Marriage Announcement

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bunnynessuk

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Well after everything thats happened this year me and h2b have decided to officially annouce our engagement to the families (his and mine) all our friends know and have done for some time but telling the parents is a whole other issue!

His mother hates me with a capital H I dont know why probably because I ‘stole her little boy’ - we have been together 5 years since we were 16. And in this time he has grown up a lot and he really needed to he has a degree a great job and his own house (thanks largely to me - he had no confidence in himself when I met him he was very insecure and no drive! Now he can stand up in a room and not feel embarrassed I am soo proud of him!) and his mother hates me for it she considers me to be ‘up myself’ (her words) and she refers to me as ‘that girl’ or ‘madam princess’ never my name, on the odd occasion I have had to call her house she hears my voice and hangs up. I have never been anything but polite which she saw as me ‘putting on an act’, and basically we havent spoken or seen each other in three years since she called me a ‘w**re’ dont ask me why. Anyhow thats the background to his family.

I dont think it would be right given this history for me to be with him when he tells her I cant see it helping matters as she once told him that he woudl ‘stay with me over her dead body’ and that it would kill his grandmother (who actually quite likes me? go figure). I think that this is something he needs to do. When we start to plan the wedding I dont want to ban them from coming but I dont want them involved and I also dont think they should be sat with my parents who obviously dont like the way they have treated me over the past 5 years. So its v v complicated.

My parents I think should be okay my mum is gunna be a little bit shocked because she considers me to be to young (im 21!) and she thinks I should have ‘experimented’ a bit more with other boys - as far as I am concerned though he is the one and thats all i need to know or experience,

We both have good solid graduate careers and savings behind us so neither of us are financially dependant but I dont want drama I have had enough?

Any advice? (Sorry for the long post!)
 
Pray and pray 🙂

Would you think that having her family Priest there for the announcement would help?
 
bunnynessuk said:
Well after everything thats happened this year me and h2b have decided to officially annouce our engagement to the families (his and mine) all our friends know and have done for some time but telling the parents is a whole other issue!

His mother hates me with a capital H I dont know why probably because I ‘stole her little boy’ - we have been together 5 years since we were 16. And in this time he has grown up a lot and he really needed to he has a degree a great job and his own house (thanks largely to me - he had no confidence in himself when I met him he was very insecure and no drive! Now he can stand up in a room and not feel embarrassed I am soo proud of him!) and his mother hates me for it she considers me to be ‘up myself’ (her words) and she refers to me as ‘that girl’ or ‘madam princess’ never my name, on the odd occasion I have had to call her house she hears my voice and hangs up. I have never been anything but polite which she saw as me ‘putting on an act’, and basically we havent spoken or seen each other in three years since she called me a ‘w**re’ dont ask me why. Anyhow thats the background to his family.

I dont think it would be right given this history for me to be with him when he tells her I cant see it helping matters as she once told him that he woudl ‘stay with me over her dead body’ and that it would kill his grandmother (who actually quite likes me? go figure). I think that this is something he needs to do. When we start to plan the wedding I dont want to ban them from coming but I dont want them involved and I also dont think they should be sat with my parents who obviously dont like the way they have treated me over the past 5 years. So its v v complicated.

My parents I think should be okay my mum is gunna be a little bit shocked because she considers me to be to young (im 21!) and she thinks I should have ‘experimented’ a bit more with other boys - as far as I am concerned though he is the one and thats all i need to know or experience,

We both have good solid graduate careers and savings behind us so neither of us are financially dependant but I dont want drama I have had enough?

Any advice? (Sorry for the long post!)
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Wow, another ‘boundaries’ post in one day :eek:

Situations like this don’t ‘go away’ if you passively try to make nice in order to get along. All that really does is enable the other person to be wretched towards you.

You mention all about his mom and how she treats you. Well…how has your fiance reacted in the past? Does he put up boundaries with his mother? Does he take into consideration your feelings over those of hers? (by his actions as well as his words?) Or does he step aside in order not to rock the boat or to avoid his mom’s tantrums?

I understand that you’ve helped him alot in his confidence but in the end you can’t be his ‘confidence’ for him. He has to man up if he hasn’t already. Really, he should be the one on this message board worrying about all of this and how to handle his mother in order not to put YOU through stress.

He needs to take the reigns in regards to his mother and be the one to suggest to you, “I think it’s best that I have this talk with her alone, and while I do it I will set ground rules for her to respect you completely as my fiance and future wife. If she can not accept or abide by these rules than she’s made her choice in regards to having a relationship with us.”

HE needs to do this because he cares about you.

Please don’t think I’m attacking your fiance, it’s just something most couples don’t realize should be the ‘norm’ when dealing with this sort of situation.

Let him know your wishes and make sure he is in charge of the invitation and seating of his family. In this planning proccess pay close attention to how willing he is to take this upon himself or allowing you to be the ‘buffer’ between him and his mom.

Because honey, if he allows you to be the ‘buffer’ now…then you’ll be the same buffer 5 years down the line when you have a toddler and your tearing your hair out because she undermines your parenting and does the same trash talking during any and all communication she has with your family.
 
Just curious…

Is everybody involved Catholic, or are there difference of religion (possibly with issues) between your families? I’m thinking a religious issue could go really deep and disguise itself as something other than a religious issue.

Alan
 
MCGar said:
Wow, another ‘boundaries’ post in one day :eek:

Situations like this don’t ‘go away’ if you passively try to make nice in order to get along. All that really does is enable the other person to be wretched towards you.

You mention all about his mom and how she treats you. Well…how has your fiance reacted in the past? Does he put up boundaries with his mother? Does he take into consideration your feelings over those of hers? (by his actions as well as his words?) Or does he step aside in order not to rock the boat or to avoid his mom’s tantrums?

I understand that you’ve helped him alot in his confidence but in the end you can’t be his ‘confidence’ for him. He has to man up if he hasn’t already. Really, he should be the one on this message board worrying about all of this and how to handle his mother in order not to put YOU through stress.

He needs to take the reigns in regards to his mother and be the one to suggest to you, “I think it’s best that I have this talk with her alone, and while I do it I will set ground rules for her to respect you completely as my fiance and future wife. If she can not accept or abide by these rules than she’s made her choice in regards to having a relationship with us.”

HE needs to do this because he cares about you.

Please don’t think I’m attacking your fiance, it’s just something most couples don’t realize should be the ‘norm’ when dealing with this sort of situation.

Let him know your wishes and make sure he is in charge of the invitation and seating of his family. In this planning proccess pay close attention to how willing he is to take this upon himself or allowing you to be the ‘buffer’ between him and his mom.

Because honey, if he allows you to be the ‘buffer’ now…then you’ll be the same buffer 5 years down the line when you have a toddler and your tearing your hair out because she undermines your parenting and does the same trash talking during any and all communication she has with your family.
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I very much agree with this post. I have a friend whose MIL was horrid to her and after two years of this happening in her marriage, and her DH not standing up to his mother for her, she left him and the marriage fell apart. Not saying that is going to happen to you, but this was the crux of their failed marriage. (they were also from a traditional Chinese family so cultural aspects were at stake here too - and they aren’t Catholic).

I wish you the best and let us know how things are going!
 
you both have degrees at 21? What in? just currious. I am sorry that your mother thinks that way. That has to be tough to combat with good morals. Just make sure that he will not bend like a momma’s boy to his mother… That he is the one who “tells her how it is” and then it really doesn’t matter what they think.
 
Hi,

He has a degree in History and I have one in English Language (we are from the UK so it is normal to finish your degree at 21 - dunno about the states?)

He is trying his best (sort of like a rock and a hard place) because his dad is very ill at the moment and he doesnt want to upset his mom anymore than neccesary but at the same time we want to be married and we want to get on with our lives.

There is a religious aspect in my mind - I am catholic he is protestant and his mothers side of the family are quite heavily into the Masons (all the males in his moms side were free masons and they still ‘look after’ his grandmother.

He wants to convert and is looking into this at the moment he has a problem with the churches view onstem cell research at the moment but on all other issues he is in agreement so it is just a case of investigating further at this point.

He isnt a mommas boy (never has been) there has always been friction - he hasnt lived at home in 4 years nor has he been financially dependant on them (he put himself (with my help) through uni).

He has always stuck up for me and that probaby hasnt eased the friction?
J
 
Lol, your post is very similar to my history.

Here’s what you do: sit back, let your future hubby take care of making it 100% clear to his mom that you are the one and that if she has a problem with it, she better figure out how to change her perspective.

I wouldn’t worry about the future MIL so much as how your future husband protects and cares for you. It says a lot that he has let this go on this long. The first time my MIL tried to call me names, DH cut her off and told her to be polite.

What is it with MILs? They just want to see how much their sons will let them get away with. :rolleyes: 🙂

P.s. if your perspective mate can’t do this on his own, make sure he becomes an ex fast!
 
Neither him nor I really have anything to do with his side of the family - as I have said I havent seen or spoke to her in about three years and she is lucky if she sees h2b once a month - we first started dating when we were 16 (im his first and only girlfriend) and there wasnt a great deal he could do at the time (he still lived at home he was going through college) since he has moved out 3/4 years ago now he has had less and less to do with her he has asked her several times what her problem is with me and she always refused to say calling me ‘spoiled’ or a ‘liar’ and everything she has accused me of lying about he has prooved to be truth (my name, my diabetes, my gynae problems, my adoption etc etc) shes just crazy to be frank.

HIs dad refuses to step in and sort it and the only thing that is happening is that she is loosing a son he cant be bothered with her ameteur dramatics or anything and just tells her to butt out she wont say my name or ask how I am when they speak and its just problematic. He has consistetly stood up for me.

I just feel that a wedding should be a family occasion and i will not be stopping his family from attending but i dont know how to deal with it because it is going to be one of the most important days in my life and I know what I want and i am lucky enough to be able to afford my ‘dream’ wedding without parental support i just dont want the day ruined by his mom and i feel that the announcement could maybe sort that a bit?? ooohh its so confusing !!! Its about here where eloping sounds fun (joke)
 
bunnynessuk said:
Neither him nor I really have anything to do with his side of the family - as I have said I havent seen or spoke to her in about three years and she is lucky if she sees h2b once a month - we first started dating when we were 16 (im his first and only girlfriend) and there wasnt a great deal he could do at the time (he still lived at home he was going through college) since he has moved out 3/4 years ago now he has had less and less to do with her he has asked her several times what her problem is with me and she always refused to say calling me ‘spoiled’ or a ‘liar’ and everything she has accused me of lying about he has prooved to be truth (my name, my diabetes, my gynae problems, my adoption etc etc) shes just crazy to be frank.

HIs dad refuses to step in and sort it and the only thing that is happening is that she is loosing a son he cant be bothered with her ameteur dramatics or anything and just tells her to butt out she wont say my name or ask how I am when they speak and its just problematic. He has consistetly stood up for me.

I just feel that a wedding should be a family occasion and i will not be stopping his family from attending but i dont know how to deal with it because it is going to be one of the most important days in my life and I know what I want and i am lucky enough to be able to afford my ‘dream’ wedding without parental support i just dont want the day ruined by his mom and i feel that the announcement could maybe sort that a bit?? ooohh its so confusing !!! Its about here where eloping sounds fun (joke)
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Trust me, I know what you’re saying. Just make sure your fiancee has a clear, strong stance when he announces to her. His approach will send a vibe telling her what he expects and what she can or can’t get away with.

If you want a dream wedding, then go for it. Don’t let her take that away from you.
 
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