Marriage is fizzling out just after seven months

[Shin]

Come on, Pedro. You’re standing at the foot of the cross. Run to that cross and nail your heart to it, dude. This is your wife we’re talking about, right? She is more important right now than work, school, or even being a new father. You need to be sacrificing whatever is necessary to get her the help she needs. She might have literally years of emotional/spiritual/mental trauma and baggage and issues that she desperately needs help with. Are you praying for her? I mean, really praying for her? How many hours a day are you spending in prayer for your wife, your marriage, and your baby? Yeah, hours. Are you offering your work up for her sanctification and your own? Are you offering up Communions for her? Are you praying with her?

She needs counseling, bro. You both need counseling. You need to see a good, holy priest and get help immediately. Then you need to start tackling these big issues one at a time. Start saving whatever money you can to go back to school so that you can get a good job and pay off your car loans.

You need to fight for your marriage and for your wife. This is what men do. This is what the cross feels like, looks like, tastes like, sounds like. But you’re a Catholic, and I don’t have to remind you that there is literally nothing that Christ won’t do to help you do the right thing. I mean, He’s already done it on the cross, right? Beg Him desperately for help.

Go to a quiet space in your home, get on your knees, and beg our Lord to help you. “God, I feel like I don’t have it in me to do this. I am not strong enough for this. I need Your strength, Lord. I can only do this with Your grace, Your love, Your mercy, Your help. I want to love my wife more. Please, Lord, help me.”

This is good advice in general.

There are some good sermons on Sensus Traditionis on men and women that might help you understand how you and your wife will better function together. You need to pray and you need to not give into doom and gloom, give despair no room.

 

[Groo]

These problems are solvable; they just don’t seem like it right now.

However, you aren’t going to be able to solve these on your own. At least, not well. Counseling is a good idea if you can do it. But even having a friend to open up to and talk about what’s going on can give you clarity. Sometimes just speaking about what’s bothering you, out loud, to another person, can give you the answers you are seeking. Two heads are better than one.

Ruminating over all of these issues in your mind over and over again is just going to make you crazy. Don’t try to carry this all on your own.

Also, make time to pray. God will give you the strength to get the help you need. But don’t just rely on prayer alone. Talk to people you can trust.

 

[heidi_storage]

Pedro,

I don’t need to be married to know, by common sense, that the rest of your life will be hell. Cut your losses and move on. Divorce her, and seek an annulment. Shop around for different parishes for an annulment if you have to.

Neither of you were thinking clearly when you got married. Also why did your wife want to marry you ASAP? Sounds like she trapped you. I don’t see genuineness on her part. Plus I see promises broken regarding being Catholic. These are grounds for annulment.

The OP isn’t going to have a walk in the park if he leaves his wife; he’ll be paying child support and probably only get occasional visitation of his baby. If his wife has mental problems, she will cause as much unpleasantness as she can.

I think the advice given of talking to a pastor or counselor is the best idea.

 

[Pedro_1987]

I suspect the OP might be able to get an annulment because of his wife’s mental health issues.

However, the problem is that the OP makes bad decisions and blames the results on other people. It doesn’t matter if he gets an annulment if going forward, he continues to make terrible decisions.

Nope. I know my bad decisions are my own. I am also aware though that getting married when I did was a bad decision that my wife pressured me into.

 

[Xantippe]

Nope. I know my bad decisions are my own. I am also aware though that getting married when I did was a bad decision that my wife pressured me into.

Going forward, you need to stop letting anybody (including your wife) persuade you to do stuff that’s against your better judgment.

Work with a therapist and learn to slow down when making important decisions and say “no” when it’s just not prudent.

By the way, did you do marriage prep and have a Catholic wedding? I see from your old posts that a year ago, you and your wife were broken up, so within the space of five months you went from broken up to married.

Good luck!

 

[Pedro_1987]

Got married in a Catholic Church. Did not have pre marriage counseling though.

 

[Xantippe]

Got married in a Catholic Church. Did not have pre marriage counseling though.

How did you manage no pre-marriage counseling? Or was this not in the US?

 

[Pedro_1987]

I don’t know. The priest just agreed when I told him I was military.

 

[maryjk]

How did you manage no pre-marriage counseling? Or was this not in the US?

I was married in the US, in the Church, and we didn’t have premarriage counseling.

It wasn’t something I “managed,” it was just what happened.

 

[Smither9]

You made mistakes and are feeling bad.

The first thing you should do is go to confession and confess ALL of your sins and do penance.

“And now what do I have now?”

In the bible: “John 3:17 God sent his Son into the world. He did not send him to judge the world guilty, but to save the world through him.” Commit your life to Jesus, which may mean you need to wake up at 4:00 am for morning prayer and work twelve hour days at a no fun job to support your family… that is what a true Catholic would do.

 

[john1513]

I haven’t seen much grounds for annulment. Most of what was described is what every married couple goes through. Yeah you started off rocky, but this is no indication of what the rest of your life will be although it will if you do nothing.

Step 1: Start going to weekly classes at your local That Man is You! Catholic men’s program. www.thatmanisyou.org

1. Get some marriage CDs or books at Lighthouse Catholic Media and www.catholic.com. It sounds like you and your wife may not know what marriage is especially without any counseling (the Catholic Church has generally failed at marriage prep for the past 50 years and has to make up for it on the back end with counseling). Divorce or annulment won’t help you with this as you both need some serious learning and praying, as most have suggested here. It would be extremely helpful for you. Even a weekend or day retreat for couples would be great.

Think about it: we all need this constant marriage education because we live in a culture and media that is a wasteland of failed marriages and relationships. The Catholic Church is the only place that’s saying marriage/love is for life.

Leaving your wife and child is statistically the worst thing you can do for them. Whether you like it or not God has entrusted their care to you. This is your calling, your mission: to get them to Heaven. It get’s better with prayer especially family prayer.

 

[john1513]

Pedro,

I don’t need to be married to know, by common sense, that the rest of your life will be hell.

You’re not a fortune teller. You can’t predict people’s future.

Cut your losses and move on. Divorce her, and seek an annulment. Shop around for different parishes for an annulment if you have to.

Losses could be astronomical with divorce as society already shows us: poverty, emotional damage, poor child development, poor education, lack of adult maturity, etc.

Neither of you were thinking clearly when you got married. Also why did your wife want to marry you ASAP? Sounds like she trapped you. I don’t see genuineness on her part. Plus I see promises broken regarding being Catholic. These are grounds for annulment.

This is overall very bad advice for everyone involved. OP clearly needs some counseling as most have suggested. Divorce will only prolong the problems and likely make them worse for all involved. God is capable of healing us.

Websites: The Alexander House
menlivingforgreatness.com/
Books: Marriage 911 by Greg and Julie Alexander
Christian Fatherhood by Steve Wood

 

[Mayita30]

We have no money because she wanted to rush it instead of saving a bit, and because she crashed a car and didn’t have insurance so now we have two car notes. We have a kid on the way because she begged me for one and is now having cold feet. As for school, well fine, that one is on me, but only happened because I met her in the first place.

I made a horrible mistake and ignored the advice of all my friends and family.

Your wife had to beg you ?

This is immaturity on your part. Once you get married, it is expected that you should be open to life and the possibility of having children. What is the purpose of marriage if you are not open to having children.

 

[Mayita30]

Come on, Pedro. You’re standing at the foot of the cross. Run to that cross and nail your heart to it, dude. This is your wife we’re talking about, right? She is more important right now than work, school, or even being a new father. You need to be sacrificing whatever is necessary to get her the help she needs. She might have literally years of emotional/spiritual/mental trauma and baggage and issues that she desperately needs help with. Are you praying for her? I mean, really praying for her? How many hours a day are you spending in prayer for your wife, your marriage, and your baby? Yeah, hours. Are you offering your work up for her sanctification and your own? Are you offering up Communions for her? Are you praying with her?

She needs counseling, bro. You both need counseling. You need to see a good, holy priest and get help immediately. Then you need to start tackling these big issues one at a time. Start saving whatever money you can to go back to school so that you can get a good job and pay off your car loans.

You need to fight for your marriage and for your wife. ** This is what men do.** This is what the cross feels like, looks like, tastes like, sounds like. But you’re a Catholic, and I don’t have to remind you that there is literally nothing that Christ won’t do to help you do the right thing. I mean, He’s already done it on the cross, right? Beg Him desperately for help.

Go to a quiet space in your home, get on your knees, and beg our Lord to help you. “God, I feel like I don’t have it in me to do this. I am not strong enough for this. I need Your strength, Lord. I can only do this with Your grace, Your love, Your mercy, Your help. I want to love my wife more. Please, Lord, help me.”

Good Advice !!!

 

[Mayita30]

Pedro,

I don’t need to be married to know, by common sense, that the rest of your life will be hell. Cut your losses and move on. Divorce her, and seek an annulment. Shop around for different parishes for an annulment if you have to.

Neither of you were thinking clearly when you got married. Also why did your wife want to marry you ASAP? Sounds like she trapped you. I don’t see genuineness on her part. Plus I see promises broken regarding being Catholic. These are grounds for annulment.

What is grounds for annulment is not wanting to have a child. The wife had to beg him to have a child. There is something very wrong here !

 

[Virga]

What is grounds for annulment is not wanting to have a child. The wife had to beg him to have a child. There is something very wrong here !

I don’t think OP said he wasn’t open to having children. He mentioned that they rushed the marriage while there were financial difficulties and concerns about mental health issues. He might’ve reasoned that it wasn’t prudent to have children at the time, and his wife responded to this by imploring that they have a child. I’m just suggesting that as another possibility.

The only possible grounds for annulment I see may be what OP mentioned about being concerned that she would hurt herself, but that’s not enough to say he was coerced or pressured into marrying her. Speaking to a priest would be best and a counselor to help with adjusting to marriage.

 

[jmcrae]

If worst comes to worst, does it sound like I have any case for annulment?

No, not unless you were hiding something from her, and you’re not actually the man that she thinks she married.

She was completely open about her situation from the beginning. Nothing came as a surprise to you after the fact - other than that she was the same woman after the wedding as she was before, but I’m sure people told you that at the time, and at the time, you were fine with it.

She was (and still is) a “damsel in distress” and you wanted to be her hero. Well, you got what you wanted, and now, it’s time to be her hero.

 

[Mayita30]

I don’t think OP said he wasn’t open to having children. He mentioned that they rushed the marriage while there were financial difficulties and concerns about mental health issues. He might’ve reasoned that it wasn’t prudent to have children at the time, and his wife responded to this by imploring that they have a child. I’m just suggesting that as another possibility.

The only possible grounds for annulment I see may be what OP mentioned about being concerned that she would hurt herself, but that’s not enough to say he was coerced or pressured into marrying her. Speaking to a priest would be best and a counselor to help with adjusting to marriage.

Didnt the OP say his wife BEG him to have a kid? IF that isnt being open to life, what is, then ?

I find this very alarming!

 

[Virga]

Didnt the OP say his wife BEG him to have a kid? IF that isnt being open to life, what is, then ?

I find this very alarming!

Like I said, I was just suggesting another possibility, before we start jumping to conclusions.

If it’s true that he planned on never having children, then I agree that’s an issue.

But right now, we only know that she “begged.” Her begging does not necessarily mean that the OP put her in a situation in which begging was the only response available.

It’s possible that OP said something along the lines of, “Please let’s wait a while until we are more stable in our marriage.” Rather than reasoning, she might have automatically resorted to begging and pleading, to which the OP gave in. Based on how the OP describes his wife and how he made rash decisions, the scenario isn’t impossible. I don’t think we should say the OP is immature or not open to life with so little facts in this particular situation.

 

[thewanderer]

Didnt the OP say his wife BEG him to have a kid? IF that isnt being open to life, what is, then ?

I find this very alarming!

Yes, it is possible that there is a serious issue there, however, it is also quite possible that he wanted kids, but not until they were more financially able to support them. Financial reasons can be legitimate reasons to avoid children. So until we have a more definitive answer from the OP on this matter it is wrong to assume that he has a permanent intention against kids or that he had such an intention at the time of his marriage.