My mother-in-law, a widow, has lived with us for over ten years. With that experience, I will say this: it has been wonderful having my husband’s mother live with us. It has been especially great for her and our kids. Even though it has taken some give and take on both sides, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
Now that she is getting frail and given up driving, it is actually less intrusive on her life for us to be able to take care of her here. We do have a fairly large house, though, so that we can all choose to withdraw to our own space when we need to. She also lived very nearby, so she didn’t have to give up her friends to live with us. Actually, she is closer to most of them here than before she moved. You also have to take what there is and not force what is not there. My MIL is a dear, we discuss quite a few things, but we are not each other’s close confidants. In theory, that could work for some, but it did just did not work out that way for us. You have to be able to let that kind of thing go.
It also depends a lot on the personalities involved. I don’t think I could live with my own mom, I don’t think my dad could stand living with me, unless it were literally a choice between me and a nursing home, and I don’t think my husband could have coped living with his dad. I know my husband’s dad would have gone nuts, had he had to live with my husband’s paternal grandmother. It would have been very ugly. Certainly having one parent move in would also be a lot easier than if it is a couple. That quadruples the dynamics to be navigated.
Have them as guests for a week. If the fit isn’t very good, be very concerned. It is great when it works, but it isn’t for everybody. But if you think you’d like it, invite them to consider it. If they don’t want to, though, do not take it personally. They really should have room to decline without hard feelings. There aren’t a lot of people who are well-suited to be the roommates of the people they raised!
PS We lived with my MIL in her house for over a year before moving to our present house. It was after a few months of living in those close quarters that the three of us decided this could work out quite nicely…and had those first months not worked out, we would have moved to the new place and she would have stayed where she was or gotten herself another place. If it is possible, then, a built-in “no fault exit strategy” is the ideal.
