Marriage is misery. Bottom line.

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I’ve posted here before, and I’ll say a prayer for you brother, but you have to stop this abuse.
  1. Kick her out
  2. File for civil divorce **for cause **(adultery & mental cruelty) and FULL custody of your children
  3. Find a good spiritual director.
  4. Once the divorce is final, apply for a decree of nullity.
You need to be done with her, and start the healing process. Even if you never re-marry or enter religious life, I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that the annulment process would help you heal, and realize that this wasn’t your fault.

God Bless
 
It’s quite possible the situation you describe is not marriage. A valid marriage is freely entered into by both the man and the woman. I don’t know all the intricacies of this. But if your wife is dealing with SSA issues, she may have been psychologically incapable of saying “I do”. If that is the case, you really are not married and never were. That’s what a declaration of nullity means. You have no moral obligation to call your relationship marriage if it really isn’t. And a good canon lawyer should be able to help you sort this out.
 
PaulinVA said:
In all Christian love, let me say that your wife quit on your marriage a long time ago. There is nothing there to salvage.

Take the lead, find a lawyer, and file for divorce.

I do not say this lightly. You are being abused and you need to stop it.
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ITA!

No one deserves this type of treatment. This situation shows no signs of a sacramental marriage. Mr. P, I have followed your story, and I really hope things change for you. Get a lawyer and find a priest, please! Your wife doesn’t deserve a good man like you!
 
:bighanky: mr p–praying for you. Your posts break my heart.

I am not sure where you have decided that you should suffer for your wife’s sins…have you been to confession over the years? If so, God forgives…you have to forgive yourself, for whatever it is that you did. That’s the key–I don’t think you have forgiven yourself for whatever it is that you have done in your life.

Praying for you!!!
 
mrpathetic writes:

“In effect, this situation is killing me.”

Fifteen years and two-plus months wrapped in a straight jacket.

One definition of insanity is, “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result”. I would say you have your answer, mrpathetic. It’s your choice as to whether life goes on or not.

Nobody wants to deal with the technical parts. It’s a big hassle. But it’s like anything else in life - you get out of it what you put into it. I don’t understand why anyone would stay in a loveless, hopeless marriage for 75% of the duration of the union. One can only try and do and pray and hope and think and worry and bargain and discuss so much. Comes a time when it’s done.

Best thing: get out - civilly, then get your annulment. You’ve got one go-round on this planet - I just don’t believe God wants you to blow any more of your time on this thing.

marietta
 
Hi,

It took me years to let go of the hopes and dreams associated with the marriage I was in.

Just pray to do God’s will and listen to what He says. He wouldn’t want you to stay in a marriage that pulled you away from Him. He wouldn’t want you to stay in a marriage that pulled your children away from Him.

Just keep working through this. If you feel some guilt for how this marriage has turned out, keep praying and ask God to lead you to the right path. Pray to the Holy Spirit for the wisdom and courage to do God’s will.

I will keep you in my prayers.
 
whatevergirl said:
:bighanky: mr p–praying for you. Your posts break my heart.

I am not sure where you have decided that you should suffer for your wife’s sins…have you been to confession over the years? If so, God forgives…you have to forgive yourself, for whatever it is that you did. That’s the key–I don’t think you have forgiven yourself for whatever it is that you have done in your life.

Praying for you!!!
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I have gone to confession regularly. We all know the precepts of our church. We must attend confession at least once a year.

I have forgiven my wife for what she has done. And I have asked God, to forgive me for what I did.

Now, forgiving myself, for what I have done - that will take much, much more time. Perhaps it will take a lifetime.
**
Tonight, my wife announced her intentions to file for divorce, and to begin the process of moving out. She will be moving out herself. She will actually start looking for an apartment tomorrow. **

I cannot describe the pain I am experiencing inside right now. Really, truly, I know what it means, to be in Gethsemane.
 
I walk the shoes you are in. Your REPEATED requests here are for other fellow Catholics to pray for you and support you in your decision to go through the ‘bad’ and ‘illness’ times in your marriage. From what I have seen so far, only one poster has been directly specific in this (thanks, ‘Leonie’).

I often feel somewhat apprehensive in engaging with this kind of dialogue because of the expected result you have mostly got from here, so I do apologise for not having written earlier. I admire your determination. Please remember that the choice of faith is to bring LIFE, not death.
In effect, this situation is killing me. That is one of the reasons why I relate so strongly to the Gethsemane narrative. My commitment to my marriage vows is killing me. I now have to decide if I follow this path, to its ultimate conclusion.
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I can very well understand your suffering, but it is indeed within the suffering that we are able to enter into a much deeper relationship of faith with God, through Jesus. You, like everyone, have a free choice of will - what YOU decide to do with it. People from all walks of life will advise you one way or another, but ALL have agenda’s to promote (just like I have;)). Your job is to seek your faith through all of this, to put Christ first, not yourself or other opinions of you. Same goes with your wife.

If you really want any chance of this coming to a better outcome, and not just an inevitable one, start by taking the focus off yourself first and secondly, off your wife. Start with pursuing your relationship with God with every particle of your being, whatever you believe you need to do, to ***experience ***and ***know ***the LOVE of God. Let Love be your guiding force in all things. If you go the path of love, you will have anger, you will have grief, but you will find love, the purest and most unconditional love there is, from God. And it will be God who will give you the understanding and love that you need (that we ALL need). You will realize that your love is also ***conditional, ***so we really then can only begin to understand why we cannot judge others because of the logs in our own eyes.

Some have said your situation warrants abuse and this can so easily be justified when you continue to be the ‘victim’ for the abuser to play out on you. You know you have a course to know a love that this world does not offer, you take that on board and you cannot remain the victim any longer, you have only love and compassion for the other., you will not die! In the strength of this knowledge, YOU WILL become a stronger person and you will become a witness for her. What she ultimately decides upon is of course, her choice. But marriage is a SACRAMENT that requires each of us to bring the other to our ultimate destination - HEAVEN. Not the pathway of abandonment. Whatever the outcome, you can be this witness both for your children and your wife and be at peace with God.

WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE - I and my husband are living testimony to this and have struggled with this problem all our married life as well. I considered divorce, annulment etc. and knew I would be only too well supported in this path. I even told him that perhaps he needed to go out and experience that lifestyle. (What was I thinking?!!:doh2:). I knew that we only get one chance around this lifetime, so after much consideration, I figured that maybe this just was the cross I had to bear. I know the scene of Jesus’ suffering in Gethsemane only so well!! I actually did a painting of it - and one day I got such a fright when I saw it out of the corner of my eye - it was me that I had painted without realising it! Then I began to realise that I had been emotionally abused growing up - without really ever knowing it - hence began MY journey of healing and continued reconciliation with God. Whilst I started to acknowledge God’s will throughout all of this, I couldn’t help but be amazed at how my husband was transforming right alongside with me. He and I began a journey into TRUTH and now have such a deep love for one another that is solidly rooted in the Love of God. Marriage is indeed a sacrament, a LIVING sacrament. God continues to bless us along the way with a deeper appreciation of just who HE is, and His immense desire to be reconciled with Him. I will pray for you, in fact, I should say I will continue to pray for you. Know you are NOT alone in this - it is incredible the number of marriages that are afflicted with this.

On a practical note - I also was the one who went and slept in another bed, couch, whatever was on offer - and could barely sleep most of the time. Dh stated that it was probably a good thing as he needed the better sleep more than me! :eek: One day, I just decided that in order for me to approach any of this rationally, I too, needed proper sleep and I was entitled to the bed as much as he was. I just started sleeping in OUR bed again, regardless of how he or I were feeling. It hurt a lot in the beginning, but now he always wonders when I’m coming to bed as he loves me being there and feels very lonely if I’m not! So just reclaim your right to sleep in your bed as well, regardless of whether or not she stays - that’s her choice - at the moment.

God’s love and peace to you, and may he fill you with a renewed hope and joy in HIM. You are a lovable person, just let God show you how much!! You have had incredible strength to stay in this relationship so far, so you are not pathetic!
 
Honestly, I truly wish that I did not have to endure what is about to come.

**I truly wish that I would die before I had to endure this. **

I know our faith’s rules against suicide. I know that it is mortal sin, and that it is the one sin from which there can be no reconciliation. The sinner is dead before the mortal sin can be confessed and forgiven. I know this. I understand fully the theology behind this.

That is probably the only thing that keeps me from opening up my wrists tonight.

I wish God would send the Angel of Death tonight. Not for anyone else, but me.
 
mrpathetic said:
Honestly, I truly wish that I did not have to endure what is about to come.

**I truly wish that I would die before I had to endure this. **

I know our faith’s rules against suicide. I know that it is mortal sin, and that it is the one sin from which there can be no reconciliation. The sinner is dead before the mortal sin can be confessed and forgiven. I know this. I understand fully the theology behind this.

That is probably the only thing that keeps me from opening up my wrists tonight.

I wish God would send the Angel of Death tonight. Not for anyone else, but me.
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Pleease for the love of God, do not do this. My husband did this to me and by the grace of God, I caught him leaving the house early one morning when we were all asleep. He was beside himself and had left suicidal notes to me and each of the children. I had no-one to turn to either - I just put him to bed and comforted him as best as possible. No-one was contactable at the time - pleease don’t do this - THERE IS HOPE - that he could just not see at the time. He cries now when he thinks what would have happened to us, I am crying for you now - I really was not going to post on this, but God so impressed this on my heart to start today - I couldn’t let the thought go - I’m bearing all with these postings - please, please, don’t do anything - you are a wonderful man in the eyes of God - and you will find His love - just open your heart - please ring your counselor - I pray for the arms of God to hold you close to his heart and comfort you.
 
Dear OP,
I’m so sorry to read all that you’ve been through.
You are depressed today, and that’s perfectly natural. You can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, but believe me, it’s there.
I suffered 10 years of an abusive marriage (he tried to kill me casually a couple of times), a divorce and an annulment.
Now I am married to a very kind man, who unfortunately is paralyzed. We’ve not had relations for some years. It’s hard at times, and I expect it’s harder for you because there’s no physical reason in your marriage.
I find it helps to offer my sexuality and frustration to God, whenever I feel like it’s too heavy a cross. I offer it to Him for the salvation of my children and for all our sins. It’s little enough, considering how many of us ignore and disrespect the mercy of our Lord.
You are loved by Jesus, who suffered intensely for you and is with you now in your grief. You don’t yet know what good He will bring out of your sorrow. He is amazingly creative, and I have no doubt that if you persevere in trying to do His will, you will be surprised at what he can bring out of all this.
Will be praying for you and your children tonight and in the future.
your sister in Christ
 
Please, Mr. P, If you are wishing for death, or are feeling suicidal, get help now! Call an actual person, a priest a counselor, or go to the ER. You need help, depression is an illness, please do not do this alone.

You have my prayers!
 
Hi,

I hope everything looks a little brighter this morning. Today would be a good day to spend reading the Psalms. Some are about misery, some are about consolation, some are about giving glory to God. Whenever you have a thought of suicide say Jesus I trust in you.
Suicide is not an option. It is one of the most selfish things we can do. Your children will need you now more than ever. With a mother who is lesbian, who will guide them through life if not you. If the thought of suicide crosses your mind say “Jesus I trust in you.” God will not give you more than you can handle. Say Jesus I Trust in You over and over again until you feel more in control.

Don’t think about how much pain you are in. Think about what your children are going through. Think about how you can lead them and protect them in this difficult time. Don’t talk about the details of you and your wife’s problems with them. This would be more information than they can handle, although they have probably picked up on what the problems are.

No matter how much you hurt, save all that for the counselor or talk about it here. Don’t dump your hurts on your kids who are trying to get through hurts of their own. I am not a counselor, but I have gone what you are going through.

I assume the kids will not go with her. When she moves out, the kids may have feelings of abandonment even if they are older.
Encourage them to express their feelings, but refrain from joining in if they have some negative things to say about their mother.
Just try to console them.
I am praying that my guardian angel will go to you and along with your own guardian angel, will keep you safe. You are not going through this alone. Turn your burden over to God. You are not any less of a Catholic if you go through a divorce. Jesus understands your misery.

Please keep in touch with us so we know you are okay.
 
To all who have reached out to Mr. P in Christ’s love: You are Jesus’ arms and sacred heart welcoming this dear brother in his time of sincere agony - none of us questions the intense pain and rejection that is overwhelming our dear brother in Christ.

The one person I have not heard mentioned in this thread is satan. He is behind all of this misery, not Jesus and His Holy Cross. Hebrews 12 tells us that Jesus endured the humiliation of the cross “for the joy that was set before him”. The fruit of the Spirit is Joy. The reason things have fallen so dark for our dear brother is that satan has oppressed him with lies, guilt and demonic temptations because of the mortal sins of his unfaithful wife.

satan is a deceiver, a robber of hope, a liar about the will of God, a false prophet, a thief stealing the gifts of the Holy Spirit, a dealer in heresy and schism, and a hater of God’s devout children. The devil and his wicked angels are ganging up on Mr. P and he is in need of deliverance. We ought to pray that these deceiving spirits are thrown down and exposed, and that the true counsel of God’s overcoming Spirit will break through to our dear brother.

satan has taken advantage of our dear brother’s herculean piety, his refusal to give up on his vows, and his steadfast faith that a miracle is still possible. The prophet Jeremiah suffered similar agony until the LORD told him not to pray for Judah anymore - as shocking as that sounds, God realized His bride Israel would not return to Him without facing drastic consequences for her wickedness.

Homosexuality is described by St. Paul in Romans 1 as reprobation - the ruin of the human conscience - a terrifyingly dangerous trip away from the light of nature’s truths, let alone revelation’s truths, satan is at work here, and we must never look at these situations as mere dealing between two human beings.

Mr. P mentions the garden of Gethsemane - it was there that Jesus defeated satan by committing to the Father’s will. Angels strengthened Jesus there. Jesus’ primary warfare was neither with the unbelieving Jews nor the pagan Romans, but with the devil and his angels. Jesus drove demons out with the finger of God. Mr. P is indeed in the Garden of agony, but he must turn his desire for his wife and his bludgeoned human dignity in to violent action against the satanic powers that are oppressing him, and we should help.

Mr. P, if you are still out there, remember St. Paul’s words - “we wrestle not with flesh and blood, but with principalities, powers and wickedness in high places”. satan is the accuser of the brethren, and we overcome him by the Blood of the Lamb - Eucharist- and not by our own courage or strength. Jesus rebukes the wicked demons of homosexuality and condemnation that are vexing your family. In His name, you have authority over the spirits of blasphemy, homosexuality, false guilt and condemnation, and (get ready) ethical rigorism that have crept into your weakened mind. God has not called you to endless misery with no undergirding of divine joy and peace.

No married man should have to endure the torment of an unfaithful wife, let alone a homosexual, accusing, unbelieving wife. DO NOT ALLOW YOUR SENTIMENTAL ATTACHMENTS TO THIS WOMAN ALLOW YOU TO SWALLOW THE BAIT OF DEMONS. You are worth more: “I have come that they may have life, and life more abundantly” (John 10:10). Believe that Christ has overcome these evil spirits that are lying to you and seek the guidance and annointing of the Holy Spirit who breaks every yoke of bondage and destroys the lies of the enemy.
“For this purpose was the Son of God manifested: to destroy the works of the evil one.”

YOU ARE NOT ALONE, OUR DEAR BROTHER.

With combat prayer against demons on your behalf,
Johnny (and others)
👍
 
**Catholic Johnny:

Wow. What a post. I don’t even have words. I will join you in prayer that this man is delivered from evil and is shown clearly God’s will for his life.**
 
mrpathetic:

For 15 years you have been bleeding out from abuse, neglect, animosity, guilt, shame. This is my opinion only, but it appears to me, in interpreting what you’ve written, that you are already dead.

What you are feeling, then, is the energy that is left behind after death. The first law of Thermodynamics tells us that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Everything else has fallen away from your core. You are now the essential soul. And I concur with the other posters who have offered the insight that you most certainly are not pathetic. You are the weed that comes through the crack in the sidewalk. You are a survivor.

What a glorious position to be in. You can redefine your relationship with God, with Jesus, with Mary, and (as I did through my divorce, with St. Jude). You can now build from the ground up, without hindrance or interference from another party. You can establish your goals and rekindle interests that dissolved long ago. You can participate in the gift of life as mrasgodintended and not as mrpathetic anymore. You, sir, are in the catbird seat.

I will not dismiss your angst or demean your reluctance to let go of that which is keeping you from living. We all have that process we must endure to get to the other side of hell. You will make it, one step at a time, with one foot in front of the other. With grace, you will get on with it. But remember that every step you take brings you closer to embracing life, with freedom and promise, serenity and every color, not just grey.

I pray that you will stay onboard here at the Forum and let us know how your journey back is progressing. Your experiences have qualified you to pursue life and love. Don’t abandon that now. I, for one, am counting on you.

marietta
 
mrpathetic said:
I have gone to confession regularly. We all know the precepts of our church. We must attend confession at least once a year.

I have forgiven my wife for what she has done. And I have asked God, to forgive me for what I did.

Now, forgiving myself, for what I have done - that will take much, much more time. Perhaps it will take a lifetime.
**
Tonight, my wife announced her intentions to file for divorce, and to begin the process of moving out. She will be moving out herself. She will actually start looking for an apartment tomorrow. **

I cannot describe the pain I am experiencing inside right now. Really, truly, I know what it means, to be in Gethsemane.
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mr p–I’m sorry that your marriage has taken this direction. I have had times when my guilt for my sins, despite the fact that I confessed them, and did penance…(and repented for them)…was all consuming. But, that is a sin in and of itself. If God can forgive us for our sins, who are we to not forgive ourselves? That’s the point you need to get to in your own life…that holding onto your guilt over your repented and confessed sins, is really holding you back from a good life. With or without your wife in your life, you are a child of God, and matter to Him. You matter, even if you don’t ‘matter’ to your wife.

I’ll keep praying for you–praying that you find peace and happiness in this life. We only get one life. Don’t live it out forever attached to misery and despair. God wants more for you.

You need to start believing this! Jesus’ death on the cross wasn’t so we could walk around in life miserable. Jesus’ death, while it brought a lot of pain and sorrow…brings with it His resurrection…a gift of NEW LIFE. All things are made new in Christ.

Please…meditate on those words. You are a new creation in Christ.

I pray for your wife too…that somewhere out in the world, she finds happiness…

God bless…praying for you.
 
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