Marriage... Death... Remarriage

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James_2_24

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I just wanted to know how everyone feels about the subject of death and remarriage. I admit that this may sound a little selfish but I have a hard time thinking of my wife being with a another person if I died. On the other hand, I would not want her to be horrible the rest of her life over my death.

With that being said:

The thought of her saying all the things to another man that she would tell me, would make it feel like we had nothing unique. The thought of her making love with another man and being able to tell his person that he is the “one” for her, or “means the world to her.” Just doesn’t seem right to me.

Basically, one has to accept being a distant memory in this woman’s mind, slowly being erased by a new life and new memories.

I think of the times we would hold each other, be intimate, and have deep conversations. Then I think about the fact that these can be easily replaced with someone else, should I not be around. I can’t help but feel deep pain at that. It is the feeling of her “getting over” me.

I have a high respect for those who don’t remarry after the loss of a spouse. One such person would be my grandfather, who visited the grave of his deceased wife every sunday for 20-some years. To me that shows an undying devotion, love, and tells me she was truly irreplacable to him and that he did not want to dishonor her memory. There is something very heroic and honorable in that… It just seems right.
 
James_2:24:
I just wanted to know how everyone feels about the subject of death and remarriage. I admit that this may sound a little selfish but I have a hard time thinking of my wife being with a another person if I died. On the other hand, I would not want her to be horrible the rest of her life over my death.

With that being said:

The thought of her saying all the things to another man that she would tell me, would make it feel like we had nothing unique. The thought of her making love with another man and being able to tell his person that he is the “one” for her, or “means the world to her.” Just doesn’t seem right to me.

Basically, one has to accept being a distant memory in this woman’s mind, slowly being erased by a new life and new memories.

I think of the times we would hold each other, be intimate, and have deep conversations. Then I think about the fact that these can be easily replaced with someone else, should I not be around. I can’t help but feel deep pain at that. It is the feeling of her “getting over” me.

I have a high respect for those who don’t remarry after the loss of a spouse. One such person would be my grandfather, who visited the grave of his deceased wife every sunday for 20-some years. To me that shows an undying devotion, love, and tells me she was truly irreplacable to him and that he did not want to dishonor her memory. There is something very heroic and honorable in that… It just seems right.
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Obviously there’s nothing morally wrong with it, but I see your point. I’m not even married yet, but I don’t think I would be able to remarry if my spouse died. The fact is, once you die there are these posibilities: (1) you’ll go to hell where the torment is so terrible, any hurt from your wife maybe being with someone else will be meaningless; (2) you’ll go to heaven (with a pitstop in purgatory perhaps) where you will be totally filled with happiness and love that it won’t be possible to feel hurt about your wife maybe being with someone else.

Either way, once you’re dead it won’t matter to you so don’t worry about it!🙂
 
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Genesis315:
Obviously there’s nothing morally wrong with it, but I see your point.
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Yes, I should’ve stated this in my post, I don’t mean to assume that there is another morally wrong with it.
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Genesis315:
Either way, once you’re dead it won’t matter to you so don’t worry about it!🙂
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Its still a hard thought, cause I am not in heaven nor in hell right now. And to know that your wife COULD move on… makes me feel replacable to her right now. It kind of takes something away from our love in my eyes. I believe Tertullian felt the same way about this. I think he wrote letters to his wife urging her not to get remarried if he died, but acknowledged she would not be sinning if she had.
 
From my personal observation, I think widows are much less likely to remarry than widowers – who often shockingly remarry within a year or so! I am a little concerned, however, that your ideas suggest you are somewhat controlling. I’m sure your wife has not given you reason to think she has a Plan B.

Marriage is until death, not beyond. If your wife were to remarry after you died, it would be because married life was very happy and satisfying to her. I’ve never heard of a widow who would “replace” her husband. They may move on to another chapter in their lives, and you should not feel threatened by that possibility. You should be happy that someone could love and provide for her as you would if you could. It would not diminish what you had; it would instead make her life more secure – since you kicked off early and mucked it all up! LOL

I wish you both a long and happy life together. Chances are, she can’t imagine life without you. I know that’s how I feel about my husband. But *if *you did predecease her, and if she met a good man to love her, you should be grateful that she would be so blessed. Real love isn’t selfish. Your feelings are understandable, but you should work on that.
God bless.
 
Olegreymere - Re From my personal observation, I think widows are much less likely to remarry than widowers – I would suggest that there are many more widows than widowers, maybe a factor of 10 more. This probably influences this. In the retirement homes around here a man is a rare commodity and actively pursued.😉
 
My husband wants me to remarry, if he dies, and I want him to remarry if I die. If my husband finds a wonderful woman and falls in love, I hope he’ll marry her. I want him to be happy.

I don’t believe in soulmates, and I don’t think that remarrying should ever be about trying to replace one’s lost spouse. If either of us remarries, it would no more be a betrayal of our first marriage than finding new friends is a betrayal of old friendships. It doesn’t invalidate what we had- it’s something new.
 
My husband is the only man I’ve ever been in love with, and I’ve known him since I was 16 years old. I think what we have together is unique and special and beautiful. If I should die before him (and the likelyhood of that is pretty high with all my health problems) I would want him to remarry. I love him dearly and I would not want him to be lonely, I would want him to be happy.

I don’t think it would take away from what we shared because what we have is unique and special to us. It could not be duplicated. Any relationship my husband may develope would be a separate unique relationship.

If my husband should die before me, at this point I certainly can’t imagine being with anyone else. But I also do not believe I would not be capable of developing a deep meaningful relationship with someone else. It wouldn’t change or take away from the love I have for my husband. That would always remain the same in my heart.
 
If my wife passes away before me I will not remarry. What the Lord puts to an end why restart? My love for her allows me to desire to remain in permanent monogamy. Her passing away would open another chapter in my life and journey to heaven. A chapter in which I will turn and serve God.

If I were to pass away first? I’d like to believe she would not remarry. The thought of her being intimate with another man is hard for me to take. But that is probably me being selfish. I’ve asked her if she’d remarry and the most she’s been able to tell me is “probably not”. I wish she’d say “definately not” but it’s not my choice and I can’t force her. I’ve asked her what she’d do if she didn’t remarry and she said devote the rest of her life to “serve God and His Church”.

The Church does encourage widowhood as more desirable than remarriage. It views second marriages as less honorable. According to Paul (I Cor., vii, 25-40) the virgins and widows do well if they persist in the intention not to marry in order to serve God with undivided mind; they indeed do better than those who must divide their attention between care for the husband and the service of God.

Finally, although marriage does not exist in heaven because the reasons for marriage are not needed in heaven (procreate and help each other gain salvation) I believe (and this is my personal belief, the Church has no position) we’ll see our loves one in heaven.
 
Interesting topic. Speaking from experience, when my wife an I met she was a young widow (29 at the time). SHe had been widowed for three years and was left with two small children. She never expected to fall in love again, but fortunately for both of us, did with me. If you were to ask her, she would say that the love she has for me is not a replacement, rather an addition. I know that she still loves her first husband, and despite the realtionship with me has never forgotten him either. However, I also know that the love she has for me is no less than for him. There is no jealousy involved since from the beginning, we’ve talked about it often.

…and BTW, we are getting close to celebrate our 18th anniversary.

As for her first husband, I don’t beleive there is a place in heaven for jealosy or emptiness. I believe that his spirit is truly happy that his wife was able to find love again.
 
By the way doesn’t the church believe St. Joseph was a widow when he married Mary?
 
I thank God that all these responses are “IF” my spouse should pass first.

I have been a widow for almost 3 years now, (June to be exact). My DH and I were married for 14 terrific years, and I was as inlove with him on the 14th year as I was on year 1. We were best friends throughout our whole marriage.

Will any other man replace him in my heart and memory?..NO WAY! BUT,the pain of grieving has slowly given way to the happiness of memory of him. I now smile when I think of things he did or said instead of cry. God’s way of healing our broken hearts.

Now, I have gotten to the point of healing that I am considering dating again…(Talk about a SCARY thought in todays world :eek: )

Will I marry again?,that is up to God. But to be honest, I miss the adult conversations my DH and I had, I miss the cuddle time on the couch (just before our son wiggled inbetween us 😛 ), I miss sharing my life with a truely wonderful man.
 
My mm was married when she was 22, and her first husband died of leukemia when she was 24. I’m awfully glad she married my dad!
 
My husband and I have talked about it. We’re very unique individuals, so it would be quite a challange for either of us to be replaced. It’s not that I believe in soulmates, but that there are so many things that each of us likes and does that to find someone with most of the same traits that we would actually be attracted to would be almost impossible. And that another person would put up with–I cannot imagine being married to someone who did not support me in my faith, in my art, and in watching all 24 hours of LeMans each year. But if we did fall in love again, we would remarry–especially if there were small children that needed another parental figure.

We’ve even talked about potential spouses. He knows that if he dies, I’m after Hugh Jackman, Harry Connick Jr., and Aussie F1 driver Mark Webber. 😃
 
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