Marriage is so HARD

[Teakafrog]

If that’s the worst thing your husband ever did to you, financially or otherwise, you need to praise God!

 

[drafdog]

Dear heart, it’s only money. Keep saying that to yourself. He comes home every night to you and the kids. He isn’t drinking the paycheck on the way home. You had the pay stub at each pay period to inspect to see that everything was as it should be. Don’t blame him. You both messed up. On to the next page.

Matthew

 

[scott1228]

It is just money.

What if he had been unfaithful to you? What if you had been unfaithful.

There are a lot more difficult things to deal with than money.

 

[threeangels]

i know it feels horrible that you dont have control… been there done that… but remember, at the end of the day, it is just money… (i love suze orman’s quote - people first, then money, then things!!) dont make ur husband feel any worse than what he must be feeling… and always remember… JESUS is in control… of EVERYTHING!!! the money that u could have saved and compounded through the years can be wiped away in an instant by HIM… and HE can do the reverse in an instant too!!!

I somehow missed reading this my first time through. I hadn’t thought of it that way, and that really makes me feel much better. I think part of the reason this has been eating at me is I feel like we’ve been bad stewards of what God gave us. Lots of posters have said that it’s “just money,” but really, it’s more than that. Sure, we can’t take money to heaven, money doesn’t buy happiness, etc., but money, at least to me, means security. If we have enough socked away, it means I can keep staying at home with the kids, that if one of us had a health problem it wouldn’t ruin us financially, that my kids can have a good education. I have always felt that God really takes care of us. Whenever some expense comes up, the money appears. And for a family of 5 living on a small salary, we’re extremely blessed to be able to say that. So when my mind wanders and I start calculating the money we lost out on, I feel so guilty that our careless (yes – I said “our” ) mistake cost us so much. So anyway, what you said about how Jesus can undo all that really hit home. I will remember that and try to do better in the future.

 

[scott1228]

Maybe you should change the thread title to “We are really blessed!”

 

[threeangels]

Maybe you should change the thread title to “We are really blessed!”

Can you tell how disorganized my brain is?! I could’ve created a few threads out of this one. I will say, too, that I’m feeling much more charitable about the whole situation now that I’ve read everyone else’s thoughts. Precisely why I posted to begin with.

 

[bcuster]

My husband and I have been married nearly 24 years. I know that 2 years of money down the drain (x2) seems like a really big deal right now. I do remember getting really upset about a lot of things my husband did. Then I read an article in the Catholic Digest that asked “What is it like being married to me?” Whoa! I thought I had it bad. My husband, loving and patient as he is, has had to put up with a moody, controling, complaining, judgemental, opinionated, selfish, wife who always thinks she is right–and will argue the point until he gives in and agrees with me, also. (And that’s on a good day!) And he still loves me! I can not imagine why! 24 years! Now that is supreme love and sacrifice.

I truly hope I have improved somewhat over the years, I think menopause has taken care of some of the moodiness. I catch myself criticizing him often and have to shut my mouth and offer a prayer.

In time this simple unintentional “stupid” mistake will become a thing of the past. You will make an equally simple, unintentional “stupid” mistake yourself. You will learn not to sweat the small stuff and appreciate the loving, caring man you married. Now, take a deep breath, and go hug your husband.

“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

 

[royal_archer]

I am new to this so I assume DH refers to your Dear Husband. I’ve been maried for over 15 years and have found my self on the other side of several situations like this so let me add some fuel to the fire. First I was a reporter once for a school newspaper and it is a stressfull job. Like wise my current job at work is stressfull. Being the sole bread winner I have to perform in order to keep the family fed. right or wrong I compensate by focusing on what ever it takes to do my job and keep my job. It is easy to loose focus of things like this that are not critical to the performance of my job. My wife is always mad at me for not filling out expense reports in a timely manner or not doing other things like that. The only way I get those frivilous things done. is to take a day off, focus and do them. (there is also an ADD aspect). You may want to ask your husband to a finance date every so often where you to can sit down with out distractions and work things like this out. You may also want to call his company bennefits office and see if you can make up missed payments and still get at least some of the matching.

Another area where I am in the wrong is when my wife is yelling at me for not getting something done. When that happens I usually loose my ability / motivation to concentrate and it makes it harder to do what she is asking me to do. I may even get a bit of an attitude.

 

[monicatholic]

So when my mind wanders and I start calculating the money we lost out on, I feel so guilty that our careless (yes – I said “our” ) mistake cost us so much.

Aside form the fact that there was a company match there is NO guarantee that you would have made “thousands and thousands”. With the ecomony the way it has been the last couple years you could very likely have LOST money depending on the funds you picked.

I’m so glad to read how you’ve progressed from angry to accepting throughout this thread, ThrreeAngels. What a blessing and so many graces.

I highlighted both quotes above to tell a personal experience. After GoodHusband and I quit all the stocks in companies that had side companies in pornography, all the pharmecuticals that produced abortifacients etc., all the companies that made bombs and expolited poor foreign workers, all the companies that trashed the environment, we were left with a very green, Catholic, moral portfolio. So much research went into choosing stocks that performed well or were showing a very promising trajectory.

Almost everything tanked.

GoodHusband and I NEVER consider the gains lost as our own money lost because we didn’t earn it. We risked our earned money and lost. The only money we consider ours is paycheck or gifts.

We ever strive to be better stewards, but we rely on God, not our savings.

 

[leonie]

Money is the number one issue couples fight about. Minimizing it helps no one.

Money is the resource we use to support our families. Spouses need to be working together to put it to best use. It is our obligation to our spouse not to make their part of supporting the family any harder than it needs to be.

shrug. It’s still just money.

 

[hasikelee]

I just have to drag my soapbox out to say, it’s not just money. If money is an important aspect of that person’s goals and/or marriage plans, then it can be a big thing.

Some things in life are more important to people than others and I’m not talking about an obsessive love of money.

If this family was expecting a certain amount of money and planning based on the husband’s paycheck, only to find out that a mistake prevented the money from even existing, then it’s a big thing. Maybe not the end of the world. But, simply repressing or dismissing the situation because money is not important to other posters won’t get the OP anywhere.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I somehow missed reading this my first time through. I hadn’t thought of it that way, and that really makes me feel much better. I think part of the reason this has been eating at me is I feel like we’ve been bad stewards of what God gave us. Lots of posters have said that it’s “just money,” but really, it’s more than that. Sure, we can’t take money to heaven, money doesn’t buy happiness, etc., but money, at least to me, means security. If we have enough socked away, it means I can keep staying at home with the kids, that if one of us had a health problem it wouldn’t ruin us financially, that my kids can have a good education. I have always felt that God really takes care of us. …

I’m glad to read this follow up post from the original poster. God takes care of us. Sometimes He cares for our through our husbands and 401k’s; sometimes He works through other means.

Regarding the original post, you got upset based on the *assumption *that your husband lost money. Truth is, the stock market goes up and down. You are upset over speculation on circumstances many years away. Typically young investors take riskier investments, hoping for big gains but that can also mean big losses. We had huge loses on my husband’s 401k several years ago–we scrimped and saved to set that money in the fund. Just think, I could have shopped more…

You don’t know at this point what effect this mistake will have on your retirement, but you can see the effect it has on your marriage right now. Yes, people should be financially responsible and save for their retirement, take advantage of company matching, etc. But letting money tear apart your marriage isn’t good financial strategy. Counseling and divorce are expensive. Happy marriages provide more security than a big bank account or 401k matching plans. If this money meant security to you, then count it as “invested” in your relationship by saying nothing more about the mistake.

 

[royal_archer]

My 401 K took a big hit over the last few years. but lets say that with matching funds you would have put away 10% of his salary. now do that for two years. It is say 20-25% of his salary. That is three months wages. This means the worse case is that he will retire three months later than he other wise would. But then consider inflation. How many years till retirement? 30? 40? that three months today will equal about 3 days then so basicaly he has condemed himself to retire one week later than he would have otherwise retired. Also consider that had he not taken the money out how much higher your other debts would be. and the interest lost on those debts. Add it all up and you may be surprised how little of an impact it is. missing only two years is not a big deal. especially the last two years with the stock market turmoil. start saving now and figure out what you need to do from this point forward. Work with an accountant or financial planner not my thumbnail estimates.

 

[rick43235]

My 401 K took a big hit over the last few years. but lets say that with matching funds you would have put away 10% of his salary. now do that for two years. It is say 20-25% of his salary. That is three months wages. This means the worse case is that he will retire three months later than he other wise would. But then consider inflation. How many years till retirement? 30? 40? that three months today will equal about 3 days then so basicaly he has condemed himself to retire one week later than he would have otherwise retired. Also consider that had he not taken the money out how much higher your other debts would be. and the interest lost on those debts. Add it all up and you may be surprised how little of an impact it is. missing only two years is not a big deal. especially the last two years with the stock market turmoil. start saving now and figure out what you need to do from this point forward. Work with an accountant or financial planner not my thumbnail estimates.

I know you’re just trying to make the OP feel better, but your concept of the time value of money is WAY off.

 

[PaulinVA]

Marriage is so hard because you can’t plan for it. You have to react to events.

Yes, you must be prudent and make plans. But those plans can be wiped out by any number of things. Lost jobs. Inability to work. Mental illness. Sick kids. Devastating diseases/sicknesses. Parents. Violence. Crime. Disaster.

I think the original poster’s biggest concern is the lack of control we experience when we become one with our spouse. We lay it all out emotionally, financially, everything. We need to let go. But, we also need to hold up our end of the bargain and support our spouse to hold up their end.

But, living life through the decades, either married or single, is to experience a lot of things out of our control.

Family - Forget About Me - I Love You.

 

[royal_archer]

I know you’re just trying to make the OP feel better, but your concept of the time value of money is WAY off.

I did leave out the compounding of interest over 30 to 40 years and the assumtion that they put an equivalent amount into savings over the next couple of years to make up for it. I hope no one got the impression I didn’t think it was a good idea to invest young and keep building interest over the years. The important fact is that they will have plenty of time to make up for it.

 

[threeangels]

I just have to drag my soapbox out to say, it’s not just money. If money is an important aspect of that person’s goals and/or marriage plans, then it can be a big thing.

Some things in life are more important to people than others and I’m not talking about an obsessive love of money.

If this family was expecting a certain amount of money and planning based on the husband’s paycheck, only to find out that a mistake prevented the money from even existing, then it’s a big thing. Maybe not the end of the world. But, simply repressing or dismissing the situation because money is not important to other posters won’t get the OP anywhere.

Exactly. Thank you!

I think the original poster’s biggest concern is the lack of control we experience when we become one with our spouse. We lay it all out emotionally, financially, everything. We need to let go. But, we also need to hold up our end of the bargain and support our spouse to hold up their end.

But, living life through the decades, either married or single, is to experience a lot of things out of our control.

Family - Forget About Me - I Love You.

That’s well-said. Marriage is a beautiful sacrament, and JPII has some especially humbling writings about the meaning of marriage and family, the roles of husbands and wives, etc., but sometimes it’s hard to bring those ideals down to my reality, which is a messy, messy household with three kids under age 4 and two parents who, although we love each other, are just trying to get everything done each day. It’s hard to feel holy and charitable when things like the 401(k) mess crop up. I guess my goal in all this is to figure out a way to be more Christlike in times like these.

 

[Cat]

I’ve been married to the same man for almost 30 years. Two kids, grown, doing well.

We’re deliriously in love still.

I’ve skimmed through all the posts. I’m not good with money, so I don’t pretend to understand all the financial stuff.

A few thoughts, though, humbly presented.

This sounds like an independence issue to me. Men really really RESENT the loss of independence. They need to feel free. Perhaps this “hiding” of the 6% was just his way of trying to be free of the responsibilities and cares of being a husband and father.

The answer–make sure that each of you has an “allowance” that they can spend however they wish, even if it’s the most frivolous junk in the world. You’ll have to determine how much will work; it may just be a few dollars a week. But that little bit of his own money will give him that feeling of being a little boy with his own piggy bank to blow. And that’s important to men.

A second thought: The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. Don’t depend on finances. You think you have all your ducks in a row and then, BLAM, cancer, or an accident or a fire or a downsizing…the list goes ever on and gets more depressing.

My sister-in-law had it made until one of her twins was diagnosed with cancer. Now, even with good insurance, they’re over $300,000 in debt. And they’re almost 40, so this isn’t something that they can work through while they’re still young. They’re not young anymore.

You can never be sure of anything when it comes to money. All you can do is try to be good stewards of what the Lord has given you and ask Him to help you survive.

Here’s a thought that I hope doesn’t make you too mad at me, but I offer it because it’s the truth in many cases. Many times, controlling women marry men that they can easily control, and then become resentful when the man they married is not assertive. Perhaps that’s what happened to you. It’s too late now. You must learn to not resent him for being who he is, and you must stifle your desire to control him. You must love the man you married, not the man you fantasize about.

I hope that some of these thoughts are helpful.

 

[AHapka]

Well, my wife absolutely hates to handle the money and bills so I do everything. What works for us is that I fill out any paperwork that needs to be filled out, leaving her only needing to sign it and turn it in. Perhaps that’s something you could do with your husband. If he hates to handle finances like my wife, it’ll be a blessing for him and he’ll appreciate it.

If you handle all of the finances, you should check each paycheck simply for errors. I generally have at least two messed up paychecks a year (though I work a lot of overtime and convoluted hours on all shifts). When I enter my wife’s paychecks into Quicken, I’m always looking for abnormalities. She was underpaid about $300 a few months ago, and she’s on salary!!!

I would also at least try to talk him into doing all of the bills for at least one month. My wife hated doing it, but she really learned where the money goes (and she knows where everything is if I die…another benefit of doing it together).

Lastly, remember that retirement is after we die For what would it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul?

 

[He_Man]

shrug. It’s still just money.

Without which we would all die…

I’m not trying to emphasize being materialistic, but having a who cares attitude is what allows a lot of people to throw their lives away.

This isn’t one of those cases, and as long as this is something that happens routinely, so be it.

But without money, my children will not go to Catholic school, and we will die from starvation or freezing to death, neither of which is trivial.