Marriage confusion

[bullgatormom]

Nineteen years ago we were married in the Catholic church and I assumed it would be forever. Now my husband is having an affair and we are separated and in the process of getting a divorce.
I know God puts people in our lives and takes people out of our lives, but I am having terrible conscience issues about violating my marriage vows. I took those vows very seriously and although my husband did not have a problem violating his vows and “moving on”, I can’t do it.
Even the process of obtaining a civil divorce seems like a violation of my vows and yet I know have to protect myself and I can’t let it just happen without my participation.
My problem is in understanding whether God intends for us to be together forever, or if he is telling me that it is time to let this person go out of my life. Am I supposed to fight for my marriage and refuse to get the civil divorce (which I can only do for awhile since I live in a 'no fault" divorce state and he will eventually be able to get a divorce without my consent) or am I supposed to let this person go out of my life? If I do agree to a civil divorce, that doesn’t free me from my marriage vows. In the eyes of the church we are still married, and so I cannot see myself violating those vows which means I will never have another relationship or marriage.
I am very confused, sad, broken-hearted and distraught.

 

[His_helpmeet]

My heart really goes out to you. My husband was once in the place where you are now (his wife had an affair and then abandoned him) and I know it was very difficult for him also.

The Church teaches that civil divorce is acceptable in cases where one spouse is abused and/or abandoned by the other. It sounds as if your husband has abandoned you. In this case, you would certainly be able to seek a civil divorce. A civil divorce usually has no effect on your ability to receive Communion and participate in the sacramental life of the Church.

In terms of moving on with your life - you may wish to speak to your pastor about the possibility of a declaration of nullity. This is a statement from the Church that your first marriage was not valid, that there was something fundamentally lacking in the commitment that you and your husband made at the wedding. The fact that you lived together for so long may make it more difficult for you to prove that your marriage was not valid, but this does not mean impossible. Not knowing the grounds of your specific situation I can only recommend that you seek advice from your pastor as to how to proceed once your divorce is finalized. As long as you do not begin another romantic relationship while your marriage is still considered valid, you will not be violating your marriage vows. In the meantime, you might see if your parish or a parish in the area has a ministry to support divorced people.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Bullgat,

I am sorry you are going through this - I also went through what you are - wife of 17 years having an affair with a married man.

Everyone makes choices - my ex-(and annulled)-wife chose to end our marriage. As such - it states in Matthew 19:9 “if a man (or spouse) divorces their wife (or spouse) except for adultery and marries another, he commits adultery himself."

I reconmend that you talk with your Priest - one that you feel confident with and that will support you and get the paperwork for filing an annulment. Fill it out and have him review it for you and he maybe able to help you with the filing. He may even help make corrections to assist in the process.

May God bless and grant you strength. I will pray for you also.

Winter.

 

[Della]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. :console: Having been married 30 years myself, I couldn’t imagine going through what you are.

I will try to answer some of your questions, but you need to talk to your priest about your situation for your peace of mind and future happiness.

Civil divorce doesn’t release us from our religious wedding vows–not even your husband’s, although he probably doesn’t care about that just now. Let us pray he will care one day so that he can be reconciled with Christ and his Church.

Anyway, if your husband is determined to get a divorce then you are free to protect yourself by participating with your own lawyer. You need your rights upheld so you don’t lose more than you should.

No married couple is married “forever”, but only until “death do us part” so you would not have been his wife in heaven in any case. However, marriage meant to last for the whole of our earthly life and cannot therefore be dissolved.

Still, if you can find evidence that he never intended to keep his vows or there was some other impediment, such as immaturity, etc., you may be able to obtain an annulment. At this point you probably aren’t concerned with doing that, but it’s something for you to think about if you should wish to marry someone else. It’s best to gather all the information you can now while it’s fresh in everyone’s minds rather than wait, you see.

I hope it all works out well for you, dear one. I will remember you in Evening Prayer this evening.