Marriage annulled but now I am not sure if I want to marry again

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mellowcalico

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I’ve posted my story here before, but to make a long story not so long. When I married, my ex knew he was homosexual but I didn’t. After 13 years of a loveless (and stressful) marriage he left me, we divorced, and I sought annulment though the church. I do have a child from the marriage (only because I begged for us to have a child–for him, it was a chore to conceive a child and he didn’t make it easy). My ex is now happily and openly gay. It took about three years, but my marriage was found null by the Church. It was a great healing process that allowed me to see my mistakes and how it lead to a bad marriage and it lead me to forgive my ex and move on with my life.

So fast forward to recently. I’ve started dating. Or at least trying. I met one man who I thought was wonderful. But it didn’t work out (it was a long distance relationship and he didn’t like that). He is divorced (and ex military) and his ex-wife cheated on him during deployments. So he has trust issues with long distance. I was pretty hurt by that… not only because I developed strong feelings for him, but also he implied that I couldn’t be trusted. Now I am on a Catholic dating website. But I have had no luck there either–not even a single date. But maybe that’s all not a bad thing.

I am starting to feel like I really don’t want a husband in my life. I had one before and all it resulted in was stress and pain for me. I know that’s a myopic view, but it’s my only experience. I also wonder if I am pulling a “fox and the grapes” on myself.

I have no real stress or drama in my life. My life isn’t luxurious but I have every thing I need and I am very comfortable. I have freedom to do what I want without being bossed around and ordered around (my ex used to do this). For example, my family needs someone to watch my grandmother (with dementia) this weekend because of a funeral. I can pack up and spend the weekend with her and get no flak. I have control over my finances (ex used to run up tons of debt and spent our savings on “things”). I have control of my life (I can dress the way I want, have the haircut I want, even stay in my PJs on a rainy winter Saturday without being criticized). I can even eat meat again (ex was vegan). And most of all, I have a lovely daughter who I am raising to someday be a young woman.

My life is basically very good right now. I am very happy.

So aside from the occasional loneliness, I don’t feel like I am missing nothing in my life. Why do I want to rock the boat by trying to date, find someone, and maybe remarry?

At my age (early 40s) most men seem to be married or taken… and the ones who are single are often divorced and seem to be very emotionally damaged or bitter from the divorces (I think this was the issue with the man I was dating… he was in the military and his wife cheated on him during deployments. This left him unable to trust women he couldn’t “watch”) I’ve met (online) a handful of men my age on the Catholic site I mentioned… but it seems a lot of them have dreams of starting families (and while it’s still biologically possible with me and I’d love to have more children, let’s be realistic. My fertility at this point is pretty low). Even men in their 50s on the site are looking to start families. That leaves men in their 60s–who do seem to be interested in me… but we are at such different points in our lives (me with a school aged child and them entering retirement). Plus, I don’t want a “sugar daddy” and I don’t want to be “caretaker insurance” (if I end up care taking an elderly person later in life, it would be my own widowed mother who is also in that age range).

So here I am: free to marry–which I though would be what I wanted when I started the annulment process–but I don’t know that I ever want to again. I don’t even know if I really want to bother dating again.

Sometimes I think I could become a sister after my daughter leaves the nest (but I think I would be too old by then to start and I am not even sure that’s my calling). I think my calling is to raise my daughter. But after that… what?

I don’t know why I am posting this other than to get it out. And also to ask if anyone has any words of wisdom or is maybe in the same boat as me.
 
mellowcallico said:

“I think this was the issue with the man I was dating… he was in the military and his wife cheated on him during deployments. This left him unable to trust women he couldn’t “watch””

What a dreamboat!

That was a lucky, lucky escape for you.

You sound happy. Keep on being you and raising your daughter and be open to what comes your way.
 
Xantippe said:
mellowcallico said:

“I think this was the issue with the man I was dating… he was in the military and his wife cheated on him during deployments. This left him unable to trust women he couldn’t “watch””

What a dreamboat!

That was a lucky, lucky escape for you.

You sound happy. Keep on being you and raising your daughter and be open to what comes your way.
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To be fair, he didn’t say it that way (that is my way of putting it). But when he tried to explain why he can’t do long distance relationships, that’s basically what I got out of it. To boil it down, he was hurt badly and now has trust issues and is convinced if he’s not right there with the woman in his life, she’s just going to find someone else and leave him just like his wife did. We gave it a try and he couldn’t cope with it. He really is a good man and I hope someday he can work though that and see not all women are like his ex… but I think it really damaged him.

But yes, I am happy–like I said other than the occasional loneliness and thoughts of the future (when my daughter is out of the nest). My life dream was first to be a wife and then mother. I am no longer a wife. That’s gone. And when my daughter leaves, while I will still be a mother, but the role will be greatly diminished. I think my empty nest will feel even emptier alone.
 
You seem to be content in your current situation so give yourself permission to just enjoy this phase of your life. Your main focus really does need to be on your daughter and yourself. That is enough for this moment in time. Pray for guidance and be open to the fact that a wonderful man might come into your life in the future. Or not. Also prepare for that. Place your trust in God and don’t worry.
 
mellowcalico said:
To be fair, he didn’t say it that way (that is my way of putting it). But when he tried to explain why he can’t do long distance relationships, that’s basically what I got out of it. To boil it down, he was hurt badly and now has trust issues and is convinced if he’s not right there with the woman in his life, she’s just going to find someone else and leave him just like his wife did. We gave it a try and he couldn’t cope with it. He really is a good man and I hope someday he can work though that and see not all women are like his ex… but I think it really damaged him.
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Sounds to me like his trying to date is premature for him. Another relationship won’t make his trust issues vanish overnight. He should let himself heal first and then seek another relationship.
But yes, I am happy–like I said other than the occasional loneliness and thoughts of the future (when my daughter is out of the nest). My life dream was first to be a wife and then mother. I am no longer a wife. That’s gone. And when my daughter leaves, while I will still be a mother, but the role will be greatly diminished. I think my empty nest will feel even emptier alone.
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I agree. Get to know yourself and what you want. Take yourself out, be with friends, be good to yourself. If/when the right man comes along, you’ll be ready for him and another relationship. No relationship should be forced or shoehorned into one’s life. If it doesn’t seem right, it’s not right. Just enjoy your life and your daughter for now. It may be that God will call you to celibacy after your daughter leaves home. If that’s the case, he’ll let you know. There’s such a thing as persons living on their own consecrated to God alone. Generally virgins are called to this way of life, but those who have been married and are now on their own can do it too. It’s something to think and pray about, but if it’s for you, again, God will guide you into it. All the best to you and your daughter. 🙂
 
mellowcalico said:
I’ve posted my story here before, but to make a long story not so long. When I married, my ex knew he was homosexual but I didn’t. After 13 years of a loveless (and stressful) marriage he left me, we divorced, and I sought annulment though the church. I do have a child from the marriage (only because I begged for us to have a child–for him, it was a chore to conceive a child and he didn’t make it easy). My ex is now happily and openly gay. It took about three years, but my marriage was found null by the Church. It was a great healing process that allowed me to see my mistakes and how it lead to a bad marriage and it lead me to forgive my ex and move on with my life.

So fast forward to recently. I’ve started dating. Or at least trying. I met one man who I thought was wonderful. But it didn’t work out (it was a long distance relationship and he didn’t like that). He is divorced (and ex military) and his ex-wife cheated on him during deployments. So he has trust issues with long distance. I was pretty hurt by that… not only because I developed strong feelings for him, but also he implied that I couldn’t be trusted. Now I am on a Catholic dating website. But I have had no luck there either–not even a single date. But maybe that’s all not a bad thing.

I am starting to feel like I really don’t want a husband in my life. I had one before and all it resulted in was stress and pain for me. I know that’s a myopic view, but it’s my only experience. I also wonder if I am pulling a “fox and the grapes” on myself.

I have no real stress or drama in my life. My life isn’t luxurious but I have every thing I need and I am very comfortable. I have freedom to do what I want without being bossed around and ordered around (my ex used to do this). For example, my family needs someone to watch my grandmother (with dementia) this weekend because of a funeral. I can pack up and spend the weekend with her and get no flak. I have control over my finances (ex used to run up tons of debt and spent our savings on “things”). I have control of my life (I can dress the way I want, have the haircut I want, even stay in my PJs on a rainy winter Saturday without being criticized). I can even eat meat again (ex was vegan). And most of all, I have a lovely daughter who I am raising to someday be a young woman.

My life is basically very good right now. I am very happy.

So aside from the occasional loneliness, I don’t feel like I am missing nothing in my life. Why do I want to rock the boat by trying to date, find someone, and maybe remarry?

At my age (early 40s) most men seem to be married or taken… and the ones who are single are often divorced and seem to be very emotionally damaged or bitter from the divorces (I think this was the issue with the man I was dating… he was in the military and his wife cheated on him during deployments. This left him unable to trust women he couldn’t “watch”) I’ve met (online) a handful of men my age on the Catholic site I mentioned… but it seems a lot of them have dreams of starting families (and while it’s still biologically possible with me and I’d love to have more children, let’s be realistic. My fertility at this point is pretty low). Even men in their 50s on the site are looking to start families. That leaves men in their 60s–who do seem to be interested in me… but we are at such different points in our lives (me with a school aged child and them entering retirement). Plus, I don’t want a “sugar daddy” and I don’t want to be “caretaker insurance” (if I end up care taking an elderly person later in life, it would be my own widowed mother who is also in that age range).

So here I am: free to marry–which I though would be what I wanted when I started the annulment process–but I don’t know that I ever want to again. I don’t even know if I really want to bother dating again.

Sometimes I think I could become a sister after my daughter leaves the nest (but I think I would be too old by then to start and I am not even sure that’s my calling). I think my calling is to raise my daughter. But after that… what?

I don’t know why I am posting this other than to get it out. And also to ask if anyone has any words of wisdom or is maybe in the same boat as me.
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Why would you want to go through it again. Nothing wrong with being single and celebate. I have been single all my life and never regretted it. Gets a little lonely at times, but getting married to solve that problem seems a pretty poor excuse. I stopped dating at 30 years of age. Figured if I hadn’t found a partner by then, it wasn’t in the cards.

Linus2nd
 
mellowcalico said:
I’ve posted my story here before, but to make a long story not so long. When I married, my ex knew he was homosexual but I didn’t. After 13 years of a loveless (and stressful) marriage he left me, we divorced, and I sought annulment though the church. I do have a child from the marriage (only because I begged for us to have a child–for him, it was a chore to conceive a child and he didn’t make it easy). My ex is now happily and openly gay. It took about three years, but my marriage was found null by the Church. It was a great healing process that allowed me to see my mistakes and how it lead to a bad marriage and it lead me to forgive my ex and move on with my life.

So fast forward to recently. I’ve started dating. Or at least trying. I met one man who I thought was wonderful. But it didn’t work out (it was a long distance relationship and he didn’t like that). He is divorced (and ex military) and his ex-wife cheated on him during deployments. So he has trust issues with long distance. I was pretty hurt by that… not only because I developed strong feelings for him, but also he implied that I couldn’t be trusted. Now I am on a Catholic dating website. But I have had no luck there either–not even a single date. But maybe that’s all not a bad thing.

I am starting to feel like I really don’t want a husband in my life. I had one before and all it resulted in was stress and pain for me. I know that’s a myopic view, but it’s my only experience. I also wonder if I am pulling a “fox and the grapes” on myself.

I have no real stress or drama in my life. My life isn’t luxurious but I have every thing I need and I am very comfortable. I have freedom to do what I want without being bossed around and ordered around (my ex used to do this). For example, my family needs someone to watch my grandmother (with dementia) this weekend because of a funeral. I can pack up and spend the weekend with her and get no flak. I have control over my finances (ex used to run up tons of debt and spent our savings on “things”). I have control of my life (I can dress the way I want, have the haircut I want, even stay in my PJs on a rainy winter Saturday without being criticized). I can even eat meat again (ex was vegan). And most of all, I have a lovely daughter who I am raising to someday be a young woman.

My life is basically very good right now. I am very happy.

So aside from the occasional loneliness, I don’t feel like I am missing nothing in my life. Why do I want to rock the boat by trying to date, find someone, and maybe remarry?

At my age (early 40s) most men seem to be married or taken… and the ones who are single are often divorced and seem to be very emotionally damaged or bitter from the divorces (I think this was the issue with the man I was dating… he was in the military and his wife cheated on him during deployments. This left him unable to trust women he couldn’t “watch”) I’ve met (online) a handful of men my age on the Catholic site I mentioned… but it seems a lot of them have dreams of starting families (and while it’s still biologically possible with me and I’d love to have more children, let’s be realistic. My fertility at this point is pretty low). Even men in their 50s on the site are looking to start families. That leaves men in their 60s–who do seem to be interested in me… but we are at such different points in our lives (me with a school aged child and them entering retirement). Plus, I don’t want a “sugar daddy” and I don’t want to be “caretaker insurance” (if I end up care taking an elderly person later in life, it would be my own widowed mother who is also in that age range).

So here I am: free to marry–which I though would be what I wanted when I started the annulment process–but I don’t know that I ever want to again. I don’t even know if I really want to bother dating again.

Sometimes I think I could become a sister after my daughter leaves the nest (but I think I would be too old by then to start and I am not even sure that’s my calling). I think my calling is to raise my daughter. But after that… what?

I don’t know why I am posting this other than to get it out. And also to ask if anyone has any words of wisdom or is maybe in the same boat as me.
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I’m a similar situation. Single and feel comfortable with it. I got a divorce/annulment from my ex and feel no need to get married again (other than monetary and some loneliness, of course). The positives outweigh the negatives in the single life. I don’t see that you or I need to be remarried, unless it is His Will. Your daughter will feel less desperate to have a man for her “completion”, too.
 
I’m also in a similar situation. Marriage essentially ended in 2005, but closure was slow in coming, and I still haven’t started the annulment process. I still waver even on the annulment question because sometimes I just can’t see myself taking those vows again and so what’s the point?

But then there are times when I feel the Holy Spirit leading me to take that step, and move towards closure (and letting go of the bitterness that I still hold).

I will only get married again if it is something that the Lord has in store for me. I’m not going to go looking for a relationship. Been there, done that, decided that it was time to let ‘Jesus take the wheel.’

If you are happy now, then just let it be. I completely understand your questioning what’s next after your daughter is grown. I ask the same questions. I’ve had the vocation of wife taken away and all that is left is mother. When that’s done, what will be left for me? We just have to trust in Him - and pray.
 
What they said. If the current situation ain’t broke, no need to try to fix it. Enjoy your life 😉
 
Don’t fret…enjoy life…be happy. A happy woman attracts men. I remarried (I was a widow) at age 54…it’s never too late to find someone that is a wonderful match.
Be at peace, and enjoy your daughter!
(And for what it’s worth, many orders do not accept late vocations…the cost of caring for older members in a group setting is really hard on them. I had a dear friend who really wanted to become a sister after her husband died. She was a very kind and pious woman. She was turned down by everyone. Finally, she found an order, and she lives alone, in her same home, and reports back to the Motherhouse regularly. But it’s not exactly what she envisioned. She thought she would enjoy the company of other sisters. But, she felt called, and is happy.)
Peace to you!
pianist
 
If you do, you do. But at least now if you do, it won’t be because you fear or dread being single. That can be a strength, not a weakness. You know what they say about stuff that doesn’t kill you…
 
Thank you to all of you… you’ve been very comforting for me. You’ve all lifted my spirits and lightened my heart a little more. May God bless all of you 🙂
 
I am very happily married to a wonderful man, but if something were ever to happen and I lost him I would choose to never marry again. I don’t think you are feeling like single is better just because you had a rough marriage. It probably has some effect on your feelings, but I think it is more that you are content with your life. Your primary obligation now is to your daughter (or son) and you are doing a great job raising her. Her life is complicated enough with the situation with her father. It is probably best to not introduce more complications to her. I love being married, but it is a one time deal for me. I have kids that need my time with them, they don’t need me to date or whatever. Life would be complicated enough if dad never returned (either divorce or death), so they would need me even more. I find no fault in women or men who choose to remarry after an annulment or death of a spouse, it’s just I never would. Maybe hearing that there are those of us in different marriage situations that feel the same way may give you some peace in your decision. Nothing at all wrong with just being a mom.
 
Yeah, I can’t imagine remarrying either.

I remember seeing a long internet thread on this subject elsewhere, and lots of women of roughly our age (late 30ish/40ish) were not at all interested in remarrying should they be widowed.
 
Along with what 7armyrugrats wrote, I too have no desire to marry again if I should be widowed even though I married a very sweet man. I’d want to spend my life in prayer, perhaps be a consecrated widow, as God would will. I’m older than you gals at 65 but I felt the same at 45 as I do now. I’ve “done that” and feel that my life would be better spent serving God than seeking for another husband. And like 7armyrugrats has said, it’s fine for others, no matter their age, but that’s how I see it. 🙂
 
Oh dear, why WOULD you want to rock the boat? Leave it in the dear Lord’s hands. You are also free now to serve the Lord in a way you couldn’t when you were married, so perhaps you could pray about that.

My thinking has changed over the years. I used to think I needed to be married, to have a man to be with, etc. Now, at the age of 65 and even with being married for 45 years to a wonderful man, I doubt seriously if I would ever want to get married again.

So enjoy your freedom, and if God wants you to have a husband, he’ll find one for you, if not, relish being free and single.
 
mellowcalico said:
I’ve posted my story here before, but to make a long story not so long. When I married, my ex knew he was homosexual but I didn’t. After 13 years of a loveless (and stressful) marriage he left me, we divorced, and I sought annulment though the church. I do have a child from the marriage (only because I begged for us to have a child–for him, it was a chore to conceive a child and he didn’t make it easy). My ex is now happily and openly gay. It took about three years, but my marriage was found null by the Church. It was a great healing process that allowed me to see my mistakes and how it lead to a bad marriage and it lead me to forgive my ex and move on with my life.

So fast forward to recently. I’ve started dating. Or at least trying. I met one man who I thought was wonderful. But it didn’t work out (it was a long distance relationship and he didn’t like that). He is divorced (and ex military) and his ex-wife cheated on him during deployments. So he has trust issues with long distance. I was pretty hurt by that… not only because I developed strong feelings for him, but also he implied that I couldn’t be trusted. Now I am on a Catholic dating website. But I have had no luck there either–not even a single date. But maybe that’s all not a bad thing.

I am starting to feel like I really don’t want a husband in my life. I had one before and all it resulted in was stress and pain for me. I know that’s a myopic view, but it’s my only experience. I also wonder if I am pulling a “fox and the grapes” on myself.

I have no real stress or drama in my life. My life isn’t luxurious but I have every thing I need and I am very comfortable. I have freedom to do what I want without being bossed around and ordered around (my ex used to do this). For example, my family needs someone to watch my grandmother (with dementia) this weekend because of a funeral. I can pack up and spend the weekend with her and get no flak. I have control over my finances (ex used to run up tons of debt and spent our savings on “things”). I have control of my life (I can dress the way I want, have the haircut I want, even stay in my PJs on a rainy winter Saturday without being criticized). I can even eat meat again (ex was vegan). And most of all, I have a lovely daughter who I am raising to someday be a young woman.

My life is basically very good right now. I am very happy.

So aside from the occasional loneliness, I don’t feel like I am missing nothing in my life. Why do I want to rock the boat by trying to date, find someone, and maybe remarry?

At my age (early 40s) most men seem to be married or taken… and the ones who are single are often divorced and seem to be very emotionally damaged or bitter from the divorces (I think this was the issue with the man I was dating… he was in the military and his wife cheated on him during deployments. This left him unable to trust women he couldn’t “watch”) I’ve met (online) a handful of men my age on the Catholic site I mentioned… but it seems a lot of them have dreams of starting families (and while it’s still biologically possible with me and I’d love to have more children, let’s be realistic. My fertility at this point is pretty low). Even men in their 50s on the site are looking to start families. That leaves men in their 60s–who do seem to be interested in me… but we are at such different points in our lives (me with a school aged child and them entering retirement). Plus, I don’t want a “sugar daddy” and I don’t want to be “caretaker insurance” (if I end up care taking an elderly person later in life, it would be my own widowed mother who is also in that age range).

So here I am: free to marry–which I though would be what I wanted when I started the annulment process–but I don’t know that I ever want to again. I don’t even know if I really want to bother dating again.

Sometimes I think I could become a sister after my daughter leaves the nest (but I think I would be too old by then to start and I am not even sure that’s my calling). I think my calling is to raise my daughter. But after that… what?

I don’t know why I am posting this other than to get it out. And also to ask if anyone has any words of wisdom or is maybe in the same boat as me.
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Well if you feel like you are comfortable in your current situation maybe you could just casually date some older gentlemen just make it clear it’s dating not sexual or a sugar daddy relationship who knows they might be your intellectual match or might be wonderful friends in the least.

And just because a man wants a family doesn’t mean he would be anger or bitter over not being able to have one, your fertility is still viable “my husbands grandmother had two healthy kids after age 48” so it’s possible.

But if you feel just done with men and dating then enjoy your freedom and raising your daughter you could get involved more with church organizations if you feel bored, or volunteer somewhere.
 
Mellowcalico,

I was listening to an archived episode of CA Radio, and the commentary at the beginning of the episode (~1st 6 minutes) reminded me of your thread.

Married Saints
 
mellowcalico said:
When I married, my ex knew he was homosexual but I didn’t. After 13 years of a loveless (and stressful) marriage he left me, we divorced, and I sought annulment though the church. I do have a child from the marriage (only because I begged for us to have a child–for him, it was a chore to conceive a child and he didn’t make it easy). My ex is now happily and openly gay. It took about three years, but my marriage was found null by the Church. It was a great healing process that allowed me to see my mistakes and how it lead to a bad marriage and it lead me to forgive my ex and move on with my life.
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I can understand the pull from two sources… the desire to experience another marriage and the desire to have God the only man in your life. When you’ve not experienced yourself as a loved and cherished wife/woman in marriage, you are left diminished by a role that was meant to be a rich, happy vocation.

If I was in your position I think I wouldn’t pursue another relationship, but be open to one if God wills. In the meantime, pursue a deeper relationship with God. If you are someone who enjoys sitting quietly contemplating, you could do the Spiritual Exercises of St Ignatius. It involves a 32 or so week commitment to an hour contemplation on the Gospels for around 5 days of the week and seeing a spiritual director once a week for an hour. It’s a great thing to do in the place your are in now such a crossroad in life.

God bless.
 
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