Marriage Counseling Session Gone Bad

[masondoggy]

Time to ditch the counselor. That is completely unprofessional behavior. A counselor shouldn’t be “taking sides” like that for one thing and certainly should be respectful of each spouse’s cultural and religious needs/beliefs.

I also suspect that there is a bit of a cultural difference problem here due to differences in what constitutes “leisure” time and the importance of it that a good marriage counselor should be able to recognize and handle appropriately. If you don’t recognize and address the cultural differences in your marriage, you’re heading for trouble.

Additionally, I wouldn’t pressure your wife to attend Mass with you if she doesn’t want to do it on her own. Make sure she knows that it’s OK with you if she doesn’t attend. If she’s going only to please you, it’s only going to contribute to your problems.

 

[Xantippe]

masondoggy said:

“I also suspect that there is a bit of a cultural difference problem here due to differences in what constitutes “leisure” time and the importance of it that a good marriage counselor should be able to recognize and handle appropriately. If you don’t recognize and address the cultural differences in your marriage, you’re heading for trouble.”

Yes.

“Additionally, I wouldn’t pressure your wife to attend Mass with you if she doesn’t want to do it on her own. Make sure she knows that it’s OK with you if she doesn’t attend. If she’s going only to please you, it’s only going to contribute to your problems.”

Very true. And take at least one child when you do so.

If she’s a really Type A, hard-charging type, she may really miss you guys while you’re at Mass and not know what to do with herself without you. That’s not bad–let her miss you if she doesn’t come to Mass.

 

[TranquilAbiding]

Thank you everybody for your excellent responses! Thank you. I will respond later. Just want to say right now that I have never in my life of 40 years been told that going to church on a regular, consistent basis, whether by myself or with my family, is a self-centered, selfish activity that should be rooted out. It absolutely boggles my mind.

 

[EasterJoy]

My wife and I went to our second session of marriage counseling this morning for this year. I am a Catholic convert and my wife is from China. She has no interest in religion of any kind but attends Mass with me and our children, aged 6 and 2. The counseling session last month went well and I felt like we made some real progress. This morning’s meeting started out well but suddenly veered off course and smashed into a brick wall so to speak. The issues? My wish to go to Sunday Mass each week and (2) my wish to have an hour to myself on my hard earned day off every 2 weeks.The 2nd ties into the first in a way.

The point of the therapist is that being a parent requires 110% of utter and absolute-binding selflessness. OK, I agree. But this means that the notion of even thinking of having an hour to myself is selfish and needs to be rooted out. WHAT?! Also, the idea of going to Mass each week needs to be thrown out the window and crushed by a steam roller. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Have to get rid off this religion thing, the therapist said. My absolute duty is with my children. That means giving up EVERYTHING else. This is what I signed on to do when my wife and I had children, she said. I told the therapist that I am Catholic and Catholics believe going to church each week. “Would the Church want your weekly Mass attendance if it caused your marriage to suffer?” the therapist angrily shot back. I was floored.

The session wrapped up with the psychologist shaking her head like I just “didn’t get it.”

Does she realize that when your wife “signed on” to marry a Catholic, she explicitly signed on to accommodate the practice of your faith and your obligation to hand the faith on to your children? If you and she obtained the dispensation to marry, that was in the explanations, up front.

She told a Catholic that the weekly obligation to attend Mass and the parental obligation to raise children in the Catholic faith is selfish? Not only would I get a new therapist; I’d send a letter of protest to the licensing board.

Any therapist who claims that parents ought to take no time to themselves needs to be fired. The question ought to have been to your wife, to ask what she is going to do with when she takes the time she needs for herself. What on earth kind of marriage counselor makes the odd presumption that a committed parent and spouse will need no personal time, or would berate a client for wanting one hour on alternate weeks?

A therapist who uses derogatory language, including derogatory body language, with a client also deserves to be replaced. That was not therapy. That was dictation of the terms of your life according to her personal standards, not the standards of her profession. That is not acceptable.

 

[masondoggy]

Thank you everybody for your excellent responses! Thank you. I will respond later. Just want to say right now that I have never in my life of 40 years been told that going to church on a regular, consistent basis, whether by myself or with my family, is a self-centered, selfish activity that should be rooted out. It absolutely boggles my mind.

Personally, I think a person making demands and expectations on their spouse to totally abandon their religious duties and practices that are important to them is what is selfish.

The most important thing for a strong marriage is mutual respect. If spouses can’t respect what is important to each other and support each other, they will never, ever survive.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree. Going to weekly Mass is not the same thing as going to the gym or doing yoga (like the therapist said today). I am trying hard to change my family’s attitude toward church and religion right now. We are making progress. Two weeks ago was our first Mass together as a family.But last week I went by myself.

It boggles my mind that a therapist would even imply that a client needs to give up yoga or the gym, when it is only once a week, as if that is a frivolous hobby. Good grief.

I’m married to a non-Catholic; going to Mass alone and taking the children alone is often part of the bargain. Not always, but probably more often than not. Most people I know married to non-Catholics consider it a favor if their spouse attends Mass occasionally, unless regular attendance was a specific understanding they had when they married.

 

[Artar1]

TranquilAbiding,

I’m sorry to hear of your experience.

I’m clinically trained.

Your therapist committed malpractice. Stop seeing her immediately. You have grounds for filing a complaint with your state’s health services department, or a similar agency.

Find another therapist, preferably one who will not commit such a gross countertransference. She has a serious anti-religion bent.

Does your wife have any religious/spiritual affiliation? That would include ancestor worship or a belief in Buddhism, Taoism, or Confucianism. You need to find some common ground.

 

[ClearWater]

You need to go to a different counselor right away! That was NOT okay!
Now, if you’re Catholic, Catholic Social Services has Catholic Counselors. It sometimes DOES make a difference, as you’re seeing.

The counselor might even be an atheist! How could you possibly begin to have an atheist counsel you about matters of faith?

If you can’t find a counselor of your faith, make sure your counselor is at least open to your faith…is a person of faith, or at least will not hold your faith against you.

 

[masondoggy]

I don’t think that a counselor of faith is necessary. In fact, I think it could do more harm than good by making his wife defensive or feel like she’s not on equal footing. What IS important is a counselor who will be professional, impartial and help this couple tackle their difference in a way that will meet BOTH of their needs and then find common ground.

 

[mdgspencer]

A family member of mine had a bad marriage counselor. It became apparent during this experience that such an advisor can be harmful. To protect your marriage, you ought to find a different one. I agree with the other people here.

 

[acadiANNA]

1. Counselors are not allowed to favor one spouse and not the other. They are supposed to put the subject on the table, have a discussion, offer advice, give food for thought, and let the couple make the decision on how to solve the problem. They are only a helper. Yes, do change counselor. Try Catholic Charities.-------
2. You need time to expand your mind by doing what you like to do. It’s called living. Prayer time, yoga, reading…it will make you a better person and better parent.
3. I love daily Mass and attend as often as I can.
   May God in His infinite love watch over you and your family and bring peace in this situation, through Jesus Christ, our Lord.

 

[GenerationHV]

Would you consider going and taking the children? This would leave her a 1 hour break.

Or do you NEED her there to control the kids! ( and if so, does she know this?)

Does she work outside the home?

 

[nodito]

I agree. Going to weekly Mass is not the same thing as going to the gym or doing yoga (like the therapist said today).

Seriously? She even considers exercise selfish? And what happens to the kids when husband drops dead of a heart attack or becomes too out of shape to play with them at the park? Obviously Mass is more important than gym time, but I find it suprising that a secularist would argue against exercise.

Ditch the therapist.

 

[JackieO123]

What a nutjob!

 

[TranquilAbiding]

I am sorry that this happened to you. If I were you, I would look for a Christian therapist who shares your basic values. My sister is a certified family counselor, and she always asks her clients about their religious background. She encourages them to return to the practice of their faith, and to go to confession if they are Catholic. She thinks that when the client feels that they are getting right with God, that it will help them in their other relationships. Ask your pastor for the name of a good Christian therapist. I am sure that he has made many referrals.

Thank you for the good advice, Marysann.

 

[TranquilAbiding]

When people don’t have God to worship they worship the creature. And that is what this psychologist is asking you to do. The therapist is the one who is selfish since he or she is giving absolutely zero consideration to the fact that religion is deeply important to the large majority of people in the world. God is always faithful, but we can’t say the same for the people in our life. Someone can give 110% to their wife, and their wife can then leave them anyway. Then they are devastated because they had given the entire meaning of their life to their relationship with this person. But if we have God and realized that people are imperfect and not to be worshiped then when they let us down in some way we aren’t so devastated because we have God to fall back on. And realizing that we are not gods and that we mere mortals are prone to error makes it easier to forgive.

So true, livingwordunity. Thank you.

 

[TranquilAbiding]

It’s odd that your counseling went in that particular direction.

My question would be, does your wife get adequate (name removed by moderator)ut into the rest of the family schedule and does she get free time, too, that you defend just as zealously? Your hour to yourself is not fair if your wife doesn’t have the same opportunity.

Also, it’s a little weird for a counselor, of all people, to urge putting in 110% to family life 24/7. I would think that a counselor would be quite aware that that is a trainwreck in the making. That is a sign of a bad counselor.

I think you can find a better counselor, even a better secular counselor. If you were a crazed train hobbyist (rather than just a guy who wants to go to Mass once a week), a good secular counselor would help you to figure out how much time is fair to devote to your hobby and how to involve your family in it, rather than telling you to drop it completely.

Yes, all true Xantippe My wife does take her free time when she feels she needs it.

 

[TranquilAbiding]

Looks like step 1 is throwing out the therapist and finding a good one.

Dr. Ray Guarendi - He’s on EWTN, maybe his site would help.

drray.com

Thanks for the website, ffg.

 

[TranquilAbiding]

I understand. When your wife has no interest in religion it doesnt help that the counselor is telling your family to stay away from the mass. I dont mean to pry here and I do not know your whole circumstance but 48-50 hours a week seems like alot especially with 2 young kids. Does 48-50 hours a week include travel? Does your wife work? Does she get some leisure time for herself? Do you spend a good amount of time with your wife? You do no have to answer all these questions. I am not a counselor but I have gone through my own marital problems and they sound kind of similar. I hope you and your family the best… I will say some prayers for you if you do the same for me

Thanks, Matt. Yes, please pray for me! I will pray for you. My wife works, too.

 

[TranquilAbiding]

TranquilAbiding said:

“It did give my wife lots of ammunition for her belief that church attendance is purely a leisure pursuit and that leisure time, in general, is unacceptable.”

Oooooh. If that’s your wife’s problem, then this counselor is particularly bad for your situation.

Here is a suggestion for couples’ reading for you guys: Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. I think your wife may initially treat it as a how-to to drive her husband and children (and she may REALLY like it for that), but by the time you get to the end of the book, Chua’s theories about raising perfect children are in shreds. Don’t mention that in advance. Read and discuss as it comes up, bringing up the fact that she is doing to you what Amy Chua tried to do with her kids. Also, mention that in our culture, it is expected for good husbands to have hobbies. My husband, for instance, putters around with woodworking, optics, programming, astronomy, archery, and whatever else strikes his fancy. Best of all, he has over the years included our kids more and more into his hobbies, which are often very educational. There have been times (especially when the kids were your kids’ age) when I was exasperated by all of his interests, but eventually I noticed 1) the programming is making money and 2) he’s doing it with the kids! 3) the other stuff doesn’t cost a lot of money. I also think that a middle aged guy should have hobbies other than cheap blondes and expensive cars.

Thanks, Xantippe! We have discussed the book you speak of. Glad you support husbands having hobbies!!