Marriage and Husband Leadership

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brendan4better

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My wife and I have been married for approximately 2 years, and we have a 6 month old son. The Church teaches that husbands should be heads of the household. I’m finding that I’m having a difficult time understanding what this means exactly? Like for instance, The scripture reading…
Ephesians 5:22-23
Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body.
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Now I understand that Christ’s relationship to the Church was one of love and therefore His leadership was one rooted in love. But nonetheless, he also was a leader, in the sense we understand leadership… as a role with authority.

My wife and I have a rather traditional marriage. Both of us would probably describe me as head of the household… like I make sure we pray together everyday… and say our Rosary, go to confession, etc. But sometimes, I have a hard time in having balancing the “raising up” of my wife, as we husbands are called to do… at the same time being the leader. I would appreciate any advice, or books, or whatever to get a better understanding how one “leads with love”.

Thanks in advance…
 
brendan4better said:
My wife and I have been married for approximately 2 years, and we have a 6 month old son. **The Church teaches that husbands should be heads of the household. ** I’m finding that I’m having a difficult time understanding what this means exactly? Like for instance, The scripture reading…

Now I understand that Christ’s relationship to the Church was one of love and therefore His leadership was one rooted in love. But nonetheless, he also was a leader, in the sense we understand leadership… as a role with authority.

My wife and I have a rather traditional marriage. Both of us would probably describe me as head of the household… like I make sure we pray together everyday… and say our Rosary, go to confession, etc. But sometimes, I have a hard time in having balancing the “raising up” of my wife, as we husbands are called to do… at the same time being the leader. I would appreciate any advice, or books, or whatever to get a better understanding how one “leads with love”.

Thanks in advance…
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Where does she do so? - After reading your posting I looked into the catechism (German edition) and found nothing about “husband as head of household”.
In my marriage neither my husband nor I are “leader” or “head” - we are equals! And everything else would be absolutly unacceptable for both of us.
 
brendan4better said:
My wife and I have been married for approximately 2 years, and we have a 6 month old son. The Church teaches that husbands should be heads of the household. I’m finding that I’m having a difficult time understanding what this means exactly? Like for instance, The scripture reading…

Now I understand that Christ’s relationship to the Church was one of love and therefore His leadership was one rooted in love. But nonetheless, he also was a leader, in the sense we understand leadership… as a role with authority.

My wife and I have a rather traditional marriage. Both of us would probably describe me as head of the household… like I make sure we pray together everyday… and say our Rosary, go to confession, etc. But sometimes, I have a hard time in having balancing the “raising up” of my wife, as we husbands are called to do… at the same time being the leader. I would appreciate any advice, or books, or whatever to get a better understanding how one “leads with love”.

Thanks in advance…
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I am not familiar with the ‘raising up’ of a wife? I have not heard that. But, as your wife’s husband, you are called to love and honor her…to love her as Christ loved the Church AND she is to submit to you. One doesn’t go without the other. So for example, if you were abusive, your wife does not need to treat you as the head of anything…it all hinges on how you handle your role as the husband, as much as how she handles the role as a wife. Simply put, you are both one now…and you should both do for the marriage whatever is good and holy to nurture it. Hope that helps?🙂 God bless you in your marriage.
 
Jahoda said:
Where does she do so? - After reading your posting I looked into the catechism (German edition) and found nothing about “husband as head of household”.
In my marriage neither my husband nor I are “leader” or “head” - we are equals! And everything else would be absolutly unacceptable for both of us.
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Thank you for your reply.

I left the quote from the Bible to substantiate the topic (i.e. it’s in scripture). In our parish, we’ve had this passage read many times over the years. The homilies that followed were/are always rooted in husband/wife roles within marriage… we’ve had priests mention husband as head of the family many-of-times.
 
I am not familiar with the ‘raising up’ of a wife? I have not heard that. But, as your wife’s husband, you are called to love and honor her…to love her as Christ loved the Church AND she is to submit to you. One doesn’t go without the other. So for example, if you were abusive, your wife does not need to treat you as the head of anything…it all hinges on how you handle your role as the husband, as much as how she handles the role as a wife. Simply put, you are both one now…and you should both do for the marriage whatever is good and holy to nurture it. Hope that helps? God bless you in your marriage.
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Raising up is just another way to say “love and honor her”… just like Christ raised up the Chruch (i.e. loving and honoring it). We’re in agreement 🙂

I’m somewhat asking for how other husbands/wives do this. I spend much effort putting her first… I just would like to hear/read more info on this topic.

Thank you for your reply
 
brendan4better said:
My wife and I have been married for approximately 2 years, and we have a 6 month old son. The Church teaches that husbands should be heads of the household. I’m finding that I’m having a difficult time understanding what this means exactly? Like for instance, The scripture reading…

Now I understand that Christ’s relationship to the Church was one of love and therefore His leadership was one rooted in love. But nonetheless, he also was a leader, in the sense we understand leadership… as a role with authority.

My wife and I have a rather traditional marriage. Both of us would probably describe me as head of the household… like I make sure we pray together everyday… and say our Rosary, go to confession, etc. But sometimes, I have a hard time in having balancing the “raising up” of my wife, as we husbands are called to do… at the same time being the leader. I would appreciate any advice, or books, or whatever to get a better understanding how one “leads with love”.

Thanks in advance…
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Here is the problem with that Ephesians reading, men tend to stop at 23. These are the instructions for the wife, not the husband. As a husband you need to concern yourself with the next verses:
25
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her
26
to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word,
27
that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
28
So (also) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29
For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church,
30
because we are members of his body.
31
“For this reason a man shall leave (his) father and (his) mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
32
This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church.

verse 33 gives the bottom line:
33
In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband.
remember that Christ sacrificed Himself totally and fully for us, His Church, and the challenge for us as married men is to show the same love and for us to each die to our own desires and wants for the good of the domestic church that is our marriage.
Nobody ever said this marriage thing was easy (except some single people 😛 )
May God bless you and your marriage.
 
tugbaby said:
Here is the problem with that Ephesians reading, men tend to stop at 23. These are the instructions for the wife, not the husband. As a husband you need to concern yourself with the next verses:
25
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her
26
to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word,
27
that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
28
So (also) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29
For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church,
30
because we are members of his body.
31
“For this reason a man shall leave (his) father and (his) mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
32
This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church.

verse 33 gives the bottom line:
33
In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband.
remember that Christ sacrificed Himself totally and fully for us, His Church, and the challenge for us as married men is to show the same love and for us to each die to our own desires and wants for the good of the domestic church that is our marriage.
Nobody ever said this marriage thing was easy (except some single people 😛 )
May God bless you and your marriage.
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Thank you.

I made lines 25-33 a focus of the topic by mentioning Christ’s love of the Church. So I didn’t mean to make you think I skipped over it. I just explained it words. And I’m asking how other people DO this. How have other couple’s made these lines work for them… by example. 😃
 
brendan4better said:
My wife and I have a rather traditional marriage. Both of us would probably describe me as head of the household… like I make sure we pray together everyday… and say our Rosary, go to confession, etc. But sometimes, I have a hard time in having balancing the “raising up” of my wife, as we husbands are called to do… at the same time being the leader. I would appreciate any advice, or books, or whatever to get a better understanding how one “leads with love”.
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Hi there - while I can’t pretend to be an expert on the topic (having only been married a short while!) this teaching is something I really struggled with while engaged, so I did a lot of reading up about it… and now I’m much happier than I was because it seems to me that your description of it is exactly how it should be - the man is the spiritual leader of the household, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t take very good notice of his wife’s advice!

So, my general feeling is you’ve got the right idea, and as long as you listen to her advice and her feelings, and don’t put her down in front of people you’re doing a great job! Complimenting her both directly and to other people (‘I’m so lucky to have a wonderful wife’, ‘Being married to a fantastic woman is great’ and more specific compliments) would count as ‘raising her up’, I would think 🙂

That said, here are a few weblinks to some reading I found helpful while struggling (I’ve tried to leave out the ones that were mostly about women learning to submit and what it means, and focus on the ones that describe the man’s role):

A homily on God’s Plan for Christian Marriage

Jimmy Akin on Spiritual Headship

Authority in the Family (This Rock)

Helpful links from an Ask the Apologist question on this topic, including apostolic letters

Wives be Subject to your Husbands (This Rock)

Authority of the Husband (based on Magisterium teachings - very long!)

I hope that’s the kind of thing you were looking for 🙂
 
It sounds to me like you do a fine job as the spiritual leader in your house and in loving your wife.

I’m not sure why you think you aren’t.
 
1ke said:
It sounds to me like you do a fine job as the spiritual leader in your house and in loving your wife.

I’m not sure why you think you aren’t.
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It may just be a struggle for me and therefore I’m self conscious about “hopefully” doing the right thing. But to humble myself, I think I should work on listening to my wife’s advice better like Tinajo mentions. I’m not perfect, but I am trying very hard to do what’s right.

Thank all of you.
 
This is a helpful example from the first link Tinajo gave:
Our Blessed Mother subjected herself to her divine Son by pointing out the immediate need: “they have no wine.” In other words, Mary told Jesus the problem and asked Him to exercise His role. And what was Jesus’ role? To subject Himself to His mother by responding to the need she brought: the need for more wine. Jesus made it clear that His role was distinct from that of Mary’s. Then He subjected Himself to her request and the need she brought to His attention.
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So in a sense, the subjecting of husband to wife and conversely has different executions from each role. The husband “listens” to his wife’s needs… then the husband responds within love (through his leadership) with a solution. And the tough part for each role would be: for men, doing what your wifes ask of you (within reason of coarse); for women, allowing your husband to exercise his leadership to address her needs (within reason also)
 
brendan4better said:
But to humble myself, I think I should work on listening to my wife’s advice better like Tinajo mentions.
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**I think this is where a lot of couples run into trouble… it is all in HOW you listen to your wife’s advice. Being considerate of her feelings doesn’t mean you always do things the way she suggests, just that you acknowledge the value of her advice.

My hubby and I struggle with this.:o

He thinks I always want things MY way while I think that he doesn’t want or respect my advice by his reactions to it. Both of us want what is best for the marriage but we get hung up on silly stuff some times.

So, in your situation, has your wife indicated that she is unhappy in any way with your leadership of the family? Are there things she would like to see done differently? It really is an individual sort of things since all couples are different with their own unique dynamics and personalities.
**
 
From a non married woman’s perspective having observed other relationships, I think the most important ways you can both show love and respect for each other is consulting each other about any decisions that will affect both of you or your children and the really big one is avoid contradicting each other in front of the kids. If you’re not sure about a decision they’ve made there’s nothing wrong with asking later away from the kids ‘why did you say/do that?’ (and of course listen to their answer with an open heart) but if you discuss it and decide it was the wrong decision then you can go to the kids and say we were both wrong instead of one undermining the other’s authority.
 
This is the theme that I read from Pope Jean Paul’s (I think) Letter to Women.

He said that if a husband and wife are in disaggreement about something of equal good, the woman go along with the man’s view. If the husband and wife and in disagreement about something and the wife’s view is of greater good, then the wife should continue to advocate her view to her husband in a respectful manner.
 
So are wives supposed to OBEY their husbands? Where would I go to back up the yes or no answer in Church documents?
 
I’m in the same boat. Married just over two years, and our son is 7 months old. She comes from a traditional family, and although that family is the source of a lot of grief, she still looks to me to be the “leader,” a role I’m not all that comfortable with. My dad was basically a caretaker and nothing more.

I don’t know what the answer is, but just know that there are other guys out there trying to live and lead the right way while the world tells us to live entirely for our own needs. Keep the faith!
 
Lil_Cat said:
So are wives supposed to OBEY their husbands? Where would I go to back up the yes or no answer in Church documents?
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I think the husband is supposed to be the spiritual head, so in aspects of prayer, holiness, going to church etc. I don’t think he’s supposed to be the dictator of the house.

A priest once said that the husband is the head, the wife is the heart. Both parts have equal importance and have to work together. I think both husband and wife should both practice humility and strive for the best for the family.
 
You won’t find the specific words, “obey”.

You will find words like husband and wife are equal, but different. Husband and wife are complimentary to eachother. A woman’s focus is in the home and a man’s focus is outside the home, etc.

If my husband and I are having a disagreement and it’s not a big deal, I just shrug it off and agree with him for harmony sake…BUT, if we are in disagreement and I know I’m right on this one and it’s really important to me, I will not back down. I may have to wait until the next day to talk about it if we are both very angry, but I won’t back down.

I think this is what Pope John Paul II meant.
 
As a woman who’s been married for nearly 17 years and is very happy, I’d have to say that mutual respect and friendship—and not necessarily strict roles within a marriage—are what it’s all about. I grew up and have lived around a lot of “conservative” Catholic couples and can tell you that a lot of times, the ones who are absolutely certain they are living that Bible passage the way it was meant to be lived don’t even LIKE each other all that much. I love my husband more than I ever thought possible, and I ENJOY making him feel like he is “head” of our household. However, I am actually the primary wage-earner in our home. So just what does “head” of the household mean in our home? For us, it means I value his level-headed intelligence and his ability to make decisions in a way I might not be able to when I am pulled in a million different directions by work, childrens’ needs, etc. I personally find it hard to focus on any one thing at times (because I am usually balancing a million and one things!) and love that he can be so single-minded about a subject. And yes, this same characteristic can drive me crazy sometimes as well I am utterly certain my husband loves me so much that he would never want to make a decision without taking into account my needs, wants, and desires. It’s kind of a non-issue between us because friends (and we ARE best friends) would generally never take it upon themselves to make a decision for the other without discussing it and making compromises and coming up with something that both people felt good about first.

Sometimes THINKING about a bible verse too much can be a little counter-intuitive, if you know what I mean. Live it by loving each other—in the big ways and in all the little ways that come up every day—and you probably won’t find that discerning your role is such a mystery. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s admirable that you are trying to live your vocation in the best way possible, but don’t get so caught up in the letter that you miss the spirit.

Case in point: we have some acquaintances who have eight kids and live very traditional husband/wife roles—she stays home and homeschools the large Catholic family, he works outside the home and provides the paycheck. He is very authoritarian and makes pretty much all the decisions in the family. Knowing him as I do, I’m pretty certain he believes he definitely is living out the catholic vocation of a husband/father according to the bible. Recently this woman was at a social event and marvelled at how another friend’s husband came up to her out of the blue and asked her what he could get for her—a drink? something to eat? did she need him to take the baby for her? The mother of eight (with the very authoritative “head-of-household” kind of husband) was in awe, “My husband would NEVER do that for me…you are so lucky” Case in point: this guy THINKS he has it all together but can’t even be bothered to think of the little things his wife might need during the course of a day. I thought it was very telling.

Good luck to you!
 
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