Marriage is so HARD

[Cat]

Without which we would all die…

I’m not trying to emphasize being materialistic, but having a who cares attitude is what allows a lot of people to throw their lives away.

This isn’t one of those cases, and as long as this is something that happens routinely, so be it.

But without money, my children will not go to Catholic school, and we will die from starvation or freezing to death, neither of which is trivial.

It’s a balance thing.

Yes, money is important.

But the marriage is more important.

My husband and I used to obsess over money. We read all the latest “Christian” books on financial management, and attended seminars and vowed to be “debt free” since that’s the “Scriptural way.”

Well, then our kids started figure skating, and we literally threw all those guys out the window. I went back to work to pay for it, and almost 100% of my salary paid for ice time, coaching, skates (around a thousand a pair for boots, blades, and mounting), competitions fees, etc.

It was a good investment and I’m glad we did it, even though it meant no savings account, no retirement fund, old cars, and a modest ranch home. We have a lot of great memories and our kids literally had their characters formed on the “breath of God.” (See Job 37: 10, New American Standard version).

Many people would call us foolish. Perhaps they’re right. But we wouldn’t change the way we did things. Our family ties are strong and loving, but because of the skating, we are also comfortable being away from each other.

And it did pay off financially. When they got to college, both of my daughters coached part time. My younger daughter makes $36.00/hour coaching, and she has many friends at the skating rink. My older daughter made as much money in 4 hours at the rink as her friends made in 20 hours in the school cafeteria.

And both daughters love skating. My husband skates too, and I write skating novels, which haven’t made me rich, but have given me a lot of practical writing experience and delighted many skaters and skating fans. jazzicals.com/

I would also be so bold as to say that skating is one of the factors that led us home to Catholicism. When our daughters were members of an elite synchronized skating team in the nearby Big City their practice times were Saturday and Sunday mornings from 5:00 A.M until 1 P.M. This pretty much eliminated any Protestant church services! So my husband and I, out of obedience to Hebrews 10: 25, started going to Mass at the Catholic Church down the street. And the rest is His Story!

What I’m trying to say is that money issues will be different for every couple and every family. People shouldn’t compare themselves to the Smiths and the Jones and wonder why they’re doing so good and we’re doing so terrible! For all you know, the Smiths are bankrupt and the Jones are living on their parent’s loans!

Skating determined the way we did our finances. For others, it might be cancer. The important thing is to deal with money issues in LOVE and do what will build your family up and help you all stay close to God.

 

[He_Man]

It’s a balance thing.

Yes, money is important.

But the marriage is more important.

My husband and I used to obsess over money. We read all the latest “Christian” books on financial management, and attended seminars and vowed to be “debt free” since that’s the “Scriptural way.”

Well, then our kids started figure skating, and we literally threw all those guys out the window. I went back to work to pay for it, and almost 100% of my salary paid for ice time, coaching, skates (around a thousand a pair for boots, blades, and mounting), competitions fees, etc.

It was a good investment and I’m glad we did it, even though it meant no savings account, no retirement fund, old cars, and a modest ranch home. We have a lot of great memories and our kids literally had their characters formed on the “breath of God.” (See Job 37: 10, New American Standard version).

Many people would call us foolish. Perhaps they’re right. But we wouldn’t change the way we did things. Our family ties are strong and loving, but because of the skating, we are also comfortable being away from each other.

And it did pay off financially. When they got to college, both of my daughters coached part time. My younger daughter makes $36.00/hour coaching, and she has many friends at the skating rink. My older daughter made as much money in 4 hours at the rink as her friends made in 20 hours in the school cafeteria.

And both daughters love skating. My husband skates too, and I write skating novels, which haven’t made me rich, but have given me a lot of practical writing experience and delighted many skaters and skating fans. jazzicals.com/

I would also be so bold as to say that skating is one of the factors that led us home to Catholicism. When our daughters were members of an elite synchronized skating team in the nearby Big City their practice times were Saturday and Sunday mornings from 5:00 A.M until 1 P.M. This pretty much eliminated any Protestant church services! So my husband and I, out of obedience to Hebrews 10: 25, started going to Mass at the Catholic Church down the street. And the rest is His Story!

What I’m trying to say is that money issues will be different for every couple and every family. People shouldn’t compare themselves to the Smiths and the Jones and wonder why they’re doing so good and we’re doing so terrible! For all you know, the Smiths are bankrupt and the Jones are living on their parent’s loans!

Skating determined the way we did our finances. For others, it might be cancer. The important thing is to deal with money issues in LOVE and do what will build your family up and help you all stay close to God.

Oh I agree, and it needs to be a balance. If that is your primary focus by choice, you are missing out in my opinion. Marriage is much bigger than money.

This is very true: “What I’m trying to say is that money issues will be different for every couple and every family. People shouldn’t compare themselves to the Smiths and the Jones and wonder why they’re doing so good and we’re doing so terrible! For all you know, the Smiths are bankrupt and the Jones are living on their parent’s loans!”

The skating for your family sounds like a wonderful investment, as orchestral trumpet was for me growing up. Had my dad decided to spend all our money gambling on the NFL though, it would have not been good.

To act as though money is unimporant is silly, because without money, we wouldn’t go to mass, we wouldn’t be posting on Catholic Answers (co computer or internet service), and we would ultimately die, alone, and unfed.

And that is a bad attitude to have if your spouse decides to gamble away your entire fortune, or spend it frivously so that you are forced to send your kids to terrible schools in the inner city, or whatever.

Churches can’t survive without money, and if I tithe, 10% of $0 means I give the Church $0. The Church can’t survive without money, and to them, money matters.

Wasting money and talents isn’t healthy either (there is a scripture that directly addresses that, from the word of Jesus Himself), which is why money DOES in matter. Ask people living on the streets of Bangladesh if “it’s only money…”

 

[Cat]

Oh I agree, and it needs to be a balance. If that is your primary focus by choice, you are missing out in my opinion. Marriage is much bigger than money.

This is very true: “What I’m trying to say is that money issues will be different for every couple and every family. People shouldn’t compare themselves to the Smiths and the Jones and wonder why they’re doing so good and we’re doing so terrible! For all you know, the Smiths are bankrupt and the Jones are living on their parent’s loans!”

The skating for your family sounds like a wonderful investment, as orchestral trumpet was for me growing up. Had my dad decided to spend all our money gambling on the NFL though, it would have not been good.

To act as though money is unimporant is silly, because without money, we wouldn’t go to mass, we wouldn’t be posting on Catholic Answers (co computer or internet service), and we would ultimately die, alone, and unfed.

And that is a bad attitude to have if your spouse decides to gamble away your entire fortune, or spend it frivously so that you are forced to send your kids to terrible schools in the inner city, or whatever.

Churches can’t survive without money, and if I tithe, 10% of $0 means I give the Church $0. The Church can’t survive without money, and to them, money matters.

Wasting money and talents isn’t healthy either (there is a scripture that directly addresses that, from the word of Jesus Himself), which is why money DOES in matter. Ask people living on the streets of Bangladesh if “it’s only money…”

I definitely agree that money is important. My opinion is that this issue should be thoroughly and exhaustively discussed and agreed upon BEFORE marriage takes place. That’s the value of some of those Christian financial planning books and seminars–they give a dating or engaged couple a place to start working on a “financial philosophy” that will work for them.

I think a lot of couples honestly think they can live on love, not realizing that VISA doesn’t accept love.

I also think a lot of couples don’t go near the topic of money with a hundred-foot pole. In the U.S., the topic of money is more sacred than sex. It’s none of anyone’s business. I know several young couples who got married with the idea that they would each maintain their own separate savings and checking accounts and be independent of their spouse. Well, most of those couples are divorced now.

It has to come out in the open . A couple should do several things BEFORE they ever get engaged:

1. Be with each other during sickness, especially if the sickness involves vomiting (and I’m NOT talking about a hangover-induced vomiting!). If you still love the person after this, you’ve got hope!
2. Do something together that involves working with children and teenagers. E.g., volunteer for Vacation Bible School, coach a sports team, or sign up to help out at Special Olympics. Nowadays, it’s harder to find a “child” project, since parents are very conscious of sexual predators. But if you go through the Church, you can probably find something. Doing this will give each of you an idea as to whether you are going to be good parents. It also gives you a starting place to discuss children and parenting.
3. Worship together, not just once, but regularly. Become a “couple” at your church. See how it feels. It should feel right.
4. Talk about money! Lots. Be completely honest.

I think that if more couples did these things, they would possibly go into marriage better prepared. JMO.

 

[Al_Masetti]

A lot of people are afraid of putting money in a 401k because their fear is that they won’t be able to live on their reduced take-home pay.

So, if one spouse is reluctant for that reason, the the other spouse has to successfully convince that person that they can survive on less immediate income. The tax savings are good, but there still will be less immediate cash money.

Perhaps by living on less money and putting the equivalent of the 401k in the bank until you get used to the idea of living on less.

Perhaps by jointly reviewing the options available in the company’s plan … not all mutual funds are alike. Perhaps by doing some continuous reading on the financial markets (Forbes, Investors Business Daily) are my favorites. Keeping in mind that EVERYONE has an agenda. IBD likes “momentum investing”, for example; but momentum can get you in both directions. At the WSJ, there is a war going on between the news pages (left wing) and the editorial pages (right wing). On television, the emphasis is on drama to generate an audience. I have met some of these folks off-camera and they are much calmer in real life.

Cramer’s radio program is a model of calmness.

Larry Kudlow is an interesting fellow, but on television … because it is a “hot medium” … the folks have to amp up the volume and the emotion … otherwise they become just another talking head … snooze.

And you can’t invest in real estate or the fancy mortgage product unless you have been working in it for years … even experienced bankers get burned. There are ins and outs in every field. There is always somebody out there looking a commission or a piece of YOUR action.

So, extreme caution is called for.

Of all the books on investing, the one I like the best is by Robert Lichello.

The title is dorky, but the book is excellent.

amazon.com/How-Make-Stock-Market-Automatically/dp/0451204417

Also visit www.aim-users.com

And these techniques can be successfully applied to work and manage a 401k account.

 

[23eagle23]

The OP’s Post:

“All that to say, I know I have to forgive him and move on, especially since he didn’t do it on purpose, but the fact that he doesn’t understand why I’m upset puts quite a distance between us”

He made a mistake…move on…(you have never made a mistake he has fogiven?) …stuff Happens

IF this simple issue has put distance between the two of you, you need to chill out.

and the standard catholic.com answer maybe you need to go talk with your priest…about control and forgiveness…

 

[marymol]

Having enjoyed many of the above posts , wanted to share this suggestion that is heard as a biblical remedy , to help in the bumpy ride .

It is the verse in the Song of Songs where the couple - well the groom - calls the bride -’ my sister , my bride ’ ; have heard it given the interpretation that since many couples have not conquerd the selfcenterd , fallen nature and thus husbands try to rule the wives , forgetting to give them the dignity of the helpmate / partner , it is good to step back every so often and see each other more as brother/sister , which could cut down the often false expectations that brought on the romantic peek and instead help to build some compassion for each other’s weaknesses ! It is also far better that the devilish temptation to cut loose the ties and run ! ( after all , a brother /sister relationship is seen as something that always remains so .)

The above is also said to be a good periodic practice for all couples who also have to practice N.F.P which demands periods of abstinence !

Tithing /charitable giving is often recommended as the cure all for all money related issues and there are many who would witness to same , when the it is done with good intentions - to be just and honoring God , for the blessings He has given !

That deep joy that sets in after every such act can often compensate for all the pain and frustration of conflicts !

Then , there is the required foundation of mercy …for every building that is to stand …giving what is not deserved (and may be the o.p. is dealing with lack of a repentant attitude and thus fear that problems can resurface ! )

Would a merciful attitude bring forth same …often our Lord has a way of coming through in our faithfulness …

May our Lord and His ways be The Shepherd for us all !

 

[royal_archer]

The answer–make sure that each of you has an “allowance” that they can spend however they wish, even if it’s the most frivolous junk in the world. You’ll have to determine how much will work; it may just be a few dollars a week. But that little bit of his own money will give him that feeling of being a little boy with his own piggy bank to blow. And that’s important to men.

I used to be able to have some of my own money when I got paid and cashed a few bucks out of the paycheck and deposited the rest. I would use that money for lunch and for buying presents. But then my company swiched to direct deposit and I could no longer surprise my wife with gifts. I thought I had it beat when I had a credit card with no balance on it that we have had for a while. I waited till a day or two before the special occasion and then bought her some nice jewlry thinking she wouldn’t see the bill until a few weeks later after I had already given it to her. Well the credit card company determined it was an unusual purchase and called the house and tipped her off. I now have a separate checking account that I put my few dollars a week allowance in and she gets the rest, The bills and statements don’t go to the house so I can now surprise her and the kids with stuff at will. I can also stash away money for Christmas, that takes a lot of stress off of her.

 

[Just_wondering]

What I’m trying to say is that money issues will be different for every couple and every family. People shouldn’t compare themselves to the Smiths and the Jones and wonder why they’re doing so good and we’re doing so terrible! For all you know, the Smiths are bankrupt and the Jones are living on their parent’s loans!

I have to remind myself of this all the time. I’m not married yet, and I admit I’m feeling envious of a friend who just got married and had a big wedding ceremony with 300 or so guests. And my brother got married the week before my friend, and had a destination wedding followed by a 3-week honeymoon to Morocco.

My boyfriend and I are very compatible money-wise. We are both careful spenders and don’t want to get into debt, but we’ll splurge every now and again when we’re out with friends. The last few months, I’ve thought to myself after we’ve taken a friend or two out for dinner “that money could have been spent on an engagement ring” (albeit a very cheap one). I know that’s wrong of me - we need to budget for fun, too.

The truth is that life will always depart from the budget, and we are constantly making choices that affect our plans. My friend who had the large wedding goes on vacation twice a year and regularly updates her wardrobe and furnishings. She spends her entire salary every month, though, and hasn’t made a payment on her significant student loans in years. My boyfriend and I each generally come in under budget and try to save for the house and kids we know we want.

Sorry, OP, I’ve gotten off topic. I guess just be thankful that you caught the mistake, even if it was two years too late. Count your blessings about other things, too - sometimes the budget-killer is an illness in the family or a lost job, instead of a simple paperwork mistake. This one feels worse because it’s easier to put the blame on someone, but there are so many worse ways you could have lost the money. You don’t have a gambling problem, your husband doesn’t drink his paycheck on the way home, and your family, thank God, is healthy.

 

[Al_Masetti]

I have to remind myself of this all the time. I’m not married yet, and I admit I’m feeling envious of a friend who just got married and had a big wedding ceremony with 300 or so guests. And my brother got married the week before my friend, and had a destination wedding followed by a 3-week honeymoon to Morocco.

My boyfriend and I are very compatible money-wise. We are both careful spenders and don’t want to get into debt, but we’ll splurge every now and again when we’re out with friends. The last few months, I’ve thought to myself after we’ve taken a friend or two out for dinner “that money could have been spent on an engagement ring” (albeit a very cheap one). I know that’s wrong of me - we need to budget for fun, too.

The truth is that life will always depart from the budget, and we are constantly making choices that affect our plans. My friend who had the large wedding goes on vacation twice a year and regularly updates her wardrobe and furnishings. She spends her entire salary every month, though, and hasn’t made a payment on her significant student loans in years. My boyfriend and I each generally come in under budget and try to save for the house and kids we know we want.

Sorry, OP, I’ve gotten off topic. I guess just be thankful that you caught the mistake, even if it was two years too late. Count your blessings about other things, too - sometimes the budget-killer is an illness in the family or a lost job, instead of a simple paperwork mistake. This one feels worse because it’s easier to put the blame on someone, but there are so many worse ways you could have lost the money. You don’t have a gambling problem, your husband doesn’t drink his paycheck on the way home, and your family, thank God, is healthy.

When my wife and I were planning to get married, we were deluged with folks who insisted we have tons of attendants, a flower girl, and all that. But after a tough grueling day of “interviewing” managers of banquet halls, we had dinner at a small family restaurant. It was decorated like one of those picturesque Bavarian Chalets … dark wood and an accordian player with lederhosen.

The menu was modestly priced and the food we saw being brought out was attractively presented on the plates … so we asked if we could speak with the manager.

The manager came over … a little apprehensive … “who are these people and why do they want to see the manager?”] … and we asked if he had a private party room. He got this funny look on his face. He said yes. We asked how many people it held and he said … well, it depends on how the table are are arranged … but 20 or 30.

So, we asked if we could talk to him about having our wedding reception there.

The expression on his face was priceless. Big smile.

The wedding party was just us and the maid of honor and the best man. And we had a couple of dozen guests.

And the party was right there at that family neighborhood restaurant. Worked out so great, that people still talk about it. The manager took care of all the arrangements. Musician. Wedding cake. Everything. He even managed the bar for us. Price was excellent.

Apparently after the party, folks had had such a good time that some of them lingered for coffee. The manager set up a table for them … out on the porch … just for sitting around for coffee while they got the place fixed up for the dinner customers.

Anyway, people still talk about it. And that was in May 1971.

So, no one needs to take out a second mortgage to have a wedding reception.

 

[Link21]

My wife and I have been married for two years. We saved up a lot of money and then bought our first home. We had nothing but a foton and appliances. The course of that year we spent probably I calculated over $18,000 on furniture home improvements, insulating windows, painting, counter tops, and a down payment on our home.which the bank wanted our business so bad they paid 1% of our loan off and gave us a great rate lower than the national average. To have good great credit is great.
But there are some simple ways to save, cook, bake, make bread at home. And don’t just cook maccaronni and cheese but great dishes. Also, turn the heat down when you’re not in the home to 57-55. Unless you like making Alliant or American Enegry CEO’s richer. More money in your pocket equals more savings, or having fun. Of course, we don’t have kids now. But I am set on the path by the age of 44 I could have $377,000 in a mutual fund not counting my 401k in which I deposit 10% into that. My actual plan is to have close to One million when I’m 40. This is all done on a salary of 40k. So you can manage money wisely or waist it and work the rest of your lives. And I believe I can do this even with 3-4 kids in the future.
I’m just saying it can be done but must be able to save, and do math. And savings = more fun now or in the future.