Marriage Help, please!

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pamnbam

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I don’t know where to begin. . .

My DH and I are constantly squabbling, sometimes over little things. We both can be strong-willed, but often I’m the one who gives in first (so as not to continue an argument), but I think this reinforces his feeling that he’s “always right.” He doesn’t seem to listen to me. This past week we’ve argued about 4 out of the 7 days! He thinks I’m thoughtless and cold, I think he’s selfish and lazy. When we’re not arguing, things are great.

We were married 2 years ago and had a Catholic wedding. We’re both converts, me in '03 and him in '06. I felt so strong in my faith before we were married, but now it seems like he’s not helping me to grow in faith. Sometimes I wonder if he converted just to marry me (marrying a Catholic meant a lot to me). We don’t pray together; I pray on my own, and I don’t know if he even prays at all; he doesn’t participate at Mass; I guess I’m just feeling really cheated in my “Catholic marriage.” We have one toddler together, and I’d hate to see our family break up.

So I guess my questions are: how does one know when they need marriage counseling? Is this where Retrouvaille begins, or is that for more extreme circumstances? I really don’t feel that DH would go with me, but I’m willing to go on my own. Also, what do you do in your relationships that keep them Catholic and strong? TIA!
 
Yes, it’s time for counseling on how to communicate with each other and on goal setting, expectations, and responsibilities.
 
About how long is a “normal” counseling experience? A year or two? Is it really possible to change such ingrained quirks in a person?
 
My heart goes out to you!

If you have a Retrouvaille program available in your area, I’m sure the contact couple would be very happy to talk to you about the program and whether it would be right for you. I really encourage you to give them a call.

Why don’t you think your husband would be willing to go with you? Sometimes you don’t know until you ask. I hope he surprises you 🙂

Another option might be Marriage Encounter, which is also meant to strengthen marriages through communication. I don’t think this program is for “troubled” marriages, however.

You and and your husband will be in our (DH’s and mine) prayers tonight!
 
I think if the desire is there, with the grace of God one can change almost any of one’s habits.

I’ve struggled with nagging and nitpicking (and a few other bad habits!), and I’ve really improved over the last year or so, once I realized how it really wore DH down, though he almost never said anything. Learning about one another’s needs and how we can have such different needs was such an eye-opener for me! (This happened for us in the context of training to lead marriage preparation retreats. We’ve been married five years - I’m a convert, he’s a “revert”.)

I know we couldn’t have the happy marriage we do without God being our “third partner”. I can see the beginnings of our real growth in faith, though, in the fact that a strong family life was such a high priority for us, me as a child of divorced parents and him as a lonely only child. That was the impetus for our search for God’s place in our lives, but it’s God that has shown us the real meaning of marriage.

Sorry, I think I’m rambling. But your story really touches me, Pam. Prayers headed your way!
 
Perhaps before you even go the way of counseling or retreats, you could simply approach your husband with the observation that you seem to be arguing far more than you want to be or than is healthy. Ask if he agrees and if he’s willing to spend some time on it so you can move beyond this little rut you have fallen into. A few calm conversations and a new strategy or two of could fend off the frustration that leads you to fight instead of deal with the issue at hand and move on.
 
He has agreed to go to counseling. We had a small spat yesterday, but obviously I did or said something really bad, because he wouldn’t call home or anything for hours. He was late from work, and I didn’t know if something had happened to him. This is no way to be married. . .
 
pamnbam said:
He has agreed to go to counseling. We had a small spat yesterday, but obviously I did or said something really bad, because he wouldn’t call home or anything for hours. He was late from work, and I didn’t know if something had happened to him. This is no way to be married. . .
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Just make sure you get a Catholic or Christian counselor who believes that divorce is not an option except in extreme circumstances. One that understands the Catholic sacrament of marriage.
 
While counseling is a very good idea, remember that you really can only change yourself and your attitude. examine your responses to his behavior, could you respond in a more loving way??? I know this is sometimes hard, because he knows just what buttons to push, but responding in an unexpected way can sometimes diffuse a volatile situation.

Remember why you married this man and all his good points.

Marriage is not a 50/50% contract, but 100/100% sacrificial sacrament.

God bless you, and you are in my prayers.
 
I recommend you also read “A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage” by Gregory Papcok. He totally changed my whole outlook on marriage. He describes different types of marriages and you can see where your marriage is and what you need to work on.

The eye opener for me was that he states that no matter now bad our spouse is, we have to continue to show our spouse God’s love whether or not our spouse deserves it; simply because our Christian dignity demands that we do so. (physical abuse is never acceptable though!)

When my husband verbally lashes out at me, I still have a hard time keeping my tongue at bay. I often lash back and I can be pretty bitchy with my “one-up-manship”…it’s not healthy though because it just perpetuates the back and forth verbal abuse.

One of you has to become the better person and set an example…I know, easier said than done. Tell me about it!!!

I have been finding some success with my new outlook. It’s not everytime that I am successful, but I have improved significantly and to my surprise, my husband is showing a lot more appreciation and love towards me.

I pray to God every night to help me change so that I can show my husband God’s love when it’s the most difficult to do so. I also pray that my husband is open to my kindness and will reciprocate.

It has been working! I just need to work on it a bit more, but things are definitely getting better.

I hope this helps.
 
pamnbam said:
I don’t know where to begin. . .

My DH and I are constantly squabbling, sometimes over little things. We both can be strong-willed, but often I’m the one who gives in first (so as not to continue an argument), but I think this reinforces his feeling that he’s “always right.” He doesn’t seem to listen to me. This past week we’ve argued about 4 out of the 7 days! He thinks I’m thoughtless and cold, I think he’s selfish and lazy. When we’re not arguing, things are great.

We were married 2 years ago and had a Catholic wedding. We’re both converts, me in '03 and him in '06. I felt so strong in my faith before we were married, but now it seems like he’s not helping me to grow in faith. Sometimes I wonder if he converted just to marry me (marrying a Catholic meant a lot to me). We don’t pray together; I pray on my own, and I don’t know if he even prays at all; he doesn’t participate at Mass; I guess I’m just feeling really cheated in my “Catholic marriage.” We have one toddler together, and I’d hate to see our family break up.

So I guess my questions are: how does one know when they need marriage counseling? Is this where Retrouvaille begins, or is that for more extreme circumstances? I really don’t feel that DH would go with me, but I’m willing to go on my own. Also, what do you do in your relationships that keep them Catholic and strong? TIA!
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If you argue about stuff all the time then yeah. counciling is worth it. but give up on making him *more *catholic. A persons faith (or lack there of ) is personal. Maybe he faked it to marry you. But that’s more than most guys would do…😃
 
I too suggest getting some of Greg Popcak’s books. For Better… Forever discusses the different types of marriages and how communication impacts marriages.
 
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