L
LongWay2Go
Guest
Hello,
I’m new to this forum but really need some godly and thoughtful advice, so here it goes…
My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years and now have 3 children under the age of 6. We’ve had a turbulent marriage for many years, but of course we don’t believe in divorce and it’s not like things have always been/are always bad… We are both intense and passionate people, which can be a good thing, but also results in explosive confrontations all too often. We have both been pretty verbally abusive to each other over the years and have hurt each other very deeply. However, not long after we were married, my husband’s temper began to manifest itself in physical aggression as well. He has punched holes in the wall, thrown things at me, smashed computers, etc. He has at times gotten physical with me as well, although far more rarely. Again, I could probably count how many times this has happened, and none of the episodes resulted in any real physical pain, but… Although I recognize that this behavior is always wrong and that no one ever asks for it, I should mention that, particularly in the first several years of marriage, I can easily identify ways that I instigated or at least aggravated the situation, leading to this kind of escalation. In any case, about 4 years ago, I started to ask - or rather, beg - him to go to marriage counseling with me. He has consistently refused. I think he thinks counseling is hokey and pointless, but I also thinks he does not want our dirty laundry aired to others (he actually works for our parish in a fairly high profile position, so…). So, I finally stopped trying to make him go and started going by myself. I think it has been really helpful. Although I still lose my temper too often and say things I regret, especially when hormonal, I have made great progress learning how to communicate more effectively. One of the unexpected results of this is that I am realizing that my husband’s outbursts are not always related to my behavior. As I learn to communicate calmly and more dispassionately, I realize that I am often actually not doing anything to ask for these outbursts. I have, however, also come to see ways that I have unintentionally encouraged and invited this behavior - friends of mine call it “enabling” - by constantly cowering to his power plays. Although I often initially tell him that I won’t comply with rude and disrespectful demands, I almost always cave and do it anyway. I think I either start feeling guilty about not responding in the best way, or convince myself that, even if I did respond well, a good wife is a helpful wife, one who works for God even if not for her husband, returning good for evil… In the end, though, I think this probably only encourages him to keep treating me disrespectfully and with disdain…
Anyway, I regained some hope a few months ago when he offered to join me in my counseling session but he hasn’t been back since that first appointment. To be fair, his work schedule is pretty packed and although there have been opportunities when he could have gone again, some of the scheduling conflicts were unavoidable. In the last week or 2, however, things have degenerated even more. Without getting bogged down in details, he recently got enraged over a situation I had no control over. I was very proud that even in the face of his yelling and belittling, I did not respond in kind but instead told him I would help him if he would just speak to me respectfully, but that only seemed to enfuriate him more. After smashing the 2nd laptop this summer, he stomped off to call his secretary and ask her (nicely) for help instead. We have barely spoken since. He has chosen to move into the guest bedroom and has not come home before 8 p.m. - I have no clue whether he has been at work or just avoiding/trying to punish me. Surprisingly, I don’t feel distraught and discombobulated as I used to feel in such situations. In the past, I would have been a wreck. I would be crawling back, trying to do whatever I could think of to try to make it all right and find peace, whether I was in the wrong or not. Now, I realize that, in this instance, as in many others, there is nothing I can do. To be honest, I am kind of thankful for the pseudo-separation. I am tired of living like this. I don’t want to be treated like this any longer. The depression it has launched me into is excruciating. I’ve been working hard trying to be a better wife and I don’t know how to deal with the fact that he’s not (apparently) willing to do the same. To be honest, it’s not even the belittling and aggression that upsets me most - I know people, myself included, can do and say things they regret in the heat of the moment. Bad habits are hard to break. What upsets me most is his complete lack of remorse or attempt to change. Weeks after he destroyed our first laptop a few months ago, he told my flabbergasted brother that he did not regret his behavior because “that’s the only way to get through to someone like her.” I also realize that it is unlikely the situation will change any time soon. The disdain that characterizes our relationship manifests itself in many of his other relationships, with his mother, with co-workers, etc. Seeing this, though it makes me wonder whether such engrained habits will ever change, helps me not take his behavior so personally…
Anyway, I’m just at a loss for what to do. I’ve been going to daily Mass and praying for wisdom, but… I realize it’s hard to give advice when you only hear one side of the story, but if you have any insight, please let me know. Thank you for your prayers in any case…
I’m new to this forum but really need some godly and thoughtful advice, so here it goes…
My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years and now have 3 children under the age of 6. We’ve had a turbulent marriage for many years, but of course we don’t believe in divorce and it’s not like things have always been/are always bad… We are both intense and passionate people, which can be a good thing, but also results in explosive confrontations all too often. We have both been pretty verbally abusive to each other over the years and have hurt each other very deeply. However, not long after we were married, my husband’s temper began to manifest itself in physical aggression as well. He has punched holes in the wall, thrown things at me, smashed computers, etc. He has at times gotten physical with me as well, although far more rarely. Again, I could probably count how many times this has happened, and none of the episodes resulted in any real physical pain, but… Although I recognize that this behavior is always wrong and that no one ever asks for it, I should mention that, particularly in the first several years of marriage, I can easily identify ways that I instigated or at least aggravated the situation, leading to this kind of escalation. In any case, about 4 years ago, I started to ask - or rather, beg - him to go to marriage counseling with me. He has consistently refused. I think he thinks counseling is hokey and pointless, but I also thinks he does not want our dirty laundry aired to others (he actually works for our parish in a fairly high profile position, so…). So, I finally stopped trying to make him go and started going by myself. I think it has been really helpful. Although I still lose my temper too often and say things I regret, especially when hormonal, I have made great progress learning how to communicate more effectively. One of the unexpected results of this is that I am realizing that my husband’s outbursts are not always related to my behavior. As I learn to communicate calmly and more dispassionately, I realize that I am often actually not doing anything to ask for these outbursts. I have, however, also come to see ways that I have unintentionally encouraged and invited this behavior - friends of mine call it “enabling” - by constantly cowering to his power plays. Although I often initially tell him that I won’t comply with rude and disrespectful demands, I almost always cave and do it anyway. I think I either start feeling guilty about not responding in the best way, or convince myself that, even if I did respond well, a good wife is a helpful wife, one who works for God even if not for her husband, returning good for evil… In the end, though, I think this probably only encourages him to keep treating me disrespectfully and with disdain…
Anyway, I regained some hope a few months ago when he offered to join me in my counseling session but he hasn’t been back since that first appointment. To be fair, his work schedule is pretty packed and although there have been opportunities when he could have gone again, some of the scheduling conflicts were unavoidable. In the last week or 2, however, things have degenerated even more. Without getting bogged down in details, he recently got enraged over a situation I had no control over. I was very proud that even in the face of his yelling and belittling, I did not respond in kind but instead told him I would help him if he would just speak to me respectfully, but that only seemed to enfuriate him more. After smashing the 2nd laptop this summer, he stomped off to call his secretary and ask her (nicely) for help instead. We have barely spoken since. He has chosen to move into the guest bedroom and has not come home before 8 p.m. - I have no clue whether he has been at work or just avoiding/trying to punish me. Surprisingly, I don’t feel distraught and discombobulated as I used to feel in such situations. In the past, I would have been a wreck. I would be crawling back, trying to do whatever I could think of to try to make it all right and find peace, whether I was in the wrong or not. Now, I realize that, in this instance, as in many others, there is nothing I can do. To be honest, I am kind of thankful for the pseudo-separation. I am tired of living like this. I don’t want to be treated like this any longer. The depression it has launched me into is excruciating. I’ve been working hard trying to be a better wife and I don’t know how to deal with the fact that he’s not (apparently) willing to do the same. To be honest, it’s not even the belittling and aggression that upsets me most - I know people, myself included, can do and say things they regret in the heat of the moment. Bad habits are hard to break. What upsets me most is his complete lack of remorse or attempt to change. Weeks after he destroyed our first laptop a few months ago, he told my flabbergasted brother that he did not regret his behavior because “that’s the only way to get through to someone like her.” I also realize that it is unlikely the situation will change any time soon. The disdain that characterizes our relationship manifests itself in many of his other relationships, with his mother, with co-workers, etc. Seeing this, though it makes me wonder whether such engrained habits will ever change, helps me not take his behavior so personally…
Anyway, I’m just at a loss for what to do. I’ve been going to daily Mass and praying for wisdom, but… I realize it’s hard to give advice when you only hear one side of the story, but if you have any insight, please let me know. Thank you for your prayers in any case…
(or married in some cases) Your story brought tears to my eyes, but so glad you are out of that relationship. 
I was disappointed in the way things were going but after almost a decade I left him…I lost all hope and could no longer be with someone that was damaging my children so much…My daughter has to see a counselor, she tried to hurt herself when he abandoned them…