Marriage is fizzling out just after seven months

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Pedro_1987

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I honestly can no longer remember why I thought marrying my wife was a good idea. Everything has fallen apart and I just want to throw myself down a cliff.

So I dated this girl for about two years. She left me and we had a big fight. My life went halfway to Hell in that time. She didn’t like that I was Catholic, she was mentally unstable, and she was very needy. Then we spend about half a year apart and I miss her. So I call her back and we get back together against the advice of every single one of my friends. She seemed like a different back then, which is what I would tell them.

She agreed to be Catholic, and she seems to be enjoying it (though she wants a very specific kind of church). That’s probably why I jumped at the chance. Probably part of the other reason was I felt sorry for her and felt she would hurt herself. I wanted to postpone marriage a few months for counseling and saving money. She wanted to ASAP because God only knows why.

And now what do I have now? No money with a kid on the way that we can’t afford, a job I don’t want, difficulty going back to school. My entire life is ruined thanks to this lifelong commitment that I got myself stuck into because I wasn’t thinking clearly. I go to sleep and dread waking up.

I really do not know how to fix the mess I’m in.
 
Dear Pedro,

We could talk all day about what you should of done but that won’t change the here and now. I strongly suggest praying constantly and getting into counseling. Speak with your priest or contact Catholic Charities to find a counselor who will help you in accordance to the church. There are always rocky times during any marriage and often those first couple of years are rough. You did make a commitment so do everything in your power to follow God’s will here. It sounds like you may need couples and individual counseling. Maybe your wife has some issues she needs to work through; a good therapist (Christian) could make a world of difference. Don’t give up. If I quit on my marriage every time things were tough, we would have been divorced 10 times. It is worth it to work through it. It truly is.

You are in my prayers.
 
Pedro_1987 said:
I honestly can no longer remember why I thought marrying my wife was a good idea. Everything has fallen apart and I just want to throw myself down a cliff.

So I dated this girl for about two years. She left me and we had a big fight. My life went halfway to Hell in that time. She didn’t like that I was Catholic, she was mentally unstable, and she was very needy. Then we spend about half a year apart and I miss her. So I call her back and we get back together against the advice of every single one of my friends. She seemed like a different back then, which is what I would tell them.

She agreed to be Catholic, and she seems to be enjoying it (though she wants a very specific kind of church). That’s probably why I jumped at the chance. Probably part of the other reason was I felt sorry for her and felt she would hurt herself. I wanted to postpone marriage a few months for counseling and saving money. She wanted to ASAP because God only knows why.

And now what do I have now? No money with a kid on the way that we can’t afford, a job I don’t want, difficulty going back to school. My entire life is ruined thanks to this lifelong commitment that I got myself stuck into because I wasn’t thinking clearly. I go to sleep and dread waking up.

I really do not know how to fix the mess I’m in.
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I can’t help but notice that while your description of your wife as she was before you married is very worrisome, the current problems you mention (“No money with a kid on the way that we can’t afford, a job I don’t want, difficulty going back to school”) have very little to nothing to do with her personality issues.

Seek counseling and an evaluation for depression from your doctor. Pregnancy can be a very difficult time for everybody.

Best wishes!
 
Xantippe said:
I can’t help but notice that while your description of your wife as she was before you married is very worrisome, the current problems you mention (“No money with a kid on the way that we can’t afford, a job I don’t want, difficulty going back to school”) have very little to nothing to do with her personality issues.

Seek counseling and an evaluation for depression from your doctor. Pregnancy can be a very difficult time for everybody.

Best wishes!
Click to expand...
We have no money because she wanted to rush it instead of saving a bit, and because she crashed a car and didn’t have insurance so now we have two car notes. We have a kid on the way because she begged me for one and is now having cold feet. As for school, well fine, that one is on me, but only happened because I met her in the first place.

I made a horrible mistake and ignored the advice of all my friends and family.
 
Pedro_1987 said:
We have no money because she wanted to rush it instead of saving a bit, and because she crashed a car and didn’t have insurance so now we have two car notes. We have a kid on the way because she begged me for one and is now having cold feet. As for school, well fine, that one is on me, but only happened because I met her in the first place.

**You married somebody who had a car note and no collision insurance?

Your wife isn’t the only person with a tendency to rush things and not think things through.

Start looking at your role in your life and start saying “no” to things that aren’t a good idea.

If you’re still in the military, see if you can do some marriage counseling through them. If not, make an appointment with your pastor. Also, look into the possibility of doing some sort of financial counseling or class with your wife (it has to be with your wife)–St. Vincent de Paul, Dave Ramsey, whatever. The key is to get your situation under control before the baby comes.

Also, do you think that you or your wife has some mental health issues? If so, try to get appropriate evaluations. Once the baby is born, it is very likely that she is going to go into a tailspin because of postpartum hormonal issues–be prepared for things to get substantially worse at least temporarily.

Good luck!

**
Best wishes!
I made a horrible mistake and ignored the advice of all my friends and family.
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You seriously need some serious counselling, we all make really dumb mistakes in our life,. And I’ve made several… Some of which I will never escape , so, first step find a priest that can give good advise,if you get no luck there,then perhaps there is a family member that you can talk to ? Of perhaps a councillor of some sort,because you really need to end this nightmare you have found yourself in, because in twenty years you will be no better off,only to become what you have married, do something,
 
Pedro_1987 said:
We have no money because she wanted to rush it instead of saving a bit, and because she crashed a car and didn’t have insurance so now we have two car notes. We have a kid on the way because she begged me for one and is now having cold feet. As for school, well fine, that one is on me, but only happened because I met her in the first place.

I made a horrible mistake and ignored the advice of all my friends and family.
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What do you mean by “cold feet”? She is pregnant and now doesn’t want a child?
 
Come on, Pedro. You’re standing at the foot of the cross. Run to that cross and nail your heart to it, dude. This is your wife we’re talking about, right? She is more important right now than work, school, or even being a new father. You need to be sacrificing whatever is necessary to get her the help she needs. She might have literally years of emotional/spiritual/mental trauma and baggage and issues that she desperately needs help with. Are you praying for her? I mean, really praying for her? How many hours a day are you spending in prayer for your wife, your marriage, and your baby? Yeah, hours. Are you offering your work up for her sanctification and your own? Are you offering up Communions for her? Are you praying with her?

She needs counseling, bro. You both need counseling. You need to see a good, holy priest and get help immediately. Then you need to start tackling these big issues one at a time. Start saving whatever money you can to go back to school so that you can get a good job and pay off your car loans.

You need to fight for your marriage and for your wife. This is what men do. This is what the cross feels like, looks like, tastes like, sounds like. But you’re a Catholic, and I don’t have to remind you that there is literally nothing that Christ won’t do to help you do the right thing. I mean, He’s already done it on the cross, right? Beg Him desperately for help.

Go to a quiet space in your home, get on your knees, and beg our Lord to help you. “God, I feel like I don’t have it in me to do this. I am not strong enough for this. I need Your strength, Lord. I can only do this with Your grace, Your love, Your mercy, Your help. I want to love my wife more. Please, Lord, help me.”
 
By the way, even relatively sane women often go NUTS while pregnant. The emotional regulation can be completely broken in normally well-functioning women, so I can only imagine what pregnancy does to an emotionally fragile woman.

If your wife seems particularly difficult to deal with right now, it won’t necessarily be exactly like this forever.

I would suggest reading Vicki Iovine’s book “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy.” She’s got a chapter on the emotional effects of pregnancy. It’s entitled “Pregnancy Insanity.”

You’re probably going to need some outside help.

Good luck!
 
Vanna_Grace said:
What do you mean by “cold feet”? She is pregnant and now doesn’t want a child?
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Yes.
She needs counseling, bro. You both need counseling. You need to see a good, holy priest and get help immediately. Then you need to start tackling these big issues one at a time. Start saving whatever money you can to go back to school so that you can get a good job and pay off your car loans.
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She refuses though. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Honestly, I truly believe I should’ve left her alone a long time ago when were still dating but were both too damaged to see it.
 
Vanna_Grace said:
Dear Pedro,

We could talk all day about what you should of done but that won’t change the here and now. I strongly suggest praying constantly and getting into counseling. Speak with your priest or contact Catholic Charities to find a counselor who will help you in accordance to the church. There are always rocky times during any marriage and often those first couple of years are rough. You did make a commitment so do everything in your power to follow God’s will here. It sounds like you may need couples and individual counseling. Maybe your wife has some issues she needs to work through; a good therapist (Christian) could make a world of difference. Don’t give up. If I quit on my marriage every time things were tough, we would have been divorced 10 times. It is worth it to work through it. It truly is.

You are in my prayers.
Click to expand...
👍
 
If worst comes to worst, does it sound like I have any case for annulment?
 
Xantippe said:
I can’t help but notice that while your description of your wife as she was before you married is very worrisome, the current problems you mention (“No money with a kid on the way that we can’t afford, a job I don’t want, difficulty going back to school”) have very little to nothing to do with her personality issues.

Seek counseling and an evaluation for depression from your doctor. Pregnancy can be a very difficult time for everybody.

Best wishes!
Click to expand...
👍👍

Man up, life is not about fun and games. Its about working together to make each other better. Take care of your pregnant wife and pray a lot, pray together, get some counseling from your priest. Stick it out. Your life will only get harder if you add divorce to your equation. I know. I am divorced.

Child support, alimony, childcare, going to court, fighting for custody, fighting over everything, and still raising the child together somehow.

Paying for two homes, two cars, two sets of clothes, two of everything. Its not fun.
 
Pedro_1987 said:
If worst comes to worst, does it sound like I have any case for annulment?
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Well, you certainly seemed to have tried to lay the ground work for that.

Of course you can only file for an annulment *after *your obtain a divorce.

Is that your goal??
 
Pedro,

I don’t need to be married to know, by common sense, that the rest of your life will be hell. Cut your losses and move on. Divorce her, and seek an annulment. Shop around for different parishes for an annulment if you have to.

Neither of you were thinking clearly when you got married. Also why did your wife want to marry you ASAP? Sounds like she trapped you. I don’t see genuineness on her part. Plus I see promises broken regarding being Catholic. These are grounds for annulment.
 
It is not my goal. Just thought id ask and be realistic.

I doomed to a lifetime of unhappiness no matter the outcome.
 
One more thing… it is NOT in the best interest of the child for you two to remain together and have an unhappy marriage.
 
CaliLobo said:
Pedro,

I don’t need to be married to know, by common sense, that the rest of your life will be hell. Cut your losses and move on. Divorce her, and seek an annulment. Shop around for different parishes for an annulment if you have to.

It’s not a parish level thing.

Neither of you were thinking clearly when you got married. Also why did your wife want to marry you ASAP? Sounds like she trapped you. I don’t see genuineness on her part. Plus I see promises broken regarding being Catholic. These are grounds for annulment.
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I suspect the OP might be able to get an annulment because of his wife’s mental health issues.

However, the problem is that the OP makes bad decisions and blames the results on other people. It doesn’t matter if he gets an annulment if going forward, he continues to make terrible decisions.
 
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