Marriage help

[probleman]

Welcome to the forums.

There is no need to chide those of us who are acting not in judgement of the man, but in protection of the abused.

I have seen it several times on these forums.

In time, you will experience other situations that will affect and change your post above.

Again, welcome.:clapping:

No amount of experience in these forums is going to convince me to make rash judgments and to gossip and slander someone, let alone on so little evidence. We are to make charitable interpretations of the hearts and actions of ALL others, not just the socially acceptable. From what this woman wrote, her husband’s only current issue is struggling with fantasies in his head, which he’s not acting out on. And we don’t know how often he still struggles with these fantasies, considering she hasn’t told us. And even so, she can’t really know what’s in his head, so she may have been assuming the worst in her despair even if it isn’t true.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

No amount of experience in these forums is going to convince me to make rash judgments and to gossip and slander someone, let alone on so little evidence. We are to make charitable interpretations of the hearts and actions of ALL others, not just the socially acceptable. From what this woman wrote, her husband’s only current issue is struggling with fantasies in his head, which he’s not acting out on. And we don’t know how often he still struggles with these fantasies, considering she hasn’t told us. And even so, she can’t really know what’s in his head, so she may have been assuming the worst in her despair even if it isn’t true.

Hopefully all involved can choose the Holy path.

 

[Xantippe]

probleman:

• Registered sex offender does not mean anything about their current active mental state. There’s no evidence to support that his exhibitionism is something he still struggles with.

That’s really…optimistic.

 

[probleman]

You’re just building on each other’s scandalous behavior and escalating your own rash judgments! How can you not see this?

From the original post:

"We used to host catholic friends once or twice a month, which really helped my need for socializing and support (not that I talked to any of them about this stuff, I mean really, who can you talk to about intimate perversions in a marriage). But that had to stop because he was attracted to some of the women and had to resist the urge to expose himself to them.

“He has always had an urge to expose himself and has often tried (to many different people). He was recently arrested and spent a week in jail because of it and is now a sex offender.”

Can you imagine what it’s like not to even be able to have a pleasant get together with friends at home because your husband is a pervert who is struggling with the desire to expose himself to your women friends?

What kind of life is that?

She never said that that was still an issue with him. For all we know, he’s working on it actively and has learned how to cope with these issues. Your compassion for one child of God has turned into slander and making unfair accusations of another child of God.

Or what kind of life is it when one can’t even ask one’s husband to wait a few hours for sex because he cannot control himself?

She only said that happened once. And we really have no idea how long ago it happened. How can you feel so bold as to say it’s their whole life?

Not to mention his degrading sexual practices with his wife.

And she never said this “practice” is a current thing, she only said it has happened in the past, and that currently he sometimes fantasizes about it. And we don’t know how often he still struggles with this or if it’s gone for good.

It’s just possible that with LOTS of support from a therapist and a sex addicts’ support group that the OP’s husband may be able to pull himself together and they’ll be able to have a reasonably normal life together (well, except for the sex offender issue, which could easily cripple his ability to provide for his family), but the OP is reporting such a high degree of compulsion that a happy resolution seems like a long shot.

To you.

On the one hand, there may be overwhelming sexual compulsions in play that reduce the husband’s moral responsibility for his actions. On the other hand, if the husband is suffering from overwhelming sexual compulsions that reduce his moral responsibility for his actions, that does raise the question of the validity of the OP’s marriage to him.

You’re making unfounded assumptions about the beginning of their marriage which she gave practically no context for!

If I had a relative with this profile of behavior, I would keep him miles away from my children.

That’s one thing. But it’s another thing to offer that as your advice to a hurt woman who is obviously trying to find a way to make her marriage work.

There’s nothing wicked about pointing this out. And there’s nothing virtuous about encouraging a spouse to tolerate the intolerable.

Neither of those are in question. Rather, it’s wrong to make unfounded judgments of someone you don’t know, and even worse, to offer extreme advice such as divorce or annulment based on those judgments!

 

[Xantippe]

No amount of experience in these forums is going to convince me to make rash judgments and to gossip and slander someone, let alone on so little evidence. We are to make charitable interpretations of the hearts and actions of ALL others, not just the socially acceptable.

We also need to make prudent provision for the safety and welfare of vulnerable individuals in our care.

I would not bet any sum of money that this man has not been in some way inappropriate with his children or that he won’t do so in future.

 

[probleman]

probleman;12457637:

Registered sex offender does not mean anything about their current active mental state. There’s no evidence to support that his exhibitionism is something he still struggles with.

That’s really…optimistic.

It’s people like you who make people like me (who have struggled with sexual sins) feel like there’s no hope when in fact there are TONS of success stories if you just open up your eyes. But you refuse to, because of whatever reason. So be it. But don’t bring your own baggage and throw it on top of a poor woman who is seeking help and advice and comfort and support, not rationalization to split her family up!

 

[Xantippe]

It’s people like you who make people like me (who have struggled with sexual sins) feel like there’s no hope when in fact there are TONS of success stories if you just open up your eyes. But you refuse to, because of whatever reason. So be it. But don’t bring your own baggage and throw it on top of a poor woman who is seeking help and advice and comfort and support, not rationalization to split her family up!

Just about everybody has struggled with sexual sin at some point.

 

[probleman]

We also need to make prudent provision for the safety and welfare of vulnerable individuals in our care.

I would not bet any sum of money that this man has not been in some way inappropriate with his children or that he won’t do so in future.

How in the world can you justify such an accusation when NONE of the sexual deviancy his wife described even comes close to pedophilia?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

How in the world can you justify such an accusation when NONE of the sexual deviancy his wife described even comes close to pedophilia?

You obviously feel passionate about this. But be careful that your passion and accusations do not undermine your point. No one on this thread has done anything to warrant your vitriol. In fact, that you are so defensive and supportive of the husband when he did not post is concerning. Because it is the victim here who should be considered. And if that means that some convicted sex offender has not earned the benefit of the doubt then so be it. Are you not concerned for the welfare of the OP?

 

[Xantippe]

How in the world can you justify such an accusation when NONE of the sexual deviancy his wife described even comes close to pedophilia?

The OP’s husband sounds really sloppy and compulsive with his sexuality. It’s always either getting away from or just about to get away from him. He just doesn’t sound like a safe person to have around kids, even if he isn’t technically sexually attracted to kids.

Without a good look at his computer or phone (ew!), we don’t know for sure what he is or isn’t attracted to.

I would not give this person the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, let’s say the OP’s husband is totally 100% uninterested in children.

What happens when his daughters and his daughters’ friends get to be 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 years old? They’ll be technically minors, but will be looking more and more like full-grown women. Will the daughters be safe? Will they ever be able to have friends over or to live a normal life? Won’t everybody at school know and avoid the family like the plague?

I have to add, it’s very common for conscientious parents to look up all of the sex offenders in their neighborhoods and near their kids’ schools.

 

[probleman]

Please give unfailing protection to her children and ensure that her husband’s human weakness and unholy impulses do not come to affect them. The children are ever present in her husband’s life so please ensure that as other contacts are reduced, the children do not become a harmful focus as they grow.

I didn’t intend writing this and don’t want to make this poor wife and mother feel worse, but it is alarming that this man has such difficulty in controlling his urges and has a skewed idea of sex. All I can say, is Father please shield these children from all harm, now and in the future as they grow into young men and women.

The fact that after reading their replies you felt compelled write that is a horrifying testimony to their fear and doubt those other members have scandalously spread, when in fact, as I emphatically proved earlier, there was absolutely no basis for it in the original poster’s post, but these things came purely from those other members and their replies. I am disgusted. Simply disgusted at them, and very disappointed at your own wavering under their influence.

 

[Et_Cetera]

I will say it because no one else has.

You are being sexually abused by a registered sex offender. You need to protect yourself and get away as soon as possible.

Yes, thank you. Why on earth did it take nearly a whole page for someone to come out and say this?

OP: Show him the door. Don’t let him continue to bring your life down with his. You deserve much better.

It really irks me when people come on here and describe clear abuse only to have myriad posters act like it’s something to pray about, wait on, and try to fix. Sometimes relationships can be fixed. When someone is being repeatedly abused, we shouldn’t focus on fixing things, but rather on getting the abused out of the atmosphere of danger and control. The OP is being repeatedly sexually degraded and abused by someone who committed a sexual offense. There’s no saying that he can’t be helped and there’s also no way of saying that things won’t get worse. While I believe that we as a society have a duty to help those in need of counseling (like the OP’s husband), I don’t think that people like the OP have a duty to have their lives made miserable by these kinds of people. Right now he needs the help of professionals. If he can’t afford it, then there should be some type of government mental health agency to help with funding (that’s where society comes in).

No one should be made to feel that they have to stay in an abusive relationship. I don’t care if they’re married or not. It’s not okay.