Marriage Crisis

[chickydum1985]

Hi all who read this and thanks for taking the time to read my post.

i have been married to my husband since 2009 we have children together but for almost the entire majority of our married life we have been apart due to visa restrictions. He is currently in the USA and myself in Europe. That in itself has been hard as we have been apart since early 2010 and i have seen him once for two weeks since then back in 2011.

When we married we were both down the path towards becoming/talked about becoming Jewish. I have since May this year have realized my mistake and I am already in the process of completing my RCIA classes which is great but since the beginning of the marriage things have been happening which I had not expected for him to do but I have forgiven him and tried to move on always.

Long story short my husband is now Atheist and although he said I can get our Children Baptized and bring them up as Catholic he is a changed person even more so than when we first met. He has referred to one of our children who has special needs as retarded and me as being a long range of names I wouldn’t and couldn’t post on here. He has often stopped talking to me and our children for months at a time on the phone and has recently been saying things like the below:

He’s going to put the contraceptive pill in my food or drink

Kids will be made to know what he believes and will not be Catholic by the time they are 8.

He has accused me of having an affair constantly with anyone and any man

He says he is going to Divorce me one day and then the next he says no he won’t but after 5 minutes of talking he repeats it again and has even gone to the lengths of finding someone to help him do it and the costs of it.

He says if he cannot tell the kids that “there is no god” then he wants to sign over full parental custody of the children to me and he will just go out there and make his own new ones. (actually said that).

I am mentally worn down with the struggle and battle and I feel I’ve already lost my husband as there is no conversation between us and we are like strangers when we talk. He has in the past left me to be looking after the children myself whilst going out drinking, was violent when drunk. Been on dating websites and messaging girls.

I have spoke to a few priests regarding this and they say it sounds like you are better off without him but I never wanted it to end in divorce and to be a single parent but although technically i have been raising the kids by myself bar the 9 months he was around.

I have not had the best of pasts and had been struggling with that but now on top a failed marriage and the only solution to solve this is me not becoming Catholic but I cannot do that I love God with all my heart and although I feel the pain now if it has to be I will be alone as I have tried so hard to try and make things work with him but he tells me to lose the faith or lose him.

After the last round of mind games and torture and name calling I cannot talk to him as at this moment whilst writing this I feel like I’m breaking down and I cannot afford to do that with the Children needing me.

I don’t know what to do for best but I am hurting a lot at the moment and have nobody to talk to about this as nobody knows what is happening on my family and friends side.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Chicky,

I am sorry you are going through this; no one should be made to feel the way he is making you feel. My view is trying to destroy your marriage. All that he is saying to you is very hurtful, disrespectful, and crewel and you deserve better! Do not call him, let him call you and if he starts with his diatribe again tell him that you will not talk to him until he can act like a man who has respect for his wife. If the abuse still continues - talk to your priest at your Church about an annulment. Even though you have not completed your RCIA you may still be able to start the process.

You seem like a nice caring woman, for putting up with all that abuse for so long. But you deserve better and your children deserve better! I am sure you would not want your sons growing up to be like him or have your daughters growing up thinking that his behavior is acceptable and that is how a wife should be treated.

You have taken the first step – talked (or posted) to others looking for advice / assistance. The next step is to look out for your best interest and that of your children. My view is divorce him and get an annulment – then find a real man that will care for you and treat you as a woman should be by her husband, with love and respect.

This is also the view from a Man – so the selfish, immature, child that has manifested itself in your husband is not that of a man. Drop him.

I pray that God will grant you strength and peace – and when you do find that special one: love and happiness.

Winter

 

[Xantippe]

Your husband sounds more than a little nuts. I just about never say this, but a civil divorce sounds like a really good first step in dealing with your situation.

Get a lawyer, talk to a priest, and see a therapist until your situation stabilizes. You may also want to look around for (or form) a support group for single parents.

Best wishes!

 

[ClearWater]

That’s so hard. I’m sorry this has been happening.

I will say a prayer for you and your family.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

 

[phil19034]

I have not had the best of pasts and had been struggling with that but now on top a failed marriage and **the only solution to solve this is me not becoming Catholic **but I cannot do that I love God with all my heart and although I feel the pain now if it has to be I will be alone as I have tried so hard to try and make things work with him but he tells me to lose the faith or lose him.

Hello Chicky,
I’m so sorry that you must deal with this. But I can say that “not becoming Catholic” will not solve your issues. Your husband sounds very selfish. If you do not become Catholic, it will be something else that he will use to cause you emotional harm.

I suggest the following Catholic website, www.maritalhealing.com

I also suggest listening to the following radio broadcast from Catholic Answers, from last night. Catholic Answers Live - Mastery Over Selfishness.

I pray that you and your husband can work things out, but you need to do what’s best for your children. You might be better off without him. Continue to speak to priests and talk to them about the possiblity of an annulment.

I will remember you during my prayers.

God Bless you and your children.

 

[Xantippe]

If he weren’t your husband, this is not a person that you would want either in your home or near your children.

If he wanted to be together with you and the kids, he would have figured out how to do that years ago.

You’re going to have a very hard time raising your children alone, but from what you’ve said, it sounds like it would be even more difficult if you were together.

Best wishes!

 

[PhiloMed]

Your husband sounds more than a little nuts. I just about never say this, but a civil divorce sounds like a really good first step in dealing with your situation.

I agree with all of this. Only you can decide what will be best for you and your family, but the picture you painted is very ugly and this does not seem like a good person to have in your life- husband or not.

 

[His_helpmeet]

This is emotional abuse. Pure and simple.

I strongly, strongly recommend that the two of you seek marital counselling as soon as is convenient. Retrouvaille is a Catholic ministry that is intended to assist couples with serious marital issues; when you are able to get together you might consider going through the process if it is feasible to do so.

Unfortunately, if these measures fail, a civil divorce may be a requirement - in this case only to protect yourself and your children from further abuse from this man.

 

[chickydum1985]

Chicky,

I am sorry you are going through this; no one should be made to feel the way he is making you feel. My view is trying to destroy your marriage. All that he is saying to you is very hurtful, disrespectful, and crewel and you deserve better! Do not call him, let him call you and if he starts with his diatribe again tell him that you will not talk to him until he can act like a man who has respect for his wife. If the abuse still continues - talk to your priest at your Church about an annulment. Even though you have not completed your RCIA you may still be able to start the process.

You seem like a nice caring woman, for putting up with all that abuse for so long. But you deserve better and your children deserve better! I am sure you would not want your sons growing up to be like him or have your daughters growing up thinking that his behavior is acceptable and that is how a wife should be treated.

You have taken the first step – talked (or posted) to others looking for advice / assistance. The next step is to look out for your best interest and that of your children. My view is divorce him and get an annulment – then find a real man that will care for you and treat you as a woman should be by her husband, with love and respect.

This is also the view from a Man – so the selfish, immature, child that has manifested itself in your husband is not that of a man. Drop him.

I pray that God will grant you strength and peace – and when you do find that special one: love and happiness.

Winter

Thank you so much first of all for taking the time to comment on my post. I don’t like to show him in a negative light which is why none of my family know about it. I just want what is best for my children and he wants what he wants and nothing else seems to matter. I don’t know if i could divorce him i would hate for my children to grow up thinking i’ve destroyed the home. I never wanted any of this and just wanted to have a family.

Thank you for your advice and i think i will speak to a priest again and see if i can find some sort of way through this.

Oh I am not perfect far from it I’ve been angry back but I could never have treated him like he has done to me ever.

Thank you Winter

God bless

 

[chickydum1985]

Your husband sounds more than a little nuts. I just about never say this, but a civil divorce sounds like a really good first step in dealing with your situation.

Get a lawyer, talk to a priest, and see a therapist until your situation stabilizes. You may also want to look around for (or form) a support group for single parents.

Best wishes!

Thank you for taking your time to comment on my post. Divorce would be awful but if it happens it will be because of him i think. I will take your advice on maybe seeking a therapist as i think it would be good for me and the support group sounds like a good idea thank you.

God bless

 

[chickydum1985]

That’s so hard. I’m sorry this has been happening.

I will say a prayer for you and your family.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

Thank you ClearWater

God bless

 

[chickydum1985]

Hello Chicky,
I’m so sorry that you must deal with this. But I can say that “not becoming Catholic” will not solve your issues. Your husband sounds very selfish. If you do not become Catholic, it will be something else that he will use to cause you emotional harm.

I suggest the following Catholic website, www.maritalhealing.com

I also suggest listening to the following radio broadcast from Catholic Answers, from last night. Catholic Answers Live - Mastery Over Selfishness.

I pray that you and your husband can work things out, but you need to do what’s best for your children. You might be better off without him. Continue to speak to priests and talk to them about the possiblity of an annulment.

I will remember you during my prayers.

God Bless you and your children.

Thank you for taking the time to comment on my post I agree it isn’t really the answer to not just become Catholic as you said it will probably be something else he will use then. Thank you for the links i will have a look and listen to the radiocast.

It is the children and their salvation i want for them that matters if it means sacrificing my marriage for that then if it has to be it will be.

Thank you for your prayers

God bless

 

[chickydum1985]

If he weren’t your husband, this is not a person that you would want either in your home or near your children.

If he wanted to be together with you and the kids, he would have figured out how to do that years ago.

You’re going to have a very hard time raising your children alone, but from what you’ve said, it sounds like it would be even more difficult if you were together.

Best wishes!

Thank you for your time in reading and replying to my post and for your straight talking and you are right i wouldn’t let anyone else like that near them so why let him be like this. You are right about him finding a way because he has never bothered and just did nothing and i had fought through a visa application and a court case to bring him here and even sorting out all the paper work and documents down to him reapplying for his passport as he couldn’t do it. I guess you kinda answered and made me see things a bit clearer.

God bless

 

[chickydum1985]

This is emotional abuse. Pure and simple.

I strongly, strongly recommend that the two of you seek marital counselling as soon as is convenient. Retrouvaille is a Catholic ministry that is intended to assist couples with serious marital issues; when you are able to get together you might consider going through the process if it is feasible to do so.

Unfortunately, if these measures fail, a civil divorce may be a requirement - in this case only to protect yourself and your children from further abuse from this man.

Thank you for taking your time to comment I have asked him about it a few times and he says that I am the only one with problems and not him. He has said he is not coming here any more but if anything we have to go over there and I am to stay in the USA illegally and the children we be US citizens anyways and thats how we are to live. I have not even thought to do that as i think i would be trapped then and he has said many a time that the children to leave the USA would require written permission from both parents until they are 18.

 

[chickydum1985]

I agree with all of this. Only you can decide what will be best for you and your family, but the picture you painted is very ugly and this does not seem like a good person to have in your life- husband or not.

I don’t like to paint people in bad lights thats why i have not said anything to family at all about him and just on here and to the priests at the Parish. He used to be nice until I fell pregnant with our oldest child and it was like a switch gone off inside of him and it has never been turned back on.

 

[Xantippe]

chickydum1985 said:

“I don’t know if i could divorce him i would hate for my children to grow up thinking i’ve destroyed the home. I never wanted any of this and just wanted to have a family.”

You’ll want to work out in counseling how to phrase this to your kids and how to talk about your husband to them. I don’t think they will blame you for destroying their home, as they probably don’t have memories of the two of you living together as parents for any length of time.

“He has said he is not coming here any more but if anything we have to go over there and I am to stay in the USA illegally and the children we be US citizens anyways and thats how we are to live. I have not even thought to do that as i think i would be trapped then and he has said many a time that the children to leave the USA would require written permission from both parents until they are 18.”

Definitely do not come to the US if it would create legal difficulties or prevent you from living where you have family and support.

How is his job situation?

Best wishes!

 

[iepuras]

What kind of visa restrictions are preventing you from getting an immigrant visa and a green card? I ask because I started the immigrant visa process for my European husband in 2008 and he got his visa after about 10 months. Because you are his wife, you have priority to obtain an immigrant visa and do not have to wait for a number. I did all the paperwork myself and never had to hire an attorney. It is really not that hard if you spend some time reading through all the documents and instructions. The fact that you don’t have one yet tells me that either you have a criminal record (which I doubt) or he doesn’t want to get you the visa and hasn’t actually worked on it.

In all honesty, it doesn’t sound like he is a true husband to you or a true father to your children. Divorcing him would not destroy your home because he isn’t actually a part of it. For all practical purposes, you are a single mother already. You have gotten good advice from the other posters. Get some help for yourself by talking to a counselor and a priest. Absolutely do not come to the U.S. and become illegal by overstaying a visitor’s visa given the situation with your husband. It would open you and your children up to further abuse and it would be more difficult to get help. It sounds like you and your children are better off close to your family.

 

[MJJean]

You say you don’t want to destroy your home and marriage and that you want what is best for your children.

From what I am reading, there is no home and marriage. There is you on one continent raising your children in a home alone with a father in name only and him on another continent abusing you long distance. What is best for the children is not a man who abuses their mother, abandons them for months and years at a time, and says cruel things about them, especially the special needs child.

File for divorce, obtain full custody of the children and any child support or alimony benefits allowed by law, start the annulment process, seek therapy either through the Church or through a secular therapist, and continue RCIA so that you can be received into the Church and receive graces through the Sacraments. Those graces will strengthen you and help you through the hard times.

I am currently in RCIA and have started the annulment process. I do not know about your country, but here in the US there has to be a civil divorce decree before one can begin the annulment process. Speak to your priest and see what the rules are where you live and begin the process as soon as you can. Someday you may meet a wonderful man who would be a true husband and a great father and you’ll want to be free to marry in the Church.

Good luck to you and God bless you and keep you.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Are either of you baptized? If not, this matter should be discussed with your pastor if you are seriously considering divorce. If you are not baptized, it might be advisable for you not to be received into the Church at this point since it allows for a marital dissolution (different from annulment). Your husband’s baptismal status also comes into play, hence the reason you’ll need to discuss this with your pastor.

 

[InigoMontoya]

Please take these issues to your Priest, you desperately need his assistance in discerning what to do next - I’m not sure if this is even a marriage. In the interim and continually so we will pray for you and your children.