Marriage is misery. Bottom line.

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Here is one more article, for you all to consider:

ncregister.com/site/article/4675

It is by noted Catholic author, Melinda Selmys. She regularly contributes to the National Catholic Register, and to other Catholic publications and websites.

Here is the synopsis: marriage is suffering. Christ suffered for us on the cross, so we are to suffer for him. If we have a terrible marriage, then this is our cross, given to us by Christ. We are to bear it, and do the best we can. Our reward will be in the next world, not the present one. Divorce deprives us of this suffering, and therefore, our chance at redemption.

I have come to view my wife as my cross, and my marriage as my own personal Golgatha. I am still commanded to love my wife, even if she does not requite my love (and she almost certainly never will.) I can hope and pray for my wife’s reformation - but the chances of that are extraordinarily slim, as I have documented in other threads. My wife is a lesbian, has had lesbian affairs, and has abandoned the Christian faith entirely.

The cause of my suffering is sin - both those of my wife, and my own. I am sure I could have done things differently, to improve my marriage, so it did not descend to this point. This is sinful, and I must bear a heavy burden for this - which will likely be a lifetime of forced celibacy. (And no, the church does not permit masturbation, adultery, or any other such behavior, in these circumstances.)

Will this journey be easy? Of course not. Will I stumble along the way? Probably. But I have to get up, and keep enduring the journey. To seek divorce/annulment/seperation, or any other remedy, would be the equivalent of Christ throwing off the cross. I simply cannot do that.

I look for your hope, prayers, and support, as I try to make this difficult journey. Thank you.
 
Marriage is not misery.😦 It doesn’t have to be. Are there times when it is trying, or difficult? Yes. But, if your wife is a lesbian, you should consult your priest as to what might be some options for you. God created marriage to be unitive. Not for two people to simply share living quarters, and pay bills together (and be adulterous with others). I admire that you wish to stay in your marriage, because you feel that this is your cross to bear. But, I would talk to a priest or seek counseling, because it sounds like you are feeling that you need to tolerate a toxic and adulterous relationship, and you really don’t. How did your sin, cause your wife to become a lesbian? You are not being punished for sins of your own, by your marriage turning the course it has. Please don’t think such self depricating thoughts.😦 You deserve better, and so does your wife. If you both married one another, there had to be something there–some sort of love…right? Is she at all open to counseling? I mean, is this sudden, her lesbian tendencies…or did she exhibit these, before marriage?

Does your wife want to remain married to you, but see other women? If so, how is this a marriage anymore? How can this be good for your children to witness, should there be children? Seeking an annulment is not equal to Christ throwing down the Cross. The Church wouldn’t have such a process, if that were the case. :confused: I think you should really talk to a priest, because I think there is some confusion as to what marriage is, and what the Church teaches, as it relates to annulments, etc.

Can’t give any advice…I honestly am not sure what I’d do, if I were in your shoes. 😦 except, to seek out a priest, and/or counseling…so I could better educate myself as to what I should do.

Prayers going out to you and your wife!
 
Hello,

I’ve followed your story with great sadness.

Could you please discuss your situation with a good priest, possibly one who has experience in the marriage tribunal.

Perhaps, you are not in a valid sacramental marriage. A declaration of nullity isn’t the same as a divorce. It proves that there was a grave defect from the beginning of the marriage causing it to be invalid.

Perhaps in your case, it could be lack of sufficient consent. If you were aware of your wife’s homosexuality, would you have consented to marry her?

I don’t know what the answers are…but maybe there is some light at in your situation.

You have my prayers.
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
Hello,

I’ve followed your story with great sadness.

Could you please discuss your situation with a good priest, possibly one who has experience in the marriage tribunal.

Perhaps, you are not in a valid sacramental marriage. A declaration of nullity isn’t the same as a divorce. It proves that there was a grave defect from the beginning of the marriage causing it to be invalid.

Perhaps in your case, it could be lack of sufficient consent. If you were aware of your wife’s homosexuality, would you have consented to marry her?

I don’t know what the answers are…but maybe there is some light at in your situation.

You have my prayers.
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Excellent advice, Mary. You said it better than I could have! :o
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
Hello,

I’ve followed your story with great sadness.

Could you please discuss your situation with a good priest, possibly one who has experience in the marriage tribunal.

Perhaps, you are not in a valid sacramental marriage. A declaration of nullity isn’t the same as a divorce. It proves that there was a grave defect from the beginning of the marriage causing it to be invalid.

Perhaps in your case, it could be lack of sufficient consent. If you were aware of your wife’s homosexuality, would you have consented to marry her?

I don’t know what the answers are…but maybe there is some light at in your situation.

You have my prayers.
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I second that advice! If your wife never intended to live like a married woman, there is no marriage.

Find a good priest ASAP!

I will say a prayer for you.

God Bless
 
whatevergirl said:
How did your sin, cause your wife to become a lesbian?

You are not being punished for sins of your own, by your marriage turning the course it has.

Is she at all open to counseling? I mean, is this sudden, her lesbian tendencies…or did she exhibit these, before marriage?

Does your wife want to remain married to you, but see other women? If so, how is this a marriage anymore? How can this be good for your children to witness, should there be children?
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My wife claims that, early in our marriage, I was not a sensitive, caring, responsive lover. I tried to satisfy her sexually, including performing OS, and several other things that I never did before. My wife claims that she has never been sexually satisfied by me, and has never experienced an *rgasm with me. Maybe I should have been more sensitive or caring … althought I tried. I really tried.

Is this the explanation as to why she has become a lesbian? Honestly, I don’t know. She didn’t exhibit any of these tendancies, before our marriage. Of course, a homosexual can remain latent, for quite some time. Or maybe my wife had these desires, but just never communicated them to me. I just don’t know.

Is she open to counseling? No. She just wants out. She is unwilling to come to my counseling sessions with my therapist, or to do anything proactive to save our marriage. Whenever I propose something new or different, to make improvements in our marriage, she just gets more angry and vengeful.

She wants to be with whatever lesbian paramour she has at the moment. She has told me that she will file for divorce sometime in the next 2 years. That is when my youngest child will graduate from high school, and presumably leave for college. Then I am supposed to leave the home, and make way for whomever will take my place (presumably another woman.)

I live in a no-fault divorce state, so I will almost certainly have to accept the results of the civil divorce. If that happens, I will have grounds for separation, under the church law. Both adultery, and abandonment of the faith, are valid reasons, for “separation of bed and board”. My wife has done both things. So I will be able to remain in full communion with the church.

Honestly, that is how I see the situation playing about - barring some massive change in my wife. And I don’t see that happening. If that happens, the church expects me to take either a private vow of celibacy, or a public one, and continue with my life. This will be my “new” cross to bear. I will take it up - if and when, the time comes.
 
When a marriage evinces a problem similar to yours, it is appropriate to consider whether there was a defect in place at the time of the marriage ceremony that might render the union void from a binding sacramental union, where you might indeed be free to remarry upon a declaration of nullity by the Tribunal of your diocese.

One cannot enter and be bound to a contract unilaterally only. It takes two. So while *your *intentions and dispositions would seem clearly to be “of good faith” etc., it is possible that, possibly even unkown TO your wife, HER dispositions were insufficient for the full consent to the matter of the marriage contract, hence where there would not be a binding contract, valid in the eyes of the Church. (“Good intentions” don’t always constitute sufficiency if deep psychological or formational issues are discovered to have been in existence, even though they be discovered only later.)

In other words, rather than be a martyr to your situation, it would make sense to investigate whether the original contract DID create a valid marriage. I can speak from experience that emotional deprivations [sometimes sexual or emotional or physical abuse in infancy] can DESTROY - KILL - DEVASTATE a soul. This makes for it possible for someone who grew up in such circumstances to make bad choices and promises despite a mature body and mind, because the PERSON INSIDE is simply not of sufficient mature for what is entailed in the vows.

I have had a marriage annulled - it was after 25 years and four children, and for nothing nearly as “serious” as you describe that you suffer. We simply “should not have gotten married in the first place,” and on investigation, it was determined that the circumstances of my childhood, the abuse I suffered and took as “normal” rendered me quite incapable of the kind of free knowing choice that the contract of marriage deserves.

It is not unlike a sincere young man making vows for a religious life before he really knows what he is getting in to, and he has no way of realizing that regardless of his age----- and it is not appropriate to hold him to a lifetime burden for which is simply is not suited. Dispensations are given when things are discovered such as deprivation of sufficient human nurturance. In our society, this is a major problem due to so many single parent households, abusive parenting, neglect, and if I didn’t say it, NEGLECT.

At any given moment, in my state (Florida) at any given moment, there are some 800 annulment cases under consideration, pending adjudication. And they don’t normally “get that far” if they aren’t expected to be resolved by annulment! Multiply those numbers by the no. of states, etc., and countries… etc…
 
I have tears in my eyes, as I type this.😦 Your situation is so sad. (I guess I didn’t expect your reply to be like that, I don’t normally get weepy on here) You sound like such a good man, who doesn’t deserve this treatment. I also feel extremely sad for your wife, because somewhere in there, she is totally lost, and is looking for a woman (or something) to fill the God-shaped hole in her heart.*** Nothing will satisfy the way God will***. Trust me, your wife can’t possibly he happy, living two different lives…being married to you, while feeling she is drawn to homosexuality. She can’t be happy living a lie, and cheating on you. If only she would surrender to God’s will, she would see that you are a good husband…and that her marriage is worth saving. Maybe she will. I am going to pray for a miracle…do you believe in miracles? They can happen to us mere mortals, you know.:o

I will keep you both in my prayers. If nothing else, I pray that you will find joy in your life, despite what your wife is doing. God bless…

PS–You should change your username. You are not pathetic. :nope:
 
mrpathetic said:
My wife claims that, early in our marriage, I was not a sensitive, caring, responsive lover. I tried to satisfy her sexually, including performing OS, and several other things that I never did before. My wife claims that she has never been sexually satisfied by me, and has never experienced an *rgasm with me. Maybe I should have been more sensitive or caring … althought I tried. I really tried.

Is this the explanation as to why she has become a lesbian? Honestly, I don’t know. She didn’t exhibit any of these tendancies, before our marriage. Of course, a homosexual can remain latent, for quite some time. Or maybe my wife had these desires, but just never communicated them to me. I just don’t know.

Is she open to counseling? No. She just wants out. She is unwilling to come to my counseling sessions with my therapist, or to do anything proactive to save our marriage. Whenever I propose something new or different, to make improvements in our marriage, she just gets more angry and vengeful.

She wants to be with whatever lesbian paramour she has at the moment. She has told me that she will file for divorce sometime in the next 2 years. That is when my youngest child will graduate from high school, and presumably leave for college. Then I am supposed to leave the home, and make way for whomever will take my place (presumably another woman.)

I live in a no-fault divorce state, so I will almost certainly have to accept the results of the civil divorce. If that happens, I will have grounds for separation, under the church law. Both adultery, and abandonment of the faith, are valid reasons, for “separation of bed and board”. My wife has done both things. So I will be able to remain in full communion with the church.

Honestly, that is how I see the situation playing about - barring some massive change in my wife. And I don’t see that happening. If that happens, the church expects me to take either a private vow of celibacy, or a public one, and continue with my life. This will be my “new” cross to bear. I will take it up - if and when, the time comes.
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Don’t take this abuse from her.

As you say, you have legitimate grounds for separartion.

Why should you leave? Tell her to get out. She is the one cheating, and abusing you. Why should you support her while she does this? Let her get a job and support herself.

You should file for civil divorce, to protect your rights and your children. Then contact a priest and go for a degree of nullity.

I’d bet dollars to doughnuts she deceived you from the beginning.
This sensitive, caring stuff is BS. If she ever intended to be your wife, she would have worked through any problems.

If you can not get a decree of nullity, then your cross will be to live celibately.

Your cross is NOT, I repeat NOT, to be abused by this woman while you support her.

If you stand up to her, you will feel so much better about yourself, you won’t believe the difference.

God Bless
 
Mr. P you have a very low self-esteem. If you don’t learn to love yourself you will be miserable. Worse, you will pass this to your children.

You should get an attorney today. I would file for divorce and seek custody immediately. You let yourself be abused far too long.
 
*My wife claims that, early in our marriage, I was not a sensitive, caring, responsive lover. I tried to satisfy her sexually, including performing OS, and several other things that I never did before. My wife claims that she has never been sexually satisfied by me, and has never experienced an rgasm with me. Maybe I should have been more sensitive or caring … althought I tried. I really tried.

Perhaps you are not aware, but cheating spouses tend to blame the other spouse for why they are cheating, because they can’t face the fact that they themselves have done something wrong.

Honestly, do you think it is healthy to stay in a toxic marriage that will eventually destroy you inside? To stay in a marriage where there is mental abuse like this? You need to show a better example to your children, than living in a marriage where the other spouse comes and goes with lovers at will and whim. That is why I kicked my ex out: he did not respect me. I was not going to tolerate his behavior because what would I have been teaching my sons and daughter if I had stayed in such a situation? I do not want my children thinking such behavior is normal for a marriage, especially a Catholic one.

I would go talk to a priest, if I were you. Staying in such a toxic situation can only leave you broken. I don’t think God intends for a marrriage to do that.
 
bilop said:
Don’t take this abuse from her.

As you say, you have legitimate grounds for separartion.

Why should you leave? Tell her to get out. She is the one cheating, and abusing you. Why should you support her while she does this? Let her get a job and support herself.

You should file for civil divorce, to protect your rights and your children. Then contact a priest and go for a degree of nullity.

I’d bet dollars to doughnuts she deceived you from the beginning.
This sensitive, caring stuff is BS. If she ever intended to be your wife, she would have worked through any problems.

If you can not get a decree of nullity, then your cross will be to live celibately.

Your cross is NOT, I repeat NOT, to be abused by this woman while you support her.

If you stand up to her, you will feel so much better about yourself, you won’t believe the difference.

God Bless
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:clapping: :clapping: :clapping: :clapping: :clapping:
 
Some random thoughts.

You really need to talk to a priest, as soon as possible. Right after that, talk to a lawyer.

I divorced my wife in a no-fault divorce state and our assets were evenly divided. It was really quite simple.

After your children are 18, there probably isn’t a need for your to pay alimony, so she will be on her own for income.

You wonder if your “inadequacy” turned her into a lesbian. If she hadn’t satisfied you, would you turn to men for sex? I don’t think it works that way. She has the same-sex attraction problem, and it’s not your fault.

You probably need to face the fact you don’t have the equipment she has need of and get on with your life. You’re still young. Look at it as an opportunity.

God bless you, your children, and your wife. I’ll pray for you all.
 
mrpathetic said:
Here is one more article, for you all to consider:

ncregister.com/site/article/4675

It is by noted Catholic author, Melinda Selmys. She regularly contributes to the National Catholic Register, and to other Catholic publications and websites.

Here is the synopsis: marriage is suffering. Christ suffered for us on the cross, so we are to suffer for him. If we have a terrible marriage, then this is our cross, given to us by Christ. We are to bear it, and do the best we can. Our reward will be in the next world, not the present one. Divorce deprives us of this suffering, and therefore, our chance at redemption.

I have come to view my wife as my cross, and my marriage as my own personal Golgatha. I am still commanded to love my wife, even if she does not requite my love (and she almost certainly never will.) I can hope and pray for my wife’s reformation - but the chances of that are extraordinarily slim, as I have documented in other threads. My wife is a lesbian, has had lesbian affairs, and has abandoned the Christian faith entirely.

The cause of my suffering is sin - both those of my wife, and my own. I am sure I could have done things differently, to improve my marriage, so it did not descend to this point. This is sinful, and I must bear a heavy burden for this - which will likely be a lifetime of forced celibacy. (And no, the church does not permit masturbation, adultery, or any other such behavior, in these circumstances.)

Will this journey be easy? Of course not. Will I stumble along the way? Probably. But I have to get up, and keep enduring the journey. To seek divorce/annulment/seperation, or any other remedy, would be the equivalent of Christ throwing off the cross. I simply cannot do that.

I look for your hope, prayers, and support, as I try to make this difficult journey. Thank you.
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I do think it is noble to be faithful to your marriage vows no matter what.

In this complicated situation, you need a good, devout spiritual advisor.
 
I see how it could be if you are married to the wrong person. I’ve seen too many good marriages to believe that all of them are bad but having been in the dating world for a few decades I can say good marriages are hard to come by or rather the right person is very hard to find.

I’ll pray for you and hope things get better on your end.
 
leonie said:
I do think it is noble to be faithful to your marriage vows no matter what.
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**
Definitely… IF the marriage is valid. If it is not valid there are no vows to be faithful to. I second the advice of a good spiritual advisor, lawyer, priest…and anyone else who can help you get your life back. You owe it to yourself and your children to do what is right for you.**

From what you describe, this is in no way your fault! Sure, you were probably not the perfect husband…but that is normal. No one is perfect. It is your wife’s job to help get you to heaven…not jump into women’s beds because she deems you inadequate:mad:
 
I hope and pray everything gets better.

I don’t think you should stay in this marriage. If she’s not willing to go half way and help rebuild the marriage,then I say go head and get a divorce for your sake and of your children.
Please get some help…
:gopray2:
 
I am getting help. My therapist is providing it. My wife is being extremely recalcitrant. She is not cooperating, and refuses to attend these counseling sessions. Nor will she read any of the materials I have purchased for her, or take any affirmative action, to address the problem. She just wants out.

I cannot control her, manipulate her, or force her to stay. I need to do what I can, to convince her to stay. That means changing me, not her. Then she can decide to change herself. And in the process, our marriage may be saved.

I appreciate your hopes and prayers, during this painful, excrutiating time of my life.

God bless.
 
mrpathetic said:
I am getting help. My therapist is providing it. My wife is being extremely recalcitrant. She is not cooperating, and refuses to attend these counseling sessions. Nor will she read any of the materials I have purchased for her, or take any affirmative action, to address the problem. She just wants out.

I cannot control her, manipulate her, or force her to stay. I need to do what I can, to convince her to stay. That means changing me, not her. Then she can decide to change herself. And in the process, our marriage may be saved.

I appreciate your hopes and prayers, during this painful, excrutiating time of my life.

God bless.
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Changing you will not cause your wife to stop pursuing women. That’s a lie she wants you to believe, because she doesn’t want to change.

But, if you feel that you have no other options, then I guess we can’t say much else, except…we’ll be praying for you.😦
 
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