Marriage and Abuse

[Catholic1954]

Interesting. Here are more facts about this case:

• Spouses married 18 years, with one teenage child
• Spouse1 has something called Borderline Personality Disorder, which has caused significant issues in the marriage and where i have witnessed some of the emotional abuse
• Spouse1 is a fundamentalist evangelical (not sure which church)
• Spouse2 is a convert to catholicism and feels obligated to remain in the marriage
• Spouse1 is anti-catholic (as in “i would not have married you or had children with you had i known you were going to become catholic” - sent via text message from S1 to S2)
• Spouses live in separate bedrooms, with no conjugal activity for the past year (obviously i have not witnessed this personally)
• Spouse2 is a friend of mine

Your friend should make an appointment with a wise and holy priest to discuss their marriage situation and the options of staying or leaving; he will be in the place to advise them. The Church does not force a spouse to stay in any abusive relationship, but does insist that all attempts of reconciliation be made before ending it.

 

[1ke]

but does insist that all attempts of reconciliation be made before ending it.

I think that’s a little misleading.

A person in an abusive situation should get out. Yes, if their spouse agrees to go to counseling, or anger management classes, or stops drinking and gets on a program, or whatever-- then maybe the other spouse considers reconciliation. But it’s a case by case situation, not something we can make blanket statements about.

Also by the time a spouse is ready to leave an abusive situation, I think you’ve covered the “all attempts” at reconciliation-- they’ve been trying to hold it together for a long time in most cases.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I think that’s a little misleading.

A person in an abusive situation should get out. Yes, if their spouse agrees to go to counseling, or anger management classes, or stops drinking and gets on a program, or whatever-- then maybe the other spouse considers reconciliation. But it’s a case by case situation, not something we can make blanket statements about.

Also by the time a spouse is ready to leave an abusive situation, I think you’ve covered the “all attempts” at reconciliation-- they’ve been trying to hold it together for a long time in most cases.

There’s also a difference between ending common conjugal life, that I understand is allowed in cases of adultery as well as abuse, and ending the marriage itself. Although sometimes, civil divorce is necessary for the protection of the abused spouse.

 

[1ke]

Although sometimes, civil divorce is necessary for the protection of the abused spouse.

I’d say almost all of the time, at least in the US.

Some states have legal separation, but with no fault divorce in most states and the possible tax and financial consequences of remaining legally married I would say civil divorce is the best protection in 99% of cases.

 

[bellasdad]

Don’t mean to hijack this thread but I am living the other side of this. My wife of 23 years Divorced me last year, 5 children still at home. There was never any abuse in our marriage. The last few years were difficult though. I pretty much lived in a sex less marriage, maybe relations once a month or so. I suffered through severe depression the last few years, very little sleep. I was guilty of emotional infidelity not because I was looking for that but the anger and loneliness go to be too much. Plus my lack of sleep led to bad choices. She divorced me, unjustly I think. I have apologized for my mistakes and asked for forgiveness. Unfortunately she found a priest who told her that she could divorce me “with a clear conscience,.”

Funny how he came to that decision without hearing my side of the story. My heart is broken, I miss my wife and children more than I can say.