Marriage falling apart

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StGerard1988

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My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have a son that is almost a year old. My husband has been going through a bought of depression for the last 6-8 months. He is unhappy in his job, feels stressed all the time, is very negative, and is suffering and battling a pornography addiction. He has always had a temper but he blows up in fits of rage if we have a disagreement and he curses and yells at me in front of our son. Every time he says he is sorry and he is trying to change.

We have met once with our priest but he doesn’t want to meet anymore because he is embarrassed. He refuses to see a doctor for antidepressants. He is very anti medication. He refuses to see a therapist because he says we can’t afford it.

I’ve talked to him that he has to get this under control or it’s not going to work. He goes to confession regularly, and we attend Mass every week. In public he is happy, friendly, sociable, and at home he is consumed with depression, anger, and the darker side of himself.

At confession yesterday, I was advised to pray a Novena to St. Joseph for him. I am doing that, but is there anything else I can do? Am I safe? Is there hope for us? I can’t help him any more. At some point he has to help himself.
 
StGerard1988 said:
We have met once with our priest but he doesn’t want to meet anymore because he is embarrassed. He refuses to see a doctor for antidepressants. He is very anti medication. He refuses to see a therapist because he says we can’t afford it.
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Can you pick up a little extra income? Are you doing a monthly budget together? Have you priced a therapist and figured out how much it will actually cost? I know people have mentioned before that Catholic Charities does sliding scale counseling. If you do all of those things, you can say something like, “We need $100 to do an initial appointment for you. I have found $100 right here by babysitting and cutting expenses. You have an appointment after work on Monday.”

If he balks with regard to doing that, you can ask him “So, what is your plan for getting better?” Hear him out, write down his plan, and set a date for checking back in with him (maybe in a month). Then repeat.

Go ahead and make an appointment outside confession for you with your pastor.

Also, have a plan to be able to leave temporarily with your baby when your husband flies into a rage. Make sure that there are people close to you locally that understand your situation, make sure you have cash money on you and gas (and maybe a diaper bag) in your car, make sure your cell phone is always on you and charged (and if you don’t have one, get one), and be able to leave at any time and have a place to go.

Good luck!
 
Sorry for the confusion. I’m not used to typing on a tablet. We have been married for 5 years and our baby is almost 7 months. I tried to be a bit vague in case my husband found his way on this thread.

I have budgeted and we can afford it. He just doesn’t want to go. I’ve met with my priest alone and he is coming for dinner soon since my husband won’t go see him.

I have tried to leave a couple of times but he won’t let me leave with the baby. And I don’t want to leave the baby with him when he’s mad, so I’m not sure what to do.
 
StGerard1988 said:
Sorry for the confusion. I’m not used to typing on a tablet. We have been married for 5 years and our baby is almost 7 months. I tried to be a bit vague in case my husband found his way on this thread.

I have budgeted and we can afford it. He just doesn’t want to go. I’ve met with my priest alone and he is coming for dinner soon since my husband won’t go see him.

I have tried to leave a couple of times but he won’t let me leave with the baby. And I don’t want to leave the baby with him when he’s mad, so I’m not sure what to do.
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Definitely don’t leave him with the baby when he’s angry! And as a matter of fact, I wouldn’t leave him with the baby at all.

Talk to a lawyer about what your rights are with regard to leaving the house for an hour or two with the baby until he cools down. If he won’t let you leave with the baby, I would be inclined to tell you to call the police and tell them that your husband is raging and won’t let you leave the house temporarily with your baby, but a lawyer would be able to tell you whether or not that is a good idea. It is definitely a nuclear option, but it is an option.

If he is raging uncontrollably, you and the baby should not be home with him.
 
Let me say that this is not an every day thing. It happens about once per week. Usually when I feel like things are better and he is changing, I will do something to set him off again. I try really hard to keep him happy, but I feel like I’m failing.

I don’t think he would let me have the phone long enough to call anyone when he is that angry.
 
He sounds like he is battling a lot - there’s a lot going on here. I’m so sorry. You’ve received some great advice here.

He’s going to confession, this is good. But my feeling is that he should start looking into finding a new job. Life is too short to suffer in a job that brings such unhappiness, and a fresh start can do wonders. Also, if he can’t afford therapy, there are options that are available, such as low-cost, if not free, therapy for men. Look into crisis lines in your area and they will help you find such resources for him. But HE needs to be willing to make the changes needed. HE needs to ask for God to help him. God will help him, he needs to turn to Him.

As for you, perhaps you and the baby can take a little vacation, the two of you to get out of town, perhaps visit family or a friend. You are a courageous woman and I admire your strength. Call someone you trust, cry, allow yourself to feel because you are carrying the stress and weight of these issues, too. I am always here if you need to PM and just vent.

I will ask St. Michael to intercede for you.

With my prayers.

GreyWings
 
StGerard1988 said:
Let me say that this is not an every day thing. It happens about once per week. Usually when I feel like things are better and he is changing, I will do something to set him off again. I try really hard to keep him happy, but I feel like I’m failing.

I don’t think he would let me have the phone long enough to call anyone when he is that angry.
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Get a phone that you can have on you at all times.

Also, when he’s not angry, you need to tell him that when he is angry, you need to be able to leave the house with the baby until he’s calm and safe. If he’s so very sorry, he should agree to this. If (when he’s normal) he doesn’t agree to letting you leave with the baby when he’s raging, I don’t think he’s actually sorry. If he were sorry or repentat, he’d want to spare you and the baby.

Here’s a checklist I think you should read:

abuse-against-women.com/abuse_checklist.html

You also might want to call an abuse hotline and ask about anger management classes or anger management therapy.
 
Ok, first of all, let’s call this what it is.

If your husband will not let you leave the house with your child, regardless of the circumstances, that is ABUSE. Plain and simple.

Please, get yourself into counseling. Just you. You can do marriage counseling separate if he will agree, but you need to sort this out with a professional.

Next time he refuses to let you leave the house with your son, call the police. Do NOT put up with that nonsense. Ever. And I guarantee you, if this is as bad as you’re making it sound, it’s only going to get worse.
 
How well do you get along with his parents and relatives? How well does he get along with your parents and relatives? How often do you meet your relatives as a family?
 
Praying for you and your child and husband.

None of us strangers can say whether your situation is safe or not. I would encourage you to get professional counseling from a Christian counselor, whether or not your husband will go with you. Pray for him every day.
 
StGerard1988 said:
Let me say that this is not an every day thing. It happens about once per week.
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Let me say, you’ve clearly lost touch with normal.

This is NOT normal.
StGerard1988 said:
Usually when I feel like things are better and he is changing, I will do something to set him off again.

I try really hard to keep him happy, but I feel like I’m failing.
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you’ve now progressed to blaming yourself for his bad behavior. It’s time for you to leave.
StGerard1988 said:
I don’t think he would let me have the phone long enough to call anyone when he is that angry.
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Lawyer, now.
 
I agree, get counseling for yourself. Catholic Charities if possible. The church office or priest can recommend you to someone who specializes in married life. For the sake of your family.
 
I have been in therapy off and on for postpartum depression but I’ve never brought this up. His family lives 8 hours away but mine is very close and we see them frequently. He has always felt like an outsider with his family however. They don’t call very often. He has to call them.

The main problem is that he says he will look into therapy, meet with our priest, go to a retreat, etc. etc. etc. then he never follows through.

What hurts the most is that in every argument he says that I treat him like $h!*. All the time and he’s tired of it. I’m not perfect. I’m far from it. I do normal wife nagging, complaining, accidentally messing up his clothes, eye. But I keep the baby food homemade, the house clean, laundry clean, homemade dinners, just all I can do. But it’s not enough.
 
StGerard1988 said:
This is exactly what is happening but he would say it’s not this bad. I have told him that he has physically abused me and he said it was an accident, and didn’t qualify as abuse. He would deny all of this.
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It doesn’t matter what he would do. It only matters what you actually do.

Leave.
 
I’m scared to. The only time I could would be when he is calm and then he would get angry. I think I need to talk with my priest.
 
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