him in time, but I will never forget what has happened. If it happens again, I will not stick around. I would probably be able to forgive him again, but I cannot remain married to him if he chooses to destroy this again in the future.
Click to expand...
You’re in my prayers. Embrace yourself and keep the faith… That will be your anchor for what you will have to face. For me it was “how could this be?” in disbelief, shock… than comes how do I understand this…anger…resentment…anger…lots of tears .etc…I don’t mean to be so upfront… I’m so sorry:( Next week will be the D-Day… and still I’m hurting. Healing is a long process… Again I will keep you in my prayers…God bless…
 
Forgiveness was the “easy part”…the concept of resurrecting a dead marital love is the toughie.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top