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Cubsfan
Guest
Mercygate:
I love your P.S. line.
I don’t know how many times I have heard “…if I don’t do it who will?”
I love your P.S. line.
I don’t know how many times I have heard “…if I don’t do it who will?”
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Em_in_FL
Guest
Hmmm… I’m wondering if she’s overextending herself with volunteering in order to seek some form of appreciation…
In your first post you mention all the things that YOU’RE doing… but what about showing appreciation for her??
I’m wondering if a lack of communication in the marriage is more of the root cause…
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dulcissima
Guest
Perhaps your wife needs a gentle reminder that her vocation is to you, and only by living out her vocation and putting that first can she really be effective at her other interests and responsibilities. This includes children and volunteer work with church or school. The proper order is God first, then spouse, then children. God and a good husband will never let the needs of the children be neglected, so that should never be a concern.
Our vocations are what sanctify us and prepare us for heaven, so your wife should not backburner her relationship with you. (Just try to pretend that this advice is not coming from someone who is divorced though, OK?)
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In_Vino_Veritas
Guest
Agreed. If I gave the impression that that marital sex was not a good thing meant to be enjoyed by both spouses I mis-typed.
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whatevergirl
Guest
It is mine…this is popping up everywhere these days.
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mercygate
Guest
If that is your wife’s line, I would encourage her to ask, regarding her relationship with you, “If I do not love this man as his wife, who will?”
Marriage is a holy covenant bond. We need to love our spouses with all our heart. I agree with earlier suggestions to “ramp up the romance” and carve out time for just the two of you: WHATEVER it costs. Make a deal with another family to trade baby sitting on your respective “date nights”.
Maybe her need to volunteer would be helped, along with your relationship if one of the projects she works on can be done WITH you. Co-teach a CCD class or sacrament prep?
People can use “busyness” as an excuse to avoid facing things that are really troubling them. Or they can use it as a way of proving that they are “good” or “needed.”
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LSK
Guest
I have only seen one post address the possibility that your wife may be going through the very normal, natural stages of menopause. Ok - maybe two.
Oftentimes a medical condition or problem can cause a lowered, or absent, libido. The fact that she volunteers a lot may or may NOT have anything to do with it - but it is curious to me that she announced this to you and you don’t seem to be concerned about her health.
I may be incorrect in this, and if I am I apologize, but this informing you that she no longer is interested in sex seems to have come ‘out of the blue’ so to speak - at least enough so that you were surprised and shocked by the announcement.
Let me put it this way - my mom is 86 years old and has always been very good with money. She was in banking for over 65 years, she knows how to save and invest and spends wisely…if I came home from work one day and she suddenly announced to me that she had decided to buy a luxury sports car I would immediately be suspicious - it would not be like her at all.
So, my thought is this: as her husband you would be well within your ‘rights’ (for want of a better word) to sit her down during your quality time when the kids are gone or in bed and say:
“Loving you has been the greatest decision I have ever made. Being your husband is the most wonderful role I have ever been asked to fullfill. Because I love you, and I am your husband, I am deeply concerned about your sudden pronouncement about our sex life. I am going to start urging you to see your doctor for a complete checkup, I am going to make us an appointment with a Catholic Therapist and together we are going to find out why, out of the blue, you have made the decision to give up sex. And meanwhile, part of our quality time together is going to include praying the Rosary. So let’s get started. In the name of the Father…”
But what do I know? I’m a Niner fan…
Oftentimes a medical condition or problem can cause a lowered, or absent, libido. The fact that she volunteers a lot may or may NOT have anything to do with it - but it is curious to me that she announced this to you and you don’t seem to be concerned about her health.
I may be incorrect in this, and if I am I apologize, but this informing you that she no longer is interested in sex seems to have come ‘out of the blue’ so to speak - at least enough so that you were surprised and shocked by the announcement.
Let me put it this way - my mom is 86 years old and has always been very good with money. She was in banking for over 65 years, she knows how to save and invest and spends wisely…if I came home from work one day and she suddenly announced to me that she had decided to buy a luxury sports car I would immediately be suspicious - it would not be like her at all.
So, my thought is this: as her husband you would be well within your ‘rights’ (for want of a better word) to sit her down during your quality time when the kids are gone or in bed and say:
“Loving you has been the greatest decision I have ever made. Being your husband is the most wonderful role I have ever been asked to fullfill. Because I love you, and I am your husband, I am deeply concerned about your sudden pronouncement about our sex life. I am going to start urging you to see your doctor for a complete checkup, I am going to make us an appointment with a Catholic Therapist and together we are going to find out why, out of the blue, you have made the decision to give up sex. And meanwhile, part of our quality time together is going to include praying the Rosary. So let’s get started. In the name of the Father…”
But what do I know? I’m a Niner fan…
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rebusrms
Guest
I’m not sure if this was mentioned? maybe it was…
Depression could be your cause. Since I was diagnosed with clinical depression years ago, it answered many questions, one of which was a drop in libido. With medication and therapy I am sure her libido will return. It just takes time. I defenently agree with those that have advised you to be your wife’s advocate. I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for my wife’s advocacy. You and your wife are in my prayers.
Depression could be your cause. Since I was diagnosed with clinical depression years ago, it answered many questions, one of which was a drop in libido. With medication and therapy I am sure her libido will return. It just takes time. I defenently agree with those that have advised you to be your wife’s advocate. I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for my wife’s advocacy. You and your wife are in my prayers.
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DJgang
Guest
My guess…Menopause.
Get Dr. John Lee’s book “What the Doctor won’t tell you about Menopause”
I think that’s the title. Just google his name and Menopause, that should get you somewhere.
Menopause can bring about depression. Maybe she’s trying to relieve her depression through the over volunteering. I would definitely speak to the Pastor and tell him that she’s the type that will not say No …he doesn’t live with her!
I will pray for you!
Get Dr. John Lee’s book “What the Doctor won’t tell you about Menopause”
I think that’s the title. Just google his name and Menopause, that should get you somewhere.
Menopause can bring about depression. Maybe she’s trying to relieve her depression through the over volunteering. I would definitely speak to the Pastor and tell him that she’s the type that will not say No …he doesn’t live with her!
I will pray for you!
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GhostMan
Guest
I think it’s obvious: she’s adicted to porn, doesn’t love you anymore, is having an affair and will probably abuse you soon.
Sorry for the rancor. It’s not aimed at the OP, just the namby-pamby responses by some of the people here. When a man posts things like this the wife is given all benefit of the doubt. When a woman posts a sexual topic, the man is usually made into a heartless monster.
Her decision is essentially a divorce decree aimed at you. She may never legally do it and she may never leave the house, but she is doing it in spirit.
Unilateral decisions that make life altering changes in both parties are usually, overwhelmingly, horrible things. Right now, you may say you love her, but over time the bitter bile of rejection will eat at you. Make no mistake, she is rejecting you. this is not about sex, rally, it is about respect and caring for the other spouse. She does not seem to have either for you right now.
You are not “owed” sex, but you are owed respect as the husband.
Ladies, stop coddling this woman. She did not say “sex is umcomfortable, let’s take it slowly and see what works.” or “Right now things aren’t working, let’s pray and hope this changes.” She said, “I’m done with it.” That’s a no-no. She needs to see that she is destroying her marriage with her attitude. she needs to be called to repentence and reconcilliation with her husband, her marriage and her God.
Again, the double standard on this forum is unbelievable.
Sorry for the rancor. It’s not aimed at the OP, just the namby-pamby responses by some of the people here. When a man posts things like this the wife is given all benefit of the doubt. When a woman posts a sexual topic, the man is usually made into a heartless monster.
Her decision is essentially a divorce decree aimed at you. She may never legally do it and she may never leave the house, but she is doing it in spirit.
Unilateral decisions that make life altering changes in both parties are usually, overwhelmingly, horrible things. Right now, you may say you love her, but over time the bitter bile of rejection will eat at you. Make no mistake, she is rejecting you. this is not about sex, rally, it is about respect and caring for the other spouse. She does not seem to have either for you right now.
You are not “owed” sex, but you are owed respect as the husband.
Ladies, stop coddling this woman. She did not say “sex is umcomfortable, let’s take it slowly and see what works.” or “Right now things aren’t working, let’s pray and hope this changes.” She said, “I’m done with it.” That’s a no-no. She needs to see that she is destroying her marriage with her attitude. she needs to be called to repentence and reconcilliation with her husband, her marriage and her God.
Again, the double standard on this forum is unbelievable.
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duskyjewel
Guest
Hey, GhostMan, I saw your post after I finished mine… no coddling here! Read on…
She very well may be entering menopause. BUT… I know that if my libido suddenly nose-dived into nothingness, it would be a source of sadness for me. I would view it as a problem to be worked on.
This wife has not said she has no physical desire, she said she’s not interested in sex with her husband. And she seems to be celebrating it! She’s rubbing it in his face and using hostile jabs like, “Just being with me should be enough for you.” She’s telling him that his normal desire is unreasonable.
And it’s NOT. Men get much of their affirmation and ego support from sex. It’s one of their main laguages of love. When his woman wants him, a guy feels like he’s doing alright in life. Any wife who wants a good marriage would not act like this. Any wife who values and loves her husband would not use the language she is using.
I love the line above about, “If I don’t love my husband, who will?” You should use that, Cubsfan. (BTW, as a Cubs fan, at least you’re familiar with redemptive suffering! 
Sorry… had to!) I second the suggestion for counseling from a priest or parish marriage ministry, if there is one.
I also suggest you get The Proper Care and Feeding os Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. You read it first, for some affirmation and support that your desire is NOT unreasonable. Then ask your wife to read it. Her response will tell you all you need to know. If she’s willing to read it, there is hope. If not, you probably have more trouble than you know.
I hate to even suggest this, but is it possible your wife is having an affair? Often, one of the big indicators for that is the shutdown of the sexual relationship at home.
She very well may be entering menopause. BUT… I know that if my libido suddenly nose-dived into nothingness, it would be a source of sadness for me. I would view it as a problem to be worked on.
This wife has not said she has no physical desire, she said she’s not interested in sex with her husband. And she seems to be celebrating it! She’s rubbing it in his face and using hostile jabs like, “Just being with me should be enough for you.” She’s telling him that his normal desire is unreasonable.
And it’s NOT. Men get much of their affirmation and ego support from sex. It’s one of their main laguages of love. When his woman wants him, a guy feels like he’s doing alright in life. Any wife who wants a good marriage would not act like this. Any wife who values and loves her husband would not use the language she is using.
I love the line above about, “If I don’t love my husband, who will?” You should use that, Cubsfan. (BTW, as a Cubs fan, at least you’re familiar with redemptive suffering!
Sorry… had to!) I second the suggestion for counseling from a priest or parish marriage ministry, if there is one.I also suggest you get The Proper Care and Feeding os Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. You read it first, for some affirmation and support that your desire is NOT unreasonable. Then ask your wife to read it. Her response will tell you all you need to know. If she’s willing to read it, there is hope. If not, you probably have more trouble than you know.
I hate to even suggest this, but is it possible your wife is having an affair? Often, one of the big indicators for that is the shutdown of the sexual relationship at home.
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TIME
Guest
GhostMan, Did you get a chance to review the entire thread? I certainly have learned several new things from this. Check out what 1ke, In Vino, myself and others have posted.
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duskyjewel
Guest
I think GhostMan did read the whole thread. He has a point about the double standard that is sometimes apparent on this board. When a woman complains of a problem in her marriage, the responses often attribute it to bad behavior, immaturity, or even abusiveness by the husband. Medical and mental health issues are sometimes mentioned perfunctorily, but usually given short shrift. However, when it’s a woman causing the problem, it seems we always look for mental health or medical issues first! I can’t believe the thread got as far as my post before anyone suggested the possibility of adultery (non-ironically)!
Since the vast majority of humanity does not live with chronic physical illness, nor is the majority mentally ill, the conclusion must be that most of the bad behavior perpetrated by both sexes is due to selfishness and/or laziness. THAT the majority of humanity does suffer from, even those who usually keep it in check pretty well. GhostMan’s complaint is that the reactions don’t reflect that equally for men and women. And I think he’s right.
But, that doesn’t really help the OP, except to show again that he is not necessarily being an insensitive jerk by wanting to have sex with his wife.
Since the vast majority of humanity does not live with chronic physical illness, nor is the majority mentally ill, the conclusion must be that most of the bad behavior perpetrated by both sexes is due to selfishness and/or laziness. THAT the majority of humanity does suffer from, even those who usually keep it in check pretty well. GhostMan’s complaint is that the reactions don’t reflect that equally for men and women. And I think he’s right.
But, that doesn’t really help the OP, except to show again that he is not necessarily being an insensitive jerk by wanting to have sex with his wife.
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DJgang
Guest
I, personally, like to give eveyone the benefit of a doubt…however…an affair could as well be emotional…not necessarily physical, that could lead to not wanting relations with your spouse…I hate to even suggest this, but is it possible your wife is having an affair? Often, one of the big indicators for that is the shutdown of the sexual relationship at home.
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wynd
Guest
Hey, GhostMan, I saw your post after I finished mine… no coddling here! Read on…
She very well may be entering menopause. BUT… I know that if my libido suddenly nose-dived into nothingness, it would be a source of sadness for me. I would view it as a problem to be worked on.
This wife has not said she has no physical desire, she said she’s not interested in sex with her husband. And she seems to be celebrating it! She’s rubbing it in his face and using hostile jabs like, “Just being with me should be enough for you.” She’s telling him that his normal desire is unreasonable.
And it’s NOT. Men get much of their affirmation and ego support from sex. It’s one of their main laguages of love. When his woman wants him, a guy feels like he’s doing alright in life. Any wife who wants a good marriage would not act like this. Any wife who values and loves her husband would not use the language she is using.
I love the line above about, “If I don’t love my husband, who will?” You should use that, Cubsfan. (BTW, as a Cubs fan, at least you’re familiar with redemptive suffering!
I also suggest you get The Proper Care and Feeding os Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. You read it first, for some affirmation and support that your desire is NOT unreasonable. Then ask your wife to read it. Her response will tell you all you need to know. If she’s willing to read it, there is hope. If not, you probably have more trouble than you know.
I hate to even suggest this, but is it possible your wife is having an affair? Often, one of the big indicators for that is the shutdown of the sexual relationship at home.
D
dixieagle
Guest
One might point out to a reluctant wife that the above statement COULD apply to the situation you describe, in your original post, if you catch my drift…
(I know that this does not apply in your situation - you are clearly a very good, Catholic husband, but it might open her eyes to the fact that she is investing more energy in mundane tasks than in the very important work of maintaining a good marriage…) Again, I mention this ONLY as an eye-opener.
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TIME
Guest
Cubsfan, have you been able to make any progress on your situation?
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EsclavoDeCristo
Guest
Wow, I just read the entire thread! Pretty good for a young man with self diagnosed ADD. 
As a newly married man this thread is an eye opener. No advice from me but I will offer prayer.
As a newly married man this thread is an eye opener. No advice from me but I will offer prayer.
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Cubsfan
Guest
Yes I have!
Seriously, using advice from Island Oak and MercyGate I approached my life in love, and had a great discussion. ’
I will leave it at that.
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