Marriage in crisis... Help in the Church?

[pabloSD]

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

My marriage is in a big crisis. Major communication problems, no sexual life, differences in the way we want to raise our children, etc.

My wife has proposed separation several times, but I’m the one who always says no.
Today we decided to look for help to save our marriage and our family (we have two small children, 6 and 2).

My wife talked to her mother today, and my mother-in-law said to look for God, that He will be the only one to really help us save our family and marriage. Although my mother-in-law is a Cathequist, I was surprised to hear that she said to look for God where our heart leads us, even if it’s not in the Church.

Anyhow, today I went to our local parish and I went to confession with a priest who I really trust. He recommended me that we attend a married couples group that meets on Wednesday evenings there.

Tonight I proposed it to my wife, but her reply was this: “Every couple we know that has saved their marriage through religion was able to find help OUTSIDE the Catholic Church, never in the Church.”

By that she meant that most couples we know that have been able to restore their marriages have done so by going to evangelical churches or something protestant. Never Catholic. In fact, being at the border, a couple of weeks ago in Mexico there was the case of a very popular comedian and TV personality who separated from his wife. But they decided to become “Christians” and join “Christianity” (that’s how the Mexican tabloids described it), and were able to get back together. And supposedly they are very happy now that they found God.

I think my wife is leaning more towards something like that. Her sister, in fact, is a major influence in this. Her husband is in prison here in San Diego, been there for almost a year. And since then, he’s become a “Bible-expert,” born-again Christian. She’s doing the same outside. My SIL is very anti-Catholic now. She’s encouraging my wife to seek help for our marriage outside the Catholic Church, too.

I want to remain in the Church. We will go to the marriage group this Wednesday night in our local parish. I know she will go with a critical attitude, trying to find something that she doesn’t like to use that as an excuse to look somewhere else (that is, in a “Christian” church).

What do you think? Can we find real help (counseling, strong marriage group, spiritual guidance) within the Church to be able to save our marriage and family?

I don’t want a divorce. We were married in the Church, and I do believe we have to be together forever.

Thank you,
En Cristo,
Pablo

 

[LilyO]

We recommend Retrouvaille. retrouvaille.org/

My husband and I went on a Retrouvaille weekend. We highly, highly recommend it.

Re: The Catholic Issue here is what the website says:

Retrouvaille is Catholic in origin. Couples of all faiths and those with no faith tradition are welcome and encouraged to attend. …

The program is not designed to promote a specific religion. Atheists, agnostics and those of various religions are respected for their beliefs and encouraged to attend for the benefit of their marriage.

It is my hope that she opens her heart. In the meantime, I will be praying for you both and your marriage. God bless you.

 

[lily20]

Your wife may be becoming protestant. I guess it may be the most stressful part of your marriage?

I would just accept her as she is if you want the marriage to work out, just say ok, you can go do that but I want to stick to this for now. Don’t judge her harshly or say bad things about her, it will only make it worse.

Also if she wants a separation let her go. It may be essential to take a break to be in prayer/fasting and restore and accept some new changes from each other. Sounds like the nature of your relationship has changed. This takes time to integrate and accept on both sides. I would just let her go. Say-- ok, then.

Prayer, daily kind words, acts of love, and years of patience can turn a hard heart back to Christ. Sounds like she is a believer in Christ, it’s just the nature of her religion that has changed, and some of her beliefs. Find the blessings in your life right now, there are many! Rejoice in your suffering. God Bless You, may you have Peace.

Romans 5:3
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;

Lily

 

[1ke]

Of course you can find help for your marriage in the Church. There are groups like Retrouvaille, priests who do counseling, Catholic Charities who does counseling, marriage groups like the one you plan to attend.

BUT, that isn’t the real problem. Your wife has some other major problems and issues and this is just a symptom/excuse. Her real problem is a crisis of faith. I suggest involving a priest.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You have family members who are destroying what you are trying to build. By urging your wife AWAY from the Church, your SIL is causing more problems in your marriage and ultimately, in your wife’s faith life. “Saved” ex-Catholics can be the worst of all…

I know you already know this. It is good that your wife at least wants to work on the marriage. It is not good that she is turning away from the Church in order to do this. Your wife should have cleaved unto you, and left her biological family to the point where she trusts you and looks to you for leadership, not her sister. But it doesn’t sound as though that happened. Or she would not be giving so much credence to her sister.

If the counselor she will see is not Anti-Catholic, I would consider going. Most marriage counselors do not want their clients to divorce, but please verify that before agreeing to see him/her. You have to be cautious.

Ultimately, her choices will be: Stay with you or leave. If she moves more and more toward Protestantism, she will feel more free to leave. I am sorry this is happening to you.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Ultimately her/your committment to your marriage needs to come from within yourselves. Yes, you can pray to God for assistance. However, you both have free will and your ability to keep to your commitments is a personal choice— not dependent on which church you are a part of.

The Catholic Church recognizes that your marriage vow is a covenant with God as well as an agreement between the two of you.

So, if she wants to save her marriage she can certainly do it within the Church.

If she’s thinking about leaving the Church, I highly recommend she study up on the beliefs and teachings of the early Church so she understand 's what she is leaving. It will also help her to understand that any Church she goes to that doesn’t hold to the doctrine of the Real Presence in the Eucharist is contradictory to the earliest teachings— even prior to the Bible. That is, the Church taught from it’s inception, even prior to the declaration of the canon of scripture that the Eucharist is the Body and Blood of Christ. I only accept the Bible as scripture because I accept the authority of the Catholic Church.

Have her read-- ‘Faith of the Early Fathers’ translated and compiled by William Jurgens.
Then some of Karl Keatings work, I highly recommend ‘Catholicism and Fundamentalism’.

 

[Ubenedictus]

I think the key is communication. Sit with her and tell her what you think, your feelings, fears and hope especially on this issue, be open and listen to what she thinks. If good communication can be established then u have to begin to build your marriage, remember be open. Do not be refine be sincere and honest. Know that God is beside you indeed he is carrying u. Peace.
Ubenedictus