Marriage crumbling, looking for advice

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Hi all - thanks in advance to anyone who reads this. It’s appreciated! I’ll try and cliff the basics on the relationship and detail what appears to be the current core issues.

TLDR on the below to encourage people to read: In one day I got promoted, found out my sister has cancer, passed my classes, then got told by my wife she wants a divorce.

Summary of relationship
  • Started dating in 2008
  • I moved around the world to her in 2009
  • Engaged in 2010
  • Married in 2011
We are financially stable and have a generally positive marriage with occasional down periods. We just bought a house together and we have 3 dogs. It’s been getting increasingly strained.

Core Issues
  • We have yet to consummate the marriage. She saved herself for marriage (strict Catholic upbringing) and is naive and inexperienced. I’m not much more experienced. When we tried on the wedding night she was so nervous that even 1 finger was too much. I failed to make her feel comfortable during various subsequent attempts. It got to the point we stopped trying and “made do” with oral and non-penetrative. Great strain from this that we never really discussed. I tried a few times and it upset her a lot, and she ended up shutting down and not wanting to even discuss it.
  • I made the conscious decision in 2012 to grind at work in order to improve my position, with the goal of being able to sole-provide for us so we can have children and she can stay at home. She wants to build a career but has been struggling with office politics. I just got promoted this week. This has caused tension. My prioritization of work (albeit for a “endgame” goal of family) has created a rift as she felt neglected.
  • She has battled undiagnosed depression over the past few years. It started in 2009 when she got fired and faced months of unemployment. She internalized her problems and let rip on me; I endured as I thought that meant I was being there for her. She doesn’t like her current job as a result of multiple “let downs” over the past two years. Great stress here, and she has become a very angry person.
  • I am someone who doesn’t stay angry and moves on very quickly. She holds grudges and does not forgive mistakes. This has caused friction (“you don’t even care!” etc). On my part I struggle because I hate that she will not forgive past mistakes.
  • Her first time moving out of her parents house was when we got married. She is not worldly and longs to travel now she is free of a sheltered upbringing. This has been an issue due to finances. Further to that I ****ed up on our first day home after marriage by playing Skyrim all day. She later told me how scared she was (first time away from parents home, etc). I didn’t pick up on this as I’ve never had issues being away from home having traveled a lot.
  • Her age. The impending 30 paired with our failed sex life is terrifying her.
  • I know she feels I’ve changed the way I talk to her over past years and have become a lot more negative. I am not aware of this but I am sure the above have taken a toll on me.
  • Working in the same place has caused some trouble; for example, I’ll be working and she’ll walk past carrying a box to her office from storage. I tended to keep working rather than help and that upset her. My mindset is that if we worked in other places I wouldn’t be there to help, so we shouldn’t make an exception just because we work at the same place.
  • I do not get along with my mother or sister, and she feels I will become towards her the way I am towards them.
  • She has a great pressure upon her from family (children, religion, success, career, etc). Asian.
I just read the above and I feel like I’m blaming her a lot. I am trying to keep this as unbiased as possible. I feel wronged at this time (see below) and it’s hard. I accept my failings (the biggest being my lack of empathy and the decision regarding work)

Current Predicament
On Wednesday she told me that she is not happy in our marriage and has been talking to someone online. I sensed it pretty much immediately as she suddenly started keeping her phone with her at all times and staying up all night “Facebooking”. They started talking 3 weeks ago after our wedding anniversary (I had to work late… We went to dinner around 9 PM but she was furious). It started as him consoling her and talking to her, but progressed when he stated that he thinks he loves her. Rather than draw the line there she said “I think I love you too”. It actually “ended” quite abruptly the next day when he ignored her or something… and she flipped out. She has since expressed a desire to me to meet this person IRL and see if there’s a connection. She has told me she loves me but is no longer sexually attracted to me due to my neglect over the past year and our failed attempts at a sex life. She has told me there are colleagues at work she’d rather sleep with than me. I’m crushed. Last night she told me she wants an annulment. She wants to live in our home together, not tell anyone until the annulment is confirmed (potentially 2 years +), but sleep in separate rooms and essentially be roommates at home but a couple in public. I’m outraged at this point.

Continued below…
 
My Stance
I am by no means a beta personality. I am confident in myself and know I’ll be just fine, if not better, without her. That said, I love her more than anything and want her to be by my side every day for the rest of my life. I am filled with so many emotions at this time that I do not know how to react. I’ve always internalized, considered, and then pushed forward and achieved my goals. All my dreams and plans that grew over the past years and currently dashed and I am utterly lost. I can see how my actions hurt her and that is tearing me apart.

My greatest frustration is I do not feel there has ever been a point where we’ve both tried to fix our issues. We’ve barely even discussed them. Our lack of communication and our inaction is my greatest regret. I am well aware of my actions that hurt the marriage, but hindsight is 20/20 and I did what I felt was right at the time. I could see the damage it was causing but convinced myself that an improved financial situation would allow us to mend our wounds and move forward stronger and more stable as a couple.

She is refusing to go to couples therapy. She is refusing to speak with a Priest (offered up due to her Catholic upbringing and the potential for annulment). She will not talk to friends or family.

I feel there is so much we can do to make things better. I feel she’s rushing a decision. I feel we need counselling, both independently and together. I think she’s got so much pent up frustration that she is unable to expense that it has taken her to breaking point. She admits she is unable to expel anger and that it “sits in a bottle”.

Help…
 
Wow. To say that you two need counseling is quite an understatement. Is your marriage crumbling or was it ever really a marriage?
 
I am sorry if that sounded harsh but it is a valid question that you need to face. There are multiple issues in play. Please talk to an experienced priest soon.
 
Hello OP,
Are you Catholic? It’s not immediately clear from your post.
Does your wife realize she is sinning by refusing to consummate the marriage? I don’t mean to sound harsh, but that’s an unfortunate fact.

If she will not consider therapy or speak with a priest, I strongly suggest you speak to one. She sounds like she has some emotional/mental health issues. Or maybe it’s a cultural difference – I’m not competent to judge.

But wanting to wait for an annulment while pretending you are still married – or that nothing is amiss – is bizarre. I doubt an annulment would take 2 years, since it hasn’t been consummated.

She owes it to you and herself to agree to counseling from a therapist or a priest. Aside from the marriage question, it sounds like you want children and she doesn’t. It sounds as if she doesn’t understand her Catholic faith very well.

I’m sorry that you’re going through all this, it sounds like it came down on you like a ton of bricks. But please do not sweep the problems under the table, they should have been dealt with when they first came up.
God bless.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
Wow. To say that you two need counseling is quite an understatement. Is your marriage crumbling or was it ever really a marriage?
Click to expand...
Code: 
 I'm sorry if it's seems negative,,,,, but I must agree with this comment....
Your in a sad place… Not through a natural fault of either of you…
But rather the fault of her parents by being so over protective…
If there is anything you can try is perhaps offer her a gentle shoulder massage…
If she is responsive to this then just gently take it further one small step at a time…
If she is non responsive … Then it maybe to late…
I would suggest treat her gently,speak to her gently, try counselling ,just be gentle in this approach as well…
My thoughts and Prayers are with you....
 
Viki63 said:
Hello OP,
Are you Catholic? It’s not immediately clear from your post.
Does your wife realize she is sinning by refusing to consummate the marriage? I don’t mean to sound harsh, but that’s an unfortunate fact.

If she will not consider therapy or speak with a priest, I strongly suggest you speak to one. She sounds like she has some emotional/mental health issues. Or maybe it’s a cultural difference – I’m not competent to judge.

But wanting to wait for an annulment while pretending you are still married – or that nothing is amiss – is bizarre. I doubt an annulment would take 2 years, since it hasn’t been consummated.

She owes it to you and herself to agree to counseling from a therapist or a priest. Aside from the marriage question, it sounds like you want children and she doesn’t. It sounds as if she doesn’t understand her Catholic faith very well.

I’m sorry that you’re going through all this, it sounds like it came down on you like a ton of bricks. But please do not sweep the problems under the table, they should have been dealt with when they first came up.
God bless.
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I was baptized in 2011. I went through the adult catechism with her at my side. I was previously agnostic and studied religion up to a University level. My tie to the Catholic faith is through her. I have a lot of mixed emotions over this.

I want to make clear: I do not feel initially she refused to consummate; we did try a handful of times. The failed attempts and her fear (literally laying there shaking one time…) really put a strain on us. I didn’t know how to react/fix? and over the past two years our “attempts” have slowed. I expressed that I felt she should speak to a councillor or alternate professional and she was a firm no. I know she fears judgement of others.
 
jcthrowaway said:
I was baptized in 2011. I went through the adult catechism with her at my side. I was previously agnostic and studied religion up to a University level. My tie to the Catholic faith is through her. I have a lot of mixed emotions over this.

I want to make clear: I do not feel initially she refused to consummate; we did try a handful of times. The failed attempts and her fear (literally laying there shaking one time…) really put a strain on us. I didn’t know how to react/fix? and over the past two years our “attempts” have slowed. I expressed that I felt she should speak to a councillor or alternate professional and she was a firm no. I know she fears judgement of others.
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Well she has great fear of the unknown because maybe her folks didn’t give her room to breath… Asian kids are made to study so much they have little time to discover there own mind and body, if you still share the same bed… Offer massage as this is a wonderful way to discover one another,
 
jcthrowaway said:
I was baptized in 2011. I went through the adult catechism with her at my side. I was previously agnostic and studied religion up to a University level. My tie to the Catholic faith is through her. I have a lot of mixed emotions over this.

I want to make clear: I do not feel initially she refused to consummate; we did try a handful of times. The failed attempts and her fear (literally laying there shaking one time…) really put a strain on us. I didn’t know how to react/fix? and over the past two years our “attempts” have slowed. I expressed that I felt she should speak to a councillor or alternate professional and she was a firm no. I know she fears judgement of others.
Click to expand...
I hope you will remain in the Catholic faith. It offers hope and support even in difficult circumstances, such as yours.

She does need to speak to a professional, does she have a female doctor? She may have a medical problem. Letting her marriage disintegrate, rather than trying to solve the problems, seems like more deserving of judgment. But certainly no good physician or psychiatrist will judge her, they will just try to help.
 
Hey guy;

I can see from your detailed post that yes… she has some problems, but we all do to varying degrees, so the bottom line is, if you really want to make things work, you have to be patient with her and yet, “take the bull by the horns” right now.

It’s hard to be patient, true, but it could really be worth it. In my opinion, you have to make a close connection with her right away, spend time talking and doing fun things together, then get the sex part squared away. Again, my opinion, but the reason your marriage isn’t working is because you have no intimacy. As young able, newlywed people, this connection was critical and should not have been allowed to go on like it has.

Sorry to be harsh, but get this straightened out if you want to save things, you have to be a strong man, loving, willing to be patient and yet work hard towards resolving your issues, including and especially intimacy.

Best Christmas wishes buddy.
 
Viki63 said:
I hope you will remain in the Catholic faith. It offers hope and support even in difficult circumstances, such as yours.

She does need to speak to a professional, does she have a female doctor? She may have a medical problem. Letting her marriage disintegrate, rather than trying to solve the problems, seems like more deserving of judgment. But certainly no good physician or psychiatrist will judge her, they will just try to help.
Click to expand...
She does not have a female doctor. She is 29 and has never been to a gynecologist. I have stressed the importance of this many times.
 
Please know that I will pray for you and your wife and that I am very sorry for your situation. There is nothing different I can say, you need to speak to a priest immediately. If you can go together, if not go by yourself. God bless you with courage and strength.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
I am so sorry. There are ways to get your roommate to relax, but clearly she isn’t interested. Honestly, this doesn’t sound like a marriage. She’ll need to own her decisions, though–pretending everything is fine until the annulment comes through is not cool.
 
My gosh! You both sound miserable together.

There is Retrovaille and counselors, preferably Catholic, through Catholic Charities.

If she refuses marriage counseling, why not go yourself, in the meantime, since you sound like you could benefit from it?

As to sleeping in separate bedrooms, yes, that’s a step often taken by couples when they are ready to head their separate ways. I know you are angry about it due to the lack of intimacy, but realize it’s because she wants out of that relationship.

If you are from 2 different cultures, there are no doubt cultural issues at play, as well, that you may not even know about. You could ask your counselor about cultural differences.

I know when I went to college, there was even a book out called, “Ethnicity and Family therapy” which would talk about the issues…for example…Asian man, American woman…Asian woman…American man…typical marital and family issues. I found that book VERY enlightening.

If there are problems outside the bedroom, they will tend to have a way of coming into the bedroom.

As to spending your first day married with the computer instead of her probably wasn’t the best way to start the relationship. I know my ex-husband also ignored me, and it really hurt. He spent more time with the computer than with me! I thought, “I lost my husband…not even to another woman but to a computer!” I felt like I didn’t exist to him. I was so disappointed!

One, from little, hears stories about Cinderella…Prince Charming…about what marriage will be like…that men will just sweep us off our feet. Then, we see people around going on these honeymoons, having these nice weddings, and seeming to really love each other.

Well, for men, that might work…spend all day on the computer, just want intimacy, go back to the computer. Well, for a woman, it can come across a little cold. In order to be able to respond, we often NEED reassurances and demonstration of love, not only sexually-related things.

To me, by going with the computer, it’s like you were telling her you didn’t care. Then, wanting sex later, it was like saying…oh…I don’t care, but I just want some sex. Maybe you, as a man, don’t see it that way. As a woman, I can see her point. She might even feel used.

A lot of men also mistakenly think that sex is all physical for the woman. It’s not. It’s mainly emotional. If there’s no emotional connection, women have difficulty making a physical one. They will typically need an emotional connection BEFORE anything physical can even happen. Doesn’t sound like that was established during the marriage.

To win her over, you would probably need to woe her, again. You would need to win…her heart! Try for her heart, mind, and soul rather than her body. If you can do that, you might also get her body.
 
You sounded surprised that your wife wanted a divorce. If I were in a relationship with no intimacy of any kind, physical or emotional, sleeping in separate bedrooms, I would not have been at all surprised. In fact, I would have been surprised if it didn’t happen.
 
I know you were angry, using the F-word, which you bleeped out on the screen. Do you regularly use strong language like this with her? I don’t think a woman, Asian woman especially, would probably be able to respond well to someone who used a lot of bad language.
 
Thank God you haven’t consummated the marriage. You need to get an annulment because your “wife” has never loved you the way a wife loves a husband. Take comfort that there is nothing you could have done to make this work.

No amount of therapy or sensitivity training or marriage counseling is going to fix this. Your chance of making this marriage work is 0%. And you should thank God for that, because this woman is bat**** crazy.
 
I don’t know. You said you wanted to make this work. Stop cussing. Asian women don’t like cussing.
 
First of all stop focusing on sex. Marriage is much much more than that.

If you want this to work, then love her. Treat her as if she were the most important person in your life and do all the things that you can to demonstrate this to her. Spend all your time with her. Talk to her. Compliment her. Do things for her.

Get to counselling. Suggest she discuss her inability to consummate with her doctor.
Don’t give up. Don’t keep pushing for sex, but hug her. Kiss her. Hold her. And keep finding ways to demonstrate your love for her every day in all that you do. I’ll pray for you both.
 
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