Marriage complications

[ladysandoval]

Hello all!
I hope I am posting this in the correct place. I have some questions about marriage in the Catholic Church.

First, I am not Catholic but my husband is. We were married three years ago by a justice of the peace. We had no choice but to marry immediately because of his service in the military. We have always had intentions of marrying again in The Church. Now that the time has come to start planning it seems that there may be some problems.

1. I have been married before. The marriage lasted a total of 8 years. 3 of them were spent separated. My ex-husband and I were not married by the Catholic church.
2. My husband and I were married in a civil ceremony. I have read that this could be an issue. We have two children and a third baby on the way.

It is really important to my husband that we do get married in the Catholic church. I just need to know if these issues are something we can work through. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I’m not even Catholic, though tonight I am an insomniac and I figure you might want a quick response, so I’ll start. Because you are a non-Catholic who was married to a non-Catholic, the Church would assume this first marriage was valid. A Decree of Nullity would need to be granted before anything else. In the eyes of the Church, you and your current husband are in an adulterous relationship, you are cheating on your first husband with your “second” husband. If the decree of nullity is granted, then you would be free to marry your “second” husband in the Church.

Even if you had not been married before (or, if your first husband suddenly died today), the civil marriage would not count because your husband as a Catholic is obligated to marry in the Church, unless he got a dispensation. If your husband is still taking the Eucharist, he would either have to stop doing so until he is married to you in the Church, or you and he would have to live as “brother and sister” (that is, abstaining from sex) until the day of your marriage in the Church.

I’m not comfortable stating anything further, but hopefully there is a priest you can talk to about starting the annulment process. I am sure there will be many other people adding more helpful information later on, just not sure they’re up at this late hour (on the East Coast of the USA, anyway…maybe you’re posting from some other time zone).

 

[YoungTradCath]

Hello all!
I hope I am posting this in the correct place. I have some questions about marriage in the Catholic Church.

First, I am not Catholic but my husband is. We were married three years ago by a justice of the peace. We had no choice but to marry immediately because of his service in the military. We have always had intentions of marrying again in The Church. Now that the time has come to start planning it seems that there may be some problems.

1. I have been married before. The marriage lasted a total of 8 years. 3 of them were spent separated. My ex-husband and I were not married by the Catholic church.
2. My husband and I were married in a civil ceremony. I have read that this could be an issue. We have two children and a third baby on the way.

It is really important to my husband that we do get married in the Catholic church. I just need to know if these issues are something we can work through. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

1. Shouldn’t matter. It might warrant a bit of explaining, but since you were not in a Catholic marriage, then you couldn’t have been expected to uphold the Catholic tenets of marriage. Catholics don’t divorce… but you weren’t in a Catholic marriage.
2. The civil ceremony could be a bit of an issue, yes. The priest might want to know why you just didn’t get married in a Catholic church back then, I don’t know. It is a mortal sin for your husband to have been living with you in a situation that “looks” like marriage, because the church doesn’t view you as married. As far as the Church is concerned, since you weren’t married sacramentally, you aren’t married at all. The Church calls this cohabitation. Your husband will have to confess it. The Church will more than likely marry you (like I’m pretty sure they would). But I’m thinking they won’t give you a (Nuptial) mass, because you’re not Catholic.

These issues are certainly rectifiable. Nothing here can’t be righted. But it might take a bit of time. I understand and am fully aware that to receive military benefits, base privileges, Tricare, etc., you have to be married. So I understand why you were “married” in a civil ceremony. However, like I said, you aren’t actually married to the Church, and since you have been living as such anyways, your husband has been committing sin in the process. So yes, there are issues, but these situations are fairly common, I’d wager. You’ll be fine, just put your mind to it.

 

[ladysandoval]

Thank you for your responses! I appreciate it.

One more question, my husband says that there is some kind of classes or something I’m going to need to go through in order to marry him again. He is currently deployed and he doesn’t have a regular church here at our duty station as we just got here. Can I go to any Catholic church to takes these classes and ask my questions? If I go through all these steps at one church is it transferable? I mean, we’re not planning on remarrying here, we will be going home if I deal with my previous marriage and I take these classes will it be recognized in our home town as well?

 

[nodito]

1. Shouldn’t matter. It might warrant a bit of explaining, but since you were not in a Catholic marriage, then you couldn’t have been expected to uphold the Catholic tenets of marriage. Catholics don’t divorce… but you weren’t in a Catholic marriage.

This isn’t true. The OP is non-Catholic. Non-Catholics are able to validly marry other non-Catholics. The Church would presume that her first marriage is still valid, unless and until she receives a declaration of nullity, which isn’t guarenteed.

ladysandoval, I would urge you to contact a priest to start this process and ask your questions. I’m not sure about the specific steps/requirements you’ll need to take to take but you are certainly welcome to approach any priest who is convenient to your current location to get things rolling.

 

[Matthew_Holford]

You have two main issues to address. The first is your previous marriage and the second your current marriage.

As a non-Catholic marrying another non-Catholic you were not bound by Catholic Canon Law. However, your marriage would be seen by the Catholic Church as a good and natural marriage. If you are both validly baptized your marriage is also sacramental. Because of this marriage you were not free to marry your second husband. While the terms may sound hurtful, you are committing adultery.

To resolve this situation you will need to apply for a decree of nullity of marriage. You will need to see your husband’s parish priest to begin this process. It is important to keep in mind that there is no guarantee that this decree of nullity will be granted.

As far as your current marriage is concerned your husband and you can continue to live together in the same dwelling. However, you must refrain from sex and live together as if you were brother and sister. If you have sex you will be committing a mortal sin. Because of these circumstances your husband must confess them. Until he receives absolution and continues to avoid mortal sin, e.g. having sex, he must refrain from receiving the Eucharist and any other sacraments.

If you are granted a decree of nullity then you will need to go back to the priest to make arrangements to have your current marriage situation regularised according to Latin Catholic Canon Law.

I do not understand why there had to be such haste at the start of your current marriage and why you could not have dealt with these issues then.

I hope that you are able to resolve the issues you have. Please be patient as these things will take time.

 

[SwizzleStick]

I’m not even Catholic, though tonight I am an insomniac and I figure you might want a quick response, so I’ll start. Because you are a non-Catholic who was married to a non-Catholic, the Church would assume this first marriage was valid. A Decree of Nullity would need to be granted before anything else. In the eyes of the Church, you and your current husband are in an adulterous relationship, you are cheating on your first husband with your “second” husband. If the decree of nullity is granted, then you would be free to marry your “second” husband in the Church.

Even if you had not been married before (or, if your first husband suddenly died today), the civil marriage would not count because your husband as a Catholic is obligated to marry in the Church, unless he got a dispensation. If your husband is still taking the Eucharist, he would either have to stop doing so until he is married to you in the Church, or you and he would have to live as “brother and sister” (that is, abstaining from sex) until the day of your marriage in the Church.

I’m not comfortable stating anything further, but hopefully there is a priest you can talk to about starting the annulment process. I am sure there will be many other people adding more helpful information later on, just not sure they’re up at this late hour (on the East Coast of the USA, anyway…maybe you’re posting from some other time zone).

You have two main issues to address. The first is your previous marriage and the second your current marriage.

As a non-Catholic marrying another non-Catholic you were not bound by Catholic Canon Law. However, your marriage would be seen by the Catholic Church as a good and natural marriage. If you are both validly baptized your marriage is also sacramental. Because of this marriage you were not free to marry your second husband. While the terms may sound hurtful, you are committing adultery.

To resolve this situation you will need to apply for a decree of nullity of marriage. You will need to see your husband’s parish priest to begin this process. It is important to keep in mind that there is no guarantee that this decree of nullity will be granted.

As far as your current marriage is concerned your husband and you can continue to live together in the same dwelling. However, you must refrain from sex and live together as if you were brother and sister. If you have sex you will be committing a mortal sin. Because of these circumstances your husband must confess them. Until he receives absolution and continues to avoid mortal sin, e.g. having sex, he must refrain from receiving the Eucharist and any other sacraments.

If you are granted a decree of nullity then you will need to go back to the priest to make arrangements to have your current marriage situation regularised according to Latin Catholic Canon Law.

I do not understand why there had to be such haste at the start of your current marriage and why you could not have dealt with these issues then.

I hope that you are able to resolve the issues you have. Please be patient as these things will take time.

Good answers. OP, I’m sorry, but your situation is complicated because of your first marriage. It is possible that you may seek a Decree of Nullity and your first marriage is found to be valid. It is also possible it will be found to be invalid, but you need to be aware that it is not a given that you will receive a Decree of Nullity to be free to marry in the Catholic Church.

But, for now, you need to see a priest and explain the situation to him so an investigation may begin.

 

[ladysandoval]

Thank you for all of the great information. I have done some research and do believe that I will be able to nullify my first marriage. I was just 16 years old and forced to marry by my parents. I can prove both points.

As for the haste of my current marriage… He is in the military. He was being moved across the country. If we didn’t marry immediately I would not have been able to move with him. We already had a daughter together at this point and he was unwilling to wait and be separated from his child.

He does not have a current parish because of our more recent move. Can I go to any Church?

 

[nodito]

Can I go to any Church?

Yes.

 

[Matthew_Holford]

… do believe that I will be able to nullify my first marriage.

It is not a 100% certainty! It must be considered by a Church tribunal. They will decide if it is valid or not. Do not assume it is a foregone conclusion. Even if they decide to grant you a decree of nullity, their decision will have to be reviewed and confirmed by an appeal tribunal.

I was just 16 years old …

That might mean your marriage was illicit but it is less likely to be grounds for nullity. The Church allows females to marry from the age of 14. If your civil jurisdiction allows for marriage from the age of 16 then it will not be an issue.

As for the haste of my current marriage… He is in the military. He was being moved across the country. If we didn’t marry immediately I would not have been able to move with him. We already had a daughter together at this point and he was unwilling to wait and be separated from his child.

These facts, if nothing else, demonstrate a lack of understanding of Catholic marriage and morality.

He does not have a current parish because of our more recent move. Can I go to any Church?

He does have a current parish. Wherever you are you will be in a parish even if you haven’t registered there. Unless, you mean he has moved to an overseas posting which may complicate things a little.

 

[puzzleannie]

Hello It is really important to my husband that we do get married in the Catholic church. I just need to know if these issues are something we can work through. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

yes all these are issues that can be worked through, and the place to begin is with your husband’s parish priest. You both need to meet with him and discuss all aspects of your marriage and family situation so he can guide you. Discussion here won’t help much because there are so many variables. Not the least is the baptismal status of your ex, for instance, but there are lots more. Start gathering relevant paperwork. Birth and baptismal records of all parties, civil marriage licenses and civil divorce paperwork to begin with. You might yourself decide to participate in an RCIA or an adult confirmation class to become familiar with CAtholic teaching, although it is not required that you actually become Catholic. Your husband will be required to do his best to raise your children Catholic, and you must be notified that he has that obligation. That is one of many topics the priest will be discussing.

What may not happen is that this proceed as quickly as you hope, but even the time of waiting and preparation is an occasion for Christ’s grace to begin working in your family. You can do this.

a lot of advice you read on this thread will be well-meaning but either ill-informed, just plain wrong, or not applicable to your personal situation. See the priest as soon as you can. To help you understands your husband’s POV, the worst thing that can happen to a Catholic is to be separated from Christ as he is present in the sacraments he has given to His Church. That is the condition your husband wishes to correct and you are to be commended in supporting him.

You do not say if he is still in the military, the Catholic chaplain can also help you with this.

 

[Like]

yes all these are issues that can be worked through, and the place to begin is with your husband’s parish priest. You both need to meet with him and discuss all aspects of your marriage and family situation so he can guide you. Discussion here won’t help much because there are so many variables. Not the least is the baptismal status of your ex, for instance, but there are lots more. Start gathering relevant paperwork. Birth and baptismal records of all parties, civil marriage licenses and civil divorce paperwork to begin with. You might yourself decide to participate in an RCIA or an adult confirmation class to become familiar with CAtholic teaching, although it is not required that you actually become Catholic. Your husband will be required to do his best to raise your children Catholic, and you must be notified that he has that obligation. That is one of many topics the priest will be discussing.

What may not happen is that this proceed as quickly as you hope, but even the time of waiting and preparation is an occasion for Christ’s grace to begin working in your family. You can do this.

a lot of advice you read on this thread will be well-meaning but either ill-informed, just plain wrong, or not applicable to your personal situation. See the priest as soon as you can. To help you understands your husband’s POV, the worst thing that can happen to a Catholic is to be separated from Christ as he is present in the sacraments he has given to His Church. That is the condition your husband wishes to correct and you are to be commended in supporting him.

You do not say if he is still in the military, the Catholic chaplain can also help you with this.

Very good advice!

 

[Phemie]

He does have a current parish. Wherever you are you will be in a parish even if you haven’t registered there. Unless, you mean he has moved to an overseas posting which may complicate things a little.

I’m pretty sure that as a military spouse she falls under the care of the military chaplain at the Base where they are living.

 

[Warrior1979]

1. I have been married before. The marriage lasted a total of 8 years. 3 of them were spent separated. My ex-husband and I were not married by the Catholic church.

You state that you were married outside a Catholic Church, but you didn’t state whether or not your first husband was Catholic. If he was Catholic, you’re first marriage is would be considered invalid unless the proper dispensation was obtained or extraordinary circumstances were involved (e.g., you were stuck on a desert island with you, the person you married, and a Protestant preacher that performed the ceremony ).

1. My husband and I were married in a civil ceremony. I have read that this could be an issue. We have two children and a third baby on the way.

There are multiple issues: You weren’t free to marry, and your current husband married without dispensation.

The long and short of it is that nobody here can really help you. You have to speak to a priest who will guide you through the process.

 

[5Loaves]

. I was just 16 years old and forced to marry by my parents. I can prove both points.

If this is true this is grounds for a decree of nullity. The parish priest will help you begin the process.

Can. 1103 A marriage is invalid if entered into because of force or grave fear from without, even if unintentionally inflicted, so that a person is compelled to choose marriage in order to be free from it.

Congratulations on starting on the path to regularize your marriage.

 

[ladysandoval]

I really appreciate all of the responses. I know that my situation is unique and it not everyone agrees with the choices we have made. Still, thank you all.

An update:
My husband is currently deployed overseas. He spoke to his chaplain and we have a place to start. I will be going through the annulment process here, at home, with the chaplain. He will be doing the things he needs to do, there, with his chaplain overseas.

We were advised that we would be required to meet with the chaplain twice a month for six months before being able to marry, assuming all goes well with the annulment. But as there is no reason to rush this time, that is just fine with us.

Again, thank you all for the direction. I feel really good about getting this process started and being able to marry my husband in a ceremony that is recognized by his Church.

 

[puzzleannie]

I Again, thank you all for the direction. I feel really good about getting this process started and being able to marry my husband in a ceremony that is recognized by his Church.

I really think the church ought to add a new law that you are required to have a honeymoon after convalidation, your choice of destination!

 

[Matthew_Holford]

I’m pretty sure that as a military spouse she falls under the care of the military chaplain at the Base where they are living.

I once read somewhere, and I’m sure that my memory serves me correctly, that military chaplains can’t deal with marital issues; it must always be the local diocese. I may have not fully understood this or it may apply only in the case of our military ordinariate.

 

[Phemie]

I once read somewhere, and I’m sure that my memory serves me correctly, that military chaplains can’t deal with marital issues; it must always be the local diocese. I may have not fully understood this or it may apply only in the case of our military ordinariate.

The Catholic Chaplain is still where she’d start. He would advise her what her next step should be.

 

[ramblingman]

I see there have not been any posts in this thread for awhile. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not.

You are not alone. I went through this myself - still am, in fact. I am a Baptist who married a Catholic 25 years ago. We were both military. I had been in a prior marriage to a non-Catholic. Therefore, in order for me to marry my wife, I had to get an annulment through the Catholic Church. I went through both priests at local parishes and base Chaplains because we moved frequently. I was never able to complete the annulment because I could not locate my ex-spouse, and I finally gave up looking.

Now my ex-spouse has found me and agreed to sign the paperwork. So after 25 years of marriage, my wife will finally get her church wedding (assuming the annulment is approved). We have a long road ahead of us still with annulment and convalidation, but I am doing this for her, just as you are doing it for your husband.

Best of luck to you. I hope everything has gone well and will continue to do so. Just know there are others who have been in the same boat. Things will work out.