Marriage Counseling Session Gone Bad

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TranquilAbiding

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My wife and I went to our second session of marriage counseling this morning for this year. I am a Catholic convert and my wife is from China. She has no interest in religion of any kind but attends Mass with me and our children, aged 6 and 2. The counseling session last month went well and I felt like we made some real progress. This morning’s meeting started out well but suddenly veered off course and smashed into a brick wall so to speak. The issues? My wish to go to Sunday Mass each week and (2) my wish to have an hour to myself on my hard earned day off every 2 weeks.The 2nd ties into the first in a way.

The point of the therapist is that being a parent requires 110% of utter and absolute-binding selflessness. OK, I agree. But this means that the notion of even thinking of having an hour to myself is selfish and needs to be rooted out. WHAT?! Also, the idea of going to Mass each week needs to be thrown out the window and crushed by a steam roller. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Have to get rid off this religion thing, the therapist said. My absolute duty is with my children. That means giving up EVERYTHING else. This is what I signed on to do when my wife and I had children, she said. I told the therapist that I am Catholic and Catholics believe going to church each week. “Would the Church want your weekly Mass attendance if it caused your marriage to suffer?” the therapist angrily shot back. I was floored.

The session wrapped up with the psychologist shaking her head like I just “didn’t get it.”
 
Where did you find this fruit-cake therapist? How long does it take to attend Mass each Sunday? Including travel time, probably no more than two hours. That two hours going to Mass with your family is going to damage your marriage? Oh please! And she’s suggesting that you’re a bad parent because you need an hour of “mental health” time every two weeks? Does your wife agree with the therapist?

The fact that you are going to a therapist suggests that there are other issues at play here. But I’d start be getting a new therapist. Seems like she’s the one who just doesn’t get it.

Edit: Your profile says “Episcopalian” but in your post you identify yourself as a Catholic. :confused:
 
BettyBoop416 said:
Where did you find this fruit-cake therapist? How long does it take to attend Mass each Sunday? Including travel time, probably no more than two hours. That two hours going to Mass with your family is going to damage your marriage? Oh please! And she’s suggesting that you’re a bad parent because you need an hour of “mental health” time every two weeks? Does your wife agree with the therapist?

The fact that you are going to a therapist suggests that there are other issues at play here. But I’d start be getting a new therapist. Seems like she’s the one who just doesn’t get it.

Edit: Your profile says “Episcopalian” but in your post you identify yourself as a Catholic. :confused:
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Thanks!! Ah, I haven’t been here on this site for quite some time! Need to change that religion status.
 
I am sorry that this happened to you. If I were you, I would look for a Christian therapist who shares your basic values. My sister is a certified family counselor, and she always asks her clients about their religious background. She encourages them to return to the practice of their faith, and to go to confession if they are Catholic. She thinks that when the client feels that they are getting right with God, that it will help them in their other relationships. Ask your pastor for the name of a good Christian therapist. I am sure that he has made many referrals.
 
Marysann said:
I am sorry that this happened to you. If I were you, I would look for a Christian therapist who shares your basic values. My sister is a certified family counselor, and she always asks her clients about their religious background. She encourages them to return to the practice of their faith, and to go to confession if they are Catholic. She thinks that when the client feels that they are getting right with God, that it will help them in their other relationships. Ask your pastor for the name of a good Christian therapist. I am sure that he has made many referrals.
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Thank you so, Marysann. A priest friend just recommended the website catholictherapists.com/
 
it is selfish of your wife not to take the kids to mass. its their eternal souls thats at stake.
 
saveusfromhell said:
it is selfish of your wife not to take the kids to mass. its their eternal souls thats at stake.
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I agree. Going to weekly Mass is not the same thing as going to the gym or doing yoga (like the therapist said today). I am trying hard to change my family’s attitude toward church and religion right now. We are making progress. Two weeks ago was our first Mass together as a family.But last week I went by myself.
 
I am sorry to hear the news of your situation and the councelor. Check out your archdioces for councelors. As far as the leisure time goes, everyone as a human being needs liesure time. There has to be a balance of first of all God and then family time for your wife and your children and time for work and liesure on a daily basis. Its scary to see that the counselor doesnt recommend time for liesure and by the looks of it one hour every two weeks is not a good balance. How many hours do you work each week? If work is taking up most of your time, it easy to neglect God, family and leisure.
 
Contact your parish and see if they can refer you to a decent therapist, because the one you have now is off her rocker.
 
What a quack. I’m so sorry you had to go through this—it likely gave your wife some validation for what it undeniably the wrong mindset.
 
LittleFlower378 said:
I am sorry to hear the news of your situation and the councelor. Check out your archdioces for councelors. As far as the leisure time goes, everyone as a human being needs liesure time. There has to be a balance of first of all God and then family time for your wife and your children and time for work and liesure on a daily basis. Its scary to see that the counselor doesnt recommend time for liesure and by the looks of it one hour every two weeks is not a good balance. How many hours do you work each week? If work is taking up most of your time, it easy to neglect God, family and leisure.
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Thanks, Matt, it was truly an abusive counseling session. Many people work more hours than I. I will put in no more than 48-50 hours a week including nights and Saturdays.
 
Ophelia23 said:
What a quack. I’m so sorry you had to go through this—it likely gave your wife some validation for what it undeniably the wrong mindset.
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Thank you, Ophelia. It did give my wife lots of ammunition for her belief that church attendance is purely a leisure pursuit and that leisure time, in general, is unacceptable.
 
TranquilAbiding said:
The point of the therapist is that being a parent requires 110% of utter and absolute-binding selflessness. OK, I agree. But this means that the notion of even thinking of having an hour to myself is selfish and needs to be rooted out. WHAT?! Also, the idea of going to Mass each week needs to be thrown out the window and crushed by a steam roller. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Have to get rid off this religion thing, the therapist said. My absolute duty is with my children. That means giving up EVERYTHING else.
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Everything? Even … meetings with a therapist?

Seriously, if you, as you should, are bringing your children with you, then what’s the problem? Your therapy sessions are sans children, so they are worse by that definition. Of course, working on you marriage is important and that is FOR your children, but so is Mass (as others have pointed out).
 
Agree that therapist is wrong. God first, spouse second, kids after that.
 
TranquilAbiding said:
My wife and I went to our second session of marriage counseling this morning for this year. I am a Catholic convert and my wife is from China. She has no interest in religion of any kind but attends Mass with me and our children, aged 6 and 2. The counseling session last month went well and I felt like we made some real progress. This morning’s meeting started out well but suddenly veered off course and smashed into a brick wall so to speak. The issues? My wish to go to Sunday Mass each week and (2) my wish to have an hour to myself on my hard earned day off every 2 weeks.The 2nd ties into the first in a way.

The point of the therapist is that being a parent requires 110% of utter and absolute-binding selflessness. OK, I agree. But this means that the notion of even thinking of having an hour to myself is selfish and needs to be rooted out. WHAT?! Also, the idea of going to Mass each week needs to be thrown out the window and crushed by a steam roller. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Have to get rid off this religion thing, the therapist said. My absolute duty is with my children. That means giving up EVERYTHING else. This is what I signed on to do when my wife and I had children, she said. I told the therapist that I am Catholic and Catholics believe going to church each week. “Would the Church want your weekly Mass attendance if it caused your marriage to suffer?” the therapist angrily shot back. I was floored.

The session wrapped up with the psychologist shaking her head like I just “didn’t get it.”
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When people don’t have God to worship they worship the creature. And that is what this psychologist is asking you to do. The therapist is the one who is selfish since he or she is giving absolutely zero consideration to the fact that religion is deeply important to the large majority of people in the world. God is always faithful, but we can’t say the same for the people in our life. Someone can give 110% to their wife, and their wife can then leave them anyway. Then they are devastated because they had given the entire meaning of their life to their relationship with this person. But if we have God and realized that people are imperfect and not to be worshiped then when they let us down in some way we aren’t so devastated because we have God to fall back on. And realizing that we are not gods and that we mere mortals are prone to error makes it easier to forgive.
 
It’s odd that your counseling went in that particular direction.

My question would be, does your wife get adequate (name removed by moderator)ut into the rest of the family schedule and does she get free time, too, that you defend just as zealously? Your hour to yourself is not fair if your wife doesn’t have the same opportunity.

Also, it’s a little weird for a counselor, of all people, to urge putting in 110% to family life 24/7. I would think that a counselor would be quite aware that that is a trainwreck in the making. That is a sign of a bad counselor.

I think you can find a better counselor, even a better secular counselor. If you were a crazed train hobbyist (rather than just a guy who wants to go to Mass once a week), a good secular counselor would help you to figure out how much time is fair to devote to your hobby and how to involve your family in it, rather than telling you to drop it completely.
 
TranquilAbiding said:
Thanks, Matt, it was truly an abusive counseling session. Many people work more hours than I. I will put in no more than 48-50 hours a week including nights and Saturdays.
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I understand. When your wife has no interest in religion it doesnt help that the counselor is telling your family to stay away from the mass. I dont mean to pry here and I do not know your whole circumstance but 48-50 hours a week seems like alot especially with 2 young kids. Does 48-50 hours a week include travel? Does your wife work? Does she get some leisure time for herself? Do you spend a good amount of time with your wife? You do no have to answer all these questions. I am not a counselor but I have gone through my own marital problems and they sound kind of similar. I hope you and your family the best… I will say some prayers for you if you do the same for me 🙂
 
Xantippe said:
It’s odd that your counseling went in that particular direction.

My question would be, does your wife get adequate (name removed by moderator)ut into the rest of the family schedule and does she get free time, too, that you defend just as zealously? Your hour to yourself is not fair if your wife doesn’t have the same opportunity.

Also, it’s a little weird for a counselor, of all people, to urge putting in 110% to family life 24/7. I would think that a counselor would be quite aware that that is a trainwreck in the making. That is a sign of a bad counselor.

I think you can find a better counselor, even a better secular counselor. If you were a crazed train hobbyist (rather than just a guy who wants to go to Mass once a week), a good secular counselor would help you to figure out how much time is fair to devote to your hobby and how to involve your family in it, rather than telling you to drop it completely.
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👍 good points.
 
TranquilAbiding said:

“It did give my wife lots of ammunition for her belief that church attendance is purely a leisure pursuit and that leisure time, in general, is unacceptable.”

Oooooh. If that’s your wife’s problem, then this counselor is particularly bad for your situation.

Here is a suggestion for couples’ reading for you guys: Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. I think your wife may initially treat it as a how-to to drive her husband and children (and she may REALLY like it for that), but by the time you get to the end of the book, Chua’s theories about raising perfect children are in shreds. Don’t mention that in advance. Read and discuss as it comes up, bringing up the fact that she is doing to you what Amy Chua tried to do with her kids. Also, mention that in our culture, it is expected for good husbands to have hobbies. My husband, for instance, putters around with woodworking, optics, programming, astronomy, archery, and whatever else strikes his fancy. Best of all, he has over the years included our kids more and more into his hobbies, which are often very educational. There have been times (especially when the kids were your kids’ age) when I was exasperated by all of his interests, but eventually I noticed 1) the programming is making money and 2) he’s doing it with the kids! 3) the other stuff doesn’t cost a lot of money. I also think that a middle aged guy should have hobbies other than cheap blondes and expensive cars.
 
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