Marriage is so HARD

[threeangels]

My husband just did something – inadvertently – that is tremendously upsetting to me, and I don’t know what to do about it. It has to do with finances.

In a nutshell, for the past two years, he has put NOTHING in his 401(k). We thought he’d elected to put in 6 percent of each paycheck, but apparently he had never done so. So we have lost out on saving thousands pretax over the course of two years, times two because there’s a company match, times the return on the investment we would have made during that time, times the return we would have made over the next decades till retirement. It adds up to thousands and thousands of dollars, and we are not rich people. We are a family of 5 living on a reporter’s salary. What’s worse is that we bought our house based on the assumption that our income was x dollars a month, when actually it’s less when you calculate that 6 percent. I cannot believe he could be so stupid. I handle all our finances except for that one thing, and he still managed to screw even that up. So so upset. (I guess that was more than a nutshell!)

All that to say, I know I have to forgive him and move on, especially since he didn’t do it on purpose, but the fact that he doesn’t understand why I’m upset puts quite a distance between us. This could have been any issue, not just finance. We’ve been married 6 years, btw. How do all of you happily-marrieds out there handle things like this? It was so easy being single. I had control of my life, control of my finances and everything else, and now I don’t.

I know this is long and rambling … just needed to get it off my chest I guess…

 

[JustAnotherThou]

I cannot believe he could be so stupid.

I know this was not the purpose of your thread. I pray my DH never calls me stupid We are one with God

 

[hasikelee]

Make a decision. Take action. Then follow-up.

I don’t want to come across as lecturing, because, trust me, I need to follow my own advice.

Seriously, though, in the workplace, we completely understand this concept. You ask an employee to do something. Then you follow up on it.

I guess with our spouse, we feel that he should know better, or trust them as we trust ourself. That doesn’t mean they are not trustworthy, it is just another indication that we aren’t mind-melded vulcans!

What is it with husbands and needing follow-up? I don’t know. But I do know that if you had asked him two weeks after deciding to put the 6% towards a 401, you probably would have caught the mistake.

I’ve done this several times now with our bills. We are still “transitioning” his and her bills. Bills are everywhere! lol Anyways, he will think I got the bill taken care of, I think he did, in the end we get a reminder in the mail or I stumble over it when I am checking up on all the finances. A nasty little surprise.

We have come up with a little idea which has worked so far. We sit down, give each other full attention. The person who has a request/idea/need states it to the other person. The other person than repeats it. Action is agreed upon (how to go about doing it). A deadline is agreed upon.

Then, a week later, we do the same thing to make sure everything is going smoothly. This really helps in more ways than just catching an erring spouse. It provides both people with a sense of being included and up to date on what is going on.

 

[duskyjewel]

If you do all the finances, why did you not catch this the first year on his W-2, when you filed the taxes? On his paystubs each week or two? As long as we’re throwing around words like stupid, it seems like you could have been a bit more aware, too.

He couldn’t have not known he did this. There is a reason. Find out what it is. The reason people first give for “oversights” like this is almost never the real one. Even they may not be aware of that. Ask him, what do you feel you will lose by putting this money aside? What do you feel you gain by not putting it aside? Don’t nag, but do tell him you expect honest, introspective thought from him about it, along with a clear answer, before a week is out.

Once you have gotten the reason he didn’t, you can deal with fixing the situation. Work together, be compassionate. Money is emotional, and some people never really think about why they use it or react to it the way they do.

 

[Belle10]

All that to say, I know I have to forgive him and move on, especially since he didn’t do it on purpose, but the fact that he doesn’t understand why I’m upset puts quite a distance between us. This could have been any issue, not just finance. We’ve been married 6 years, btw. How do all of you happily-marrieds out there handle things like this? It was so easy being single. I had control of my life, control of my finances and everything else, and now I don’t.

I know this is long and rambling … just needed to get it off my chest I guess…

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Based on what you’ve said, it’s not just the financial aspect of the mistake, but the fact that you feel like you can’t depend on him because of this mistake. (I’ve been there too, though not with something this big.)

Like you said, you know you need to forgive him and move on, and I’m sure you will. Remember, when you do that, you’re emulating Jesus (maybe that will help you be able to do it, though I know it’s not easy).

“It was so easy being single. I had control of my life, control of my finances and everything else, and now I don’t.”

----> I hear ya. But, as some wise poster said not too long ago (sorry, I don’t remember who, but their words stuck with me!):

“Trying to control everything is prideful.”

Those words hit me, because that’s what I do. I try to make sure everything is taken care of and that I know what’s going on all the time b/c I feel like if everything is just so, I’ll feel better. It was a reminder for me that I need to trust God a little more.

Hope this helps, and God bless your family. I used to be a reporter, so I know what that salary is like, and it’s tough. :hug1:

 

[leonie]

Let it go. It’s just money.

Now, if he forgets your birthday…I have different advice.

 

[kevinsgirl]

You’re right that there are challenging things in marriage. Financially, we ended up getting slapped around during tax time when there was a bit of an oversight last year. But you know what? Instead of thinking about all the things I could have bought with the money and couldn’t now (my mother’s suggestion ) we put it behind us and learned from that mistake. If it is an honest mistake you just have to learn from it and move on. In the whole grand scheme of things it matters way more to me that I have a healthy, loving marriage than that I have a big bank account…or any bank account for that matter.

 

[duskyjewel]

Let it go. It’s just money.

Now, if he forgets your birthday…I have different advice.

Money is the number one issue couples fight about. Minimizing it helps no one.

Money is the resource we use to support our families. Spouses need to be working together to put it to best use. It is our obligation to our spouse not to make their part of supporting the family any harder than it needs to be.

 

[TAS2000]

Aside form the fact that there was a company match there is NO guarantee that you would have made “thousands and thousands”. With the ecomony the way it has been the last couple years you could very likely have LOST money depending on the funds you picked. And if YOU are the one with the financial abilty in the family, then YOU need to be the one dealing with it. But if your efforts are being resented by DH, then you have other problems. I would be delighted if someone offered to worry about all those details for me. But not all of us are the same. So you really need to let go of your assumption of lost wealth and deal with the “From this point forward”. Just make sure you are both ok with it before you just take over.

 

[duskyjewel]

We have an IRA that we put post-tax dollars into, and then deduct it on our return at the end of the year. We can reallocate into different funds whenever we want. It works for us because it is close to our control, and I have the amount automatically taken from our checking account each month, so there is no way to forget.

TAS2000’s point is well taken. Our IRA hasn’t been doing great, with the possible exception of the precious metals fund. Those do well when currency is weakening and commodities go nuts like oil has in the past year.

 

[kristacecilia]

I mean this with love, so don’t take offense!

Most of the time when I am very upset with my husband over something like this, I am more upset with myself for the mistakes I can so obviously see that I made.

I don’t know about you guys, but we receive statements for our RRSP (same as a 401k). I also receive statements for my US ROTH IRA. I look over DH’s pay stub periodically. I also manage the information for our taxes and know that I need to have those statements for tax purposes. I am in charge of the bulk of our finances (the bill paying, money tracking, and filing) and I don’t think I could have not known that a mistake like that was going on, even if DH was in charge of making sure it got set up.

You probably realize this, and you are mad at yourself, too. Yes, he made a mistake. So did you. Hopefully you can both forgive each other, realize there is nothing you can do about it now, and start new. Go with Haskilee’s advice. Make the plans for him to take care of this on Monday, and then follow up by making sure he didn’t forget.

 

[agapewolf]

It was so easy being single. I had control of my life, control of my finances and everything else, and now I don’t.

…

Maybe for you. EVer think that there are plenty of single people that would trade places with you in a second?

 

[KCT]

All that to say, I know I have to forgive him and move on, especially since he didn’t do it on purpose, but the fact that he doesn’t understand why I’m upset puts quite a distance between us.

Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes they cost money.

I don’t understand why my husband gets upset sometimes, and he frequently doesn’t understand why I get upset. That’s how we’re wired. We react differently.

If you expect him to understand all your upsets, you’re in for some fun times .

 

[manualman]

…
It was so easy being single. I had control of my life, control of my finances and everything else, and now I don’t.
…

I may be way off here, but I suspect maybe the bold word is the absolute crux of the problem here. Worth an examination of conscience perhaps?

 

[dulcissima]

Well, if you think THAT is hard and financially devastating, you should see what divorce is like.

 

[mariam1976]

i would suggest that you let it go and take one of the poster’s advice that you sit down every week and make sure that you are on the same page about the issues that are bothering you both!!

i know it feels horrible that you dont have control… been there done that… but remember, at the end of the day, it is just money… (i love suze orman’s quote - people first, then money, then things!!) dont make ur husband feel any worse than what he must be feeling… and always remember… JESUS is in control… of EVERYTHING!!! the money that u could have saved and compounded through the years can be wiped away in an instant by HIM… and HE can do the reverse in an instant too!!!

so trust HIM more than yourself or your hubby or MONEY!!

 

[duskyjewel]

I think manualman is on to something. There seems to be some “grass is greener” going on here.

OP, if you constantly compare your married life to the perceived wonderfulness of your single life, you are setting yourself up for major problems. You are looking for reasons to be unhappy. Don’t sabotage yourself like that. You vowed to love and CHERISH. You are not cherishing your spouse if you are always comparing the shortcomings of life with him with some artificially rosy conception of life without him.

It’s like how sadness is not a sin, but despair is. What’s the difference? Sadness is a normal human emotion. Despair results when you purposely indulge in and feed the sadness to the point of complete hopelessness, which is a rejection of God’s mercy and a denial of His ability and desire to help us.

 

[tapiocapudding]

I was in a sort of similar situation with my spouse this year. We were trying to decide whether to live in my hometown or his. I had a really great stable job in my hometown, but I knew I would be leaving it in 8 months (we had just found out about my pregnancy). He was working with a company who told him he would be getting a raise in his hometown. I wanted to stay since I was still making more and I felt that the promotion was not a sure thing (nothing was explicitly stated about the arrangement, he just heard it from his boss). He assured me it was and that it would be better for our family to move. So I left my job and we made the move. Well, the company never promoted him and his contract went up. We were both unemployed for a while. Eventually I found a job making half what I made at my previous job and DH also found a low paying job. Now, 6 months later we are returning to my hometown because the job market in this city is just so bad.
I was really resentful for a long time. We lost over $30 000 by leaving my city and now we are really low income, have almost no savings and a baby due in just 2.5 months. We have to get a 1 bedroom appartment. I blamed him for a while.
But I realized eventually that I just had to let it go. We all make mistakes and errors in judgement. I love him so much and he’s always been good to me. He didn’t mislead us on purpose. And most importantly, you can’t change the past. Dwelling on things you can’t change just hurts everyone.
So we pick back up, dust back off and take it as an important lesson.
I hope you can forgive your spouse and move on. But don’t feel bad for being upset and angry, you’re totally entitled to feel that way. Feel angry, even write a mean note, then just rip it up, let it go and move on. I feel so much better now that I have moved on. The anger can just eat you up if you let it.
ETA: I certainly don’t claim to be an expert on marriages seeing as I’ve only been married a very short time! This is just my opinion

 

[threeangels]

Make a decision. Take action. Then follow-up.

I don’t want to come across as lecturing, because, trust me, I need to follow my own advice.

Seriously, though, in the workplace, we completely understand this concept. You ask an employee to do something. Then you follow up on it.

I guess with our spouse, we feel that he should know better, or trust them as we trust ourself. That doesn’t mean they are not trustworthy, it is just another indication that we aren’t mind-melded vulcans!

What is it with husbands and needing follow-up? I don’t know. But I do know that if you had asked him two weeks after deciding to put the 6% towards a 401, you probably would have caught the mistake.

I’ve done this several times now with our bills. We are still “transitioning” his and her bills. Bills are everywhere! lol Anyways, he will think I got the bill taken care of, I think he did, in the end we get a reminder in the mail or I stumble over it when I am checking up on all the finances. A nasty little surprise.

We have come up with a little idea which has worked so far. We sit down, give each other full attention. The person who has a request/idea/need states it to the other person. The other person than repeats it. Action is agreed upon (how to go about doing it). A deadline is agreed upon.

Then, a week later, we do the same thing to make sure everything is going smoothly. This really helps in more ways than just catching an erring spouse. It provides both people with a sense of being included and up to date on what is going on.

Following up is definitely a good idea! I just always feel like I’m nagging when I’m constantly reminding him to do things, but on the other hand, if he says he’ll do something and then doesn’t …

He couldn’t have not known he did this. There is a reason. Find out what it is. The reason people first give for “oversights” like this is almost never the real one. Even they may not be aware of that. Ask him, what do you feel you will lose by putting this money aside? What do you feel you gain by not putting it aside? Don’t nag, but do tell him you expect honest, introspective thought from him about it, along with a clear answer, before a week is out.

I honestly think he didn’t realize he had it set to zero. I mean, he TOLD me it was at 6, and I’m sure he wouldn’t lie. He’s actually a lovely person, contrary perhaps to my implications as I typed that original post.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Based on what you’ve said, it’s not just the financial aspect of the mistake, but the fact that you feel like you can’t depend on him because of this mistake. (I’ve been there too, though not with something this big.)

That’s quite true. It bothers me that I feel like I have to be responsible for everything … kids, household, finances, etc.

You’re right that there are challenging things in marriage. Financially, we ended up getting slapped around during tax time when there was a bit of an oversight last year. But you know what? Instead of thinking about all the things I could have bought with the money and couldn’t now (my mother’s suggestion ) we put it behind us and learned from that mistake. If it is an honest mistake you just have to learn from it and move on. In the whole grand scheme of things it matters way more to me that I have a healthy, loving marriage than that I have a big bank account…or any bank account for that matter.

True!

I mean this with love, so don’t take offense!

Most of the time when I am very upset with my husband over something like this, I am more upset with myself for the mistakes I can so obviously see that I made.

I don’t know about you guys, but we receive statements for our RRSP (same as a 401k). I also receive statements for my US ROTH IRA. I look over DH’s pay stub periodically. I also manage the information for our taxes and know that I need to have those statements for tax purposes. I am in charge of the bulk of our finances (the bill paying, money tracking, and filing) and I don’t think I could have not known that a mistake like that was going on, even if DH was in charge of making sure it got set up.

You probably realize this, and you are mad at yourself, too. Yes, he made a mistake. So did you. Hopefully you can both forgive each other, realize there is nothing you can do about it now, and start new. Go with Haskilee’s advice. Make the plans for him to take care of this on Monday, and then follow up by making sure he didn’t forget.

You are right as well! I am very irritated with myself for not checking. It’s just that, like I said, he told me he’d done it, so I never even thought to go look at the paperwork. Clearly, I erred!

Maybe for you. EVer think that there are plenty of single people that would trade places with you in a second?

I really didn’t mean that I wish I weren’t married, not at all! I realize how blessed I am to have a wonderful husband, but like all couples, we have a problem from time to time, and that’s why I came here for a sounding board. But just because I’m happy to be married doesn’t mean it’s not hard. I didn’t make that point well – sorry!

I hope you can forgive your spouse and move on. But don’t feel bad for being upset and angry, you’re totally entitled to feel that way. Feel angry, even write a mean note, then just rip it up, let it go and move on.

I appreciate hearing your story, and esp. those words. I do feel really guilty that I’m so upset over this. I will indeed move on, but I need to deal with this part first.

Would write more but the kids are in need of dinner and attention …

 

[rayne89]

God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right If I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.

Stick that poem on you bathroom mirror and read it every morning. What’s done is done -all the hurt, anger and frustration in the world will not change the result so you must forgive and move on. Don’t hold onto it and don’t use as ammunition in a future fight. Only God is perfect, expect the rest of us to make mistakes -sometimes huge ones.