Marriage and taking "time off"

  • Thread starter Thread starter rivera01
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
hasikelee said:
Your wife is hanging out at someone’s house drinking until 3AM. :eek:

Are you driving over there and picking her up?

Is someone dropping her off? Who? Have they been drinking?

Did she consume alcohol? Was your wife intoxicated?

Does she know that she can lose her license, go to jail and be fined for DUI?

This is only if she is drunk, buzzed etc…Consuming one or two glasses of wine etc, is not going to cause that during a 3-5 hour time period
The friend doesn’t want to hang out at your home? Because he/she is uncomfortable?:eek:

Again i don’t see this a bad if its because she can vibes from the husband

Why is friend’s feelings more important than hubby’s feelings?
Why is the hubby not allowed to come along? Why is it only one friend? Most girls want to hang out and drink/party with all their friends. What in the world are two grown women doing drinking all alone until 3am? :eek:

**Perhaps this is the only woman friend she has. I don’t have a lot of woman friends either. I don’t understand why everyone seems to think this woman is the main problem in this relationship? **

There are bigger issues to figure out before hubby even gets to the issue of how to spend time alone or whether he is communicating.

I agree totally. She is finding something lacking but I think that perhaps the OP should take up his friends offer and go out once or twice. I think it would help.
www.marriagebuilders.com

I’d sit down and have a really open and honest chat with the wife over this one.
Click to expand...
 
Well… I’m going to come at this from another angle. 😉

I have a friend that constantly wants me to hang out with her. She is a “high maintenance” sort of friend who has a miserable marriage herself and wants me to live with her in her misery. She talks badly about her own husband and encourages me to see the negative in my own marriage… which isn’t much!!

This woman may be that kind of person, or not. I don’t know. But if she is uncomfortable around you, that would fly the red flags for me!

I could, if I were not strong, enter into this relationship with my friend and go along with her and where would that lead me? I firmly believe it would make me a disgruntled wife who only finds enjoyment with her girlfriends.

I don’t want that at all. Perhaps that is what is happening and your wife doesn’t have a clue that it is happening. It’s really easy for a woman friend to become so important to another friend that she begins to exclude even her husband and children.

in Christ
Steph
 
This problem isn’t going to go away, it’s getting worse.
I know it’s scary, but you have to talk.
 
i do agree that talking bad about your husband never leads anywhere. the issue cannot be resolved unless you sit down with him and talk to him.
 
tundramom said:
Well… I’m going to come at this from another angle. 😉

I have a friend that constantly wants me to hang out with her. She is a “high maintenance” sort of friend who has a miserable marriage herself and wants me to live with her in her misery. She talks badly about her own husband and encourages me to see the negative in my own marriage… which isn’t much!!

This woman may be that kind of person, or not. I don’t know. But if she is uncomfortable around you, that would fly the red flags for me!

I could, if I were not strong, enter into this relationship with my friend and go along with her and where would that lead me? I firmly believe it would make me a disgruntled wife who only finds enjoyment with her girlfriends.

I don’t want that at all. Perhaps that is what is happening and your wife doesn’t have a clue that it is happening. It’s really easy for a woman friend to become so important to another friend that she begins to exclude even her husband and children.

in Christ
Steph
Click to expand...
You can never tell, but that is fairly common. A person who does this and meets up with someone who responds as if they wanted to help them solve the problems is not met with welcome. The OP may be in that category…somebody who is going to kill the pity party.

People who are depressed sometimes wallow in their depression together, too. It can feel like having found somebody who understands. Maybe they do, but if they’re in the same pit and deciding what kind of stuff to furnish it with instead of trying to find a ladder, it is time to move on.

I know, I was the person looking at furniture once. I was very hurt when my friend drifted off, but in retrospect I’m surprised I didn’t drive her to slit her wrists.
Dacinom said:
There is a difference between hanging out with a girlfriend and being in a relationship to get away from your husband and family.

Only you can decide what this is. If it is just friendship, try and compromise with your wife. If not, try and find out why your wife is determined to get away and does not want to spend time with you.

Lastly, I disagree with the notion that talking bad about their husbands is just what “girls do.” This is gossip, and it is sinful. I am not saying that I have never done this mind you! But I don’t think it is something he just has to put up with since it is wrong of his wife to do.
Click to expand...
“Commiserating” is what a lot of people do, male and female, as anyone who’s heard about 90% of the stand-up comedians in the last…I dunno, when was stand-up comedy invented? You tell exaggerated stories about how awful your life is with your spouse, siblings, and in-laws–oh, and don’t forget the boss!–and people seem to either feel better about themselves because their life isn’t that bad, or better about themselves because it is.

But all joking aside, when it is meant seriously, it is wrong, destructive to both the marriages under discussion and the talebearers who are dissecting them.

Of course, the OPs wife and friend may be talking about nothing of the kind. As someone pointed out, when guys get together until all hours on a Saturday night, sometimes they do just play cards.
mariam1976 said:
i do agree that talking bad about your husband never leads anywhere. the issue cannot be resolved unless you sit down with him and talk to him.
Click to expand...
Well, that is all well and good, but the wife didn’t post here.

All this conjecture is just that, though. In the end, though, this is about his feelings about his wife’s choices. Your are right: he needs to talk to her and the two of them need to get to the bottom of what is really going on here.
 
Wow, it looks like I opened a can of worms. For the record and like I previously stated, I just feel indiffrent about my wife’s friend. I never said she was the problem, nor I think she is the problem with our relationship. If there is anyone to blame for the occured, I would blame myself because I have driven her to take said behavior.
Now that I am trying to better my person, all I really want for us to do is live more of a sanctified life in JC. I know that with the Lord’s help our marriage can be more fulfilling and united. I am not saying that all I do is leave it in His hands, because I am not. Everyday I try to do many things that show her that I love her. I lend an ear to what ever she has to say. I show her that she is important and not alone in the world. As far as my wife is concerned though, she tells me that she prays daily in hopes of healing those wounds. I would like for her to be a more devoted Catholic, but she says that she does not feel comfortable to start going to church at this time because she does not have feelings for me. I have assured her that I do not wish for her to love me at this moment, and in no way am I pressuring her into loving me, even though I long for her love. What is important for me to have her heal her wounds, which is why I wish for her to attend church regularly.
You are all right in saying that we need to talk about what is bothering me. I just hope that she does not see my concern in a negative way and hope that she understands. I wish for her to have some away time, but at the frequency that it use to be, it had become a thorn on my side. I am not bothered by her having friends or going out, i wish for her to have temperance in doing so. My only wish from the forum is for everyone to pray for the healing of my wife and the healing of our marriage.
 
maria, you bring up good points to the worries in my post.

I still get a weird feeling thinking about it.

High maintenance, friendly or not, there is just something strange (in my perception) of thinking of a grown woman, with a husband and children, wanting to go over to someone’s home and drink with another woman until 3AM.

And one or two drinks is enough to never touch the keys to your car.

Also, I am never one to advocate getting permission from your spouse, but this wife is really lacking consideration for her spouse. Both of them probably need an unbiased professional to sit them down and guide them to an understanding.
 
rivera…I think perhaps your wife, “unloaded” on this woman with regard the problems that you and she have had. Even though you may believe after a retreat, you are working to get back on track. The thing is, she hasn’t let go of the “elephant” memory.

Has she had friends she talked to since you have been married as close as this friend is? If not, there is a clue, she may have believed herself to be on a “treadmill”, and losing track of who she is. Most men are clueless as to what a woman wants or needs…especially a wife. To be a wife, stay home, raise kids, have a comfortable living, (not rich, not poor), should be enough. Maybe for her its not enough, and she longs for something “outside” of the house, where she can be herself. She loves you and the kids, so that is not the issue.

I believe the friend is not staying long, because of the things your wife has told her about you. You mentioned that she has gone to work. Does that bother you? Maybe with the extra income, you both could do a getaway weekend. My DH and I used to have a lot of those. Now that we are close to empty nesting, we go every Valentine’s weekend to the beach. Yeah, its freezing cold, but there is much to be said of the quietness of off season. (not to mention the price)

Have you ever cooked a meal? Have you offered to take the kiddo’s to park or for some ice cream?

Maybe a bbq, and invite your wife’s friend and her husband, and few neighbors. Maybe you both need to climb out of the work, home, kids, work, home, kids box…

You both are suffering. Leave the church part alone. She isn’t going to go, and no amount of coaxing is going to get her there. Her connection to the church will come from within, not from you.

You didn’t say if she comes home 3 sheets to the wind, has she ever? If it happens more often than not, she may be down the slow road to depression, and alcohol is not the best medicine.

If the women friend has a husband, maybe a man to man is in order.
 
The other thing you might consider is telling your wife you’d like her to have the time and money it would take for her to talk to someone professionally on a regular basis. Everyone needs friends, but her wounds may be more than just venting can cure. Just as a physical therapist can making the healing of muscles progress more directly, a therapist may be able to guide her inner healing in a similar way.

How do I say this delicately? You do not need to have a mental illness to profit from seeing a good therapist. You only need to have difficult emotional terrain that you could use help navigating.

She could also see a spiritual advisor. This is not someone who would tell her what to do, but someone who listens and helps her work through her problems herself.

Again, this is not in place of her friend and it is not in place of you. This is somebody with more expertise in navigating life’s storms than either you or most friends are likely to have. It is also someone outside the boat, someone without their own needs to watch out for. That can be invaluable…to the point that good therapists usually will not treat people that they socialize with.

Just a thought.
 
To the OP. DH and I don’t really go out on dates in the evening a lot anymore, mainly because of the hassle of a babysitter. I love it when he cooks me a meal (or arranges deli/microwave items on a plate), lights a candle or two, and we just chat, or play cards/watch a funny film-bliss. Cheap too, which appeals to my “if it aint cheap, then it aint good” philosophy.
 
Probably my best adult friend is my neighbor across the street. We’re both gear-heads, love to build & tinker with cars, motorbikes & “stuff”. Many a weekend spent in the garage sittin’ around watching a race or killing off a twelve’r.

Our wives aren’t best buddies, but get along. They’ve gone out from time to time, but they really just don’t “click” together.

I wish my wife had a neighborhood buddy like mine to go and “bend their ear” from time to time, or go out for drinks & some goof-off time.

As long as either doesn’t abuse the privilege, or trust isn’t questioned what’s the problem. All couples need a break from eachother occasionally!😉
 
I didn’t read the entire thread. But has anyone ever suggested that you just step back and look at the big picture?

Do the late nights out seem to be doing her good? Or are they causing ill?

When your wife maintains evenings out on a regular schedule does she seem to be a better wife and mother? Do you notice that when she hasn’t gone out for several weeks she is “lacking something”?

If so, I wouldn’t worry so much.

HOWEVER, if you notice more marital problems when she continues with these visits - the visits are probably bad.

Now, you can’t go saying, “yeah, I notice that she doesn’t cook my breakfast on Saturday morning after a late night Friday”. You gotta figure she’s going to sleep in and that’s just part of your gift to her.

However, if you’ve noticed that she quit doing the nice things she used to do for you entirely, or almost entirely. Then maybe think otherwise. Or if she’s taking down the crucifix’s in the house and putting up crystals instead - Be afraid, be very afraid!

You get the idea?

My wife will got out with her cronies. I don’t mind a late night. I did get owly once when she talked in the parking lot for an hour after the establishment closed (it was not a tavern). But that was because she was late in being home and I knew when the placed closed and I was concerned for her safety.
 
I appreciate all the in put. While I am typing this, it looks like my praying and anyone’s who is praying for our marriage, has helped. Things haven’t changed drastically, but she has let me show her my love and affection toward her 🙂 . I asked her why she has let me be closer to her. She says she didn’t know why, but she just let me; so the first thing that came to mind was GOD! I haven’t stopped praying for our marriage, but I know this is a crucial step in our marriage. Hopefully by continue to show her that I love her and appreciate her, I will win her heart again, but only with the Lord JC help. As far as the late night visit to the neighbors is concerned, I know that once our marriage has progressed to a more positive and stable point. I do hope things get better quicker, but I just have to be patient.
 
hasikelee said:
maria, you bring up good points to the worries in my post.

I still get a weird feeling thinking about it.

High maintenance, friendly or not, there is just something strange (in my perception) of thinking of a grown woman, with a husband and children, wanting to go over to someone’s home and drink with another woman until 3AM.

And one or two drinks is enough to never touch the keys to your car.

Also, I am never one to advocate getting permission from your spouse, but this wife is really lacking consideration for her spouse. Both of them probably need an unbiased professional to sit them down and guide them to an understanding.
Click to expand...
I think the same too…

It’s unconsiderate of her to go out 'til 3AM specially if she goes to drink… She’s a married woman! Is that the example she wants to set to her children?

Can’t she have a cup of coffee with her friend at a coffee shop at NORMAL hours like 3PM???
That’s giving her space and letting her have her own friendships!

Going out in the middle of the night drinking is not the only way to hang out with friends! Specially if you’re married.
So OBVIOUSLY there’s an underlying problem here, which you already mentioned… So, maybe what you have to explain to her is that you two need to work on those problems or open wounds first instead of her looking for ways to escape!
It’s only gonna bring more heartache later if she does something really wrong because she was out drunk at 3AM, you know, specially when she’s unwilling to get near God! You can’t be tempting the devil and expect to get out untouched!

I think is time for a heart to heart…
 
You might want to considar a couple things, if you were not a very good spouse, becoming a better one, doesn’t put the problems away. Now your trying to become better, that sort of cuts into her space she once took up in the family. When people live in so intimate of quarters, toes get stepped on. Your just dancing closer together, and so more toes get stepped on. It’s frustrating, your probably thinking, shoot I’ve worked so hard to become so much better, what she wanted, but now it seems it creates more problems.

Unfortunatlly for the sake of patients, we live in today, one, five, twenty years is so long away. It’ll take time to adjust to how best to work out alone time, friend time, spouse time, and family time. Pick your moments when to press and when to hold back. I doubt you changed when she wanted you too, you changed when it felt right to you and was a long process, and so will be the same for her. As far as God, much the same, everytime she wanted you to this or that, wasn’t always the best time, and so will be with her and the Church.

As far as the nights out. I cannot blame you for feeling as you do. Judging it, I’d go with Black Jaques take. If going out means she is putting marriage less and less a priority, you have to make an attempt to step in. If it helps her get some stress out, then its a good thing. I’m sure she’s venting, of course one always has to take it in the proper context. I think the friend might not know how to take you, or might just not want families to get mixed up, so as to have a place to get away. You might want to think about bar hopping too if you don’t have a problem with alchole, I don’t know what your situation is, you can always skip the drinks. A DD is never a bad thing to keep around. You need to get out too.

I’ll pray for you and your family. I’d be sure to try to be getting some retreats regularly. It’s good to get some time together away, while relaxed. The stress of caring for the family, can get you disconnected at times. Also heart to hearts are always a good thing. If this causes a heart to heart talk, it’s probably a good thing, well it’s always a good thing.
 
I don’t have a 2 cent smiley, but here’s mine
I am very much in favor of married people taking separate vacations from time to time, but not if it replaces the family vacation or the downtime couples should spend together. I am in favor of guys’ night out and girls night out for spouses, as long as it is planned into the week or month schedule and does not replace family or couple time.

my only problem with OP is the word sabbatical (if that is indeed the term used by the guy who is going on the camping trip). that implies completely giving up the duties of married life for a long period of time. A professor or rabbi or missionary goes on a sabbatical, literally a sabbath, break from work and duties, every 7th year in order to read, study, rest and recharge from their work. That is usually done when an assignment or project is completed.

A father of a young infant is in the middle of a project, and unless he is leaving his wife and children with plenty of help and support from family, certainly has no business leaving at such a time if he can help it. (Job, deployment etc. excepted). I assume he has paid time off from his job and is not depriving his family in that way either.

The extended camping trip with the brother might be a once in a lifetime opportunity and a good thing in general, but the timing might be off for this family.

Neither spouse would be taking a separate vacation or leaving for another reason in the middle of a crisis (serious illness of a child for example) or when the other spouse is not up to par physically and emotionally.

my apologies I thought I was answering the thread I just previewed, and read completely a couple of hours ago on the guy going on “sabbatical” from marriage. but I guess my comments are not out of place here.

I heartily endorse the idea of girls night out and guys night out, weekly if possible, or at least monthly, for healthy marriages. When either spouse is spending all their downtime with friends, relatives, computer etc. and has no couple time and no family time, that is a danger signal. In no way shape or form should the personal time be spent with people engaging in objectionable activities, or exposing oneself to temptation for such activity. A weekly volleyball game or bridge game is a different thing than hanging around in bars all night.
 
I see two potential issues of the same coin: You wife is having a need met that you aren’t providing.

On the negative side, you are failing to meet a need that she desires from you. If this is the case, you need to find out what this need is and find a way that you can meet that need.

On the positive side, she has a need for female activities/ companionship that you can’t meet. It is not a reflection on you or her.

Personally, I am a hunter and a golfer. While I enjoy all of these activities with my children and wife (two of my three daughters and son hunt and all golf), one weekend a year I go on an all male hunting trip and an all-male golfing trip. My son and son-in-law come on the hunting trip and the golfing trip is with my friends (son-in-law has subbed if we were short 8 guys necessary for two foursomes).

During these trips, we eat too much and frankly probably drink too much. We eat big breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. We spend our day hunting/golfing, sit in a hot tub, eat dinner and then go back to a room and either watch the golf channel or the outdoor channel. No self-respecting woman would want to be with us on these trips and frankly, they aren’t welcome.

The fact your wife’s friend isn’t overly friendly to you is meaningless. You are another’s husband. My buddies don’t fall all over my wife. They are polite but nothing more. They didn’t pick her as their friend. They don’t have any desire to share anything with my wife except when it relates to me.

My wife has her monthly “coffee” with her friends where they go to a friends house in the pajama’s, watch movies, drink wine until way too late and sometimes she just stays there if she doesn’t think it wise to drive home. A couple of the ladies I hardly know as we don’t socialize with them as couples. I do tease her that it is an “occassion of sin” as I suspect they gossip.

Bottom line: If she is doing nothing that betrays your trust, is doing nothing sinful, she enjoys her time with this friend, and it doesn’t detract from your relationship, celebrate for her that she has this opportunity to have a need met.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top