S
silicasandra
Guest
My husband and I have been married just over three years and have two sons (2 and 12 weeks). I converted while we were dating, and he was raised Catholic, although we really didn’t practice until after our first was baptized, at my insistence. While my husband has come around to the idea that we really actually do need to go to Mass every Sunday, it’s definitely me who is pulling him into living an authentically Catholic life (which we didn’t for a long time - we used contraception and cohabitated before marrying, and he still doesn’t see what was wrong about that.)
I mostly stay at home. I work a few hours a week in the evenings as an administrative assistant, after he gets home from his office 8-4 to watch the kids (I went back two weeks postpartum, and most days baby still comes with me, but we’re starting to transition to leaving baby at home too so that I can more efficiently do my work.) I have PPD, as I did after my first, and am seeing a very good Christian counselor.
I am feeling incredibly stressed about our life circumstances. Yes, we have food on the table, and a roof over our heads. But it’s clear to me that DH’s mind is somewhere else almost all of the time he is at home. He is checking Twitter constantly, and watches a lot of TV. He stays up late at night doing these things and then complains in the morning when the kids wake up because he is so tired. I will ask him to do things (e.g. fold a load of laundry) while he watches if he’s going to be up anyway but he usually forgets or leaves it unfinished. He is resentful if I ask him to watch the kids, even if it’s because I need to cook dinner for all of us. It seems like a horrible double-standard - while he is at work, I am to cook and clean and watch children, and not need him to help me when he comes home. When he watches the kids while I go to work, I need to immediately take the kids and begin cleaning up when I get home so he can rest because of how hard it is (um, duh.
)
I have to work because of my own student loans. Although I worked all of the way through college and had scholarships, I still took out loans for my undergraduate studies, and then (REALLY stupidly) went to graduate school paid entirely by loans, while my husband went to grad school on a full scholarship with additional paid internships. His parents paid for his undergraduate. He sees me as a financial burden (largely why I went back to work when DS1 was about a year old.) He constantly pushes me to go back to work full time when it is unlikely I would ever make enough to cover childcare - and I don’t have anyone nearby I would trust to watch them for less money. My heart is, truly, at home (which I never would have expected as I planned my career path in high school.) I have slashed our living expenses as barebones as he’ll let me (he “has to” have cable and a smartphone.) I make almost all of our food from scratch. On my work nights I have meals ready for him so he doesn’t have to cook.
If I could go back in time (don’t we all wish!) I wouldn’t have gone to graduate school, I would have worked while he was in school and paid off my undergrad loans (the amount of which has been paid off already - what’s remaining are the grad loans). We wouldn’t have lived together. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t have married him, but I think that is usually just the depression talking. I love my kids like crazy and thank God for sending them to me. I’m talking a lot about the practical circumstances here but really what I’m struggling with is the lack of emotional connection. I’ve explained to DH my concerns and the most he has to say is, “I don’t think that.” But never, “This is what I do think…”
We have been in marital counseling before (I threatened separation or counseling and he chose the counseling.) The first counselor told me I couldn’t depend on DH for my own happiness (agreed) so therefore I had to let him do whatever he wanted and quit asking for his support (disagreed). He was recently divorced and clearly maintained some bitter feelings. The second counselor praised DH for not being a deadbeat dad and did not offer any suggestions on how he could more clearly respond to my requests to communicate and for support. I usually left those sessions in tears and feeling like a horrible wife so it didn’t even occur to me until well afterwards to ask why those issues weren’t being addressed at all. Interestingly, things were going well with the second counselor when I was going by myself - it didn’t get bad until my husband started going, too.
I am not sure what I want - advice, sympathy, prayers, etc. I am just so worn out from trying to figure out his emotional needs (he doesn’t really seem to have any. I’ve asked and tried offering tons and the response is always the same no matter what I try) and from his repeated refusal to show appreciation for me. I have told him explicitly what I want. I’ve read about love languages, Greg Popcak’s books on marriage, lots of other resources. I’ve asked him to read the books with me and he’ll give up shortly after starting saying he’s too busy with work (which is a laugh, he spends most of his day at work on Facebook and Twitter, judging by the timestamps of his posts.)
Unfortunately I am pretty socially isolated here so it’s hard for me to find help. My family lives across the country. I’m starting to get involved with a few local moms groups and that has helped, but it’s hard for me to not be envious of them because their husbands seem so committed to them and their families. Would my husband ever leave? No, I think he likes the comfort of being married too much. But I don’t think he really sees our relationship as anything more than that. I would like it to be so much more than that, but I just feel like all my “emotional capital” is used up.
Any thoughts?
I mostly stay at home. I work a few hours a week in the evenings as an administrative assistant, after he gets home from his office 8-4 to watch the kids (I went back two weeks postpartum, and most days baby still comes with me, but we’re starting to transition to leaving baby at home too so that I can more efficiently do my work.) I have PPD, as I did after my first, and am seeing a very good Christian counselor.
I am feeling incredibly stressed about our life circumstances. Yes, we have food on the table, and a roof over our heads. But it’s clear to me that DH’s mind is somewhere else almost all of the time he is at home. He is checking Twitter constantly, and watches a lot of TV. He stays up late at night doing these things and then complains in the morning when the kids wake up because he is so tired. I will ask him to do things (e.g. fold a load of laundry) while he watches if he’s going to be up anyway but he usually forgets or leaves it unfinished. He is resentful if I ask him to watch the kids, even if it’s because I need to cook dinner for all of us. It seems like a horrible double-standard - while he is at work, I am to cook and clean and watch children, and not need him to help me when he comes home. When he watches the kids while I go to work, I need to immediately take the kids and begin cleaning up when I get home so he can rest because of how hard it is (um, duh.
)I have to work because of my own student loans. Although I worked all of the way through college and had scholarships, I still took out loans for my undergraduate studies, and then (REALLY stupidly) went to graduate school paid entirely by loans, while my husband went to grad school on a full scholarship with additional paid internships. His parents paid for his undergraduate. He sees me as a financial burden (largely why I went back to work when DS1 was about a year old.) He constantly pushes me to go back to work full time when it is unlikely I would ever make enough to cover childcare - and I don’t have anyone nearby I would trust to watch them for less money. My heart is, truly, at home (which I never would have expected as I planned my career path in high school.
) I have slashed our living expenses as barebones as he’ll let me (he “has to” have cable and a smartphone.) I make almost all of our food from scratch. On my work nights I have meals ready for him so he doesn’t have to cook.If I could go back in time (don’t we all wish!) I wouldn’t have gone to graduate school, I would have worked while he was in school and paid off my undergrad loans (the amount of which has been paid off already - what’s remaining are the grad loans). We wouldn’t have lived together. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t have married him, but I think that is usually just the depression talking. I love my kids like crazy and thank God for sending them to me. I’m talking a lot about the practical circumstances here but really what I’m struggling with is the lack of emotional connection. I’ve explained to DH my concerns and the most he has to say is, “I don’t think that.” But never, “This is what I do think…”
We have been in marital counseling before (I threatened separation or counseling and he chose the counseling.) The first counselor told me I couldn’t depend on DH for my own happiness (agreed) so therefore I had to let him do whatever he wanted and quit asking for his support (disagreed). He was recently divorced and clearly maintained some bitter feelings. The second counselor praised DH for not being a deadbeat dad and did not offer any suggestions on how he could more clearly respond to my requests to communicate and for support. I usually left those sessions in tears and feeling like a horrible wife so it didn’t even occur to me until well afterwards to ask why those issues weren’t being addressed at all. Interestingly, things were going well with the second counselor when I was going by myself - it didn’t get bad until my husband started going, too.
I am not sure what I want - advice, sympathy, prayers, etc. I am just so worn out from trying to figure out his emotional needs (he doesn’t really seem to have any. I’ve asked and tried offering tons and the response is always the same no matter what I try) and from his repeated refusal to show appreciation for me. I have told him explicitly what I want. I’ve read about love languages, Greg Popcak’s books on marriage, lots of other resources. I’ve asked him to read the books with me and he’ll give up shortly after starting saying he’s too busy with work (which is a laugh, he spends most of his day at work on Facebook and Twitter, judging by the timestamps of his posts.)
Unfortunately I am pretty socially isolated here so it’s hard for me to find help. My family lives across the country. I’m starting to get involved with a few local moms groups and that has helped, but it’s hard for me to not be envious of them because their husbands seem so committed to them and their families. Would my husband ever leave? No, I think he likes the comfort of being married too much. But I don’t think he really sees our relationship as anything more than that. I would like it to be so much more than that, but I just feel like all my “emotional capital” is used up.
Any thoughts?
) and DH’s has been coming since. I realized it wasn’t all me when he actually made the effort to get to Mass by himself when I was sick. Before he wouldn’t have bothered. Perhaps I need to be more patient, since he is making progress.
This can take as long as the game itself.)