Marriage help

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yy1267

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Tonight my wife told me that she can live without sex and doesn’t like sex. This is a permanant thing, not just for today.
Its been a while since we last had sex and we were going to have sex tongiht but as we were in bed and a few seconds beforfe i would penetrate she dropped thison me and we did nothing.

She says there is soemthing wrong with me for wanting sex and not being able to go without it, she says i should see a doctor and control myself, she doesnt seem to understand that i produce these hormones and have extra hormones which is my medication.

The only way i could lower my sex drive would be to stop taking all my medication and i would return to how i was before i met my wife, white/yellow skin, thin and no sex drive (i wasnt even producing sperm) but i was so depressed as i had no hormones. I was nearing deaths door then and not takingmy medication would put me back there but taking my medication keeps my sex drive up high.

I would be happy with sex once a week but she doesnt want it again. There is no cuddling or kissing either, even in bed it is if we were two male friends who had to share a bed for the night but didnt want to accidently brush up against each other.

As a catholic i cant even give myself relief as that would send me to hell. I am trapped in this merrygoround and i even get jealous inside when i see her kiss and cuddle the children and the dog. i dont want her to not kiss and cuddle the children but when i see her show affection to the dog and i get none i feel completely worthless.

My wife will never go to counselling if you suggest it.

sorry fio long post.
:(😦
 
Prayers for you.

Keep praying for your wife. Fasting is very important and often forgotten. It is a sacrifice that can be done without a big production number, in secret, between you and God.
 
Your wish is not unnatural, nor is it fair to be denied affection.
Our prayers for you in the loneliness and deprivation that you feel.
May God heal your wife in those areas that she needs healing, may God heal your marriage.
Prayer that your wife will recognize she may have need for some professional advice and help.
God bless you and your family
 
She says there is soemthing wrong with me for wanting sex and not being able to go without it, she says i should see a doctor and control myself, she doesnt seem to understand that i produce these hormones and have extra hormones which is my medication.
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Maybe a doctor could advise you to an additional drug, such as an SSRI, that would lower your sex drive if it is abnormally high? If you actually need the hormone therapy, that is: I don’t know what your condition is, if the hormone therapy is just for comfort or sex drive or self-esteem, or if it is a necessary medication for, well, medical reasons. Not that I advocate more medication than is necessary, but if the abnormally high sex drive (and if it is an abnormally high sex drive on your part, not a low sex drive or psychological or revulsion/unattraction or infidelity problem on your wife’s part) is having an adverse impact on your life, talk to your doctor. Maybe other forms of similar hormones are available, with less adverse effect?
Tonight my wife told me that she can live without sex and doesn’t like sex. This is a permanant thing, not just for today.
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If more women would like that (and most marriages I’ve seen didn’t end in either misery or divorce, something that I, as a selfish sinner, am too afraid to inflict on myself, and as a saint, am too afraid to inflict on another) I’d probably feel a stronger vocation to marriage (although, it wouldn’t really be “Matrimony”, would it?), but, even for me, being half a eunuch and not even close to a saint to boot, I imagine if I was in a marriage, something like that said to me would be a big hit to my ego, if I was certain my sex drive wasn’t abnormally high (I don’t know if once a week is high or not, having what is considered an “abnormally low” sex drive myself, but I’m pretty sure more than that is).
There is no cuddling or kissing either, even in bed it is if we were two male friends who had to share a bed for the night but didnt want to accidently brush up against each other.
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And - the above, and the hit to the ego, combined with this - to me, this seems far more troubling and more of a warning sign or pointer that something else might be going on than mere lack of sex, or not wanting to have sex.

What must be found out, is it a medical problem? If it is, is your sex drive abnormally high or your wife’s abnormally low? Is it a psychological problem (viz. does your wife have depression or body dysmorphic disorder?)? Is it an emotional/relational problem? Is it an attraction problem? Is it just started, or has it been such for a long time? Has it occurred in episodes in the past, such as a person with depression would experience? If it’s just beginning, I would worry about infidelity or something similar, after psychological factors and the possibility of her having a normal sex-drive - and yours being abnormally high - is ruled out.

Nothing can be done about this over the internet. You need to talk to your doctor about this in detail, and listen to what he has to say, whether it is a change in medication or a problem on your end, or whether it’s a problem on your wife’s end and one or both of you need to see a counsellor.
 
I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds as if she has some serious unresolved issues that cause her to fear or resent intimacy and affection. I suggest maybe finding your wife a therapist or counsellor to work these issues through from the bottom. I wish you much strength, and please know there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It would only be wrong if you demanded sex or forced it on your wife when she was unwilling.
 
Okay…I don’t understand what you meant with your medication and skin tone, and being weak and thin? Do you have a disease and you were dying from it? I’m sorry, I have a headache and I can’t sleep so I’m not thinking as well as I could be :-/ I hope your wife understands that you cannot just stop taking it…even if it was for something non life threatening, I would think you would have to taper of the medication. It’s not a quick fix. Whether or not there are even any medications on the market aimed towards lowering your sex drive, it’s also a question of how you and your medication would react to it as well. I’m not a doctor, so I don’t know, but I am on anti-depressants and I do have to watch out what I take.

As someone who is almost in your wifes position (I rarely feel like getting intimate) well…I feel like it’s a bit unfair to ask of you. I’m kind of shocked. Unless you’re forcing it on her, someone else did, or she was sexually abused I really can’t imagine why she wouldn’t want it. I kind of wish I could have sex, but even when I do have any desire, it’s too painful. So unless it’s painful for her as well…but you have kids…

I know you said no to counseling, but perhaps you both could go visit a priest? Or another idea would be a married couples retreat too. Before my husband and I got married this past October, we had to go on an engaged couples retreat. We heard a lot of really good talks about marriage and communication and all sorts of stuff, and I think it would be beneficial.

Don’t forget to pray to God! He will guide you! You may find Adoration helpful. It’s quiet and peaceful and that’s when I’m able to listen best to God!

You do need to talk to your wife about this, and why all of a sudden too. Just sit down sometime away from everything else, don’t do anything else, and calmly, and I stress CALMLY talk about what’s going on and what options are available to you both!

I will be praying for you. God Bless!
 
Praying for you and your wife. God bless you.
Please try to talk to her and see a priest.
 
Not knowing the whole story here, these are just some thoughts based on my experiences.
yy1267 said:
Tonight my wife told me that she can live without sex and doesn’t like sex.
As a wife who has very low sex drive, especially since the birth of my son, I totally disagree with your wife’s actions here, assuming that you are not abusing or cheating on her. It’s extremely unhealthy for a marriage when one spouse demands sex from the other, or completely denies the other spouse sex. The spouses need to find some kind of middle ground that is mutually acceptable here.
Its been a while since we last had sex and we were going to have sex tongiht but as we were in bed and a few seconds beforfe i would penetrate she dropped thison me and we did nothing.I agree with the PP who mentioned this was very poor timing on your wife’s part. Why couldn’t she at least let you know before you got all revved up?

She says there is soemthing wrong with me for wanting sex and not being able to go without it, she says i should see a doctor and control myself, she doesnt seem to understand that i produce these hormones and have extra hormones which is my medication.
Wanting intimacy is very normal and natural, even healthy for a marriage. However, you should be able to go without sex if you need to. What would you do if your wife became ill or injured in a way that made sex impossible? It’s starting to sound like you may be using your wife as a means of sexual release.

The only way i could lower my sex drive would be to stop taking all my medication and i would return to how i was before i met my wife, white/yellow skin, thin and no sex drive but i was so depressed as i had no hormones. I was nearing deaths door then and not takingmy medication would put me back there but taking my medication keeps my sex drive up high.
Are your medications prescribed to treat a severe medical condition, or is it for vanity’s sake? I’m thinking it’s probably the former, but your post makes it sound to me like the latter. If the medications are necessary, then I would talk to your doctor about your problems and see if he can help you somehow, perhaps by reducing your doses or changing to another med that doesn’t cause such high sex drive. Maybe also get a second opinion from another doctor.

I would be happy with sex once a week but she doesnt want it again.
I know every couple has a different definition of what’s a “normal” frequency for them. Once a week sounds reasonable to me, but if you were pestering her for it daily, then I can see why she would be exasperated and close up shop.

As a catholic *i cant even give myself relief *as that would send me to hell. I even get jealous inside when i see her kiss and cuddle the children and the dog. i dont want her to not kiss and cuddle the children but when i see her show affection to the dog and i get none i feel completely worthless.
First of all, good for you for being faithful to the Church teachings on this matter. However, the phrase I italicized makes it sound, again, as if you may be using your wife for the release. Also, your wife may be afraid that if she shows you any affection at all, then you may take it as an invitation for sex. I’ve seen women on here complain over and over again that they can’t get just a hug, kiss, or massage, from their husband, without the husband thinking it would lead to sex, so they would simply avoid physical affection altogether. I’ve also read, from some of the same women, that if their husband didn’t want sex all the time, they would enjoy it more, and be more inclined to initiate. Perhaps some of these women will chime in and give you some advice from the BTDT wife’s perspective.

My wife will never go to counseling if you suggest it.
This is too bad, as it sounds like your marriage is in trouble. Would you attend marriage counseling if she agreed to go, or are you just using the “wife won’t go” as an excuse? (You don’t need to answer here, just think about it.) Would she agree to attend a retrouvaille encounter as the PP mentioned?
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Some other thoughts to consider: (You don’t need to answer here if you don’t want to, but just think about them)

Are the two of you using NFP? Is your wife afraid to become pregnant again? How old are your children? Is she currently pregnant or nursing(those hormones can alter a woman’s sex drive and make NFP tricky)?

Do you have a newborn or young child who does not sleep well at night? Do you not contribute as well as she would like to the caring for children and cleaning of the house? Does she work outside the home? Maybe she’s exhausted. Perhaps you could help out with the dishes, or bathtime, or whatever needs to be done.

Has your wife mentioned feeling used by you? If so, then you really need to listen to her feelings without being defensive of your own actions. Just listen and take it in.

Do you ask for sex frequently? If you ask much more than she wants to give it, even subtle hints, she may perceive that as badgering.

What are the other issues in your marriage? It sounds like communication is probably one of them.

Does your wife have a history of abuse or mental illness?

This situation seems to be a case of a woman who has been building up resentment for quite some time, and it finally came to a head. I’m not saying it’s all your fault, as you have both most likely contributed to this problem. You need to honestly look at your faults and strive to improve them for the sake of your marriage. Making excuses for poor behavior, like, “I need sex because of my medication,” will not improve your marriage.

I’m not trying to pick apart your character, OP, just giving you some things to consider if they apply to your situation.

Prayers!
 
GracedUpon said:
Not knowing the whole story here, these are just some thoughts based on my experiences.

Some other thoughts to consider: (You don’t need to answer here if you don’t want to, but just think about them)

Are the two of you using NFP? Is your wife afraid to become pregnant again? How old are your children? Is she currently pregnant or nursing(those hormones can alter a woman’s sex drive and make NFP tricky)?

Do you have a newborn or young child who does not sleep well at night? Do you not contribute as well as she would like to the caring for children and cleaning of the house? Does she work outside the home? Maybe she’s exhausted. Perhaps you could help out with the dishes, or bathtime, or whatever needs to be done.

Has your wife mentioned feeling used by you? If so, then you really need to listen to her feelings without being defensive of your own actions. Just listen and take it in.

Do you ask for sex frequently? If you ask much more than she wants to give it, even subtle hints, she may perceive that as badgering.

What are the other issues in your marriage? It sounds like communication is probably one of them.

Does your wife have a history of abuse or mental illness?

This situation seems to be a case of a woman who has been building up resentment for quite some time, and it finally came to a head. I’m not saying it’s all your fault, as you have both most likely contributed to this problem. You need to honestly look at your faults and strive to improve them for the sake of your marriage. Making excuses for poor behavior, like, “I need sex because of my medication,” will not improve your marriage.

I’m not trying to pick apart your character, OP, just giving you some things to consider if they apply to your situation.

Prayers!
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If i were a quarter of the man you are painting me out to be i would release her from the burden of being married to a selfish monster. ive noticed that when a woman doesnt want intimacy its due to abuse as a child or rape or being told sex was disgusting when young or because the husband is a brute however when the man doesnt want intimacy it is because he is cheating on her or lokking at too much porn or he is selfish or lazy or a brute.

you must understand the difference between no sex because of pregnancy or illness or tiredness and no sex becaus eof rejection. i remember going a year without due to pregnancy but thats not rejection is it.

all i can do is pray, i was just hoping someone had been through the exact same thing and could say its just a phase and it gets better but i will feel eternally rejected.

i feel heartbroken
 
yy1267 said:
If i were a quarter of the man you are painting me out to be i would release her from the burden of being married to a selfish monster. ive noticed that when a woman doesnt want intimacy its due to abuse as a child or rape or being told sex was disgusting when young or because the husband is a brute however when the man doesnt want intimacy it is because he is cheating on her or lokking at too much porn or he is selfish or lazy or a brute.

you must understand the difference between no sex because of pregnancy or illness or tiredness and no sex becaus eof rejection. **i remember going a year without due to pregnancy but thats not rejection is it. **

all i can do is pray, i was just hoping someone had been through the exact same thing and could say its just a phase and it gets better but i will feel eternally rejected.

i feel heartbroken
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:console: I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. It sounds like your wife is being incredibly selfish. I don’t know if it will get better or not, but I pray that it will.

In reference to the bolded: In a healthy, low-risk pregnancy, there is generally no medical need to avoid relations, unless the doctor orders “pelvic rest” for some reason. However, between crazy hormones, increased sense of smell, morning sickness, and fatigue, pregnancy can completely kill a woman’s sex drive, and even make it painful for some women.
 
You know, I don’t like it when people blame the woman for a man’s sexual sin, and I think what’s good for the gander is good for the goose. This woman is committing sin by unilaterally refusing not only sex with her husband, but being intimate with him at all. Something is seriously wrong with a woman who shows more affection to her dog than her own husband. And to tell her husband in the middle of intimacy that she doesn’t like sex…of course it would make him feel rejected! Wanting sex once a week does not make a husband a brute or selfish.

yy1267, I really feel bad for you. Is this lack of interest in sex something that’s always been a problem for your wife, or something that developed recently? As to the hormones, while I know I can’t offer medical advice per Forum Rules I hope it’s allowed to say that you shouldn’t stop any medical treatment without talking to your doctor.

While I agree that you can’t force your wife into therapy, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go yourself. Is there a priest or deacon you’d feel comfortable discussing this with?
 
ToeInTheWater said:
You know, I don’t like it when people blame the woman for a man’s sexual sin, and I think what’s good for the gander is good for the goose. This woman is committing sin by unilaterally refusing not only sex with her husband, but being intimate with him at all. Something is seriously wrong with a woman who shows more affection to her dog than her own husband. And to tell her husband in the middle of intimacy that she doesn’t like sex…of course it would make him feel rejected! Wanting sex once a week does not make a husband a brute or selfish.
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I agree. I definitely wouldn’t classify once a week as a “high sex drive”.
 
yy1267 said:
all i can do is pray, i was just hoping someone had been through the exact same thing and could say its just a phase and it gets better but i will feel eternally rejected.
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It’s hard to tell from a few internet posts, but it sounds like I’ve been through the same thing with my first wife. As you might guess from the adjective “first”, it didn’t get better for me. It got worse and worse, until my wife filed for divorce.

Everything you’ve written can be explained with one root cause: Your wife is finding your very presence increasingly unbearable/intolerable. Any interventions that don’t address that root cause are doomed to fail.

I wish you better luck than I had.
 
yy1267 said:
Tonight my wife told me that she can live without sex and doesn’t like sex. This is a permanant thing, not just for today.
Its been a while since we last had sex and we were going to have sex tongiht but as we were in bed and a few seconds beforfe i would penetrate she dropped thison me and we did nothing.

She says there is soemthing wrong with me for wanting sex and not being able to go without it, she says i should see a doctor and control myself, she doesnt seem to understand that i produce these hormones and have extra hormones which is my medication.

The only way i could lower my sex drive would be to stop taking all my medication and i would return to how i was before i met my wife, white/yellow skin, thin and no sex drive (i wasnt even producing sperm) but i was so depressed as i had no hormones. I was nearing deaths door then and not takingmy medication would put me back there but taking my medication keeps my sex drive up high.

I would be happy with sex once a week but she doesnt want it again. There is no cuddling or kissing either, even in bed it is if we were two male friends who had to share a bed for the night but didnt want to accidently brush up against each other.

As a catholic i cant even give myself relief as that would send me to hell. I am trapped in this merrygoround and i even get jealous inside when i see her kiss and cuddle the children and the dog. i dont want her to not kiss and cuddle the children but when i see her show affection to the dog and i get none i feel completely worthless.

My wife will never go to counselling if you suggest it.

sorry fio long post.
:(😦
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So sorry for your situation 😦 You have no right to go through this kind of problem. Like many of the other posters here have said, it does seem like she does have some kind of actual problem (be it medical, psychological, both, etc.). It sounds like it could be depression (no sex drive, no affection, etc.) She definitely does not sound well and though she says she won’t see a counselor, that’s one thing many people with depression often say. I personally suffer from it (though it comes and goes) and I really do think that that’s exactly what your wife might be suffering from. However, regardless of the cause of this disharmony, I highly advise you find some time when it’s only you and your wife and tell her EXACTLY how all of this has made you feel. Love and marriage are no one way street and you shouldn’t feel like you can’t speak your mind.

Best of luck to you and your wife and God Bless 🙂
 
On behalf od your wife I pray: The prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
 
Smugleaf said:
It sounds as if she has some serious unresolved issues that cause her to fear or resent intimacy and affection.
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This or that she got traumatized because of something she saw or felt that she didn’t like (I’m talking about while in your married lives) ?

Or maybe depression?
Need of romantic feelings?

hmm…u can try and start over by making her fall in love with u all over again. Win her over again. Some women like to be conquered.
 
For a wife to tell her husband she doesn’t want sex at all and just to get use to it is not natural. IMO she should go to the doctor to find out what is wrong with her physically.

How old is she? Is she peri-menopausal and having hormonal problems? She needs a physical. Why is your medication making you have high sex desire? Has your doctor told you? You need to talk to your doctor about that but she also needs to talk to a doctor specializing in hormonal therapy.

If she just says she is not interested in having sex anymore and isn’t interested in improving it you may need to talk her into going to counseling. Most women are worried when they get to that point. It certainly not fair to you or to your marriage.

I agree with courting her again and maybe not concentrate on sex for awhile, that is what sex therapists say anyway. Get your relationship back on track and the physical side will come along. See is that works but if not you really need outside help of some kind. You got married to be her husband not her brother.
 
Unfortunately, this is just part of life.

Threads about a wife’s low (or non-existent) sex drive are a dime a dozen on the internet. Not here at CAF, though.
 
BobCatholic said:
Unfortunately, this is just part of life.

Threads about a wife’s low (or non-existent) sex drive are a dime a dozen on the internet. Not here at CAF, though.
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Bob hit the nail on the head, my friend.

I’m sorry you are going through this, and I feel your pain, and I am going through this as well. More than likely, it won’t change. I’m going to be totally honest with you. I will pray for you that it will change, but I honestly don’t think it will.

I don’t know what your family life is, but it sounds almost exactly like mine. Currently my wife is pregnant with our second child. I couldn’t be more happier. She’s at 4 months right now, and her sex drive is non-existent. Now, looking back on everything, the only times she’s ever wanted to have sex was to CONCEIVE, and after she got pregnant, our sex life went out the window. My sex drive isn’t extremely high either. I don’t want it every day and could be very satisfied with it once a week. She shows no affection towards me either and if I want a kiss from her, I have to go to her for it. Talking about sex gets into an argument.

You just have to learn to deal with it the best you can. I find that if I go to bed a little later than her, my urges fade. You should NOT have to take medication to lower your libido. If anything SHE should be taking medication to increase hers!

As far as the “help with housework/baby/etc”, I’ve found that out to be ****!(excuse me). You could do cartwheels on the ceiling and have the house spotless, dinner cooked, children bathed and even give her a foot massage, and her excuse will be that she’s exhausted because she watched you do everything. I’m not trying to be funny here, but if your wife doesn’t want it, then she doesn’t want it.
 
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