Marriage/Annulment/etc

[aggie1344]

My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years now. My wife has been having issues with severe migraines ever since becoming pregnant with our daughter (who is 25 months old now, so about 3 years). She has been on a couple of narcotics since then (about 3 years). She has been basically laying in bed for most of this time. She was never classified as being addicted and hates to hear those words but she went to a migraine rehab right before Christmas 2007 to get off the narcotics. This lasted about a month before her doctor put her back on them, saying it was the only solution for the headaches. So, another year of this until she decides to go into a real rehab around Thanksgiving 2008 (this year). After two weeks, she gets out and the daily headaches are gone. She gets the migraines every now and then, though, but she is not taking any narcotics (as far as I know). This whole time, though, she is still always tired and does not want to do anything but lay in bed and watch tv most of the time. Every now and then, she gets up and does a couple things around the house. She also takes our daughter to and from daycare (which we can’t really afford).
We have been having some major fights lately because my parents and siblings are tired of dealing with my wife. They don’t think she is ever going to be a good wife/mother because she does not really try that hard (or seem to). Most of the work generally falls on me. I donated a kidney to my younger brother about 6 months ago so they are concerned with my health for one and also that my daughter is not getting the proper care that she needs.
We didn’t go to Thanksgiving because a string of emails between my wife and my siblings started a small civil war in the family. We decided to go to Christmas for the day because we wanted our daughter to spend it with the other kids. It was not a good time. My wife and siblings basically ignored each other the whole time. My wife and I got into a major fight due to this on the way home (nice 3 hour drive).
So, I have been talking to a priest about this and the only thing he keeps telling me is basically that the Lord does not promise an easy life, so deal with it the best you can (in a roundabout way).
Divorce/Annulment have come up in fights with my wife. I know we are not supposed to do this. At what point is it too much though? My “former” family (parents/siblings) can’t stand to be around my wife anymore. My wife thinks that I’m a slave-driver if I ask her to get out of bed and help around the house more. I am working night and day and barely keeping us from going bankrupt. I don’t want to give up on our relationship but I am starting to think that the best thing for my daughter would be a separation. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Tantum_ergo]

Rough times for you and all your family, for sure and you’re in our prayers --but an annulment deals not with things that ‘go wrong’ in a marriage, but on the capacity of the husband and wife to be able to give full, free consent at the time of the marriage.

If your wife was not suffering with the migraines before your marriage, or at the time you entered the marriage, her subsequent illness, narcotic dependency/addiction, etc. are not grounds for an annulment.

I would recommend to you keeping up with your prayers and spiritual life as you have been, and entering a Catholic ‘couples counseling’ with a reputable therapist. Right now, your wife is suffering too --and the two of you need to be there, united, for each other. I know it’s hard and she certainly needs to be aware of your ‘side’ and your difficulties, as you are of hers. . .but as she is just as likely to be seeing herself as the ‘bad guy’ and berating herself for not being ‘strong enough’, she’s fighting a harder battle than you (you’re the ‘good guy’ to virtually everybody, including her).

Think of it this way. If she had diabetes and needed insulin, would you berate her for not being ‘strong enough’ to handle the diabetes without insulin?

If she were to be going blind or deaf, would you castigate her and tell her she could see or hear if she just ‘tried hard enough’?

Well, this is the message she is getting from your family, at any rate–that she is lazy and selfish, not really ‘sick’, not deserving, and could be ‘perfectly fine’ if she just TRIED HARD ENOUGH. Probably she herself has moments where she believes this herself and gets even more upset, blames herself more, and gets even more convinced of how ‘rotten’ she is. The constant negative atmosphere on top of her real–and it is real–physical illness, plus the demands on her as wife, mother, etc.–are making it even harder for her in her periods where she is actually feeling physically stronger.

Hope you can find the help you need to keep your family together.

 

[dhgray]

I, (Name), take you, (Name), to be my (husband/wife/spouse) to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.

Genesis 2:24:

man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

“And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

 

[rpp]

First, these are some difficult problems and, of course, you should be wary of advice you may get on an anonymous internet forum.

Staying in bed and having little energy are sometimes symptoms of depression. Clearly this is a complicated and difficult issue. Experiencing chronic pain is certainly a trigger for depression.

The best suggestion that I have is to get to a another doctor’s medical opinion on your wife’s migraines to ensure there is not some treatable underlying condition. While you are doing that, have her get a mental health evaluation. Finally, be prepared for marriage counseling.

My prayers are with you and your wife in this difficult time.

May God grant both you and your wife the grace of His peace.

 

[joandarc2008]

Maybe you should contact an NA/AA group in your area. Some of the meetings are open to those without problems and it may be helkpful for you to go and learn about addiction as well. It would help her to have someone who KNOWS what she is going through b/c they have been through it. It is also a spirtuality based program based on Catholic principles.

God bless,

 

[dianaballein]

My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years now. My wife has been having issues with severe migraines ever since becoming pregnant with our daughter (who is 25 months old now, so about 3 years). She has been on a couple of narcotics since then (about 3 years). She has been basically laying in bed for most of this time. She was never classified as being addicted and hates to hear those words but she went to a migraine rehab right before Christmas 2007 to get off the narcotics. This lasted about a month before her doctor put her back on them, saying it was the only solution for the headaches. So, another year of this until she decides to go into a real rehab around Thanksgiving 2008 (this year). After two weeks, she gets out and the daily headaches are gone. She gets the migraines every now and then, though, but she is not taking any narcotics (as far as I know). This whole time, though, she is still always tired and does not want to do anything but lay in bed and watch tv most of the time. Every now and then, she gets up and does a couple things around the house. She also takes our daughter to and from daycare (which we can’t really afford).
We have been having some major fights lately because my parents and siblings are tired of dealing with my wife. They don’t think she is ever going to be a good wife/mother because she does not really try that hard (or seem to). Most of the work generally falls on me. I donated a kidney to my younger brother about 6 months ago so they are concerned with my health for one and also that my daughter is not getting the proper care that she needs.
We didn’t go to Thanksgiving because a string of emails between my wife and my siblings started a small civil war in the family. We decided to go to Christmas for the day because we wanted our daughter to spend it with the other kids. It was not a good time. My wife and siblings basically ignored each other the whole time. My wife and I got into a major fight due to this on the way home (nice 3 hour drive).
So, I have been talking to a priest about this and the only thing he keeps telling me is basically that the Lord does not promise an easy life, so deal with it the best you can (in a roundabout way).
Divorce/Annulment have come up in fights with my wife. I know we are not supposed to do this. At what point is it too much though? My “former” family (parents/siblings) can’t stand to be around my wife anymore. My wife thinks that I’m a slave-driver if I ask her to get out of bed and help around the house more. I am working night and day and barely keeping us from going bankrupt. I don’t want to give up on our relationship but I am starting to think that the best thing for my daughter would be a separation. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

This is definitely a two way street here, and even though your wife is suffering with these circumstances, you and your daughter are also affected by it. I think you have a valid concern if your wife is unable to function enough to properly mother your daughter, especially if you have to work so much to support all of you. You cannot be there 24/7 and your daughter needs proper care.

The Lord does not promise us an easy life. I agree with the Priest. However, I don’t think our merciful God expects us to lie down and let life run us over. The Lord helps those who help themselves…correct? Continue to pray, and continue to seek help and treatment for your wife. If she refuses to get help, then she is refusing her uphold her part of the marital debt to you. There are always two sides, my friend. I will pray for the success of your marriage, and hope that you will be blessed with a good solution that can keep your family together.

 

[KCtheMommy]

First, these are some difficult problems and, of course, you should be wary of advice you may get on an anonymous internet forum.

Staying in bed and having little energy are sometimes symptoms of depression. Clearly this is a complicated and difficult issue. Experiencing chronic pain is certainly a trigger for depression.

The best suggestion that I have is to get to a another doctor’s medical opinion on your wife’s migraines to ensure there is not some treatable underlying condition. While you are doing that, have her get a mental health evaluation. Finally, be prepared for marriage counseling.

My prayers are with you and your wife in this difficult time.

May God grant both you and your wife the grace of His peace.

I was going to suggest the same thing. As a chronic pain sufferer who also is no longer taking narcotic pain medications (but I didn’t go to rehab, wow this sounds like she has been through a LOT) I have learned a great deal about how pain affects the chemicals of the brain. A drain of serantonin is completely normal with pain, and effects moods and causes depression. PLEASE take your wife to a doctor for the best course of action in dealing with this. Serantonin inhibitors are created just for this issue, please take her in.

 

[dhgray]

I am starting to think that the best thing for my daughter would be a separation.

you would be teaching your duaghter a great lesson …

[SIGN]WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH QUIT.[/SIGN]

 

[dianaballein]

you would be teaching your duaghter a great lesson …

[SIGN]WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH QUIT.[/SIGN]

I had to separate from my first spouse, and divorce, and annul. Both of my children are grown now, and say it was the best thing, really, at least for our situation. I did not want to raise my son to think that is how to treat women, or his wife…and I did not want to raise my daughter to think women should stay and be abused, verbally or physically. They saw a Mom who loved them enough to remove them from a harmful home, who was healthy enough to make that difficult decision and who is now remarried and happy and converting to Catholicism.

Now don’t get me wrong…I am not advocating this for everyone. I just want the OP to know that there are times when this IS the best answer and with the help of my Priest, I am blessed and forgiven and on the road to eternal happiness and life in heaven…and so are my children.

 

[3kidsandadog]

Is your wife by any chance suffering from post partum depression on top of the headachs??? This goes unnoticed and untreated in many instances…
This may be adding to her all day in bed routine. Have her see a psycologist.

 

[puzzleannie]

just curious why, since your wife is laboring under the effects of what seems to be an undiagnosed, or incompletely diagnosed severe medical condition, which by your description has severe physical and psychological effects, the topic of the discussion is annulment (preceded I assume by divorce) with grounds being she does not get up and clean house. Would not dealing with this urgent medical problem be the priority here?

 

[joandarc2008]

I am with PuzzleAnnie on this one. Without an actual diagnosis and treatment plan that she can make a choice to comply or not ocmply with you really can’t even look at anullment/divorce. Stop listening to your family. If it were for my dh’s family we never would have married and he never would have moved out of his mother’s house. Just keep advocating any healthy choices she does make and remember she too is probably learning to live differently without the pain killers.

God bless,

 

[BamaRider]

I lean to the side of seperation. Understand that doesn’t mean annulment or divorce. It will buy some space and time, and you don’t have to sit around looking at her in the bed all day.

Isolated from the problem, you can focus on your little girl, and if YOUR family is stable and loving, she can be surrounded by those that love her and want her to have a good home.

From what you say, she only has a mother in name. I mean what kind of mother puts her daughter in child care so she can sleep all day??

Once my daughter was in a stable, loving home, with no swirling controversey, I’d turn my attention to my wife to see if she can be helped.

But that’s just what I’d do.

 

[IrishAm]

From what you say, she only has a mother in name. I mean what kind of mother puts her daughter in child care so she can sleep all day??

From the OP’s description, a very, very, sick mother. If she was known to have cancer rather than this seemingly undiagnosed set of symptoms, how would we respond? :hug1:

 

[dulcissima]

I am divorced. Let me tell you, it is no easy thing, and it is very, very hard on children. I think you are really getting ahead of yourself and viewing divorce as some sort of magic panacea. What will happen if you divorce? Will you work and take care of your daughter full time by yourself? Will you let your wife have custody? How would she be able to handle the enormous task of being a single parent?

My situation was one that was impossible to work with. Yours sounds like you still have many untried avenues. It also sounds like your family is adding to your burden rather than being a source of support and encouragement. Have you always been someone who they have pushed around?

I agree with the others here who suggest that your wife needs to talk to other doctors and find a medical solution to her medical problem and deal with the depression through therapy and under the supervision of her doctor.

As husband and father, you are head of the household and you need to stand up for what is best for your family. Is this something that your wife is willing to work on to make some progress?

 

[Sarabande]

I was going to suggest the same thing. As a chronic pain sufferer who also is no longer taking narcotic pain medications (but I didn’t go to rehab, wow this sounds like she has been through a LOT) I have learned a great deal about how pain affects the chemicals of the brain. A drain of serantonin is completely normal with pain, and effects moods and causes depression. PLEASE take your wife to a doctor for the best course of action in dealing with this. Serantonin inhibitors are created just for this issue, please take her in.

I second this. With all the drugs she has had to put in her body, it could potentially do some chemical changes in her brain. As others have said, she might actually be going through depression and not even know it herself. What you described about your wife put up many red flags to me that she might be suffering from depression and/or from major physical problems. Please try to help her and find a good doctor for her. Get a very good therapist as well for her if she is willing to go. It could be very helpful for her. And if she gets mentally better, it will be very helpful for you and your daughter. I understand importance of the family, but your wife and daughter do come first.

Keep praying. God bless.

 

[basilisk]

From the OP’s description, a very, very, sick mother. If she was known to have cancer rather than this seemingly undiagnosed set of symptoms, how would we respond? :hug1:

People cannot make the choice to either have cancer or not have cancer. People can make the choice whether to take drugs or not! I am sick of addiction being called a disease. If you can choose to stop having it, it is not a disease!

I agree with Bama. That is an answer that is both commonsensical and compassionate. It gives the daughter safety and stability, removes an unsafe influence, and still reaches back to the person in trouble to offer help.

dhgray, people like you keep even the unhealthiest marriages together. Even THE CHURCH agrees that in some cases, separate living and even civil divorce are necessary to preserve safety, dignity, and human rights. If the most anti-divorce church in the world says that, then there must be some good reasons!

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

As long as you are asking for advice on an online forum, and you did ask-

1.) Tell your family thank you for their concern, but you need to sort this out ALONE, and you will let them know when you have a decision.
2.) Get a second opinion from a completely different doctor in a completely different medical group. GO IN WITH HER. Voice your concerns. Tell the doctor what’s going on. Don’t just send your wife, but GO IN WITH HER. Don’t tell me it can’t be done. Argue with your insurance carrier, yell and scream, stomp your feet, but get another doctor…
3.) For now, let your child continue to go to daycare. It is good for her to have stability.
4.) For now, you help around the house, even if you are the only one washing the dishes and making meals… It’s your house, too, and your child as well as hers. Document the days she doesn’t get out of bed. Document the assistance you’re giving her.

Depression is a real medical problem. Just because it makes a person appear lazy does NOT make it so. I can tell you also that migranes are very real, and very, very painful, even dibilitating in nature. I watched my mother suffer with them.

You might be headed for a separation, you might not be. Today is not that day. Having been through a divorce and decree of nullity, I can join others in telling you that you are not even close to the point yet. You have much more to do before you can say, “I’ve done all I can.”

 

[JustAnotherThou]

People cannot make the choice to either have cancer or not have cancer. People can make the choice whether to take drugs or not! I am sick of addiction being called a disease. If you can choose to stop having it, it is not a disease!

Have you suffered from SEVERE MIGRAINES??? My mom did for many years, and it eventually killed her. I could, but won’t go into how it caused her death; it wasn’t the medications that she had to take to control them though.

I am NOT a fan of narcotics either, although I have had a mild migraine and trust me I was thankful for a shot of Demerol (sp?). I didn’t function for a week after 1 migraine.

To the OP, I agree with the others, go to the Dr with her. Also find a Dr that will check her hormones!! That helped my mom a bit.

#1 rule in DH & I marriage: Family is NOT involved in ANY of our problems. Nor do they have any say in our marriage. Nor will either of us tolerate them or anyone else talking bad to or about our spouse!!!

 

[basilisk]

Have you suffered from SEVERE MIGRAINES??? My mom did for many years, and it eventually killed her. I could, but won’t go into how it caused her death; it wasn’t the medications that she had to take to control them though.

Actually, yes, I get migraines several times a year. Having a chronic, painful condition does not REQUIRE one to become a drug addict. KCtheMommy has said that much on this thread.

I agree there may be depression here, too. But that doesn’t require one to become a drug addict either.

There is a choice. People who become addicts make the wrong one. Sure, it’s influenced by other factors, but so is every choice.

I still agree with Bama.