Marriage and pornography

[kaisash]

Hey everyone. i have a problem and i need some help. my husband and i have only been married a few months. we didnt live together before we were married. i didnt know something about him that now is breaking my heart and is making me consider divorce. he looks at porn. he says about twice a month but i know hes lieing. what should i do? should i leave him? how can i fix this without losing my marriage.

much thanks,
Kais

 

[pprimeau1976]

kaisash:

Hey everyone. i have a problem and i need some help. my husband and i have only been married a few months. we didnt live together before we were married. i didnt know something about him that now is breaking my heart and is making me consider divorce. he looks at porn. he says about twice a month but i know hes lieing. what should i do? should i leave him? how can i fix this without losing my marriage.

much thanks,
Kais

There is little you can do except stand your ground, state your objections, and pray for him. The person who needs to fix this problem the most his him. You might also want to seek professional counseling with a counselor who shares Catholic values.

 

[Genesis315]

Is he willing to give it up for you, but he feels addicted? Or does he not care and still wants to look at it?

 

[kaisash]

he doesnt think its that big of a deal. i feel betrayed and he just apologizes and thinks that that makes it ok.

 

[pprimeau1976]

kaisash:

he doesnt think its that big of a deal. i feel betrayed and he just apologizes and thinks that that makes it ok.

If he was sorry, he would at least recognize that it is a big deal to you and make an attempt to stop. It sounds like he is not even trying. Tell him that it is no different than having concubines in the home.

 

[kaisash]

Thats what i told him, i told him that he had cheated on me by doing that. he thinks that its not true and that thats just a guy thing not a betrayal.

 

[pprimeau1976]

Go to www.pornnomore.com. There might be some links there that could help you. Is he even a religious man? Does he take the teachings of Christ seriously?

 

[buffalo]

Or Dads.org

 

[yochumjy]

kaisash:

Thats what i told him, i told him that he had cheated on me by doing that. he thinks that its not true and that thats just a guy thing not a betrayal.

Tell him he is wrong. It is not just a guy thing, it is a selfish guy thing. This can lead to a lot of problems and he won’t even recognize it. Let him know this is from other guys too.

Is he catholic? Does he understand what your wedding vows really mean?

He has given himself to you freely, fully, faithfully and fruitfully.

John

 

[Shinobu]

He is committing adultery. Talk to him and let him know this really hurts you and also let him know how it stands from a religious viewpoint. Is your Husband Catholic? Apologizing isn’t enough because he still does it. If he was really sorry he would attempt to get help or give it up, not just for you but also for his own health.

It is not just a guy thing, it is wrong and men only think it’s okay because society makes it okay. Just because a majority does it does not make it okay and acceptable.

I wish you the best

 

[jrabs]

You can also try this great site. I lost my marriage in part to this demon as well. My ex-husband has a porn addiction and now does not talk to his kids either.

trueknights.org/

I am sorry for your brokenness. I will pray for your marriage and for strength to fight this evil.

 

[kaisash]

My husband is a Catholic. he wants to be a Knight no less. we got married in the Catholic church. we’re young. 22 and 24. at first i thought this was just some stupid thing he may have not outgrown. but as i got deeper into my faith i realized this was a HUGE problem. i told him it was a sin. he has confessed it. but he fell again. he tells me that he will handle it and that i have to stop getting so upset. what i dont think he understands is that it makes me feel about about myself. i dont look ANYTHING like those thin women hes looking at. it ruins my self esteem, i dont even want him to see me the way a man should see his wife, in private times. so that makes him feel rejected and i guess he again turns to the porn, for needs im not fulfilling. its a viscious cycle. i cant take care of his needs because i feel like he wants me to look like those women and i just dont. i married a little out of my league. my husband is an attractive man, women flirt with him all the time, and i find myself under par when it comes to looks compared to the women who flirt with him. i just dont know what to do. i get mad at myself and then i get mad at him and consider divorce. i dont want to do that., its against my values and morals. i come from a divorced family and swore that i would never be divorced. maybe we should have lived together before we were married, at least then i would have known about this and been able to deal with it before we took our vows. i feel so lost and helpless and alone.

 

[jrabs]

kaisash:

i married a little out of my league. my husband is an attractive man, women flirt with him all the time, and i find myself under par when it comes to looks compared to the women who flirt with him. i just dont know what to do. i get mad at myself and then i get mad at him and consider divorce. i dont want to do that., its against my values and morals. i come from a divorced family and swore that i would never be divorced. maybe we should have lived together before we were married, at least then i would have known about this and been able to deal with it before we took our vows. i feel so lost and helpless and alone.

First of all, stop getting upset. Porn is NOT about good looking women and you being unattractive in your husband eyes.

So stop beating yourself up.

Your husband loves you for you or he would not have married you. But porn is an addiction that plays upon the mind.

Please look at the sites all the posters have provided you. This will help far better than I am capable of explaining.

 

[yochumjy]

kaisash:

My husband is a Catholic. he wants to be a Knight no less. we got married in the Catholic church. we’re young. 22 and 24. at first i thought this was just some stupid thing he may have not outgrown. but as i got deeper into my faith i realized this was a HUGE problem. i told him it was a sin. he has confessed it. but he fell again. he tells me that he will handle it and that i have to stop getting so upset. what i dont think he understands is that it makes me feel about about myself. i dont look ANYTHING like those thin women hes looking at. it ruins my self esteem, i dont even want him to see me the way a man should see his wife, in private times. so that makes him feel rejected and i guess he again turns to the porn, for needs im not fulfilling. its a viscious cycle. i cant take care of his needs because i feel like he wants me to look like those women and i just dont. i married a little out of my league. my husband is an attractive man, women flirt with him all the time, and i find myself under par when it comes to looks compared to the women who flirt with him. i just dont know what to do. i get mad at myself and then i get mad at him and consider divorce. i dont want to do that., its against my values and morals. i come from a divorced family and swore that i would never be divorced. maybe we should have lived together before we were married, at least then i would have known about this and been able to deal with it before we took our vows. i feel so lost and helpless and alone.

FIrst of all, you should not have lived with him. You were right on target with that. He has been sold a bill of goods and doesn’t understand the fine print. Society has told him that this is an okay thing to do, in your heart you see the truth. I’m not going to tell you that it will be easy to convince him, it may not. BTW, no matter what you think you look like compared to societies expectations of looks, you are a child of GOD and that makes you a precious and beautiful person! Don’t EVER forget that!

Divorce should be a last option, very last.

You are being called to help your husband move closer to God. I don’t know the best way to proceed, as I don’t know you. First you need to pray for him. Maybe ask for some help from a priest or look for hints on some of the links you were given.

What is interesting is he confessed the sin, so he realizes it was wrong. Maybe start from that angle. He knows it is wrong, remind him of that. Start small, ask him if he can give it up for 2 months. If he can’t maybe you can get him to explore why. Can you remove the temptation somehow. Ultimately, he will have to make the decision to quit and it could take some time.

I will pray for you.

John

 

[YinYangMom]

I would like to add Christopher West’s Beginners Guide to Theology of the Body too…It’s not very thick and pretty easy to read. It presents such insight to what it means to give oneself completely to another, especially in marriage.

As a FOCCUS ministry person I’m really surprised this issue was not revealed in the inventory when you and your husband took it as part of marriage preparation…is it that your parish/diocese does not utilize the FOCCUS inventory? What about Engaged Encounter? Did you two not go through that either?

Unfortunately, you are married now, there is no option for divorcing him. This is a major hurdle the two of you need to work through, but the good news is - you can do it. The better news is most couples who do get through these type of issues come out so much stronger in the faith, in their love and in their marriage so don’t despair. It’s not insurmountable. You’re young, you haven’t been married that long, you love each other, and you’ve caught the problem sooner than later.

Have faith. Have trust. Have patience. Pray a lot. Read a lot. John Paul II left his teachings in writing for all to see…you will find strength, conviction and courage in his writings. And there should be good programs offered by your diocese to help you through this. You can attend a marriage encounter, you can look into a Cursillos group in your diocese or other support programs.

 

[kaisash]

we did go through engaged encounter and our pre cana. this never came up. i want to throw something at him im so angry but i know i cant do that. im grateful hes working late tonight so i will have some time to cool off. i appreciate everyones kind words. im glad i found this forum.

 

[Jennie]

Kaisash,

Let your husband know that you are there for him, and help him overcome this obsession with pornography.

I can assure you that he doesn’t do it because you don’t “messure up” to the girls that he looks at.

Many guys will look at porn because it’s quick, easy, a sure thing, with no hassle. The truth of the matter is, it’s a lot harder to engage in the “real thing”.

Your husband loves you, and he is not deliberately trying to hurt you.

He needs to know that what he is doing is wrong, and how how it is affecting you. Then, BOTH of you need to agree to find a way to rid this from your marriage.

Ask him why he does it, and how it makes him feel. Ask what you can do to help prevent him from this temptation.

Maybe a figurine of Mary or Jesus by the computer/TV will help be a reminder for him when he’s feeling tempted.

Keep in mind that he will struggle with this, and will most likely fall short or “slip” from time to time.

It will get better, and your marriage will be even stronger than you can imagine. God Bless

Jennie

 

[rayne89]

I have been in you shoes and I know how painful it is. If he says he “handling it.” Yet still continues he is a addicted. Porn is like crack for the mind. You husband has bought into the lie that many other men do. “All guys do it.” All guys do not do it.

Your feelings are your feelings whether your husband agrees with them or not. When a person feels betrayed they will not stop feeling betrayed because someone says they shouldn’t.
Early in my marriage (before returning to the faith) I accepted porn thinking “Oh I’m a liberated women, I am secure with myself.” What a crock.
After our daughter was born my feelings changed literally over night, suddenly I became repulsed. It took close to 2 years to rid our home completely of it. That was before we had the internet.

During this time my husband converted to the faith.
When we got the internet 5 years later my husband swore up, down and sideways he would not look at the stuff. Our agreement was if porn came back into the house thru the internet I was going to cancel it. Well within 2 months of having it he was looking and when I found out (the history on the computer-he thought he had erased) my reaction was visceral. I checked the dates and times on the history and realized not only was he looking at it but some nights he was looking at it and then coming to bed wanting to be intimate. I thought I was going to vomit.

When it comes to problems in our marriage I am not one to become over emotional, I try to deal withings rational but I completely lost it. I was hysterical, I was shaking, I was screaming - I really don’t know how our daughter didn’t wake up. He swore after that never again, he apologized profusly. I even changed the password on the computer for about 6 months and didn’t tell him what it was, it was either that or cancel it. I felt bad and I finally tried to trust him again and gave him the password.
It was a couple of months and guess what, I found it again. This time he said you know what I do have a problem, because no matter how hard I try I can’t stay away from it. He made the decision to stay off the computer entirely unless I’m in the same room. That was a year ago and so far so good.

Check out the links people gave you. It isn’t about what you look like. Guys with with wives that look like magazine covergirls look at porn. If your husband knows his behavior is hurting you yet he continues in his behavior he is disrespecting your marriage vows, and I believe he also has an addiction. I will keep you both in my prayers.

 

[kaisash]

i confronted my husband this weekend. it didnt go so good. i screamed and yelled and lost my temper completely. he told me that he looked at it because it was something different. it wasnt me. and that he wanted me to be thin. he said he had even considered cheating on me with a girl at work. all though nothing physical happened between them, he said the flirting relationship was inappropriate. i felt my heart snap in two. i just began throwing the couch throw pillows at him and told him to get out. he told me he had lost his attraction to me right after our wedding, when this girl at work all of a sudden started paying attention to him. i slapped him and then threw my wedding ring at him and left for my sisters because he wouldnt leave and i couldnt be around him. the next morning i came home. i apologized for hitting him. we agreed to go to marriage counseling and are trying to work things out. i cant be intimate with him. i shut him out of the bedroom when i change my clothes. and i wont let him touch me. he broke my heart and the only reason i came home was because i dont believe in divorce. hes agreed to go and talk to our priest about his problems and his short comings as a husband. im afraid i may never get over this. i dont know that i will ever let him touch me or see me again. i cant believe i let this evil into my marriage. i dont know what to do. i told him about these sites yall suggested and he agreed to look at them. i just dont know how to forgive him for the awful things he said to me.

 

[blueadept]

You have my prayers for you and your marriage. First, I would set up a meeting with a counselor immediately. Second, (you’ve probably already done this) convey how you’ve lost trust in him because of this and it’s his job to gain back that trust. Third, with him come up with a list of consequences that gets worse everytime he looks at pornography. Some guys need to weigh consequences when faced with issues of pornography. Porn vs. couch, porn vs. dishes, porn vs. money, porn vs. computer, porn vs. car, porn vs. boat, porn vs. separation, etc. BTW, talk of flirting with anyone else should go straight to separation. Convey the fact that he needs to rebuild trust in your relationship. Good luck and I will pray for you.