Marriage Ceremony Do's and Don'ts

[MomaMary8]

Could someone direct me to where I could find out what the rubics are for a marriage ceremony to be considered a valid Catholic Marriage (not the spousal intent, but the actual performing of the ceremony)?

DH went to his bro’s wedding and said he left wondering if it was really Catholic. We chose to keep the kids home for many reasons, so I stayed with them and wasn’t there to witness the ceremony (no Mass, but I know its not necessary for a valid marriage). I’d like to find out what needs to be said to set my DH’s mind at ease.

Thanks!

 

[benedictgal]

Could someone direct me to where I could find out what the rubics are for a marriage ceremony to be considered a valid Catholic Marriage (not the spousal intent, but the actual performing of the ceremony)?

DH went to his bro’s wedding and said he left wondering if it was really Catholic. We chose to keep the kids home for many reasons, so I stayed with them and wasn’t there to witness the ceremony (no Mass, but I know its not necessary for a valid marriage). I’d like to find out what needs to be said to set my DH’s mind at ease.

Thanks!

It would help if your DH could relay wnat exactly happened. When I served at the Cathedral (in my capacity as director of liturgy and worship), I used to also assist the Wedding Coordinator, especiallyi from the liturgical end of things. While oru rector did everything by the book, we often had a cavalcade of visiting priests who were radically different.

On one such occasion, the visiting priest had the cuople join him up on the altar during the presentation of the gifts. The bride lifted up the ciborrium while the priest said the prayer. Then, the groom lifted up the chalice while the priest said the prayer. Then, they offered up the bridal bouquet, placing it on the altar.

The rector had also banned the use of the Unity Candle, stating that this was not part of the wedding rite of the Church. Unfortunately, the same visitng priest (who performed the bizarre offertory ritual) placed the Unity Candle on the altar and wax spilled all over the place.

Now, the blessing of the arras (coins) and the laso (double-yoke Rosary) is certainly allowed. The Mexican version of the Nuptial rite does include these. The coins, 10 dimes/pesos (depnding which side of the Rio Grande you are on), mean that the couple will share their worldy goods. The laso (double-yoke Rosary) means that the couple will be bound by the bonds of love, under the protection of the Blessed Mother. Because the rector is fully (and exceptionally fluent) bilingual, he was able to accurately translate the prayers into English.

The couple are not supposed to minister Holy Communion to each other. That is wrong.

I wish I could fully answer your question; however, without your DH’s observations, we can’t go very far.

 

[Phemie]

Could someone direct me to where I could find out what the rubics are for a marriage ceremony to be considered a valid Catholic Marriage (not the spousal intent, but the actual performing of the ceremony)?

DH went to his bro’s wedding and said he left wondering if it was really Catholic. We chose to keep the kids home for many reasons, so I stayed with them and wasn’t there to witness the ceremony (no Mass, but I know its not necessary for a valid marriage). I’d like to find out what needs to be said to set my DH’s mind at ease.

Thanks!

Was it in a Catholic church?

As far as the ritual goes, the actual Rite of Marriage is simple:
After the readings and homily

1. the priest asks the intention, IOW,

• have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?
• will you love and honor each other as man & wife for the rest of your life?
• will you accept children lovingly from God and bring the up according to the law of Christ and his Church

1. the couple declares their consent
2. the priest accepts their consent ending with “What God has joined, men must not divide.” The wording may be slightly different depending on the country.

Then there is the blessing and exchanging of rings (or not, it can be omitted).

Then the General Intercessions and Nuptial Blessing (Nuptial Blessing may be omitted)

Celebration can end with Lord’s Prayer, or blessing (if there was no Nuptial Blessing) or a simple dismissal.

 

[benedictgal]

Was it in a Catholic church?

As far as the ritual goes, the actual Rite of Marriage is simple:
After the readings and homily

1. the priest asks the intention, IOW,

• have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?
• will you love and honor each other as man & wife for the rest of your life?
• will you accept children lovingly from God and bring the up according to the law of Christ and his Church

1. the couple declares their consent
2. the priest accepts their consent ending with “What God has joined, men must not divide.” The wording may be slightly different depending on the country.

Then there is the blessing and exchanging of rings (or not, it can be omitted).

Then the General Intercessions and Nuptial Blessing (Nuptial Blessing may be omitted)

Celebration can end with Lord’s Prayer, or blessing (if there was no Nuptial Blessing) or a simple dismissal.

Of course, if the ceremony was in the context of the Nuptial Mass, then after the exchange of vows and rings, the Mass goes on as normal. However, when you come to the Lord’s Prayer, there is a Nuptial blessing after that. Then everything else resumes as normal. Now, after the post-Communion prayer, the bride may choose to offer her bridal bouquet to the Blessed Mother. That, though, is optional and not an official part of the Rite.

 

[Phemie]

Of course, if the ceremony was in the context of the Nuptial Mass, then after the exchange of vows and rings, the Mass goes on as normal. However, when you come to the Lord’s Prayer, there is a Nuptial blessing after that. Then everything else resumes as normal. Now, after the post-Communion prayer, the bride may choose to offer her bridal bouquet to the Blessed Mother. That, though, is optional and not an official part of the Rite.

Yes, of course, but since the OP had said that this wedding wasn’t in the context of a Mass I omitted that.

For a valid Catholic marriage I think all that would be needed is the declaration of intentions & the exchange of consent in front of two witnesses and a priest, deacon or Church-authorized lay person. Anything else directly marriage related can be omitted and the readings and such are not part of the marriage rite, but of the Liturgy of the Word or the Mass.

 

[benedictgal]

Yes, of course, but since the OP had said that this wedding wasn’t in the context of a Mass I omitted that.

For a valid Catholic marriage I think all that would be needed is the declaration of intentions & the exchange of consent in front of two witnesses and a priest, deacon or Church-authorized lay person. Anything else directly marriage related can be omitted and the readings and such are not part of the marriage rite, but of the Liturgy of the Word or the Mass.

Ah! You’re right. I sometimes wish that the print on these things were bigger.

 

[Phemie]

Ah! You’re right. I sometimes wish that the print on these things were bigger.

I make frequent use of the Ctrl & + keys. At 54, the eyes ain’t what they used to be.

 

[MomaMary8]

Thanks Benedictgal and Phemie. My DH and I had to stop discussing the wedding and reception as it was leading to ill feelings towards his family (for both of us!) and we did not need to continue and risk sinning!! I’m sorry I can’t give you more information.

It was the first time my DH saw “unity sand” and so many openly gay people (with partners) in attendance at the wedding and a part of the wedding party. He said it was an eye opener for him.

I will pass on the information to my DH and hopefully he will be more comfortable thinking of his brother’s wedding. We are praying God’s grace enters into their marriage and brings them closer to God. I know others prayed that for me on my marriage day, and boy did it work!!

For the record, the priest that married us banned unity candles too! They were just becoming popular when we were getting married, and I had no knowledge of them. I am thankful for that priest’s guidance and standing firm on the church sacrament

 

[benedictgal]

Thanks Benedictgal and Phemie. My DH and I had to stop discussing the wedding and reception as it was leading to ill feelings towards his family (for both of us!) and we did not need to continue and risk sinning!! I’m sorry I can’t give you more information.

It was the first time my DH saw “unity sand” and so many openly gay people (with partners) in attendance at the wedding and a part of the wedding party. He said it was an eye opener for him.

I will pass on the information to my DH and hopefully he will be more comfortable thinking of his brother’s wedding. We are praying God’s grace enters into their marriage and brings them closer to God. I know others prayed that for me on my marriage day, and boy did it work!!

For the record, the priest that married us banned unity candles too! They were just becoming popular when we were getting married, and I had no knowledge of them. I am thankful for that priest’s guidance and standing firm on the church sacrament

What, pray tell, is “unity sand”? Was the wedding at the beach? That’s a big red herring. Was this a union between a Catholic and a non-Catholic?

Questionable wedding guests don’t invalidate the ceremony. At least, isince t wasn’t a Nuptial Mass, reception of Holy Communion would not have been an issue.

 

[estesbob]

I make frequent use of the Ctrl & + keys. At 54, the eyes ain’t what they used to be.

I didnt know one could do that!!!

 

[MomaMary8]

The wedding was in a church, and from what I understand about “unity sand,” its the same priciple as a unity candle, but only sand and typically used at beach ceremonies so the wind does not blow out any flame. The ceremony was indoors though

I know the guests do not matter when considering the validity of the marriage ceremony, but it was just an example of what was going on. I guess the priest was a bit loosey goosey as my DH says, but wouldn’t elaborate. My DH was questioning the vows, primarily. I guess they were as loose as the priest. We both agreed that it was good that there wasn’t a mass involved. He said it would have been worse to witness abuses during the Holy Eucharist.

 

[Phemie]

It should be noted that the couple may write their own vows (at least it’s a possibility explored in the notes in the Canadian Rite) but it’s strongly suggested that if they do so the priest submit them to the marriage tribunal to ensure they contain everything they must and nothing they mustn’t. I figure why go through all that trouble when there’s a perfectly good formula already there for me. Should I want to add anything else publicly, I can do it at the reception.

 

[Phemie]

What, pray tell, is “unity sand”? Was the wedding at the beach? That’s a big red herring. Was this a union between a Catholic and a non-Catholic?

I had a bride request that unity sand when she called the office. Considering I try to discourage the unity candle, imagine how I felt when, in answer to my query, she explained that it was similar to the unity candle but represented the blending of the families. I almost asked her if this was a second marriage for both of them with children involved – that’s the only blending of families I picture at a wedding.

She went on to explain that the mothers pour sand from 2 containers into 1 to signify a blending of families. Gag me with a spoon! :whacky:

 

[estesbob]

I had a bride request that unity sand when she called the office. Considering I try to discourage the unity candle, imagine how I felt when, in answer to my query, she explained that it was similar to the unity candle but represented the blending of the families. I almost asked her if this was a second marriage for both of them with children involved – that’s the only blending of families I picture at a wedding.

She went on to explain that the mothers pour sand from 2 containers into 1 to signify a blending of families. Gag me with a spoon! :whacky:

Whata you want to bet it was one of the Mothers pushng for it?

 

[Phemie]

Whata you want to bet it was one of the Mothers pushng for it?

I had another, non-Catholic, bride come to the office to go over the music and ascertain that what she’d chosen was appropriate. Then she asked me whether the unity candle was allowed in the Catholic Church. I had to be truthful and tell her that even though it wasn’t forbidden, it wasn’t encouraged and that there were much better symbols in the ceremony including the bride and groom. To which she replied, “Thank you for that, I’ll tell my mom ‘NO UNITY CANDLE’”

 

[Newzie52]

I had another, non-Catholic, bride come to the office to go over the music and ascertain that what she’d chosen was appropriate. Then she asked me whether the unity candle was allowed in the Catholic Church. I had to be truthful and tell her that even though it wasn’t forbidden, it wasn’t encouraged and that there were much better symbols in the ceremony including the bride and groom. To which she replied, "Thank you for that, I’ll tell my mom ‘NO UNITY CANDLE’ "

Our older daughter and her husband didn’t plan on doing the unity candle, but his family nearly had an attack, as it is apparently quite the thing in the Midwest, where they live. They hadn’t asked for anything else and we all love them to pieces, so the b&g did the candle thing.

Younger daughter is getting married in June and they have no interest in the candle, to the delight of the priest who will officiate, and to our relief.

 

[Phemie]

Our older daughter and her husband didn’t plan on doing the unity candle, but his family nearly had an attack, as it is apparently quite the thing in the Midwest, where they live. They hadn’t asked for anything else and we all love them to pieces, so the b&g did the candle thing.

Younger daughter is getting married in June and they have no interest in the candle, to the delight of the priest who will officiate, and to our relief.

You know, if dioceses got [edited by Moderator] and issued instruction we’d all be much better off. It’s one thing to say to a bride & groom, “The Church doesn’t encourage this symbol” and quite another to say “Sorry, because it’s not part of the Marriage Rite, our diocese forbids the use of this symbol.” Priests would be much more inclined to say ‘no’ if they could blame a third party and not come off as the bad guy. I long for days of our last pastor.

Two days before one wedding the bride came in, livid because he’d nixed the secular music, and demanding that the wedding party remain standing for the entire ceremony, first & second reading and homily included (didn’t want to wrinkle the dresses for the pictures).

The pastor replied, “I’m sorry, but that’s not how we do things in the Catholic Church. We sit for the first readings and the homily and stand for the Gospel.”

“If we can’t do this I’m going to get married elsewhere.”

“That’s your perogative, but you don’t get to say how the liturgy of the Church is going to be done.”

“Phemie, give me my money back. We’ll go to the judge.”

The next day it was all over town that he had ‘refused to marry them’.

PS. A few months later the Protestant Padre shows up at my office and asks if our Church has a new rule to refuse baptism to babies whose parents aren’t married in the Church. When I say “No”, he proceeds to tell me that a Catholic has approached him to baptize her baby. She’s didn’t get married in the Church. When he asks her if she’s planning to become Anglican (which he is) she says ‘no’ so he decides to check this out. When he mentions the name I immediately recognize bridezilla. I tell him the story and he nods and says “I see.”

A few weeks later I meet him again and ask how things went.
“I told her she had 4 choices: 1) she could join my congregation and after 6 months I’d consider baptizing her baby; 2) she could go to the native Catholic parish down the road and join their congregation and after 6 months the pastor there might consider baptizing her baby; 3) she could go home to the parish where she grew up and have her baby baptized there, or 4) she could grow up, go back to her own parish and face the priest and ask to have her baby baptized.”

 

[puzzleannie]

PS. A few months later the Protestant Padre shows up at my office and asks if our Church has a new rule to refuse baptism to babies whose parents aren’t married in the Church. When I say “No”, he proceeds to tell me that a Catholic has approached him to baptize her baby. She’s didn’t get married in the Church. When he asks her if she’s planning to become Anglican (which he is) she says ‘no’ so he decides to check this out. When he mentions the name I immediately recognize bridezilla. I tell him the story and he nods and says “I see.”

A few weeks later I meet him again and ask how things went.
“I told her she had 4 choices: 1) she could join my congregation and after 6 months I’d consider baptizing her baby; 2) she could go to the native Catholic parish down the road and join their congregation and after 6 months the pastor there might consider baptizing her baby; 3) she could go home to the parish where she grew up and have her baby baptized there, or 4) she could grow up, go back to her own parish and face the priest and ask to have her baby baptized.”

now that is what I call true ecumenism