Marriage and OCD

[Pro-Life_Teen]

I have OCD. Obsession Compulsive Disorder. I am currently in therapy and on medication, this is not asking for medical advice.

Now many of us that are pro-NFP agree that pregnancy can be postponed due to physical health. But what I’m finding in reading over threads, mental health is put aside. A couple of times I have read posts about people thinking they shouldn’t have children, at least not initially, due to mental stability. And the replies are variations of “well, you shouldn’t get married then.”

I am not married yet, but have been dating my boyfriend for some time and we openly discuss marriage. I am currently on anti-depressants that should not be taken while pregnant. And there is also the matter of the illness itself getting worse during stressful or new situations - say, like, getting married plus getting pregnant on the honeymoon.

Now I’ll also add that I want children. I want to be a good mother. My problem is that many here seem to think I should not be married in the first place. And with the OCD comes scrupulosity, and then posts like this. In my personal opinion I think it quite prudent to take things in the order such as, to get married, get off the meds slowly, then try for children once my system’s clean and my mental state is deemed fine.

This may never be an issue. I started therapy early, I might be rid of all of this within the next few months and so it shan’t affect a marriage that’ll happen in years. But at the core the distinction between mental and physical boundaries to having children, and whether NFP can be used, is the issue. It seems, as I said, that physical is deemed worthy and those with mental issues should be single.

 

[Abbadon]

Now I’ll also add that I want children. I want to be a good mother. My problem is that many here seem to think I should not be married in the first place. And with the OCD comes scrupulosity, and then posts like this. In my personal opinion I think it quite prudent to take things in the order such as, to get married, get off the meds slowly, then try for children once my system’s clean and my mental state is deemed fine.

You really care what the people on this forum think? What about your boyfriend what does he think? And what do you think?

What you said here sounds like a sensible way of going about it. But to consummate your marriage then at a chosen time have children you will most likely have to use some form of contraception. And I understand that some strong Catholics are against that.

But think about what is best for your situation, I’m afraid I never understood the difference between NFP and FP, the goal is both the same avoid having children when you can’t, so I can’t relate nor understand how you would feel about contraception.

But please think hard about what you are about to embark on and what will be the best way to go about it, you live in the first world, you have alot of options for someone with your condition at your disposal. Please use them, I beseech you.

I would hope that your god would not want you to go about your happiness in a way that will in the end possibly cause great harm to you, your spouse and your future children.

Good luck in a tough set of decisions.

 

[Abbadon]

But at the core the distinction between mental and physical boundaries to having children, and whether NFP can be used, is the issue. It seems, as I said, that physical is deemed worthy and those with mental issues should be single.

You have OCD, not to make light of your situation but it’s not exactly the worst in the gambit of mental health disorders.
But I’m curious and would like you to elaborate, why should those with mental issues be single? If you find someone you love and have managed your issue…

 

[Buddicca]

My husband of 2 years has Aspergers Syndrome and OCD is an integral part of his condition. It is trying for us who don’t suffer his condition - though LOVE does mean we understand why he is being irrational or stressing ( & wow doesn’t stress make it worse! ) He is not medicated and never has been but he is SLOWLY learning relaxation techniques which help a little.
As a Dad - he has some serious issues and does not parent very well. I have had to understand I have had to take on a greater responsibility for the parenting of our 3 children ( 1 also has AS ) and I have to police him when he is innapropriate.
He is high maintenance ( as most OCD sufferers usually are ) but we love him and he is worth it! We have been honest with the kids about his condition from the get go - sometimes his OCD doesn’t let him do what ‘normal Dads’ do - so they knew fairly early on something wasn’t quite right with dad. Its a journey but we make it together as a family every day! Good Luck.

 

[nova147]

I tend to disagree with the idea that “not ready for kids” ALWAYS means “not ready for marriage”. Your situation is a good point. Adjusting to marriage is at least mildly stressful for everyone; for someone with a mental health condition, it can be very difficult. I have Bipolar disorder and had my first serious depressive period while planning my wedding (and finishing college at the same time – a bit more stress than I could handle!). It is not up to those of us on this forum when you and your boyfriend have children – it is between you, your future spouse, and God.

That’s my answer to your core question. But I want to share a few thoughts. (I’m no expert; I just have a few more years experience than you do.) OCD doesn’t go away. You learn to live with it. You may not need antidepressants long term; but you may. There are safer antidepressants for pregnancy. Therapy will help, but in the end, you will always have OCD. Coming to acceptance of this will be important for your treatment and for your future marriage and family life.

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

You really care what the people on this forum think? What about your boyfriend what does he think? And what do you think?

Again, OCD. I don’t truly care what people on the forum think, it’s more a fear that they’re correct and I might be sinning. Which is something I very much try not to do.

What you said here sounds like a sensible way of going about it. But to consummate your marriage then at a chosen time have children you will most likely have to use some form of contraception. And I understand that some strong Catholics are against that.

Including myself - it would be NFP.

But think about what is best for your situation, I’m afraid I never understood the difference between NFP and FP, the goal is both the same avoid having children when you can’t, so I can’t relate nor understand how you would feel about contraception.

It’s basically natural as opposed to artificial means. The goals can be the same, but not all methods are equal. You either get money with a job or through stealing - one if good, the other bad.

But please think hard about what you are about to embark on and what will be the best way to go about it, you live in the first world, you have alot of options for someone with your condition at your disposal. Please use them, I beseech you.

I am in therapy and on meds, and getting a lot better as time goes on.

I would hope that your God would not want you to go about your happiness in a way that will in the end possibly cause great harm to you, your spouse and your future children.

Considering all that He’s done for me, I think you’re right. And I’m sure it’ll work out.

Good luck in a tough set of decisions.

Thank you.

  	 		 	 	 You have OCD, not to make light of your situation but it's not exactly the worst in the gambit of mental health disorders.

Of course there are worse, but it’s still hard. Add into what commonly goes along with being obsessive - anxiety and depression, and it gets bad. Though you’re right, it is somewhat a blessing, could be tons worse.

But I’m curious and would like you to elaborate, why should those with mental issues be single? If you find someone you love and have managed your issue…

There was one specific thread that brought this up ages ago - a woman on antidepressants was wondering about postponing children because those drugs are very commonly bad for pregnant mothers. And for some reason, the majority of replies was that she shouldn’t get married because she would not be able to have children due to this. And it bugged me. This may not be the popular opinion of people posting now, but it was then. Just wondering if the thought process has changed.

My husband of 2 years has Aspergers Syndrome and OCD is an integral part of his condition. It is trying for us who don’t suffer his condition - though LOVE does mean we understand why he is being irrational or stressing ( & wow doesn’t stress make it worse! ) He is not medicated and never has been but he is SLOWLY learning relaxation techniques which help a little.

I hope he’s feeling well, and God Bless your family! It is hard to understand - I remember thinking OCD funny before my symptoms started. Yay karma. My family, which I include my boyfriend in that, is very supportive.

As a Dad - he has some serious issues and does not parent very well. I have had to understand I have had to take on a greater responsibility for the parenting of our 3 children ( 1 also has AS ) and I have to police him when he is innapropriate.
He is high maintenance ( as most OCD sufferers usually are ) but we love him and he is worth it! We have been honest with the kids about his condition from the get go - sometimes his OCD doesn’t let him do what ‘normal Dads’ do - so they knew fairly early on something wasn’t quite right with dad. Its a journey but we make it together as a family every day! Good Luck.

I’m getting better with all the help I’ve been getting, but I still find myself wondering if I can do the wife/parent thing. I shan’t be getting married very soon, but hopefully in the next few years, and I worry if I’ll be better by then. It’s a frightening thought, if you’ll be able to manage.

I tend to disagree with the idea that “not ready for kids” ALWAYS means “not ready for marriage”. Your situation is a good point. Adjusting to marriage is at least mildly stressful for everyone; for someone with a mental health condition, it can be very difficult. I have Bipolar disorder and had my first serious depressive period while planning my wedding (and finishing college at the same time – a bit more stress than I could handle!). It is not up to those of us on this forum when you and your boyfriend have children – it is between you, your future spouse, and God.

I disagree with "married - children right away, or no marriage’ that seems to crop up. I posed a similar question and was given the “well you have 9 months” reply. Which I know is quite a deal of time, but considering I’d had to be off my meds, and hormonal women are whacky as it is… it just seems a really bad idea to do this all at once.

That’s my answer to your core question. But I want to share a few thoughts. (I’m no expert; I just have a few more years experience than you do.) OCD doesn’t go away. You learn to live with it. You may not need antidepressants long term; but you may. There are safer antidepressants for pregnancy. Therapy will help, but in the end, you will always have OCD. Coming to acceptance of this will be important for your treatment and for your future marriage and family life.

I know that it’ll always be there to a degree. I can see myself getting better, but still break back down during a bad day, or keeping the smaller habits. Some of my symptons I’ve had for years without knowing about the illness - the contamination and hand washing of last year brought it all to light.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you very much. I’ll keep you in mine.

 

[noclevername]

It is very healthy to be married for a few years before you start having children. It’s better for the marriage because it gives you time to really get to know your husband.

 

[Christy_Beth]

I also have OCD. Along with Major depression, Dysthymia, Anxiety disorder, and BPD (Borderline personality disorder). The BPD comes with dependent, avoident and paranoid tendencies. Have I ever thought of getting married? Yes, many times. But I haven’t met a man who I feel comfortable with yet. It’s more than my mental health in question on this. I’ve already had one disasterous marriage (divorced in Oct. 1987) and don’t want a repeat. And no, I don’t believe that my mental illness (undiagnosed at the time) played a major role in the divorce. It was there, but it didn’t work for or against the marriage.

As far as medication goes, talk with your doctor. There may be other types of mediction that will work just as well without harming a baby if you were to get pregnant. And I can’t stress hard enough that you need to talk with your doctor about this. Because mental health, and it’s medications, have a strong influence in any relationship that you have.

Also, talk with a priest. Tell him exactly what you’ve posted here. He may well be unsupportive about you getting married. Whatever he says, consider it carefully. It may be that you are really called to the single life. Not to discount anything. Many people with mental illness get married and do fine. But, for myself, I’m beginning to think that God wants me to stay single. Why? I have no idea, just like I have no idea why He allows me to suffer from being mentally ill.

 

[Mermaid_Mama]

It is very healthy to be married for a few years before you start having children. It’s better for the marriage because it gives you time to really get to know your husband.

There is just as much evidence that it is healthy for a marriage to start out with children right off the bat, because then children don’t get resented for disrupting already established patterns. There is no adjusting from “normal” to “life with kids.” The marriage always includes kids.

People can get too set in their ways, and then children pay the price. Besides shouldn’t you really get to know your spouse BEFORE you marry them?

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

There is just as much evidence that it is healthy for a marriage to start out with children right off the bat, because then children don’t get resented for disrupting already established patterns. There is no adjusting from “normal” to “life with kids.” The marriage always includes kids.

People can get too set in their ways, and then children pay the price. Besides shouldn’t you really get to know your spouse BEFORE you marry them?

See, and this is what I’m talking about. The idea that I would be doing something wrong with waiting. That the children pay the price.

Again, I have OCD. The idea that I might do something wrong can overwhelm me. I’ve had thought processes that start with the idea that I shouldn’t have children, so I shouldn’t marry, so I shouldn’t date, so I should break up with my boyfriend. This is usually quelled rather fast when people remind me that I would be a good mum.

And it wouldn’t ‘always’ include kids. Even if you get pregnant right away, there are 9 months before the kid’s there. Plus there should be some form of adjustment period. Yes, you know your spouse before, but you haven’t lived with them before. Haven’t slept with them before. I presume it’s quite a change in normal life to live with someone else.

Somehow the idea of cramming a wedding, adjustment to married life and infants/new parents into a year seems a lot.

I want kids. At this moment I don’t mind the idea of a honeymoon child. But it is a lot to deal with, even if you’re mentally sound. I can be less than.

 

[Mermaid_Mama]

One thing I haven’t seen addressed: Babies and little kids can be fairly disgusting. They poop on you, pee on you, puke on you, throw food, spill things, eat stuff off the ground… I have one who eats boogers all the time…

And that’s just the normal ones. If you have a child with medical issues, there will likely be more than that to deal with that would be difficult for anyone squeamish, much less OCD.

How are you going to handle that?

 

[BiologyBrain]

I am not married yet, but have been dating my boyfriend for some time and we openly discuss marriage. I am currently on anti-depressants that should not be taken while pregnant. And there is also the matter of the illness itself getting worse during stressful or new situations - say, like, getting married plus getting pregnant on the honeymoon.

Now I’ll also add that I want children. I want to be a good mother. My problem is that many here seem to think I should not be married in the first place. And with the OCD comes scrupulosity, and then posts like this. In my personal opinion I think it quite prudent to take things in the order such as, to get married, get off the meds slowly, then try for children once my system’s clean and my mental state is deemed fine.

My personal opinion, and from what I’ve seen, the opinion of the Church (on its stance for NFP to space children) would allow you to use NFP to space/plan your children with respect to your OCD. I think there are some on these boards who would rather no one practice NFP to avoid children b/c they think even NFP is illicit. If you have been called to be a wife & mother, but it is medically (whether physically or mentally) in your best interest to post-pone children, use NFP by all means.

As a fellow OCD’er I completely identify w/ your feelings, even though my OCD isn’t to the point where I need medication. It is very difficult to put things into perspective for someone who doesn’t have to deal w/ the same issues you do. Even though I’m OCD, I’m not very good at NFP (well, my husband’s not very good at listening to my NFP signs), and I got pregnant on my honeymoon. I was a nervous wreck & it ended in miscarriage. Since then I’ve been pregnant 5 other times w/ only 1 live birth & a current so-far successful pregnancy. The priests & theologians I’ve spoken to have said that its perfectly legitimate for me to avoid pregnancy using NFP until I can get over the emotional (as well as physical) problems associated w/ repetitive miscarriage.

Good luck!

 

[twiceblessed]

I have mental health issues and am married. You may PM me if you want to talk about this further. I feel for you and wish the best for you and your future spouse.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

One thing I haven’t seen addressed: Babies and little kids can be fairly disgusting. They poop on you, pee on you, puke on you, throw food, spill things, eat stuff off the ground… I have one who eats boogers all the time…

And that’s just the normal ones. If you have a child with medical issues, there will likely be more than that to deal with that would be difficult for anyone squeamish, much less OCD.

How are you going to handle that?

The best way I can. With the help of my darling husband and God.

As a fellow OCD’er I completely identify w/ your feelings, even though my OCD isn’t to the point where I need medication. It is very difficult to put things into perspective for someone who doesn’t have to deal w/ the same issues you do. Even though I’m OCD, I’m not very good at NFP (well, my husband’s not very good at listening to my NFP signs), and I got pregnant on my honeymoon. I was a nervous wreck & it ended in miscarriage. Since then I’ve been pregnant 5 other times w/ only 1 live birth & a current so-far successful pregnancy. The priests & theologians I’ve spoken to have said that its perfectly legitimate for me to avoid pregnancy using NFP until I can get over the emotional (as well as physical) problems associated w/ repetitive miscarriage.

Good luck!

God Bless you, your husband and all of your children. I hope that everything turns out well for you. You’ll meet your babies in Heaven someday.

And thank you, your words were very kind.

I have mental health issues and am married. You may PM me if you want to talk about this further. I feel for you and wish the best for you and your future spouse.

Thank you for the help and best wishes! I hope all is well for you too.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

Bump

I do want to add something more than merely bump but I can’t think of anything other than- any more viewpoints?

 

[lovemysix]

PLT,

My strongest viewpoint is this: I think if I had OCD, these boards would be the death of me. I struggled for years with scruples, a form of OCD, and I am so glad it was long before these boards or the internet existed. I think going online and reading what everybody else opined was a sin or not a sin would have pushed me right over the edge.

So I guess my question for you is this: are you sure it’s healthy for you to be here? I’m not saying this to be rude but out of true concern.

As for my opinion about marriage and mental health issues: it’s so individual that I just don’t think any of us on an internet forum someplace can give you a very useful opinion about your particular case. If only the physically and mentally perfect are allowed to marry, then marriage is doomed because few of us meet that standard. I’ve struggled with my share of depression over the years, and yes, it HAS affected my ability to parent well at times, but my husband has always been super-supportive and would push me to get help when I reached that point.

As for whether it is legit to start out a marriage using NFP due to health issues…is anything any of us is going to say really going to put you at peace about it? Talk to a good priest who knows you well and whom you trust. Here in internet-land, you will find Catholic opinions all over the spectrum.

God bless you throughout your journey

 

[twiceblessed]

PLT,

My strongest viewpoint is this: I think if I had OCD, these boards would be the death of me. I struggled for years with scruples, a form of OCD, and I am so glad it was long before these boards or the internet existed. I think going online and reading what everybody else opined was a sin or not a sin would have pushed me right over the edge.

So I guess my question for you is this: are you sure it’s healthy for you to be here? I’m not saying this to be rude but out of true concern.

I actually agree with this. I know this site has been way too much for me at times over my two years of being here. Sins become people’s opinions here verses actual church teachings. It makes it near impossible to sort it out, when you already have trouble in the first place. I’m able to tune all that out for the most part now, you won’t see me touch the moral theology forum with a ten foot pole, but there’s been plenty of times I come off here crying. Please take care of yourself dear, if it’s too much please hop off at least for a time. :hug1: