Marriage is fizzling out just after seven months

[Xantippe]

No, not unless you were hiding something from her, and you’re not actually the man that she thinks she married.

She was completely open about her situation from the beginning. Nothing came as a surprise to you after the fact - other than that she was the same woman after the wedding as she was before, but I’m sure people told you that at the time, and at the time, you were fine with it.

She was (and still is) a “damsel in distress” and you wanted to be her hero. Well, you got what you wanted, and now, it’s time to be her hero.

Yep.

 

[maryjk]

She was (and still is) a “damsel in distress” and you wanted to be her hero. Well, you got what you wanted, and now, it’s time to be her hero.

Yep.

None of this should be a surprise to the OP.

 

[Markus2007]

Hey Pedro,

this is what you need to do right now and for ever:

LOVE YOUR WIFE AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH.
(Ephesians 5:25)

That is all. Focus all your energy on that and everything will turn out ok.

 

[Pedro_1987]

Wow, you guys really do brainwash yourselves into believing everything will work out just fine. 27 years of life experience tells me otherwise and things only ever get more miserable and pointless.

Second, I did want a kid, just not right away. I wanted to be a bit more stable. She was also begging for a kid long before we even got married. In hindsight, I honestly can’t remember how I thought this was even remotely a good idea.

 

[CaliLobo]

Wow, you guys really do brainwash yourselves into believing everything will work out just fine. 27 years of life experience tells me otherwise and things only ever get more miserable and pointless.

Second, I did want a kid, just not right away. I wanted to be a bit more stable. She was also begging for a kid long before we even got married. In hindsight, I honestly can’t remember how I thought this was even remotely a good idea.

You’re more realistic than the people who replied are, and rightfully so. Get an annulment.

 

[heidi_storage]

You’re more realistic than the people who replied are, and rightfully so. Get an annulment.

Uh, he might not be able to, and if he can’t, then he can’t remarry (at least, he can’t remarry and remain in good standing with the Catholic Church). None of us can offer an informed opinion of the validity of his marriage under Canon law.

I haven’t advised the OP one way or another, because I don’t think I can. I see a big ol’ mess for him if he stays (unstable relationship, now with child, might end anyway if she leaves him), or if he goes (nasty divorce, child custody battle, child support, not seeing his baby much). However, I don’t KNOW that this is the case, because I don’t know more than what has been presented here. I think the OP needs to talk to a good, Christian marital counselor, with or without his wife, and proceed from there.

By the way, OP, whatever you do, it’s kind of lousy to leave your wife when she’s carrying your baby, or just after the baby’s born.

 

[brandymmiller]

God can fix your marriage, but you’re going to have to turn it over to Him and trust in His methods. I can tell you why the girl was in a hurry to marry. She’s obviously incredibly insecure and was afraid you would come to your senses and leave her again. Pray that God heal her woundedness, and help her to find her sense of self-worth in Him.

As to the child, that baby is an answer to both your prayers and hers, as well as the prayers of the whole world. Rather than seeing it as an extra burden that you just can’t handle today, ask God to help you see that baby for the blessing in disguise that it really is. This is part and parcel of God working to unite the two of you closer together.

The hardest part of any marriage is the first year. That’s when the two of you are attempting to learn how to live in shared space, when the insecurities and the issues that you hid so well from one another before marriage become unavoidably evident and love truly does become a choice rather than something easy to do.

With the job - I would spend time in prayer and ask God to help you find the work that you were meant to be doing, something that will bring you a greater sense of accomplishment and will lead you deeper into your faith. Ask him what His mission for you is - and then be prepared to follow wherever he leads you. It might surprise you!

 

[jmcrae]

And now what do I have now? No money with a kid on the way that we can’t afford, a job I don’t want, difficulty going back to school.

This is every newly-wed man in the whole world. If every man in this situation gave up on his marriage, there would be no second-born children, and every child on earth would be orphaned by divorce.

I have some news for you: it takes hard work and time for you and your wife to work together to build up your lifestyle. Every first-born child sleeps in a drawer in a one room apartment for the first six months, while the father bounces around looking for full time permanent work, and while the mother tries to figure out her role and how she can help him.

That is real life. Most couples survive it. You guys will, too - unless you decide to give up.

 

[E_7]

Wow, you guys really do brainwash yourselves into believing everything will work out just fine. 27 years of life experience tells me otherwise and things only ever get more miserable and pointless.

Excuse me, but what about people with 46, 52, 67 years of life experience? Some went through hell and made it out pretty good in the end because they were committed on working things out for the greater good. It all comes down to your will.

You’re more realistic than the people who replied are, and rightfully so. Get an annulment.

No, he is feeling desperate and hopeless, he is blinded and being a coward. Realistic would be to accept his role as a man, husband and father (yes, you are a father, baby is alive inside mommy) and together with his wife commit themselves to make it work. He needs to open up sincerely to his wife and trust her his worries and concerns and commit themselves to make it work.

I wonder what his son/daughter will say when he/she is in his/her 30s…would he/she be ashamed of his/her dad for taking the easy way out? Or will he/she look up to his/her dad proudly?

 

[john1513]

Hi Pedro,
Hope you’re not too beat up from this thread but I just wanted to see how your marriage is going. I couldn’t message you so feel free to try and message me if you want.

I’m a young husband and father with his share of family and personal difficulties. However I’m growing to see my marriage as a way to purify me of my imperfections. I don’t always like my wife but the more I love her the better it gets. God probably treats me the same way I suppose! Hope you’re well and get help where you need it. I would be lost without the weekly men’s program at my local parish (That Man is You!).