Marriage Bed Question

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needleskane

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I have come quite a long way since first posting on these forums, so I thank you all for the prayers.

My wife is pregnant 😃 and we are getting our marriage convalidated on December 1st.

Here is my situation (graphic):

During intercourse, I could not finish vaginally and thus we moved on to other activities… I planned to reinsert at the time of climax but, alas, that did not end up happening. I realize this is a gray area of consent of the will, and honestly I technically should not be copulating anyway until after December 1st, so this question applies more for the future. What do other married couples do in this situation? Keep trying or just call it quits with no climax? Is that not then just a period of mutual masturbation with no end? Why must this be a mortal sin?

I feel the proper action would for me to have just called it quits and begin the post-coital embrace prematurely.

FYI, my wife is very supportive (accepted no contraception, my path back to the church and convalidation) but would find this question borderline ridiculous.

Thanks everyone!
 
How wonderful that you are returning to the Church! What joy and grace await you upon your convalidation! Congratulations on your wife’s pregnancy!

With regards to your intimate question, if you are struggling to complete the act on an occasion, and move onto the afterplay, or go back to foreplay, with hopes that you may resume coitus, and then unexpectedly reach climax, there is no sin. This is merely an accident. Anytime a climax occurs unexpectedly outside the act of coitus, if the intent was to engage in coitus, it is an accident and not a sin. One would not want to purposefully cause male climax outside of coitus, of course, as that is a sin. However, for your wife, female climax may occur at any time during the entire marital act: foreplay, coitus, and afterplay. I hope that I understood your question. God bless!
 
needleskane said:
I have come quite a long way since first posting on these forums, so I thank you all for the prayers.

My wife is pregnant 😃 and we are getting our marriage convalidated on December 1st.

Here is my situation (graphic):

During intercourse, I could not finish vaginally and thus we moved on to other activities… I planned to reinsert at the time of climax but, alas, that did not end up happening. I realize this is a gray area of consent of the will, and honestly I technically should not be copulating anyway until after December 1st, so this question applies more for the future. What do other married couples do in this situation? Keep trying or just call it quits with no climax? Is that not then just a period of mutual masturbation with no end? Why must this be a mortal sin?

I feel the proper action would for me to have just called it quits and begin the post-coital embrace prematurely.

FYI, my wife is very supportive (accepted no contraception, my path back to the church and convalidation) but would find this question borderline ridiculous.

Thanks everyone!
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As another poster already said, it depends on the intention. You really can’t “accidentally” commit mortal sin in intercourse. Now, if you had some pre-determined motive to masturbate, then the conversation gets more interesting.

Also, I don’t think posters should be afraid to talk about this on here. These are the kinds of questions that Christopher West addresses in Theology of the Body to some extent and frankly married couples need to realize that marriage does not = a sexual free-for-all.
 
If you did it on purpose in order to avoid pregnancy, then it’s a sin. If it happened unintentionally in the course of the evenings events, then you didn’t intend to do it and so it isn’t a sin. I don’t think you have another go to make up for it, if that’s what you’re asking.
 
mommamaree said:
How wonderful that you are returning to the Church! What joy and grace await you upon your convalidation! Congratulations on your wife’s pregnancy!

With regards to your intimate question, if you are struggling to complete the act on an occasion, and move onto the afterplay, or go back to foreplay, with hopes that you may resume coitus, and then unexpectedly reach climax, there is no sin. This is merely an accident. Anytime a climax occurs unexpectedly outside the act of coitus, if the intent was to engage in coitus, it is an accident and not a sin. One would not want to purposefully cause male climax outside of coitus, of course, as that is a sin. However, for your wife, female climax may occur at any time during the entire marital act: foreplay, coitus, and afterplay. I hope that I understood your question. God bless!
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If I were to be hard on myself (or honest with?) I would say I knew I was getting close to climaxing and decided to just let it happen in the heat of the moment, somewhat influenced by it just being easier and not making a marathon session. I do realize my wife already being pregnant is not a factor in the culpability that accompanies ejaculation outside of the vagina.

If I were to be easier on myself, or had a lax conscience, I would just let it go.

I would prefer that it had not had happened, so I lean toward the former, however it is situations like this that having a scrupulous conscience combined with OCD/Anxiety make it difficult to be Catholic. In time I hope to eradicate all situations that cause me distress like this.

Thanks!
 
Until the marriage is convalidated you shouldn’t be having sex at all.
 
needleskane said:
If I were to be hard on myself (or honest with?) I would say I knew I was getting close to climaxing and decided to just let it happen in the heat of the moment, somewhat influenced by it just being easier and not making a marathon session. I do realize my wife already being pregnant is not a factor in the culpability that accompanies ejaculation outside of the vagina.

If I were to be easier on myself, or had a lax conscience, I would just let it go.

I would prefer that it had not had happened, so I lean toward the former, however it is situations like this that having a scrupulous conscience combined with OCD/Anxiety make it difficult to be Catholic. In time I hope to eradicate all situations that cause me distress like this.

Thanks!
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You are welcome.
Only you can know what was in your thoughts. Well, you and God.🙂

Before your convalidation, which is in a couple weeks, you will be doing a general confession, yes? That is typical protocol, AFAIK. So, you have an opportunity soon to make your confession of this and all your sins. And then you will be married in the Church, and your bond with your wife will become sacramental. You have no idea yet how much your marriage will improve with the graces that will begin to flow through it. I can say that though I thought my marriage was happy prior to my convalidation, afterwards I began to know true joy and love.
I pray that you and your wife and your baby will be greatly blessed on the day of your convalidation. God bless.
 
needleskane said:
If I were to be hard on myself (or honest with?) I would say I knew I was getting close to climaxing and decided to just let it happen in the heat of the moment, somewhat influenced by it just being easier and not making a marathon session.
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If it was the first time this happened, that is one thing. Now that you know it is a possibility, you have a moral obligation to do your best to not be in a situation where it could happen again

Angie
 
needleskane said:
If I were to be hard on myself (or honest with?) I would say I knew I was getting close to climaxing and decided to just let it happen in the heat of the moment, somewhat influenced by it just being easier and not making a marathon session. I do realize my wife already being pregnant is not a factor in the culpability that accompanies ejaculation outside of the vagina.

If I were to be easier on myself, or had a lax conscience, I would just let it go.

I would prefer that it had not had happened, so I lean toward the former, however it is situations like this that having a scrupulous conscience combined with OCD/Anxiety make it difficult to be Catholic. In time I hope to eradicate all situations that cause me distress like this.

Thanks!
Click to expand...
If you are scrupulous, tell the doubts to your regular confessor. Follow his advice. I can’t stress the latter enough. Not following it will make your scrupulosity worse.
 
Resurrecting this thread. My wife has informed me that the restrictions placed on our sex life from Catholic doctrine have been a detriment. For example, having to finish vaginally can cause her to go on longer than she is comfortable. Any thoughts?
 
needleskane said:
Resurrecting this thread. My wife has informed me that the restrictions placed on our sex life from Catholic doctrine have been a detriment. For example, having to finish vaginally can cause her to go on longer than she is comfortable. Any thoughts?
Click to expand...
Maybe extend foreplay (for her, too, so she is more comfortable) so you are able to finish sooner? I know I have this problem, too…and then DH asks if we can go another round :eek:
 
Given that you’ve discussed your OCD and anxiety, I have to wonder if this could be medication related. Are you taking an SSRI? Luvox (fluvoxamine,) perhaps? If you are taking medication, discuss this with your doc. Delayed Orgasmic Response is a common side effect. For some ppl it wears off in 6-12 weeks. For others, never. Your doc could use a different drug, or if you’re getting success with the med, s/he can prescribe something you take roughly half an hour prior to alleviate the symptoms.

Perhaps a good (water based) lubricant would make things more comfortable for your wife. You might also try extended foreplay and getting very close and stopping a time or two before starting coitus.
 
NFPWife said:
Given that you’ve discussed your OCD and anxiety, I have to wonder if this could be medication related. Are you taking an SSRI? Luvox (fluvoxamine,) perhaps? If you are taking medication, discuss this with your doc. Delayed Orgasmic Response is a common side effect. For some ppl it wears off in 6-12 weeks. For others, never. Your doc could use a different drug, or if you’re getting success with the med, s/he can prescribe something you take roughly half an hour prior to alleviate the symptoms.

Perhaps a good (water based) lubricant would make things more comfortable for your wife. You might also try extended foreplay and getting very close and stopping a time or two before starting coitus.
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Thank you for your great and understanding response. Zoloft does have this effect on me to an extent, but altering my meds could cause serious mental issues (it works well otherwise). I suppose we will have to get creative. My wife does not like getting me close and then jamming me in (if you know what I mean). It seems even worse than just mutual masturbation.
 
needleskane said:
Thank you for your great and understanding response. Zoloft does have this effect on me to an extent, but altering my meds could cause serious mental issues (it works well otherwise). I suppose we will have to get creative. My wife does not like getting me close and then jamming me in (if you know what I mean). It seems even worse than just mutual masturbation.
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Yeah, I can appreciate that she might not care for that. You’re going to have to finesse that technique a little. 😉 I really think it’s the Zoloft and I have a great idea (at least I think so!) that I’ll PM to you.
 
needleskane said:
Resurrecting this thread. My wife has informed me that the restrictions placed on our sex life from Catholic doctrine have been a detriment. For example, having to finish vaginally can cause her to go on longer than she is comfortable. Any thoughts?
Click to expand...
Is your wife experiencing orgasm(s)? Many women would be delighted with a man’s “staying power”.
 
needleskane said:
I have come quite a long way since first posting on these forums, so I thank you all for the prayers.

My wife is pregnant 😃 and we are getting our marriage convalidated on December 1st.

Here is my situation (graphic):

During intercourse, I could not finish vaginally and thus we moved on to other activities… I planned to reinsert at the time of climax but, alas, that did not end up happening. I realize this is a gray area of consent of the will, and honestly I technically should not be copulating anyway until after December 1st, so this question applies more for the future. What do other married couples do in this situation? Keep trying or just call it quits with no climax? Is that not then just a period of mutual masturbation with no end? Why must this be a mortal sin?

I feel the proper action would for me to have just called it quits and begin the post-coital embrace prematurely.

FYI, my wife is very supportive (accepted no contraception, my path back to the church and convalidation) but would find this question borderline ridiculous.

Thanks everyone!
Click to expand...
I find the church’s typical response to these types of questions very confusing. Biologically speaking, it makes no difference where you “finish” - since your wife is already pregnant!

I am very uncomfortable with these supposed church rules that comes across as trying to micro-manage the loving embrace of a married couple. A bit of mood killer, if you ask me.
 
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