Marriage but no children due to mental illness

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123me

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My ‘girlfriend’ was until recently living in the same house as me (I own the house she needed somewhere to stay)

We sinned it never had intercourse though not through not trying, she was just too scared. We confessed all this and remained living in the same house but in different bedrooms, which was not ideal as I found her a turn on, but we didn’t attempt intercourse again.

She is poor on benefits and with bipolar, she doesn’t always know what she wants, she is very clever but due to problems does not hold down a job at moment.

We recently saw our priest to see about possibly of marriage, but during the meeting she said she doesn’t know if she loves me enough, I would have married her if she did, but the priest advised us because of her mental issues that it might beest not to, to go and think about it and if you decide you still want to marry he will ‘perform his duty as parish priest’

In the meantime, she has moved into another rented property that she cannot afford, partly because she reckoned she could sleep better on her own, this has not proved to be the case.

So now she is saying even though I am just sweet and she doesn’t feel well enough to have children can I marry her?

I care a lot about her, and love her and marriage would mean we could live together without scandal, but I said to her cant you be open to a family. I am 50 she is 38 so I am getting on.

She is going to run out of money soon, and she cannot live by herself, and has insomnia and sometimes suicidal thoughts (on a few occasions when we lived in same house I had to call ambulance because she took too many tablets to try and sleep).

Is there any way I can marry her and be chaste or something, I don’t know what else to do, so just considering the options available, I only want to follow the church, and she is RC too.

Throughout all the time I have known her I have been praying that she may be healed.

The alternative as the priest says is be at best just platonic friends, but then I worry for her, and I only wish she could be well and be open to a family. She has paid 6 months in advance on her rented property, a decision has to be made on where she lives by March 2016.

Thanks
 
From your post, it does not sound like you two are in a good position to marry. It’s generally a very bad idea to marry someone in order to rescue them, as it kind of appears that you are doing here. Your girlfriend also does not sound like she is ready for the commitment of lifelong marriage. Continuing to pray for her healing is a great idea, but from your description marriage would not be right for you two.
 
I’m sorry for your situation. However, you have listed poverty, unemployment, mental illness complete with suicidal thoughts and her telling you that she doesn’t feel well enough to have children. This doesn’t sound like someone who is ready to start a family just yet. If your priest advised you not to, I would follow his advice. In the meantime, you can still care for her and encourage her to receive any and all help available to her.
 
123me said:
My ‘girlfriend’ was until recently living in the same house as me (I own the house she needed somewhere to stay)

We sinned it never had intercourse though not through not trying, she was just too scared. We confessed all this and remained living in the same house but in different bedrooms, which was not ideal as I found her a turn on, but we didn’t attempt intercourse again.

She is poor on benefits and with bipolar, she doesn’t always know what she wants, she is very clever but due to problems does not hold down a job at moment.

We recently saw our priest to see about possibly of marriage, but during the meeting she said she doesn’t know if she loves me enough, I would have married her if she did, but the priest advised us because of her mental issues that it might beest not to, to go and think about it and if you decide you still want to marry he will ‘perform his duty as parish priest’

In the meantime, she has moved into another rented property that she cannot afford, partly because she reckoned she could sleep better on her own, this has not proved to be the case.

So now she is saying even though I am just sweet and she doesn’t feel well enough to have children can I marry her?

I care a lot about her, and love her and marriage would mean we could live together without scandal, but I said to her cant you be open to a family. I am 50 she is 38 so I am getting on.

She is going to run out of money soon, and she cannot live by herself, and has insomnia and sometimes suicidal thoughts (on a few occasions when we lived in same house I had to call ambulance because she took too many tablets to try and sleep).

Is there any way I can marry her and be chaste or something, I don’t know what else to do, so just considering the options available, I only want to follow the church, and she is RC too.

Throughout all the time I have known her I have been praying that she may be healed.

The alternative as the priest says is be at best just platonic friends, but then I worry for her, and I only wish she could be well and be open to a family. She has paid 6 months in advance on her rented property, a decision has to be made on where she lives by March 2016.

Thanks
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Perhaps you can continue to pray for your friend but try to meet some other Catholic singles that might be ready for marriage?
 
Thanks for these replies, I’ll share them with my friend.

As per last post, I was single for most my adult life though only came back to church in the last 8 or so years, I was more sinful then and u repentant, now living chastely well at least for months before needing confession on this, although when I see my friend I get turned on but pull away.

I have suffered myself most my life from social phobia, bit better now, but I don’t really feel like meeting anyone else I have kind of grown unexpectedly close to my friend, so it will be hard not to live with her, kind of feels like no one else could fill this void at moment, and I am better off living alone as I managed for decades before.
 
Even my friend says why don’t you go to catholic singles group, like she wants to give up on us. But I see your point. I will definitely continue to pray for her she is a wonderful person despite her problems.
 
123me said:
Thanks for these replies, I’ll share them with my friend.

As per last post, I was single for most my adult life though only came back to church in the last 8 or so years, I was more sinful then and u repentant, now living chastely well at least for months before needing confession on this, although when I see my friend I get turned on but pull away.

I have suffered myself most my life from social phobia, bit better now, but I don’t really feel like meeting anyone else I have kind of grown unexpectedly close to my friend, so it will be hard not to live with her, kind of feels like no one else could fill this void at moment, and I am better off living alone as I managed for decades before.
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I understand. I know several people with social phobia, anxiety, etc.

Pray about it and try to get involved socially. Perhaps a therapist can help you overcome some of the obstacles.

I believe there are quite a few single Catholic women looking for a relationship and would not mind meeting a shy man.

I know that social anxiety can be crippling. Don’t give up hope! 🙂
 
I wanted to say how wonderful it is that you can pray for her, and that you care so much about her.
I pray now a Hail Mary and ask Mary to pray for you both and lead you to healing in Jesus, and for whatever God wills to happen and give you both happiness and healing. Pray harder and harder!

Hail Mary, full of grace,
The Lord is with thee
Blessed art Thou amongst women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus

Holy Mary, Mother of God
Pray for us sinners,
Now, and at the hour of our death,
Amen.
 
God bless you OP. You sound like you have such a big heart. Please know that I’m praying for you and your friend.
 
I agree with the others - you shouldn’t marry this woman to rescue her from her own problems, because they will not go away. Instead, they will become bigger and harder for you to deal with. This woman needs professional help to control her bipolar issues and her insomnia. She also needs to get a therapist to help her work through her suicidal feelings.

With reference to your own social phobias, have you considered counselling to help you with them? I understand how difficult they are (I have social anxiety), but it isn’t good to rely on just one person to fill a void for you, especially when they themselves have serious issues.

Lou
 
heidi_storage said:
From your post, it does not sound like you two are in a good position to marry. It’s generally a very bad idea to marry someone in order to rescue them, as it kind of appears that you are doing here. Your girlfriend also does not sound like she is ready for the commitment of lifelong marriage. Continuing to pray for her healing is a great idea, but from your description marriage would not be right for you two.
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From what you have stated so far I am not completely convinced it should be off. Both of you have been thinking of marrying on and off, at different times.

Some fellow forum members advised me in a recent thread that I can marry for companionship.

Whilst what heidi says about rescuing, is spot on, you have to see whether there is enough more to it than that.

Can you live without having your own children?

Does this lady love you with all your own frailties? These things go two ways. We are not religious orders, only cherry-picking the “fit”. My aunt was like this lady. My uncle was quiet and was contented to be her husband. He had an office job and played a church organ. They didn’t have children.

As a couple maybe you can be kind-of parents to a lot of people around you including other grown-ups. I’m not saying this is right, just give it longer and carry on looking into it. Unless there turns out to be a strong reason not to.
 
Hi Lou, I have actually had counselling earlier in my life, I didn’t really find it helped much, since coming to church I find I can kind of put it into perspective and see my problem is v small compared with my friends problem, and then again as I say to my friend Jesus carried a weight far greater than ours.

Carrying out crosses is a blessing in away, but yes my friend also need pro help sometimes and has been getting some.
 
Thanks vik tall trees for the balance the other way,

Having social phobia is pretty awful in that I tend to follow what people say, so if all I heard was one thing ie don’t marry them that’s what I would be convinced to do

In away not to marry feels a bit like a betrayal and I can’t work this one out.

I keep thinking I we both don’t fit into the Mr and Mrs average, yet I am chaste and can live chastely. She has thrown water in my face a couple of times but I still care for her that’s nothing, for 4 years I haven’t had full sex when we were together, so would be any harder be married? At least I wouldn’t be causing scandal.

So that’s why I posted this, I see the conventional view, but just wonder is there room for a chaste marriage is God calling us to this, and is this allowed in the church.

I can see why the popular opinion is don’t and my mind says this too, but my heart says don’t give up at least pray as previous posters said.

I would like to have a full sexual relationship, and she is intimate and warm lady, we can kiss but how far can we go in bonding as wife and husband without having procreative sex, I don’t know what the church says about this either. Sometimes a big hug and kiss is great though.
 
123me said:
Even my friend says why don’t you go to catholic singles group, like she wants to give up on us. But I see your point. I will definitely continue to pray for her she is a wonderful person despite her problems.
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The things that appear to make a person incapable of the duties of marriage don’t preclude being a wonderful person. It does make an attempt far more difficult, at best. Still, since your pastor has said he will do the “duty” of marrying you, he must not think there is a problem so grave that it obviously precludes an attempt at marriage between two people who are free to marry, able to understand what they’re attempting, and willing to try.

You should never marry someone in order to make her rescue more convenient for you. Of course you can marry someone with trials that will render the married life difficult for both of you, provided you are realistic about your joint ability to get through those in fidelity to your vows. You can marry someone that you think will need more support from you than the other way around, but you can’t know that. You must be willing to welcome and do your best by a child you did not foresee having in your difficult home, since if you are open to life you could have a child. Count the cost.
 
well she did have a five minute fling with someone else during the last 4 years she thought we weren’t in a relationship together, We were chaste so she thought she wanted more romance but couldn’t manage the relationship, the chap was a joint friend who understood her more because he has the same illness, anyway she came back, and gave up on that and now says she wouldn’t want another relationship. I for my part believe in the sanctity of marriage and believe she does too so I wpild have to put my trust in her, she has never told me a lie, so I trust her, she agrees with the whole teachings of the church as I do.
 
123me said:
Hi Lou, I have actually had counselling earlier in my life, I didn’t really find it helped much, since coming to church I find I can kind of put it into perspective and see my problem is v small compared with my friends problem, and then again as I say to my friend Jesus carried a weight far greater than ours.

Carrying out crosses is a blessing in away, but yes my friend also need pro help sometimes and has been getting some.
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I’m glad you can cope with your phobia 🙂 although your problem is less severe than your friend’s, it doesn’t mean it should just be swept to one side. Are you close to any family members or friends? Having someone else other than your friend to talk to will really help you.

I’m also glad your friend is getting help. Still, I do not think marriage would be advisable. Her marrying you will not stop her from “throwing cold water in your face”, and it may not mean the same to her as it does to you. It also doesn’t mean you will know where she is to look out for her 24/7, which is why marrying her to rescue her is a bad idea.

I would recommend you just keep being her friend. If she changes her mind later on, then you should talk about marriage.

Lou
 
Well not many close friends, one friend is paranoid about life and is restricted because of it I I am trying to help him with this best I can, we are going on hol for few days so that might help, the other sadly died this year. I’m closest to my sister but everyone seems to not want to see me much these days. Probably partly because of my faith and my girlfriend and also because of my social phonia. So not really. She is from broken family in Hungary I have met her parents her mother is mental even more so perhaps. Her sister is in a bad way she married my friends ex boyfriend (my friends relationship with him lasted about a week too) and they are divorced with a child in care. My family are normal in comparison. So not exactly the blue print for a perfect extended family, if such a thing exists.

So about everything is pretty mad, I go to church and there is peace. A peace the world is not giving me. Or her if you like.

was just hoping together we could live the faith and be good for each other, we often pray together read the bible together and go to mass etc it’s a big part of our life’s, it’s one of the things that gives us hope.
 
The way I see it is marriage is a sacrament that can unite us as one. That’s why marriage seems sensible since our beliefs are in common, is God calling us to this? It sounds crazy but this is something I can’t explain In terms of friendships or what the world thinks is ok. Sorry is this sounds deep. I guess I don’t know if I am listening to the loudest person or the whisper of God, perhaps the loudest person is right and God doesn’t want this, I am praying.
 
Thanks for everyone who responded there is much food for thought.
 
It seems to me that you could really use some help sorting out all the variables in this relationship - maybe from a marriage counselor. You have a lot of great goals - marriage, children, faithful observance of Catholicism, taking care of the person that you love. However, as the saying goes, it’s complicated. I suggest that you start looking into professional counseling both for you as an individual and for you and your girl friend as a couple. If you don’t know where to begin, I suggest that you ask your priest to point you in the right direction. Asking your priest for a referral would be a good opportunity to have some more dialogue with him about your feelings. Counseling might take some time and might take some work. However, it would be worth whatever it takes to sort out all the complications and understand what it would really take to move your relationship forward in a healthy way in order to make a good decision about a matter as important as marriage. In my humble opinion, you could use some face to face, real time help with this.
 
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