Marriage, annulment, and remarriage

[BensCAA]

I was baptized/raised Church of Christ, became an atheist in my teen years. I got married to a woman who was baptized/raised/confirmed Catholic, but was also an atheist at the time.

I was young, dumb, and naive. I thought she might change her mind about kids. She didn’t. There were other problems, like her not liking that I started showing interest in religion again, but that was the big one. The marriage was also not done in a Catholic Church, by a priest, nor did it have any religious elements at all.

I’ve been told that this would be a straightforward annulment, and that remarriage is possible, but is it normal for me to feel…dirty? Like no good Catholic woman, especially a traditional Catholic woman/family, will want to be with me (even after I fully convert), that I’ll be looked down upon by everyone, and that any future marriage will be overshadowed by the first failure and won’t be as enjoyable?

Any advice or reassurance?

 

[Inquiry]

An annulment isn’t a recognition that your first marriage failed, it is a recognition that your first marriage never existed. Don’t think of it like a divorce and don’t treat it as such.

Also, unless you are already at the point with someone else that you feel called to marriage with them, put future concerns like that out of your mind. Focus on doing the right thing, not on what hypothetical future people might think. You will never be called to marriage with a hypothetical future person, any call to marriage will be with a real woman who has her own unique perspectives and personality.

 

[1ke]

I’ve been told that this would be a straightforward annulment, and that remarriage is possible,

If your ex was a Catholic who married outside the Church form without dispensation, it is not even an annulment. It is a declaration of freedom to marry (in the US the tribunal office reviews this paperwork). This is predicated on your ability to obtain her sacramental records plus your civil marriage/divorce records.

It is a straightforward process and doesn’t take much time.

If you can not obtain the needed documentation then you would have to go another route. But most people are able to obtain what they need.

but is it normal for me to feel…dirty? Like no good Catholic woman, especially a traditional Catholic woman/family, will want to be with me

No.

That is something you will have to work through with counsel from your pastor.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

I’ve been told that this would be a straightforward annulment, and that remarriage is possible, but is it normal for me to feel…dirty? Like no good Catholic woman, especially a traditional Catholic woman/family, will want to be with me (even after I fully convert), that I’ll be looked down upon by everyone, and that any future marriage will be overshadowed by the first failure and won’t be as enjoyable?

Any advice or reassurance?

You are not “dirty” and you are no less worthy of marriage to a fine, traditional Catholic woman. You married according to what seemed right to you at the time. Just be glad that you are free to marry in the Catholic Church. In your case, it sounds like a matter of simple paperwork, not even really an annulment. Not everyone is that fortunate.

I cannot say that there would never be a woman who says to herself “I am perfect, and I will settle for nothing less than perfection in the man I marry, no past regrets, no mistakes, no skeletons in the closet, no bad decisions”. A woman who thinks like that may very well reach the final days of her life… and find herself single, no children to love her, nobody to care for her, for no other reason that she was too picky, had too high an opinion of herself, and that she “never settled”. You don’t need a woman like that. Thankfully they are a small minority, and you will have far more than these to choose from.

Men who think like this may exist too, but it’s uncommon. One of the ways “incels” make their own trouble is in wanting only the most desirable women, and failing to consider those who, quite frankly, have the same kinds of limitations (appearance, social graces, material success, etc.) as they do.

 

[Retsel]

that I’ll be looked down upon by everyone, and that any future marriage will be overshadowed by the first failure and won’t be as enjoyable?

Real Catholics/Christians look down on no one and confession with daily intent on being a good Catholic make you brand NEW.

Marriage is a vocation you are called to, if valid, nothing will separate you, or even matter.

 

[BensCAA]

If your ex was a Catholic who married outside the Church form without dispensation, it is not even an annulment.

Even if she hadn’t practiced for over 10 years? Just since she was a baptized/confirmed member?

 

[Convert3]

but is it normal for me to feel…dirty? Like no good Catholic woman, especially a traditional Catholic woman/family, will want to be with me

We are all sinners striving to be in heaven with our Lord. No one here or in any Catholic Church should judge you for your sins. Only God can judge, and He forgives if you confess your sins. My past wasn’t so great, but the weight of sin has been lifted. God Bless!

 

[His_helpmeet]

Yes. Baptism places an indelible mark on the soul. She is permanently bound to canon law. How she feels about that doesn’t enter the equation.

 

[1ke]

Even if she hadn’t practiced for over 10 years? Just since she was a baptized/confirmed member?

Yes.

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[HomeschoolDad]

Yes. Baptism places an indelible mark on the soul. She is permanently bound to canon law. How she feels about that doesn’t enter the equation.

Actually, this is very providential. Let’s say someone falls away from the Faith and marries outside the Church. Somewhere down the road, they want to come back to the Church. If they are happy in their marriage, they can simply get it convalidated, or obtain a sanatio in radice. If they are not happy — if it was a bad marriage, if it was a mistake — they can divorce and remarry, preferably a Catholic, but even their second marriage could be to a non-Catholic, as long as it were contracted with the Church’s permission and pursuant to her laws. There is no “down side” to this either way.

 

[CRV]

et’s say someone falls away from the Faith and marries outside the Church. Somewhere down the road, they want to come back to the Church. If they are happy in their marriage, they can simply get it convalidated, or obtain a sanatio in radice .

I have several close relatives this would apply too.

If they are not happy — if it was a bad marriage, if it was a mistake

but were married in the Church, yet civilly divorced, and remains ‘single and chaste’ out of love for God and the Churches teachings.

 

[phil19034]

1. Yes, based on what you have stated here, this would be an “easy” one. There wouldn’t really be an annulment because there was no marriage due to “lack of form.”
2. While it MIGHT be a little normal to feel dirty, because after all we are supposed to marry for life; you should NOT feel like this will hurt you in the future.

Might SOME women avoid you because you are divorced, yes. However, it won’t really be because they are traditional Catholics. A good Catholic woman is going to make a decision based on who are now, not who you were.

Honestly, today, most traditional Catholics understand that converts and reverts (you would be a revert) are some of the strongest Catholics out there.

Be at ease. God bless

 

[HomeschoolDad]

If they are not happy — if it was a bad marriage, if it was a mistake

I’m not quite following you here. I was referring to someone who married outside the Church, wished to get out of the marriage, and would be able to get a defect of form declaration and be free to remarry someone else in the Church.

If they were married in the Church, divorced, and either had no annulment, or could not get one, then they would have no choice but to live as you describe. That is how I myself live right now, in that I do not have an annulment.

 

[1ke]

would be able to get a defect of form declaration

Small correction.

Defect of form and so-called “lack of form” are two different things.

The OP’s situation describes a “lack” of proper form, not a defect of form. A defect of form would mean that the marriage took place in Catholic form but had a defect rendering it invalid. A great example of this is a priest who lacks delegation of faculties receiving the vows.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

would be able to get a defect of form declaration

I thought the two terms were used interchangeably. I see what you mean. “Lack of form” describes the situation I was talking about.

 

[1ke]

I thought the two terms were used interchangeably.

People might do so (including past me wbo didn’t know these were not the same thing until corrected on CAF by a canon lawyer who took time to explain it), but it isn’t correct to do so.

These are two distinct things.

 

[CRV]

Apologies for not making matters clearer.

Your second paragraph is what I meant - ie they were married in Church (therefore canonical form isn’t lacking), divorced civilly (Church does not recognize divorce as we know), and therefore as a consequence of being divorced are separated from bed and board , so without an annulment then they (as you do) remain on their own and remain chaste, until either they do obtain an annulment or the spouse dies.

 

[TomH1]

I’ve been told that this would be a straightforward annulment

You almost certainly won’t need to go through the entire annulment process. If your first wife was a Catholic she was bound by canonical form and it would seem from what you’ve told us that this didn’t happen. Therefore, the marriage can be declared not to have happened due to lack of canonical form. That is a relatively straightforward administrative process. Usually, you just need to contact your priest and he can set the ball rolling.

and that remarriage is possible

If, as it seems, this is a lack of canonical form, your first marriage will be declared not to have happened. Therefore, you will be free to marry.

but is it normal for me to feel…dirty?

That’s not easy to answer. For a start, we can’t really know what you mean by saying you feel dirty. Relationships, sadly, fail for all manner of reasons. What is really important is to learn from mistakes. If this is something that is really troubling you and which you can’t get past you may need to seek help. Again the help you require may depend on what you truly feel. It could be spiritual direction from a priest or it may be some kind of therapy from a mental health professional. It isn’t something that can be resolved on an Internet forum. You need to speak to someone.

 

[His_helpmeet]

I’m married to a man who went through the nullity process for his first marriage. (Neither party was Catholic when they married, and he was not even baptized. He became Catholic during his marriage. The declaration of nullity was granted and we are sacramentally married.)

It didn’t bother me that Hubby had been married before. I have a beautiful 15-year-old stepdaughter out of the deal, and she lives with us full-time now. She was 5 when we met, 6 when we married. She calls me “Mom” - her choice.

I had never been married and was a virgin when we married. We have never had issues. Hubby said he could hardly believe that God would deem him worthy of having a virgin bride. We truly believe that it was God’s will that we should marry, and that I was created and custom designed to be his wife (he is three years older than me).

If it’s God’s will that you marry, and your perspective bride is open to the Will of God, then you may be fortunate to find someone who God intends for you.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

1. While it MIGHT be a little normal to feel dirty, because after all we are supposed to marry for life; you should NOT feel like this will hurt you in the future.

Might SOME women avoid you because you are divorced, yes. However, it won’t really be because they are traditional Catholics. A good Catholic woman is going to make a decision based on who are now, not who you were.

but is it normal for me to feel…dirty?

Feeling “dirty”, as you put it, for having a failed first marriage, would not be understood in today’s society. Our society, and our culture, are so broken, so damaged, that first marriages that endure are actually almost the exception, rather than the norm. Nobody gives it a second thought. And there is actually a silver lining in all this — people can learn from their mistakes the first time around, and their second marriages may actually be stronger and healthier because of it. None of this gets around issues of sacramental validity with first marriages, even when their temporal aspect “dies” and marriages come apart, but you are not in that situation — your first marriage is invalid, so you’re “home free” as far as getting a second chance is concerned. As I said above, not everyone is that fortunate.

It is not fair to yourself, to say (and this is what I think I’m hearing) “I failed at my first marriage, and ‘second time around’ isn’t good enough”. It is nice when couples can be in their first marriage, and have everything to fall into place, but it is increasingly uncommon nowadays. As I have alluded to elsewhere, and I think the Holy Father has as well, there are many people in our society who lack the psychological and spiritual makeup to contract a valid marriage, and there should be no problem in finding their marriages invalid, null, and void. Our society doesn’t foster values such as permanence, perseverance in spite of difficulty, deferral of gratification, mutual self-sacrifice, and so on. Spouses who “check out” of their marriages when someone wealthier, more powerful, more attractive, more enjoyable, more “fun to be with”, more self-confident, more sexually enticing, more able to assist in one’s own self-actualization, or what have you, comes along, are so common as to be unremarkable. I’ve seen it happen time and again.