Marriage and pregnancy vs adoption

[nodito]

A very dear friend of mine is discerning marriage with her boyfriend. She does not think she would like to have biological children. This woman has had some mental health problems in the past and worries, among other things, that she might be unable to cope with being pregnant. That said, she thinks she would like to be a mother and considers adoption to be a selfless means of fulfilling that aspect of married life.

I realize that a permanent intention against children is an impediment to a valid marriage. Does that mean a permanent intention against conceiving and bearing children or would adopting children meet this requirement? What advice would you give to a close friend that came to you with these concerns? (Bonus points if you make it sound loving and compassionate and not as blunt as you might on an anonymous internet forum).

Thanks.

 

[Naga]

I believe that, provided they are open to the possibility of having children (i.e. no artificial contraceptives, etc.) it would be a valid marriage.

 

[Allegra]

It sounds like an unrealistic expectation. Parenthood is much more stressful and a whole lot longer than pregnancy. If your friend is really concerned for her mental health, she should probably not get married at this time. However, to answer the question, the intention to adopt children rather than to have biological children isn’t an impediment to marriage as long as the couple isn’t corrupting the marriage act by using contraception to achieve this goal. She should also keep in mind that God often laughs at our plans.

 

[1ke]

Does that mean a permanent intention against conceiving and bearing children

Yes.

What advice would you give to a close friend that came to you with these concerns?

I would advise her to talk to her pastor.

 

[nodito]

Yes.

1ke, where can I find this?

 

[robwar]

A very dear friend of mine is discerning marriage with her boyfriend. She does not think she would like to have biological children. This woman has had some mental health problems in the past and worries, among other things, that she might be unable to cope with being pregnant. That said, she thinks she would like to be a mother and considers adoption to be a selfless means of fulfilling that aspect of married life.

I realize that a permanent intention against children is an impediment to a valid marriage. Does that mean a permanent intention against conceiving and bearing children or would adopting children meet this requirement? What advice would you give to a close friend that came to you with these concerns? (Bonus points if you make it sound loving and compassionate and not as blunt as you might on an anonymous internet forum).

Thanks.

I am an adoptive mother and adoptive parents can face the same challenges as bio parents and in fact based on what type of adoption maybe more. Adoption process is not for the faint of heart. Our youngest took 16 months to complete. We went international. I think I would tell her that she may need some kind of counseling to address her fears of pregnancy. If she thinks that parenting is easy, she is in for a surprise and pregnancy is the least of the issues or challenges here.

 

[nodito]

I am an adoptive mother and adoptive parents can face the same challenges as bio parents and in fact based on what type of adoption maybe more. Adoption process is not for the faint of heart. Our youngest took 16 months to complete. We went international. I think I would tell her that she may need some kind of counseling to address her fears of pregnancy. If she thinks that parenting is easy, she is in for a surprise and pregnancy is the least of the issues or challenges here.

I’m not sure if she realizes how difficult parenthood is in general, but with regard to having children, her main issue is with the pregnancy itself (i.e., physically growing another person in her body).

I know one of the marriage vows is to accept children lovingly from God. I’d like to find something that explains what this means specifically. In other words, something official that explains that the vows mean intending biological children if you are physically capable of having them and why this is important. Any ideas?

 

[nodito]

However, to answer the question, the intention to adopt children rather than to have biological children isn’t an impediment to marriage as long as the couple isn’t corrupting the marriage act by using contraception to achieve this goal.

Thanks, Allegra. Where could I find this explained?

 

[robwar]

I’m not sure if she realizes how difficult parenthood is in general, but with regard to having children, her main issue is with the pregnancy itself (i.e., physically growing another person in her body).

I know one of the marriage vows is to accept children lovingly from God. I’d like to find something that explains what this means specifically. In other words, something official that explains that the vows mean intending biological children if you are physically capable of having them and why this is important. Any ideas?

It’s not a vow made. I would search Catholic answer (not the forum) here for official requirements concerning children and marriage.

 

[Just_Lurking]

From here:

Simulation against the good of children (contra bonum prolis)

This intention may, but need not, involve an absolute refusal ever to have children. Perhaps more commonly the exclusion might be a matter of one of the parties reserving to him or her self the sole power to determine, without respect to the other party’s rights or wishes, whether or not to have children or unilaterally to limit the number of children. The Church teaches that in a genuine marriage the parties exchange certain rights, and one such right is that of openness to children in the union. An intention in which one partner denies this right of the other is invalidating. A situation in which the two parties mutually agree to limit the number of children or delay having children is not an invalidating exclusion unless that agreement is understood by one of the parties to supersede the right of the other to change his or her mind. Since marriage is ordained not only for the procreation but also for the education of children, the jurisprudence recognizes the invalidating consequences of an intention against the education of children.

 

[nodito]

It’s not a vow made. I would search Catholic answer (not the forum) here for official requirements concerning children and marriage.

One of the vows in the Catholic marriage rite is to accept children lovingly from God.

 

[Kal2012]

In the end, she really needs to take responsibility for her health and not use it as an excuse not to have kids.

For instance, my stepmom had multiple personality disorder and she HATED taking her meds. In that case, I’d say, no, don’t have children. If you aren’t willing to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, then you really shouldn’t be responsible for another human life. However, if she has her illness under control (via therapy, medication) and is continuously working on being mentally healthy, then I really don’t see why being pregnant would be a big deal.

Adoption is a great option, but I think that she needs to talk to someone about her fears, especially if she’s committed to living a Catholic life. Oops pregnancies do happen using NFP. If that’s going to send her into a tailspin, then maybe she shouldn’t get married and live a single life.

It took awhile for my husband to stop believing that he’d become like his dad was. Having fears is normal, but need to be worked through.

 

[robwar]

In the end, she really needs to take responsibility for her health and not use it as an excuse not to have kids.

For instance, my stepmom had multiple personality disorder and she HATED taking her meds. In that case, I’d say, no, don’t have children. If you aren’t willing to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, then you really shouldn’t be responsible for another human life. However, if she has her illness under control (via therapy, medication) and is continuously working on being mentally healthy, then I really don’t see why being pregnant would be a big deal.

Adoption is a great option, but I think that she needs to talk to someone about her fears, especially if she’s committed to living a Catholic life. Oops pregnancies do happen using NFP. If that’s going to send her into a tailspin, then maybe she shouldn’t get married and live a single life.

It took awhile for my husband to stop believing that he’d become like his dad was. Having fears is normal, but need to be worked through.

If she has mental health issues which we don’t know exactly what they are, that does affect someone as a parent whether the children are biological or adopted. Adoption process is just as stressful as a physical pregnancy and the better thing here would be to work on her fears and mental health. Your life if very much under a microscope in the home study process and if there are mental health issues at play, they will come up and out in the process to be approved for adoption. One shouldn’t be looking at adoption as an alternative because one is afraid of being pregnant.

 

[UnCatholicBride]

I think what a lot of people are neglecting to realize is that this woman may not be able to cope with pregnancy due to her medications being contraindicated in pregnancy, but that wouldn’t be an issue if she were to adopt since the medications would not be affecting the development of the child.

 

[robwar]

I think what a lot of people are neglecting to realize is that this woman may not be able to cope with pregnancy due to her medications being contraindicated in pregnancy, but that wouldn’t be an issue if she were to adopt since the medications would not be affecting the development of the child.

Yes, I understand that and all of this is third person as well. The people this person should be talking to is her dr and then her priest on all the consequences of her condition which isn’t given here and then what medicines she maybe on and then what fears she has. Those are the draw backs when someone trying to be nice and helpful and ask strangers on the internet for advice when we don’t have all the info available first hand. What has presented was that she has some fears which included fears of another person growing in her body. That really needs to be addressed in pre-marital counseling. Adoption isn’t an answer because someone has fears like this or at least what has been presented second hand not direct first hand.

 

[Crown_of_Stars]

A very dear friend of mine is discerning marriage with her boyfriend. She does not think she would like to have biological children. This woman has had some mental health problems in the past and worries, among other things, that she might be unable to cope with being pregnant. That said, she thinks she would like to be a mother and considers adoption to be a selfless means of fulfilling that aspect of married life.

Unable to cope with being pregnant mentally, physically, or both? I feel for her, especially if it’s physically. I think she should be able to adopt without feeling guilty. Sometimes we may tend to feel we have to be too strict in our Catholic beliefs with these particular issues. The husband and wife would be avoiding pregnancy the natural way (which, I think, is acceptable) and adopting would be giving an unwanted child a good home. I don’t feel any of this would be wrong. But I don’t know her exact situation, and something like this would have to take a great deal of consideration by her and her possible husband before a definite decision could be made.