Marriage in trouble

[mbrummer]

My wife moved out almost 4 months ago. Things seemed to be getting better. She had agreed to work on our marriage. A few days ago, she said that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. She doesn’t think our marriage can be fixed and is leaning towards divorce. I love her more than anything, and would do anything to repair our marriage. She seems more focused on making plans to get put of the marriage than making plans to heal it. I am asking for prayers for my marriage and for my wife to realize how much I love her and the importance of our marriage. Thank you all.

 

[Samson01]

mbrummer, take what I have to say for what it’s worth as a husband going through separation/divorce after 24 years and 4 kids. If this continues, it is she loves you but is not in love with you, to she doesn’t love you, to she doesn’t hate you, but hates the things you do, to she hates you…this cycle has to be broken. Do it by any means possible. Counseling, distancing the relationship from all influences determental to the relationship…even pick up and move to restart if needed. Good luck.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

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I would attend counselling on your own as the first step. Every person has an issue from Childhood that needs to be released and this happens to many of us during Marriage unfortunately, and in particular, after having Children. Hold nothing back with the Professional at all; otherwise you will not learn the strategies needed to re-unite with your Wife.

Keep up your attendance at Mass and Reconciliation weekly and pray The Holy Rosary opening up your Heart fully to Jesus and Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus. To feel Jesus and Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus’ Wisdom flowing through; I pray twice and three times daily Believing fully, trusting fully and having full confidence in Him to assist me in every aspect of my Life.

Best wishes

 

[Matthew8]

I am in a similar situation as you, I understand your pain and will pray for your marriage. I live with my wife but we have been having all sorts of marital issues for a long time now. When I talk to her about this, she says the same thing, “I love you but I am not in love with you.” Marriage is a sacrament, it is supposed to be for better or for worse. I like the poster who said “distancing the relationship from all influences determental to the relationship.”

 

[LB_in_TX]

I too have been in a similar situation, you are in my prayers.

 

[hurting]

I am in a similar situation as you, I understand your pain and will pray for your marriage. I live with my wife but we have been having all sorts of marital issues for a long time now. When I talk to her about this, she says the same thing, “I love you but I am not in love with you.” Marriage is a sacrament, it is supposed to be for better or for worse. I like the poster who said **“distancing the relationship from all influences determental to the relationship.”/**quote]

While this is excellent advice with which I wholeheartedly agree, be realistic about the odds of success. To the extent that the OP’s wife is engaging in behavior or associating with persons that/who do not strengthen the relationship, it is because she finds it/them alluring in some way. She is not apt to give any of it up easily.

 

[Steveabrous]

she loves you but is not in love with you

Marriage isn’t about being “In love”. Of course when I told my ex-wife that after she said " I love you but I’m not in love with you" it didn’t help. I have noticed over the last 2 decades that it is almost always the woman that is reponsible for divorces these days. This is an odd trend since the female usually ends up in a worse financial and emotional state a few years after the divorce, and the man has usually picked him self up and rebuilt by then. A bit of encouragement.

distancing the relationship from all influences determental to the relationship…even pick up and move to restart if needed.

This is the key. I am going to give you a piece of reality now- Most people do not go out of their way to leave a stable and secure relationship to be single, it usually involves a grass is greener on the other side scenario. And those words “I love you but I’m not in love with you” are a huge indicator that this is the likely case. I know you don’t want to hear that.
The statistics are overwhelming that a relationship that begins before the end of another relationship will not last, for obvious reasons. TRUST! Then as I pointed out earlier the woman ends up in a much worse state then before the divorce.

You might gather some data and show her the road she is going on. Although I doubt it will do any good.

My suggestion is to turn the heat up. Get proof of her infidelity(if she is being unfaithful) and turn the spotlight on it. Once it is now longer in the dark the man will most likely turn tail and run away rather then get subpoenaed in a divorce hearing.

 

[JohnMPhilomena]

Tell her love is an action - not a feeling. It’s a state of mind of both parties to put the other’s needs ahead of their own.

Have you seen the movie “Fireproof”. I recommend watching it and further getting a copy of the “Love Dare”. I don’t know how useful this will be since your wife has already moved out. Anyway - ask her to watch the movie with you and then ask her to give you the 40 days while you execute The Love Dare. It will change you, and you will change your relationship.

thelovedarebook.com/

Good luck.

Peace,
John M Philomena

 

[mbrummer]

Thank you everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I agree with a lot of what has been said. The big problem is her being away. When she left, she moved in with a family member in St. Louis. She has made many comments about St. Louis being the place for her. More to do there, has a job there, happier there, etc. I believe she is infatuated with the new situation. We live out in the middle of nowhere, so she finds the city life new and exciting. I’ve brought up the whole grass is greener thing and it just makes her defensive. I just hope and pray that she comes to her senses and realizes the impact this all has on me and our kids. I feel that she is being selfish, but if i tell her, she just gets angry and defensive.

 

[Lancer]

You have my prayers especially at Holy Mass.

Also…maybe the Counselling service below might be of some help.

Pax Christi

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exceptionalmarriages.com/index.htm

 

[hurting]

Thank you everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I agree with a lot of what has been said. The big problem is her being away. When she left, she moved in with a family member in St. Louis. She has made many comments about St. Louis being the place for her. More to do there, has a job there, happier there, etc. I believe she is infatuated with the new situation. We live out in the middle of nowhere, so she finds the city life new and exciting. I’ve brought up the whole grass is greener thing and it just makes her defensive. I just hope and pray that she comes to her senses and realizes the impact this all has on me and our kids. I feel that she is being selfish, but if i tell her, she just gets angry and defensive.

Brother, you need to steel yourself for the mother of all battles. While I am hopeful for you, I am not optimistic based on what you’ve shared. You need to carefully document everything that is going on especially as it relates to the kids. You may very well be looking at a divorce filing coming from her in the near future so you need to protect yourself. If you want to save your marriage, do not go on the offensive, but prepare a good defense.

I would echo the sentiments of the earlier poster who hypothesized that there may quite well be some real infidelity going on here.

 

[Steveabrous]

she moved in with a family member in St. Louis. She has made many comments about St. Louis being the place for her. More to do there, has a job there, happier there, etc. I believe she is infatuated with the new situation. We live out in the middle of nowhere, so she finds the city life new and exciting. I’ve brought up the whole grass is greener thing and it just makes her defensive.

Have you suggested that the whole family move to St. Louis. If it is just being in a different place problem solved.

I just hope and pray that she comes to her senses and realizes the impact this all has on me and our kids.

without going into too much detail I can tell you from personal experience that kids who come from divorced families, even in the most ideal situations, are more likely to get into drugs, trouble with the law, teen pregnancy, and they are the prime targets for pedaphiles. You might she her some hard statistical FACTS about this.

I feel that she is being selfish, but if i tell her, she just gets angry and defensive.

She is absolutely being selfish and should be ashamed. When her kids start doing the things I mentioned above she can blame herself.

 

[lily22]

June 2, 2013 Message to Mirjana

“Dear children, in this restless time, anew I am calling you to set out after my Son - to follow Him. I know of the pain, suffering and difficulties, but in my Son you will find rest; in Him you will find peace and salvation. My children, do not forget that my Son redeemed you by His Cross and enabled you, anew, to be children of God; to be able to, anew, call the Heavenly Father, “Father”. To be worthy of the Father, love and forgive, because your Father is love and forgiveness. Pray and fast, because that is the way to your purification, it is the way of coming to know and becoming cognizant of the Heavenly Father. When you become cognizant of the Father, you will comprehend that He is all you need. I, as a mother, desire my children to be in a community of one single people where the Word of God is listened to and carried out.* Therefore, my children, set out after my Son. Be one with Him. Be God’s children. Love your shepherds as my Son loved them when He called them to serve you. Thank you.” *Our Lady said this resolutely and with emphasis.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

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Marriage is the greatest Sacrament within The Holy Spirit that ‘man’ and ‘woman’ can ever undertake! Regardless of the hurts and sacrifices; we are being Blessed through Marriage it is up to us opening up our Hearts fully to God our Heavenly Father and Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus requesting assistance daily!

If God knows it is in our best Soul interests and we have prayed to Him, fully trusting and having confidence in Him; handing over our Marriages to God; He will intervene and give all types of Holy Strategies to His Children for His Love, Respect and Wisdom flowing through both spouses regardless of the situation!

If we truly Love Jesus and reach the point that we acknowledge and ‘know’ Jesus Loves us (ie Jesus coming First in our Lives); then we will love and respect ourselves more through The Holy Spirit, our Spouses coming Third. We must pray for the Spouse who has not reached the point of truly acknowledging and feeling God and Our Holy Mother’s Love (for His Love is always there in and for us); that is what’s required for Marriages to improve.

I am still working on these things; handing over everything to Jesus and Mother Mary for our Most Loving Divine Heavenly Father to flow His Divine Love, Wisdom and Strength through me, my situation and Family ‘Be it in His Will’. Another of the reasons is that satan is blocked out if one has handed over the Marriage and praying for the Spouse daily.

In His Infinite Love and timing “ask and Ye shall receive” Jesus and Our Holy Blessed Mother do intervene and does flow through His Love and Wisdom for us to make the necessary changes by His Will!

Praying The Holy Rosaries regularly assists magnificently in fully opening up our Hearts to feel Jesus Passion making it easier for Him and Mother Mary to flow His Love and Wisdom through us.

Love and best wishes

 

[Viki63]

Do pray the Rosary.
Of course she’s not “in love” with you. Being in love is an emotional state that is not meant to last, and only people in Hollywood and immature teenagers expect it to.
Mature people love their partners and stick with it for the long haul, despite their feelings. Especially when children are involved.
Find a counselor.