Marriage finally over? When to give up?(sorry so long)

[mariam1976]

I wonder why people like this who live in misery and turmoil wouldn’t want to get the help to make themselves feel better? It just is so strange to me as I would do it in an instant if I thought I could be happy again. I suppose it’s part of the disorder?
Anyway, we have had little contact over the past few days. He seems to be just playing the game. Agreeing with me that it’s over. Not trying to discuss anything, not trying to explain not wanting to work it out. It’s his pride now making him act this way and also that he loves to play the victim, he would see this as me ending it, me doing the wrong.

Jules11: sometimes you have to decide that it is over for your own mental sanity. Dont try to second guess him. As you have mentioned, he has a mental condition so you really do not know what he is thinking. It does not matter whether he comes back to you in the future or not. He has to care enough about you to admit that he has a problem and go get help for it. That means that he has to love you more than himself. You might be the only person in his life who has really loved him but reading about all the misery that he has put you through, does he love you more than himself to go get the help that is required to make it work? If he doesnt, then please do not spend more time in misery.
God Bless

 

[Island_Oak]

Jules:

I have followed your posts for a long time and have said many prayers for you since before your baby was born.

By now even you must admit you can’t necessarily beat the mental illness that plagues your husband with prayers. Sometimes the answer to our prayers the ability to clearly see the disfunction in our lives for what it is and the courage to move away from it. Your husband’s influence on you and your kids sounds exhausting and destructive, and with the high level of responsibility you have for so many children, I can’t see how anyone would fault you for removing them and yourself from such a chaotic and abusive environment.

Perhaps divorce is not the inevitable end to this story, but I am hoping and praying that you have a housing option other than under the same roof with this man until he can become stable. A single-minded devotion to raising your kids in a healthy environment is an admirable, holy and seemingly necessary path for you to follow now. You need to avoid being pulled into the drama and disappointment of trying to meaningfully interact with someone so unbalanced. Wasting further energy trying to figure out or overcome your husband’s illness without his cooperation is not only pointless, but deprives your children of a healthy mother who can focus lovingly on them and their welfare. Best wishes. You will continue to be in our prayers.

 

[SemperJase]

He needs to see a doctor but it’s the same old thing… he won’t admit he has a problem.

I need read no further. This is the key.

His behavior is not normal or rational. Until he gets help this will continue. You can’t fix him. I do not see how staying married to him will fix his behavior or heal him.

 

[jules11]

Perhaps divorce is not the inevitable end to this story, but I am hoping and praying that you have a housing option other than under the same roof with this man until he can become stable.

Thankyou for your post, I am living apart from him, in my house. A house I bought 14 years ago. He came to live here with me when we married. He is now living near me but in his own place. He does not have keys to my house so I am quite safe.
Thanks for your concern and your prayers.

 

[jules11]

I am not coping so well with it all today. I still have not seen him since before Christmas, over 2 weeks. I don’t want to see him but our son started walking and I felt bad that he would be missing that so I asked him if he wanted to have him. As it was hot yesterday, he said he would take him to the beach and said my other children were welcome too. Well, 2 of mine wanted to go and also my nephew who is staying over.What an ordeal it turned into!
He was going to take my car as it is a 7 seater and I said ‘that’s fine but I will need your car’,
He said he didn’t want me driving his car, and said, ‘get your boyfriend to pick you up’.
to which I replied, ‘ok then, but he was going to meet me there.’
Of course there is NO boyfriend but I get sick of his accusations so I just played along this time.
He has been helping my eldest daughter with her car (she lives with my mother) and acting like nothing is wrong. After the things he has called me, I can’t believe that he could look my mother in the eye. Apparently he was joking and laughing with her. He has no shame.I only just told my mother yesterday afternoon what was going on, which was probably a good thing, she would have no doubt said something to him.
This is all so hurtful and I know there is nothing I can do. He is just going along with it all, seeing my children and ignoring that our marriage is in tatters.
We had a weekend Bed & Breakfast booked for next weekend that we had put off because we split in September (our anniversary) and I have cancelled it once and now I have to give it away as there is no way we can go.
I am feeling very depressed and down today. I just don’t get it. Things were going so well for us and we really looked like we had a chance, now this. I just can’t help thinking what we could have, how good it could be. How another child will grow up in a broken home, as there seems to be no future for us together. It is heartbreaking.
I am trying very hard to accept this suffering and offer it to God for his conversion and his soul. I don’t know what else I can do. Please continue to pray for me. I know I will have good days and bad days, this is one of the bad ones.

 

[mariam1976]

I am sorry that you are feeling so bad my dear… Dont dwell on what could have been as that will take you nowhere… if you go down that route you cud start going right back to childhood… he obviously does not care about you enough and it is time to let go… remember there is one person who loves you more than anything else in the world and that is Jesus.
Jules: I think this is god’s way of getting him out of your life. you seem to be a very nice person and after a while, when jesus sees that he is putting you through all this suffering, he will not want him back in your life.