Marriage and Despair

  • Thread starter Thread starter jasphair
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

jasphair

Guest
I’m a 22 year old male, whom previously came close to marriage on a couple of occasions, but now finds himself in a dry spell, so to speak, a time of personal evaluation, self-improvement, and all that sort of stuff, before resuming the “dating game”. I’ve been in this period for over a year now, and am finally at peace, however, my heart still longs for love and family and all that stuff…

There is one thing that really saddens me, however, and that is the divorce rate. It’s more than just statistics, as I know friends and co-workers who have been divorced, or are currently going through a divorce. A couple of them are in their early 20’s, like myself, others closer to their 30’s or older, having been married for several years, etc. Then there are the couples who have been married 20-25 years, but out of the blue, decide to get a divorce. I don’t understand it. I can find no formula, no science, it just seems to be random. It seems that some couples take off, some crash and burn, so to speak.

I sometimes pause, amidst my feeling of longing for companionship, and ponder something. I think to myself, that even IF someone marries me, it would seem there’s no guarantees these days. There are times when I ask myself “why bother?”. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without a human companion, but at the same time, if I’m just going to end up divorced like most people these days… it’s so disheartening.

I believe my best chance at finding something life-lasting, would be to find a Catholic woman whom strongly opposes divorce, and obviously loves God with all of her heart, and lives a life that is a reflection of that love. I, myself, am not yet Catholic, but moving in that direction, having started RCIA a couple weeks ago. I may at some point find a dating site that caters specifically to Catholics, post a profile and pictures, and then continue going about my business, and see if anyone initiates with me. I don’t know if that’s a good strategy or not, but I’m not really interested in being overly aggressive anymore.

What do you guys think about the world and marriage these days? I mean, is it better to abandon the idea of settling down with a nice wife, in a nice house with a white picket fence, yadda yadda yadda, in favor of say, touring the world?

jasphair
 
You know who gets divorced? Couples where at least one of them think divorce is an option. Where do people learn that? From the examples in their lives, first example is parents.

My son is rare as a unicorn, he is a young adult male and his parents, both sets of grandparents and 3 of his 4 sets of great grandparents were never divorced. He ias one divorced aunt, and she married a man with divorced parents. Guess what, he has seen the example of sticking with marriage, in good times and in bad, til death.

If you can, find a woman from an intact home. A woman who has seen two people stay married, two people who do not throw in the towel when they “fall out of love”.

Marry a strong Catholic woman from a strong Catholic family.
 
What the pp posted is true, at least for me. My husband and I come from families who have stuck it out. I came from Poland, so my grandparents stuck it out through two world wars. My grandparents’-in-law also stuck it out. My mother in law’s parents, were cotton mill-workers and poor with eight kids, the other in Michigan and they too toughed out rough Polish, Italian, German neighboorhoods, mobs, etc. Both my parents and his parents are still married, the grandparents have passed, both within a few years of each other. Both of our fathers had a complete Catholic education. However, faith, and God had become somewhat diluted it seems in my parent’s marriage and his BUT they have stuck it out. But also, they come from a different time than ours.

Although I had turned away from my faith at one point, since the birth of our children I have come back to it and my husband, although Baptized catholic but not a practicing one , does see the fruits of our labor by going to church, saying grace, praying together, and putting our kids through Catechism.

I believe with all my heart and soul that the G in GOD in a marriage stand for GLUE. My husband and I spend a great deal of time talking and really pouring our heart and souls out, about our ideas, philosphies in life, what our beliefs are. Also, the most important thing I do…is I pray all the time for my husband. I ask the Lord to be patient, to stand by his side, and guide him. AT times I even see the Lord in my husband’s eyes, even though he does not. In the past when we have had our blow-out arguements, he said that if I wanted a divorce that would be fine, but I have always aruged back that no matter how angry I am at him, I will never give up on our marriage. I believe God brought us together to help each other grow.

The most important thing in a marriage, (and this is really funny too because my husband said this and remember, he is NOT a praciticing catholic,) is you are supposed to help the other ‘better’ each other. Meaning you are supposed to help each other grow and become better people. What you don’t finish in childhood you are supposed to complete in a marriage. And that really is the root of a Catholic Marriage. You are supposed to love each other like Jesus loves his Church. When you go before God, he is going to ask you “Where is your spouse?”

But without that fundemantal glue called GOD ( or LOVE) your marriage will disolve. People forgotten what true love and sacrifice is about and like the pp mentioned, because many now have no role models of a loving marriage in their family, many young people go into a marriage completely unprepared for their roles as husband and wife because they have no role models to turn to.

Marriage is extremly hard, painful, and difficult. It is not about “getting it” every day/week or being treated like King/Queens. In fact, in my opinion, it would be healthy for couples to practice chastity from physical intimacy regularly in marriage and replace it with spiritual intimacy. Its almost a battle. You have to fight for your spouse everyday from all the distractions and forces that try to take him/her away from you. That, and couples seem to not spend as much time getting to know each other before starting families as they used to.
AT least that is my personal observation.
 
The divorce rate also saddens me. In my own marriage, my husband and I decided that regardless of what happened “divorce” would never be an option. When divorce is off the table as a solution, you find a different solution. Don’t get me wrong. We have had some tough times. At one point, we lived in separate places for 6 months. Our friends thought we were “separated”. We weren’t separated but we had reached a point when we were not being kind to each other so decided to reside in different locations. During that time, we went to marriage counseling. Yeah, marriage is hard work but it is also the most special gift you can give yourself and your partner. My suggestion: Don’t concern yourself with what other people are doing and follow your own heart.

Yours in Christ,

Anne
 
jasphair said:
I’m a 22 year old male, whom previously came close to marriage on a couple of occasions, but now finds himself in a dry spell, so to speak, a time of personal evaluation, self-improvement, and all that sort of stuff, before resuming the “dating game”. I’ve been in this period for over a year now, and am finally at peace, however, my heart still longs for love and family and all that stuff…

There is one thing that really saddens me, however, and that is the divorce rate. It’s more than just statistics, as I know friends and co-workers who have been divorced, or are currently going through a divorce. A couple of them are in their early 20’s, like myself, others closer to their 30’s or older, having been married for several years, etc. Then there are the couples who have been married 20-25 years, but out of the blue, decide to get a divorce. I don’t understand it. I can find no formula, no science, it just seems to be random. It seems that some couples take off, some crash and burn, so to speak.

I sometimes pause, amidst my feeling of longing for companionship, and ponder something. I think to myself, that even IF someone marries me, it would seem there’s no guarantees these days. There are times when I ask myself “why bother?”. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without a human companion, but at the same time, if I’m just going to end up divorced like most people these days… it’s so disheartening.

I believe my best chance at finding something life-lasting, would be to find a Catholic woman whom strongly opposes divorce, and obviously loves God with all of her heart, and lives a life that is a reflection of that love. I, myself, am not yet Catholic, but moving in that direction, having started RCIA a couple weeks ago. I may at some point find a dating site that caters specifically to Catholics, post a profile and pictures, and then continue going about my business, and see if anyone initiates with me. I don’t know if that’s a good strategy or not, but I’m not really interested in being overly aggressive anymore.

What do you guys think about the world and marriage these days? I mean, is it better to abandon the idea of settling down with a nice wife, in a nice house with a white picket fence, yadda yadda yadda, in favor of say, touring the world?

jasphair
Click to expand...
You’ve already been given a lot of good advice here. I would say finding a Catholic woman who shares your convictions and who doesn’t believe in divorce should be at the top of your list.

My husband and I were lucky in that we sort of stumbled into the Church together (my husband was a cradle Catholic who hadn’t been to Mass regularly in years, and I converted). Neither of believe that divorce is an option no matter what. I’d say that would be an important talk to have way before you consider proposing.

And remember that many people don’t get married in religious ceremonies these days. Your marriage will be a sacrament. Sacraments bestow grace. I was reading Three to Get Married by Fulton Sheen a while back (which reminds me that I need to finish it) and he talks about people living together like they’re married, but without the sacramental grace that is provided by the sacrament of marriage which makes a successful marriage possible.

And here’s a happy statistic they shared at the engaged encounter that we went to (tomorrow is actually our three year anniversary…time flies!): they said that the divorce rate in this country is 1 in 2 (1 divorce for every 2 marriages). For couples that go to church together every Sunday the rate is 1 in 20. For couples that pray together every day the rate is 1 in 200. I’m not sure where they got that statistic, but I like it!

Another book I was recently reading was Kimberly Hahn’s Graced and Gifted. While it’s aimed at young women, the message is helpful for anyone thinking of their future. She talks about wanting to find the right person and knowing that she just had to sit back and let God be in control of that part of her life (which isn’t easy to do). It’s not something you can force, which is very difficult, because it’s hard to wait for something that you want so badly and feel is such a integral part of your future. But God has plans for you! And who knows, maybe those plans do include meeting a nice Catholic woman on one of those Catholic sights!

Go out and do the things that you love, worship God, pray for his guidance and while you’re enjoying life there’s a good chance you’ll meet someone amazing to spend it with.

Prayers for you!
 
You’re saying that you don’t want to get married because you fear divorce. But if you do get married and get divorced, you will be at the same point as if you don’t get married at all.

By not getting married you’re essentially putting yourself into the single state that you fear happening as a result of divorce.

I don’t know if that’s helpful, but if you’re one who wants love and companionship and children it’s better to have some of that for some of your life rather than never at all. Our lives here end anyway, and there is no marriage in heaven.
 
RedSoxWife said:
they said that the divorce rate in this country is 1 in 2 (1 divorce for every 2 marriages). For couples that go to church together every Sunday the rate is 1 in 20. For couples that pray together every day the rate is 1 in 200. I’m not sure where they got that statistic,
Click to expand...
I think this statistic is made up, simply because of the convenient division by 10 for each step. 2, 20, 200… I would imagine it to be very improbable for numbers like that to come from a real study.

That said, it certainly makes sense that people who attend a Catholic Church every Sunday are strong believers in Church teaching and are likely to believe that there is only one marriage.

Of course that doesn’t protect you from a loss of faith on the part of your spouse. How likely a person is to go from an orthodox Catholic to a cafeteria Catholic or even a non-Catholic is hard to say.

If a person is anxious and fears divorce, the solution should be to address the anxiety in my opinion. Yes it’s possible you will get divorce, you have to live with that option and decide if even in spite of that possibility it is worth risking heartbreak to possibly obtain life long companionship and children.
 
I recently had a chat with a friend who was a divorce lawyer before he retired. I asked why people get divorced, what the main reasons are. He replied that it is the people who shouldn’t have got married in the first place.

I think that finding the right person is the key. My husband and I have only one set of grandparents who did not divorce. Everyone alse has. It is very sad. We both grew up with examples of how not to be married. We both understand the importance of working on a marriage and being comitted and we understandn we must never take things fro granted.

Don’t despair. Just make sure you find a girl who shares your beliefs and keep God in your relationship.
 
kage_ar said:
You know who gets divorced? Couples where at least one of them think divorce is an option. Where do people learn that? From the examples in their lives, first example is parents.

My son is rare as a unicorn, he is a young adult male and his parents, both sets of grandparents and 3 of his 4 sets of great grandparents were never divorced. He ias one divorced aunt, and she married a man with divorced parents. Guess what, he has seen the example of sticking with marriage, in good times and in bad, til death.

If you can, find a woman from an intact home. A woman who has seen two people stay married, two people who do not throw in the towel when they “fall out of love”.

Marry a strong Catholic woman from a strong Catholic family.
Click to expand...
While I know that family is the first place children learn about marriage and family, I have seen people from intact families divorce too. I have also seen people go in the opposite direction of their parents because they already know the pain of divorce. Some adult children of divorce vow that they will never do that to their children. While having divorced parents may set the tone that divorce is “okay”, somewhere along the line, our society began teaching people that divorce was an option during the ordinary trials of marriage. If the people listen to society more than their faith, they may decide divorce is an option.
I agree with the op that those divorces that happen after 20 or 25 years of marriage are particularly disturbing. Some friends of ours divorced this year after over twenty years of marriage. They weren’t Catholic but both were strong Christians from intact families. Yet their church did not teach divorce was wrong, and one of them wanted out of the marriage. Life got difficult. Both sinned. (As we are all sinners, sin happens in marriage.) Spouses take each other for granted. Divorce and break-up of the family is the result of sin and neglect.

Finding a woman of strong faith is a good start to the marriage, but once married, keep struggling against your personal sins and stay close to the Lord, readily forgive your spouse for her sins while praying for her and helping her to grow in grace, and continue to court her even after you marry.
 
I definitely agree with Kage, you need to marry a woman whom is deep in the faith and very deep in the belief of the words “till death do us part!” And as long as you treat her right there should be no reason at all for her to ever think other wise…Good luck and GOD bless!
 
gardenswithkids said:
While I know that family is the first place children learn about marriage and family, I have seen people from intact families divorce too. I have also seen people go in the opposite direction of their parents because they already know the pain of divorce. Some adult children of divorce vow that they will never do that to their children. While having divorced parents may set the tone that divorce is “okay”, somewhere along the line, our society began teaching people that divorce was an option during the ordinary trials of marriage. If the people listen to society more than their faith, they may decide divorce is an option.
Click to expand...
I too have seen children of divorce have life long marriages, they sadly are the exception to the rule.
 
kage_ar said:
You know who gets divorced? Couples where at least one of them think divorce is an option. Where do people learn that? From the examples in their lives, first example is parents.

My son is rare as a unicorn, he is a young adult male and his parents, both sets of grandparents and 3 of his 4 sets of great grandparents were never divorced. He ias one divorced aunt, and she married a man with divorced parents. Guess what, he has seen the example of sticking with marriage, in good times and in bad, til death.

If you can, find a woman from an intact home. A woman who has seen two people stay married, two people who do not throw in the towel when they “fall out of love”.

Marry a strong Catholic woman from a strong Catholic family.
Click to expand...
I can’t agree more. I come from a large extended family where everyone has had very long and successful marriages. There has only been one divorce out of the last four generations of grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins/etc and he remarried and his second marriage is now going on 30+ years.

Coming from a home where the parents present strong values and provide a first hand example how a marriage works through their day to day actions is crucial to children and it is one of the best ‘lessons’ they can give them to prepare them for future relationships.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top