Marriage broken

[fm1982]

It has been a while since I last posted. At that time I had discovered that my wife had engaged in two affairs, one 8 years ago just before we got married and one last spring.

We went to counseling, we trying to work on things when we took a break from the sessions due to the Christmas season. Two weeks ago she informed me that she wanted a separation. I dug deeper wih her and she confessed to a third affair, thisbone involving both the husband and wife. Tonight I found out through an open email that she had slept with another man during Christmas while we were visiting her family.

For those keeping score, there were two before marriage (man and woman at the same time ), a married man in March last year (as a side note his wife shouted vulgar words at my wife while she was with our 6year old a few weeks ago), couple on going and a single man. She has slept with 6 different people during our relationship, not including me. In the last 12 months she has slept with 4 others.

I have tried to make this marriage work. I have been nice to he, accommodating, supportive, loving in the ways I know how. I have worked mostly by myself taking care of our 4kids. When she had a mental breakdown last year, I took the kids to daycare and cut from myself to pay while she was at home not working and enjoying luxuries. She’s been suicidal, been under the supervision of Children’s services twice, drinks many evenings, comes home late, is out often and last night came home drunk after 3 am. Tonight it is after midnight her, she works tomorrow, but she is still out. I worked until 9 pm tonight and wasn’t in the door 2 minutes before she was out.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. She wants to separate, but also wants 50/50 custody. She has a difficult time wih the kids and is in my opinion not an example of how to live. I want together myself and my kids out and know that me caring for the kids and her getting every other weekend would probably be the best solution. I’m afraid to confront her behavior because I am afraid she will get what she wants and my kids winter have the stability they need to thrive.

I want to speak to a lawyer, but being a stay at home dad money is tight. There are many free programs and support for women, but i can’t find any for men in Ontario Canada. I hope someone has some advice for me because I feel so lost right now. I want what is best for my kids, but don’t know what to do.

 

[Shin]

You have my prayers… . prayers. . .

 

[vsedriver]

do what ever you have to and hire a lawyer. once you file you can keep her out of the house. Record any evidence of her affairs and use that to prove she would be a bad influence on your children.

Your focus should be totally on what is best for the kids.

by the way, you should not have sex with her since you have no idea what diseases she could pass on to you. Seek help, there are people out there.

 

[raikou]

Praying for you and your family as well. Offer these up to God.

I agree that you should protect the kids from her if she is like that. I’m not a lawyer, much less am I familiar with Canadian law, but it seems to me that who can take care of the kids better is also considered in determining child custody.

 

[copeland45]

What is Catholic teaching on this situation?

1. Could he divorce her? Does the church permit it in this situation?
2. If “yes” to #1, would the Church permit him to remarry?
3. If she files for separation (and later divorce), is he free to remarry?

To the OP, I recommend making many prayers commending this to God’s will and then get to work on however he is leading you to handle this.

I am in a similar situation except that my wife is not cheating, she is simply an alcoholic. Drinks literally every night.

 

[Christine85]

 

[Markus2007]

What is Catholic teaching on this situation?

1. Could he divorce her? Does the church permit it in this situation?
2. If “yes” to #1, would the Church permit him to remarry?
3. If she files for separation (and later divorce), is he free to remarry?

To the OP, I recommend making many prayers commending this to God’s will and then get to work on however he is leading you to handle this.

I am in a similar situation except that my wife is not cheating, she is simply an alcoholic. Drinks literally every night.

As far as I understand, there is no such thing as divorce in catholic teaching. Once a marriage was validely ordained, it can never be broken.

In this particular case I would try to look into if the “marriage” was even valid to begin with. If not, there can be an anullment (which basically means that the “marriage” in fact never was a valid marriage). After that, you can marry in the Church (not re-marry, since this relationship would be deemed not an actual marriage). You need to at least talk to a priest for more details on anullments (although you will find some basic information online, too).

I think this is really a terrible situation and I am certainly not capable of giving any advice on how you should deal with it. I’d assume there need to be legal action taken, especially for the sake of the kids, but please don’t forget prayer.

 

[anruari]

What is Catholic teaching on this situation?

1. Could he divorce her? Does the church permit it in this situation?

The church recognises that there can be times when an end to the legal marriage is necessary. However it is a potentially permanent separation. this differs from the definition of “Divorce” which grants a right to re-marry.

1. If “yes” to #1, would the Church permit him to remarry?

No. not if his current marriage was valid.

1. If she files for separation (and later divorce), is he free to remarry?

No. not if his current marriage was valid.

Remember: Annulment is not a “Catholic Divorce”. it is showing that the original attempted marriage was null and void from the time of or before the original ceremony. It’s a statement that "It never happened.
This can be due to one of several reasons:
Fraud: one party concealed a critical factor e.g. lied about their gender.
One party was not free to marry: i.e. they were married before.
Forced Marraige: Marriage requires full and free consent. If one party was unable to give full free consent then the marriage was never real
this may include mental illness or addictions which impaired judgement at the time of the original marriage

One Party lied about their intentions in the wedding vows:

this may apply here. Your wife was unfaithful before the wedding. If she never intended to be faithful, or was incapable of promising to be faithful (due to a psychological fault in that area) her wedding vows may have been null and void.
You would need to see an annulment specialist about this. your parish Priest can direct you.

She would probably need to co-operate in the annulment process as her own testimony about her state of mind and intentions would carry a lot of weight.

From a spiritual perspective: Read the Book of Job. you are not the first in this situation.
Your wedding vows are valid unless hers can be proven to be otherwise.
She is your wife, and you swore “For better or for worse, in sickness and in health Till death do us part”.
Now you are seeing the “Worse”, and it may be due to sickness of the mind. but the accused is innocent until proven guilty, and the marriage is valid until proven null. Sh is your wife, and you must Love her.

Go see your priest. He can help you far better than my black and white attitude over the internet.