Marriage after infidelity... POLL

[newmama]

You’re in my prayers. Embrace yourself and keep the faith… That will be your anchor for what you will have to face. For me it was “how could this be?” in disbelief, shock… than comes how do I understand this…anger…resentment…anger…lots of tears .etc…I don’t mean to be so upfront… I’m so sorry Next week will be the D-Day… and still I’m hurting. Healing is a long process… Again I will keep you in my prayers…God bless…

I’m sorry that you have had to go through this too. It is hard to imagine healing from such devastation, but I know that it can be done, especially if we rely on God for strength.

Thank you all for your prayers. We both need them so much right now. I will be praying for all of you that are going through similar situations. God Bless.

 

[Talevita]

I think a divorce would be *our *decision, not just mine. And I would try to do everything I can to save our marriage before I serve my husband with divorce papers. I suppose the fact that my parents and my father’s parents all divorced may help me in that opinion.

 

[TeresaAnn]

I did (for multiple occurrences before I found out), I did again… we didn’t make it.

Despite that, I know I would again if I happened to get married again (with counselling) I have something in me that refuses to let past experiences taint my present or future.

However, this is easy for me to say because I know I will never date, never mind marry again So, Easier said than done I guess.

 

[faithandhope]

I think a divorce would be *our *decision, not just mine. And I would try to do everything I can to save our marriage before I serve my husband with divorce papers. I suppose the fact that my parents and my father’s parents all divorced may help me in that opinion.

I absolutely agree!! What can you possibly loose by trying… you can only gain from it…
Making your faith stronger…

 

[icbtih8]

I’m not sure of the question. Could I forgive? I don’t think it’s a could but a should. I need to forgive, just as Christ forgives, even if it is for my own sanity. Forgiveness is part of the process of moving on from someone’s hurtful indiscretions, even your own indiscretions.

Forgiveness is difficult, it is even more difficult figuring out what forgiveness means. It does not mean forgive and forget. It’s like saying you know that 2 + 2 = 4, now forget it. That doesn’t happen; you don’t just forget life-altering moments, and infidelity is certainly a life-altering moment. For me it means acceptance. Acceptance that things did not go according to plan (no one’s plan), acceptance that there is something less than perfect that caused the indiscretion, acceptance that it is not the end of the world, acceptance that there is strength to overcome, acceptance that you cannot control the situation.

What I am having trouble with isn’t the forgiveness part, although I admit it is difficult. The hard part is seeing a future with my unfaithful husband. While I’m trying to accept what happened I’m not sure I am willing be vulnerable again.

So if your question is whether I can forgive: the answer is “I must.”

If your question is whether I am willing to be vulnerable again: the answer is “I don’t know yet.”

 

[faithandhope]

I’m not sure of the question. Could I forgive? I don’t think it’s a could but a should. I need to forgive, just as Christ forgives, even if it is for my own sanity. Forgiveness is part of the process of moving on from someone’s hurtful indiscretions, even your own indiscretions.

Forgiveness is difficult, it is even more difficult figuring out what forgiveness means. It does not mean forgive and forget. It’s like saying you know that 2 + 2 = 4, now forget it. That doesn’t happen; you don’t just forget life-altering moments, and infidelity is certainly a life-altering moment. For me it means acceptance. Acceptance that things did not go according to plan (no one’s plan), acceptance that there is something less than perfect that caused the indiscretion, acceptance that it is not the end of the world, acceptance that there is strength to overcome, acceptance that you cannot control the situation.

What I am having trouble with isn’t the forgiveness part, although I admit it is difficult. The hard part is seeing a future with my unfaithful husband. While I’m trying to accept what happened I’m not sure I am willing be vulnerable again.

So if your question is whether I can forgive: the answer is “I must.”

If your question is whether I am willing to be vulnerable again: the answer is “I don’t know yet.”

Completely agree with you. And I don’t want to be vulverable again… Period…

God Bless!

 

[rayoflight]

Completely agree with you. And I don’t want to be vulverable again… Period…

God Bless!

I don’t want to be vulnerable again either, which is why I ask myself how can I forgive. I always thought to forgive was to accept what was done and move on, which in turn if you move on then you must certainly have to try and forget. If you can’t forget (which by the way is nearly impossible), then how is it that you have really forgiven? I am so confused, I can’t forgive all he has done. I still am in disbelief. I know I am obligated as a catholic to forgive but I just can’t seem to find my way there.

 

[cephas161619]

I always thought to forgive was to accept what was done and move on, which in turn if you move on then you must certainly have to try and forget. If you can’t forget (which by the way is nearly impossible), then how is it that you have really forgiven? I am so confused, I can’t forgive all he has done. I still am in disbelief. I know I am obligated as a catholic to forgive but I just can’t seem to find my way there.

It seems to me that forgiving means not to forget but to recognize the wrong that a person did to you, but to love them anyway. Kind of like hate the sin/love the sinner - you know full well what the person did, and that can never go away, but you love the person anyway. It would seem that that’s how God loves us, since he knows everything, and because such a view of forgiveness doesn’t discount the pain at all, it seems to involve that much more love. I can’t say it’s easy! but it seems to me the fullest way to forgive.

 

[mswood]

I tried to forgive my ex-husband for his affair, asking him for months to come home even though he was living with his “girlfriend” but at some point I figured that he didn’t want to get past it so I had to move on.

So yes I think you can save your marriage after infidelity, but only if both spouses are willing to work hard on the marriage.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Where is the “I don’t know but I hope I’m never faced with it” option?

I think that would be my answer as well. Trust is very important to me and following an affair I don’t think I’d be able to trust my spouse again. I’ve forgiven a lot in the past, but whether I could both forgive marital infidelity and live with her afterward is something I don’t ever want to find out.

As far as she’s concerned, she’s made it clear that she would never forgive me or stay with me if I committed adultery, although that’s not something I would ever put her through.

 

[johngh]

I know personally I would not be able to continue being in a relationship with someone that cheated on me. I don’t think it would change my loving them, but I would never be able to trust them again and I cannot be in a relationship with someone I can’t trust.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I know personally I would not be able to continue being in a relationship with someone that cheated on me. I don’t think it would change my loving them, but I would never be able to trust them again and I cannot be in a relationship with someone I can’t trust.

Something that goes hand in hand with that is the fact that every person I know who’s cheated on a spouse has done so again. I was talking to a coworker years ago whose wife had found out he’d had an affair. It had been several years and he was proud of the fact that they’d worked through it and he hadn’t cheated on her again. He was equally proud of the fact that she’d never found out about the previous affairs or the one night stands he continued to have (he didn’t view them as affairs because they were one night things and didn’t have a lasting emotional attachment). There’s a big difference between forgiveness and someone actually being able to change, and from my personal experience I’ve never met someone who only cheated on their spouse once.

 

[whatevergirl]

*That’s interesting, Gordon.

I have read threads on here that seem to indicate one time affairs. For me, I would forgive, perhaps, I could try to work on things–but I am not sure I’d be able to trust again. Only by God’s grace would I be able to muster it, I think.

My heartfelt prayers for all who have been involved with someone who has betrayed you in this way, and/or you are struggling to earn the trust back from an affair you have done against another. *

 

[faithandhope]

I don’t want to be vulnerable again either, which is why I ask myself how can I forgive. I always thought to forgive was to accept what was done and move on, which in turn if you move on then you must certainly have to try and forget. If you can’t forget (which by the way is nearly impossible), then how is it that you have really forgiven? I am so confused, I can’t forgive all he has done. I still am in disbelief. I know I am obligated as a catholic to forgive but I just can’t seem to find my way there.

Exactly how I feel… I will pray for us…