Marriage help

[KittenHash]

My husband struggles with lust. He has his entire life. Long story short, he has reasons from childhood that make him less culpable for his lustful behavior. This is my struggle.

I apologize in advance if this is graphic… or maybe there is a better place I can put this post…

My husband has equated finishing on someone, instead of in them as the most intimate act someone can do. He often fantasizes about that, while having sex with me. Sometimes he tries to hide it, sometimes he pulls out and finishes that way regardless of how I feel.

He has betrayed me over and over again in this way, and in part, I am responsible for it. We were not catholic when we got together and used to do those kinds of things. We’ve been catholic for a few years now, so this struggle isn’t something new.

I’ve tried praying for him during his temptations and once it resulted in him finishing on me while praying. I felt betrayed by him and abandoned by God.

We have tried catholic counseling, and they suggested masturbation! So counseling is out of the question. And the other counselors we’ve tried just didn’t really hold with or understand the catholic positions.

At different times in our relationship he has confided in another woman and told her that he wishes he were with her (or someone like her) because she could better help him and understand him and have compassion for him in his trials. Luckily that woman is very devout and turned down his advances.

We have nothing in common. I like to try new things and be out and about, he is a homebody and discourages most things I enjoy (if I try a new recipe, he doesn’t eat it because mango or bananas or brussle sprouts are too exotic.

We used to host catholic friends once or twice a month, which really helped my need for socializing and support (not that I talked to any of them about this stuff, I mean really, who can you talk to about intimate perversions in a marriage). But that had to stop because he was attracted to some of the women and had to resist the urge to expose himself to them.

He has always had an urge to expose himself and has often tried (to many different people). He was recently arrested and spent a week in jail because of it and is now a sex offender. That means no going to the park with the kids and it gets him out of most things that may require leaving the house with the kids. It also puts a strain on me because I help people by watching their children and I can’t leave my house when I do this (not that he is a threat to young children in any way, but by law I can’t).

I have been struggling through all of this (and more) because he is a devout catholic and he is struggling and he has made improvements and strides. We’ve been married for more then 10 years and have 4 children together. All of this stuff that has happen over the past few years (if I tried to state everything that has happened it would surely be more then could fit into these posts).

Recently he has confided in me that he has looked at porn, but then said it was out of curiosity and not something to worry about. He said it was wrong. He did this after telling me that he was struggling and asking if we could have sex. I told him that I had too many young children to do that now, but that within a few hours we could. He finished on his own to those thoughts and images he had conjured up in his head. For the past year or more, he has been battling thinking about finishing on me while we are having sex. He uses those thoughts to help him finish.

I feel used. I feel like the gift of myself that I have been giving him is unappreciated and that I am stuck. I know divorce is not ok. I also know that he is a great and caring father and that these perversions shouldn’t prevent our children from living in a whole family. I’m sorry, I know it’'s a lot at once, and this is my first post. I don’t even know i there is a question in this post, I am just so bottled up and everything is making me feel like crying.

 

[Trishie]

Dear KittenHash

My immediate concern is that you do know that you are precious and that your husband’s issues are not a bad reflection on you. You need to be centered and strong a person and as a mother, and so I will be praying that you be protected from allowing your husband’s difficulties to erode who you are as a daughter of God and as mother of your four children.

Your stress and distress is very natural, but I do notice that long after you posted, no one else has yet responded. This is because, perhaps, it is difficult to know how to respond.

We can’t change others, we can only go forward with kindness and respect even where respect may be difficult sometimes. I’m no expert but it does seem possible that something may not be wired up entirely correctly in your husband’s brain regarding sexuality, painfully enough to get him on a sex offender list. If it is spiritual not physical, do ask St Michael’s help,

That this is so, that you have been through so much, but remain kind and faithful, shows that although you are so confused and weary, you do have a wonderful spirit. God has answered your prayers with strength for yourself to be faithful, and to recognize his good qualities amid the distressing ones you speak of. Sometimes the prayer is answered in the pray-er, and whilst many other women might have crashed, you manage to carry on. I thank God for that, and my heart goes to you, but also with admiration. There is no unkindness in your sharing, despite all the hurt you feel.

Please know I’ll be praying for you, your children, and your husband.

With kindest wishes,

Trishie

 

[E_7]

As harshly as it sounds although you probably know by now, he is not loving you nor respecting you. He needs spiritual direction, I recommend an Opus Dei priest. And he needs counselling and therapy.

 

[mommamaree]

KittenHash,

I am so sorry for your marriage troubles. As you already know, this situation is so serious that no one on a forum is going to be able to help, except to say that your feelings and concerns are natural and that you are welcome to seek encouragement here. There is a group here, called Women Suffering Because of Unchastity, which helps wives of husbands who are in the grips of unchaste sins and addictions. You can find it by clicking on the Groups button at the top of the forum page.
Your husband is experiencing some powerful temptations to perverted and sinful behaviors. His mistreatment of you is wrong, and it sounds like he needs serious psychological help to overcome them. But for you, you are being so kind and faithful, to God and your husband, and I encourage you to reach out for support for yourself, either here or in counseling.

God bless you and I will offer a prayer for you tonight.

P.S. one more thought occurred to me while I was praying for you: it is very unwise to be watching other people’s children in your home. I am sorry if this sounds harsh. I don’t mean it to be. But my little sister was molested by a man who was, like your husband, tempted to expose himself. He was the husband of her babysitter. We don’t know if it happened to any other children, but it happened to her, and it happened while his wife, the babysitter, was home, and other children knew what had been going on, and THEY were the ones who walked in and saved her from another attempt. It is really not right to expose other children to danger like that. Even if the parents know and seem unconcerned about it, the children themselves are too young and vulnerable to be able to make that decision for themselves.

 

[Xantippe]

P.S. one more thought occurred to me while I was praying for you: it is very unwise to be watching other people’s children in your home.

Yeah, under the circumstances, it’s only a matter of time before clients figure out that he’s a registered sex offender. It opens you both up to false accusations, so I don’t think it’s prudent.

 

[Xantippe]

KittenHash,

Your husband’s favorite thing is a very porn-y desire. It would surprise me very much if he didn’t have a serious habit with pornography.

Definitely seek outside help.

You said:

“We have tried catholic counseling, and they suggested masturbation! So counseling is out of the question. And the other counselors we’ve tried just didn’t really hold with or understand the catholic positions.”

You have no future together if you don’t find outside support of some kind. I’m not familiar with them, but I believe there are sex addiction support groups that might be helpful. The exhibitionism is probably the thing to work on first, because it is a criminal offense and it could lead to jail and loss of the ability to support your family.

I would suggest a full psychological evaluation. It’s possible, for instance, that there is some OCD present that is causing his compulsions.

I think you have to be prepared for the eventuality that even if you stay together, you will find yourself the breadwinner in your family. And then think about the fact that your husband has little control over his sexual compulsions and might easily start exposing himself to your children. If he has so little self control that he has exposed himself to strangers, what is stopping him from exposing himself to your kids?

This is an awful situation. Don’t try to go it alone. You’ll need a lot of expert advice to protect you and your children.

 

[Xantippe]

I hate to mention this, but there is a possibility that you are eligible for an annulment. Talk to a priest you trust about your issues. If you don’t want to be graphic, “unnatural acts” covers his sex act of choice.

That does not solve the problem of how to support you and your children or how to explain a divorce to your kids, but it is one of the options on the table, and it may be the cleanest and safest for all of you.

I wouldn’t normally mention annulment, but this is an extreme situation, and it sounds like the impediments have been present for a very long time.

Best wishes!

 

[QuasiCatholic]

I’m hung up on the fact that you were praying during sex – I can’t imagine that’s much of a turn on for your husband :\

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think what your husband is doing is a sin (at least not a mortal one), as much as you might find it distasteful. If he has a compulsion for it, he’s not culpable, right? You’re probably worrying about it more than you need to from a religion angle.

On the solution side, my guess would be that – if he’s willing – the type of therapy he’d most benefit from is cognitive behavioral therapy.

 

[Xantippe]

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think what your husband is doing is a sin (at least not a mortal one), as much as you might find it distasteful. If he has a compulsion for it, he’s not culpable, right? You’re probably worrying about it more than you need to from a religion angle.

How about the exhibitionism?

The moral issue aside, that is a crime. The less capable he is of controlling himself in public, the more of a menace he is to innocent bystanders.

If he doesn’t stop right now, he’s going to find himself in jail and unemployable.

 

[E_7]

P.S. one more thought occurred to me while I was praying for you: it is very unwise to be watching other people’s children in your home. I am sorry if this sounds harsh. I don’t mean it to be. But my little sister was molested by a man who was, like your husband, tempted to expose himself. He was the husband of her babysitter. We don’t know if it happened to any other children, but it happened to her, and it happened while his wife, the babysitter, was home, and other children knew what had been going on, and THEY were the ones who walked in and saved her from another attempt. It is really not right to expose other children to danger like that. Even if the parents know and seem unconcerned about it, the children themselves are too young and vulnerable to be able to make that decision for themselves.

I have been a witness/victim of something similar to that which got me traumatised for like 5 years (even today but not much, I ignore) during my late teen years . It made me feel disgusted of all men, that all were perverted and corrupted, I purposely wore too much clothes on and dressed even more tomboyish (not anymore, God forbid). I became an ice towards men. I did not wanted to be alone with any male family member. I threw away on purpose all movies and magazines that had sexual immorality that were in the house and enjoyed to see my dad having a hard time finding them. I was so so so glad to move out of my house when I started college.

These men have a corrupted and perverted mind from all the porn, masturbation addiction, and other sexual immoralities. They start from little and might end up in masturbating in front of others, pedophilia, molesting, rape…They see the world in a different corrupted perspective.

I would not marry a man like that, it is dangerous to the future children. I wouldn’t trust him to let him change their diapers or gave them a bathe…I just couldn’t live knowing that something might happen, even if there is a 1% chance of happening. To this day, the only man I trust more than any male family member or stranger is my husband.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My husband struggles with lust. He has his entire life. Long story short, he has reasons from childhood that make him less culpable for his lustful behavior. This is my struggle.

I apologize in advance if this is graphic… or maybe there is a better place I can put this post…

My husband has equated finishing on someone, instead of in them as the most intimate act someone can do. He often fantasizes about that, while having sex with me. Sometimes he tries to hide it, sometimes he pulls out and finishes that way regardless of how I feel.

He has betrayed me over and over again in this way, and in part, I am responsible for it. We were not catholic when we got together and used to do those kinds of things. We’ve been catholic for a few years now, so this struggle isn’t something new.

I’ve tried praying for him during his temptations and once it resulted in him finishing on me while praying. I felt betrayed by him and abandoned by God.

We have tried catholic counseling, and they suggested masturbation! So counseling is out of the question. And the other counselors we’ve tried just didn’t really hold with or understand the catholic positions.

At different times in our relationship he has confided in another woman and told her that he wishes he were with her (or someone like her) because she could better help him and understand him and have compassion for him in his trials. Luckily that woman is very devout and turned down his advances.

We have nothing in common. I like to try new things and be out and about, he is a homebody and discourages most things I enjoy (if I try a new recipe, he doesn’t eat it because mango or bananas or brussle sprouts are too exotic.

We used to host catholic friends once or twice a month, which really helped my need for socializing and support (not that I talked to any of them about this stuff, I mean really, who can you talk to about intimate perversions in a marriage). But that had to stop because he was attracted to some of the women and had to resist the urge to expose himself to them.

He has always had an urge to expose himself and has often tried (to many different people). He was recently arrested and spent a week in jail because of it and is now a sex offender. That means no going to the park with the kids and it gets him out of most things that may require leaving the house with the kids. It also puts a strain on me because I help people by watching their children and I can’t leave my house when I do this (not that he is a threat to young children in any way, but by law I can’t).

I have been struggling through all of this (and more) because he is a devout catholic and he is struggling and he has made improvements and strides. We’ve been married for more then 10 years and have 4 children together. All of this stuff that has happen over the past few years (if I tried to state everything that has happened it would surely be more then could fit into these posts).

Recently he has confided in me that he has looked at porn, but then said it was out of curiosity and not something to worry about. He said it was wrong. He did this after telling me that he was struggling and asking if we could have sex. I told him that I had too many young children to do that now, but that within a few hours we could. He finished on his own to those thoughts and images he had conjured up in his head. For the past year or more, he has been battling thinking about finishing on me while we are having sex. He uses those thoughts to help him finish.

I feel used. I feel like the gift of myself that I have been giving him is unappreciated and that I am stuck. I know divorce is not ok. I also know that he is a great and caring father and that these perversions shouldn’t prevent our children from living in a whole family. I’m sorry, I know it’'s a lot at once, and this is my first post. I don’t even know i there is a question in this post, I am just so bottled up and everything is making me feel like crying.

I will say it because no one else has.

You are being sexually abused by a registered sex offender. You need to protect yourself and get away as soon as possible.

 

[E_7]

I will say it because no one else has.

You are being sexually abused by a registered sex offender. You need to protect yourself and get away as soon as possible.

I’m already worried about her children living near their father.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m already worried about her children living near their father.

Yes.

 

[mommamaree]

I will say it because no one else has.

You are being sexually abused by a registered sex offender. You need to protect yourself and get away as soon as possible.

Thank you, Hoosier Daddy, for saying this. This is where my mind went when I first read the original post, but I was afraid I was being too hasty and judgemental. But I actually agree with what you say.

I mentioned the children of other parents, but I am also concerned for her own children as well. This honestly terrifies me. My sister’s life was destroyed by such a man, and she is still not able to pick up the pieces. She has serious trust issues, and even though it happened to her and not me (I was at school), I also have trust issues. It took me a very long time to not see every male as a threat. Still, the only make I trust with my children is my husband, their father, because we have known each other for 20 years now.

So, yes, I agree that KittenHash is being sexually abused, and I think it is highly likely that she is not his only target.

 

[Xantippe]

So, yes, I agree that KittenHash is being sexually abused, and I think it is highly likely that she is not his only target.

Given the exhibitionism, I think we know that for a fact.

 

[Trishie]

Heavenly Father we entrust KittyHash’s family and situation to Your wisdom and guidance, to Your healing and grace. Please give her strength, healing, and the guidance that she needs to live and choose according to Your merciful love.

Please give unfailing protection to her children and ensure that her husband’s human weakness and unholy impulses do not come to affect them. The children are ever present in her husband’s life so please ensure that as other contacts are reduced, the children do not become a harmful focus as they grow. Such can be insidious. I never spoke of my abuse by my Dad’s young brother to my parents, nor did my sisters speak it even amongst ourselves until years later, so other adults don’t always know of harm caused. I didn’t intend writing this and don’t want to make this poor wife and mother feel worse, but it is alarming that this man has such difficulty in controlling his urges and has a skewed idea of sex. All I can say, is Father please shield these children from all harm, now and in the future as they grow into young men and women. One can ask for a miracle of healing, because a miracle, not simply a hope, is needed for the conversion and healing of this man’s mind and soul. If You will.

KittyHash you do need the guidance of a fully-informed wise guide. There is only so much we can know or judge through internet threads.

 

[probleman]

Trishie:

Thank you for your excellent example of kind and charitable prudence.

E_7 and Xantippe and Hoosier Daddy:

This poor woman came here looking for support and help. But instead, you made rash judgments about her husband’s current state.

You claimed he’s currently a danger to her and others, and telling her that she’s currently suffering from abuse. Your accusations against him have no basis.

You claim that her husband is still actively offending, with no evidence to support it. Her use of the word “recently” clearly varied, as at one point she said something “recently” happened and then elaborated by saying that “all of this stuff that has happen over the past few years”. This incident seems to have happened years ago.

At another point she used the word “recently” to refer to him admitting to having “looked at porn”, but we have no idea when within the last year this happened. The only current issue that she says they still have is that he fantasizes about finishing on her during sex, which seems to be what sparked her original post.

But then she went on to explain that her husband “has made improvements and strides”. By no means am I condoning anything he’s done. But he’s clearly not the monster you painted in your portrait of him. He’s battling with fantasies in his head (not very surprising in today’s highly-sexualized culture), and as far as we know, it’s been a long time since he’s actually acted on any of them.

And after building up all these unfounded accusations about him in her head, you tried to drive the nail in the coffin by telling her she should divorce him! You actively suggested splitting up her family, with absolutely no basis for thinking there’s still a current issue!

You offered her the option of “annulment” as if it was a cure to marital problems! When in reality, it’s a statement that a marriage was never valid in the first place. And she hasn’t given any context to suggest their sacramental marriage was invalid from the start.

Just so we’re clear, these are the rash judgments and awful things you’ve said that triggered this whole reply, followed by my individual responses to them after each quote:

"he is not loving you nor respecting you" - Again, how do you make such a judgment on another person’s actions, when you get only a glimpse of a selection of them in her post?

"Your husband’s favorite thing is a very porn-y desire" - Again, you’re painting him out like that’s all he ever does.

"You have no future together if you don’t find outside support of some kind." - You are no prophet, you can’t see the future, don’t make such bold claims. Suggesting and encouraging her to find outside support is one thing. Claiming her marriage completely depends on it is another thing. Any way, she reached out for help, here. And instead you do this!

"If he has so little self control that he has exposed himself to strangers, what is stopping him from exposing himself to your kids?" - Is that your professional opinion? Do you truly think it’s prudent to offer such gravely serious advice willy-nilly like that to a clearly upset woman?

"I hate to mention this, but there is a possibility that you are eligible for an annulment." and “That does not solve the problem of how to support you and your children or how to explain a divorce to your kids, but it is one of the options on the table, and it may be the cleanest and safest for all of you.” - I don’t even…

"but this is an extreme situation" - Again, no evidence supports that it’s currently still as extreme as she explained it to be in the past. You’re making rash judgments which you have no basis for.

"The less capable he is of controlling himself in public, the more of a menace he is to innocent bystanders." - Again you’re assuming that this is a current problem when she presented no evidence of this.

"They see the world in a different corrupted perspective." - You said yourself that your past made you biased to feel “that all were perverted and corrupted”, yet you made this accusation about how her husband looks at the world, as if it was some objective fact.

"You are being sexually abused by a registered sex offender. You need to protect yourself and get away as soon as possible." - Registered sex offender does not mean anything about their current active mental state. There’s no evidence to support that his exhibitionism is something he still struggles with. She also hasn’t given any evidence that she’s actively being sexually abused. See my comment above, her word “recently” often means years ago.

"I’m already worried about her children living near their father."

"So, yes, I agree that KittenHash is being sexually abused, and I think it is highly likely that she is not his only target."

"Given the exhibitionism, I think we know that for a fact."

You’re just building on each other’s scandalous behavior and escalating your own rash judgments! How can you not see this?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Trishie:

Thank you for your excellent example of kind and charitable prudence.

E_7 and Xantippe and Hoosier Daddy:

This poor woman came here looking for support and help. But instead, you made rash judgments about her husband’s current state.

… (edited for space)

"I hate to mention this, but there is a possibility that you are eligible for an annulment." and “That does not solve the problem of how to support you and your children or how to explain a divorce to your kids, but it is one of the options on the table, and it may be the cleanest and safest for all of you.” - I don’t even…

"but this is an extreme situation" - Again, no evidence supports that it’s currently still as extreme as she explained it to be in the past. You’re making rash judgments which you have no basis for.

"The less capable he is of controlling himself in public, the more of a menace he is to innocent bystanders." - Again you’re assuming that this is a current problem when she presented no evidence of this.

"They see the world in a different corrupted perspective." - You said yourself that your past made you biased to feel “that all were perverted and corrupted”, yet you made this accusation about how her husband looks at the world, as if it was some objective fact.

"You are being sexually abused by a registered sex offender. You need to protect yourself and get away as soon as possible." - Registered sex offender does not mean anything about their current active mental state. There’s no evidence to support that his exhibitionism is something he still struggles with. She also hasn’t given any evidence that she’s actively being sexually abused. See my comment above, her word “recently” often means years ago.

"I’m already worried about her children living near their father."

"So, yes, I agree that KittenHash is being sexually abused, and I think it is highly likely that she is not his only target."

"Given the exhibitionism, I think we know that for a fact."

You’re just building on each other’s scandalous behavior and escalating your own rash judgments! How can you not see this?

Welcome to the forums.

There is no need to chide those of us who are acting not in judgement of the man, but in protection of the abused.

I have seen it several times on these forums.

In time, you will experience other situations that will affect and change your post above.

Again, welcome.:clapping:

 

[sdegutis]

Welcome to the forums.

There is no need to chide those of us who are acting not in judgement of the man, but in protection of the abused.

I have seen it several times on these forums.

In time, you will experience other situations that will affect and change your post above.

Again, welcome.:clapping:

I have seen your posts several times. You’re among those I generally ignore. But in this case, your imprudence and rashness did much more damage than good. So I had to speak up.

 

[Xantippe]

You’re just building on each other’s scandalous behavior and escalating your own rash judgments! How can you not see this?

From the original post:

"We used to host catholic friends once or twice a month, which really helped my need for socializing and support (not that I talked to any of them about this stuff, I mean really, who can you talk to about intimate perversions in a marriage). But that had to stop because he was attracted to some of the women and had to resist the urge to expose himself to them.

“He has always had an urge to expose himself and has often tried (to many different people). He was recently arrested and spent a week in jail because of it and is now a sex offender.”

Can you imagine what it’s like not to even be able to have a pleasant get together with friends at home because your husband is a pervert who is struggling with the desire to expose himself to your women friends?

What kind of life is that?

Or what kind of life is it when one can’t even ask one’s husband to wait a few hours for sex because he cannot control himself? Not to mention his degrading sexual practices with his wife.

It’s just possible that with LOTS of support from a therapist and a sex addicts’ support group that the OP’s husband may be able to pull himself together and they’ll be able to have a reasonably normal life together (well, except for the sex offender issue, which could easily cripple his ability to provide for his family), but the OP is reporting such a high degree of compulsion that a happy resolution seems like a long shot.

On the one hand, there may be overwhelming sexual compulsions in play that reduce the husband’s moral responsibility for his actions. On the other hand, if the husband is suffering from overwhelming sexual compulsions that reduce his moral responsibility for his actions, that does raise the question of the validity of the OP’s marriage to him.

If I had a relative with this profile of behavior, I would keep him miles away from my children.

There’s nothing wicked about pointing this out. And there’s nothing virtuous about encouraging a spouse to tolerate the intolerable.