Marriage: how long is TOO long to wait?

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If you meet in high school, I can see dating for 5 years before the man proposes.

Anything other than that, though, and you’ve got yourself some kind of Peter Pan-syndrome guy.

I think that by 18 months, and definitely by 2 years, a guy should be sure whether he wants to marry his girlfriend or not. And he should propose as soon as he is sure, so he isn’t stringing her along, making her worry if she is wasting her life, etc. I mean, seriously, if an adult can’t make a decision with 2 years worth of data, then he can’t make ANY decision! (This only applies to regular relationships, face to face. Long distance requires a longer timetable, because it’s so much easier for people to hide character flaws or dealbreaker behaviors.)

Heck, my DH and I started dating senior year of high school and he asked me to marry him before the end of that summer. The only reason we waited four more years was that his mother begged him to wait until he had his degree, and ROTC candidates are not allowed to be married. So we got married after we both graduated from college and he was comissioned.

And as to the temptation issue… yeah, four years is a LONG time and we did not make it to the altar as virgins. We really had no family support for that ideal anyway, but I’m not sure we would have made it four years even if we had. Our physical attraction is exceptionally strong, even now after 12 years of marriage.

I am very traditional and do believe that it is the MAN that should ask the WOMAN to marry him. Making that commitment is just radically different for a man… let’s face it, women are usually ready to say yes. We crave marriage in a way men just don’t. And we can get ourselves into some fairly heinous tangles if we don’t respect that and treat it with care and due diligence. Engagement should happen when a man has gotten to a point where he has realized that he doesn’t want to face life without his beloved, and he wants to face the vulnerability of being attached and obligated to her forever. That is a huge leap for a man to take. I’m not explaining this adequately… but this is why I really think that the man should do the asking.

I mean, seriously, how pathetic did we all think it was when Britney Spears bought her own engagement ring? I know I thought, “Desperate much?” We all knew she was rushing and forcing things… and look how it turned out.

P.S. Charlotte408, if your example is autobiographical, you are setting a TERRIBLE example for your child by shacking up in front of her. How will she learn the value of marriage by watching that? (If your example has nothing to do with you personally, then disregard that comment, or insert the name of the person doing the shacking up.)
 
1ke hit it on the head - should be an advice columnist. You are waiting for nothing, cause this guy is not the marryin’ kind. The fact that he isn’t may be a very good thing for you. Breaking up is bad enough, but having to go through it after the wedding is much worse.

Good luck, Charlotte408,and God Bless you.
 
I agree with 1ke and others. 5 years is too long to wait with no sign that he really is going to marry you. That is a long time in your life to waste waiting on a guy.

My husband and I dated three years before we were engaged, but we were in college during part of that time. I am two years younger than him. When I had graduated from undergrad, he was still finishing up his masters and we lived in separate states for about a year during the courtship, so we didn’t get to see each other that much for the year. It made more sense to wait until we were both done school and at least one of us had a job. Also, during those three years of dating we were already discussing and discerning marriage. We both knew we wanted to be married to each other about a year into our courtship and used the time we had to get to know each other better.

My sister and her beau have been dating about a year. They are talking marriage. Problem is that they don’t get to see each other that much since it is a long distance relationship. He has also been just accepted to become an officer in the Navy, so it will be a further test on their love and commitment to each other while he is away and traveling.

My parents dated three months (seeing each other every day) and got engaged. Was married about a year later at 26 and 23 (my mother is older). They both already had good jobs and it didn’t make any sense to wait a long time to marry since they both knew they wanted to be married to each other. They’ve been married 38 years and still have a lot of love for each other.
 
To the OP: Do you really want to marry this man, or is he just “safe”; i.e., he makes it possible for you to always have an escort when you go out to eat or to the movies, so you don’t have to eat alone or watch a movie alone. And he comes to office parties with you so you aren’t the odd person with no partner. And he watches TV with you and helps you with household jobs and lifts heavy things, which means that you don’t have to hire a handyman.

It seems to me that if you REALLY wanted to marry this man, you would let nothing stop you, and if you were sure of his love for you, you wouldn’t be afraid to ask him straight out, “Can we set a date?”

So I suspect that possibly, you don’t really want to marry him, but you don’t want to break it off because then you might be alone and unable to find someone else.

That’s a tough situation, but think about it this way. It’s really not fair to the man to keep him as a very strong “girlfriend.” He can’t date and find the right woman for himself as long as you are holding on to him. And you can’t be free, either.
 
I agree with 1ke. I know this is difficult to hear, but is it possible that he’s “just not that into you”? Maybe it’s not marriage, but marriage to you.

I dated someone for almost 3 years who set all these timelines and conditions on marriage. Finally, I realized that I wasn’t going to wait around. Well, he’s married and happy now, and I am engaged to someone else. You can’t force someone to marry you, and otherwise good and decent people may not be honest enough with themselves (meaning him, not you).

You’ll be in my prayers - I know how hard this is…
 
Wow, even I think 5 years is too long. If I ever meet someone, I’d probably want to date for 2 - 3 years but 5 is way too long.
 
You guys are tough.

It took me nearly 10 years to propose (all as adults), and that wasn’t because I wasn’t the “marryin’ type” or because I didn’t believe in the sacrament, or anything like that. I waited until I was ready to start a family, and it took me 10 years to get to that point.
 
Haha! I guess I should show this thread to my boyfriend!

We’ve been dating for over 4.5 years now. And we’re not engaged. Granted, we met the first week of college and have been going out since freshman year of college until now. I’m 23, he’s 24.

There were times I was like you all, thinking 5 years?! No way! But honestly, when you love someone, you don’t put ultimatums up. You talk with them yes, but you don’t push them. If you’re confident they love you, then there’s no reason to worry.

As for our situation, I know he’s wanting to save up money for a house. We both at this point in time live with our parents. And hey, we live 4 hours apart too! Fun times.

And as far as remaining chaste, if we can do it, anyone can. Both of us believe in remaining chaste until marriage and have maintained that stance our whole time together. And we haven’t faltered.

So, in the past yes, I have been like, man if he doesn’t ask me after 4 years I’m going to tell him how it is! I’ve found that doesn’t work. Getting upset or depressed or angry doesn’t help. If you love someone you respect their opinions and their time table as well as yours. God doesn’t make mistakes, and if He means for you to date for 5 years, then so be it.

Would I like to be married? Yes, of course. But at this point I just pray to God every day and don’t worry about it. We talk about marriage, so I know that I just need to trust in both my boyfriend’s ideas and God’s plan. I can certainly tell you it has helped with my patience issue. I’ve always been the most impatient person you could meet, and well, this has helped me see that that isn’t the best way to live your life.
 
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