Marriage issue/family issue

[ChristIsLord]

i’m having an issue lately where i find I’m seeking reasons to leave my family, I am pushing them away and not sure what I should do to change it. but at times i can feel so angry i think it may be better if i leave. i never strike anyone or even lash out verbally, i hold it in and try not to show my anger but it’s there.

my wife and i married young and i’ve always been the bread winner. recently i was laid off and then got another job but only on a 2 month contract. i find myself riddled with anxiety over being the sole provider for my family. i don’t have a degree when most in my field do, with the economy the way it is work is tougher and tougher to come by.

i think i am pushing them away so part of me can just get it over with and i don’t have to witness my family see me not able to provide and lose our house, have the wife leave anyway etc… if i leave i feel it’s on my terms, i mean consciously i don’t think this, but maybe subconsciously i do?

does anyone else have this issue? or anything like this, not sure where to go from here, i’m in a near constant state of panic over providing, finances etc…

 

[iluvmybabies]

i’m having an issue lately where i find I’m seeking reasons to leave my family, I am pushing them away and not sure what I should do to change it. but at times i can feel so angry i think it may be better if i leave. i never strike anyone or even lash out verbally, i hold it in and try not to show my anger but it’s there.

my wife and i married young and i’ve always been the bread winner. recently i was laid off and then got another job but only on a 2 month contract. i find myself riddled with anxiety over being the sole provider for my family. i don’t have a degree when most in my field do, with the economy the way it is work is tougher and tougher to come by.

i think i am pushing them away so part of me can just get it over with and i don’t have to witness my family see me not able to provide and lose our house, have the wife leave anyway etc… if i leave i feel it’s on my terms, i mean consciously i don’t think this, but maybe subconsciously i do?

does anyone else have this issue? or anything like this, not sure where to go from here, i’m in a near constant state of panic over providing, finances etc…

Well when my father had to move from one country to another he had a tough time trying to find a job. When we first came to the USA many many years ago, my dad barely found a job as a dishwasher… My mother had to get a job because my dad didn’t make enough to provide for us. It was hard because he’s a graduated UN professional. It hurt my family a lot to have mom outside of the home, and I helped finish raising my siblings but they did whatever they could to provide for us.

It was hard for my father when my mother would tell him that he was worth more and he wouldn’t pursuit anything better because he was ashamed of what he was doing and the lack of language speaking made things even harder for him and he felt defeated. But they stuck it together…They spoke ALOT! And this that my dad was a raving alchy and beat my mom up a LOT!!! But the point is that they stayed together FOR BETTER OR WORST, THROUGH SICKNESS AND HEALTH, remembering those vows helped them resolve a lot of their issues…Everyone in the family had to make major sacrifices, and I rebelled terribly I regret it now but I am happy my parents are still together.

She will not leave if you only talk to her! It’s a lot of responsibilities to be the breadwinner I know, but you have to look at it from the father perspective you are providing for your family! My father will never take back supporting his family before coming to this country on his own. He did for many years, was the breadwinner, big time. My mother was ASAHM and she loved every moment of it and he was very happy he was able to provide for us! He felt blessed to be the head of household and provide for his family! He felt that was his calling from GOD and took it very happily!

My ex didn’t take it so well, he promised me that he was going to allow me to be asahm when our children came he lied, it hurt me a lot to have to be forced to work, because he wouldn’t take on his responisbility. Forcing me to work caused a lot of issues, our marriage didn’t last more than 10 years…and 3 children later…
He hated me because I would practice NFP and not use contraceptions and because I WANTED to raise our children…Not a good way to do so…

If you and your wife spoke about you being the breadwinner and she the sahm then it’s your cross to bear, keep going don’t quit! There are better jobs out there even if you guys have to move, don’t stop though! Get a higher education. My ex never wanted to, and caused him to have very difficult jobs. Meanwhile I got into debt for myself getting a better and higher education, I support my children my ex calls me and harasses me about paying child support while he’s parading his new fiance with a nice engagement ring and travelling all over the place, I have to beg him for money on occasions! He stopped working and didn’t send a single penny while he started working, it has been very difficult. Don’t make it difficult for your family! Don’t push them away. Sit down and talk!

Seek help and advice from a priest and see a counselor. Speak with your wife, talk about everything, your feelings, your needs and what she can do to help you as well as listen to her and her needs and see what you can do to help her!! It’s a 50/50 thing we are not in the 20s where wives were a property and they had to obey at all costs. I know now-a-days it takes 2 to support a family but sometimes sacrifices and luxuries have to be thrown away for the safty and sanity of the family…Live humbly…

I live as humbly as possible and even poor, unfortunately, I am trying and it’s a difficult struggle, I am hoping to remarry, but let me tell you I am not putting anything up on my db at all. I still need to be able to support myself and my children…

So speak with your wife and hopefully she will understand and remember to understand her as well! See if you can do pros and cons about her working vs staying home, pros and cons of sacrifices for you to get a higher education, pros and cons of things you can give up or live without, etc…See what you can do to save more money for your wellbeing and living situation…

See if you can work a refinance with your bank for your mortgage to lower interest, credit card debts, car loans, etc…

But remember don’t give up and don’t stop talking to your wife. Remember obviously you married her for a reason think about those reasons and relive them with her, she’s your partner your friend and as such you both need to treat each other…

Good luck and God bless!!!

 

[Trishie]

If you do succeed in pushing your family away or leaving them there is another whole set of resultant deep troubles and stresses. I’ve seen may people escape their marriages only to complicate their lives further, causing misery to their families and themselves. I’ve seen it in my own family. The fallout for my youngest son on deciding to leave his wife continues damagingly, and another family member has so much more complicated a life now that I fear a stress breakdown sooner of later.

Even if you leave, you will still have to support your family, you still could lose the house, and you’ll cause misery to your wife and children. You will also find great loneliness.

I do understand that you are under great stress and anxiety, and that having married young you may feel as my son did that you missed out on life. I don’t know that you are pushing your family away so much because you don’t want them to see you fail, but perhaps more because your anxiety and anger are taking over your life. Such anxiety can lead to depression and stress breakdown, so do you see any way you can seek help?

You are in a situation like so many now. I do hope that you can find longer-lasting and reliable work.
Have you explained to your wife how you feel, at a calmer time? Is there anyone you can talk to who may help you through.
Your symptoms if I can call how you feel and see things, mirrors my husband’s. He was 18 when we married. He kept threatening to leave for many years, and did indeed four times, causing disruption and unhappiness. He was difficult to live with in his anger and criticisms, but it was also awful when he left. One son said, "Mummy, I don’t know which is worse. Dad being here or you crying."My husband eventually had a stress break-down…so please seek help. Is there anyone you trust that you can talk to or can you afford to seek medical advice from your doctor?

I can urge you to trust in God but I understand that you may find this difficult in your anxiety. At least please tell God how it all is and ask His help

I ask God to help you, and to bless you and your family

 

[kage_ar]

Marriage is about being a team. Work together through the hard times. If this means things are bad and your wife can get a job to help ends meet, then, look into it!

You don’t destroy a marriage over hard times, you work together through them.

 

[1ke]

Confide in your wife as your partner and teammate in this troubled time. Don’t push them away or keep it inside. Let her share the burdens with you.

 

[ChristIsLord]

well I am good with finances i own our car outright, we have zero credit card debt, my mortgage is never late. I even make what would be considered very good money and I have a decent savings. It’s almost like I shouldn’t be stressed but I constantly am.

when I say leave my family I would still pay child support however if the house goes to a soft sale and we each get apartments and are living thin people will think “well they’re seperated that’s why they’re poor” etc… not “the father can’t provide for his family so they’re getting evicted”.

it’s tough to actually explain, but it’s causing great stress in our family, i know i’m not much fun to be around.

my wife wants to have more kids eventually although she’s not ready yet and stay at home and i absolutely do not, we’ve already been through the death of our son, and miscarriages that put my wife into a deep depression. i want her to go back to work, she was making $55,000 a year and got fired right after my lay off and now it’s up to me to basically hustle and pay everything. i don’t know i’m probably just venting.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Greg Popcack has a book called “God help me, this stress is driving me crazy” which I think you may find helpful. My local library had it. I liked it so much that I decided to actually buy it (so I could take my time doing the little exercises etc)…and I hardly ever buy I book when I could just borrow from the library. I think he at one point was going through a very tough financial situation and could offer you a different perspective on this. Check it out, you have nothing to lose:thumbsup:

 

[whatevergirl]

ChristisLord…I’m sorry for all you’re going through.

You suffered the death of a child. THAT IS HUGE. The stress of that might never leave you. I can’t imagine that! I’m so sorry. I have tears in my eyes typing this. So, you have that…and you are concerned with the economy, like so many Americans are.

I would really go into counseling…just for yourself, before you make any rash decisions. Talk to your priest…and confide in your wife, as 1ke suggests. But, don’t leave your family. Not like this. You are a man who is overwhelmed. **Men are allowed to get overwhelmed you know. **You are human, and you are not a machine. Men can break down…and it’s important for you to accept that. I think that men can often feel like they have to do everything at all costs–and if the cost if your health, then you have to step back a bit and look at the situation.

You sound very traditional, and tend to possibly think it’s your job to do everything. My dad was a lot like this, my husband often handles a lot too, and it’s important to vent…to cry…to mourn…to cling to your wife for comfort. Most importantly, to cling to Christ for comfort.

I would not underestimate the toll your son’s death has taken on your wife and you. It is huge…It is devestating. And the pain of that could last a lifetime. I think that it’s important to get some counseling for that…and then seek a counselor for your own inner turmoil that you’re in.

Remember…it’s ok for a man to feel overwhelmed. If your wife can go back to work right now…and help out with your anxiety…if that is possible…then, she should try to find something that will ease the financial burden off of you right now. I think you’re in fine shape, financially though. Want to handle my checkbook?

But, if you confide in your wife, and discuss options like her working right now, then at least you’re getting things out in the open. Anxiety and stress can cause physical health issues…don’t let this continue to eat you up. Vent to your wife, your priest…God…and I would seek a private counselor to help you with the things that are bringing you down.

God is good…He will always provide…and He will help you get through this. Turn to Him. Praying for you!

 

[GhostMan]

Forgive me if this sounds harsh, but what I’m hearing is “The stress of supporting my family is too much, I’d like to bail.”

That is selfish, cold and cowardly. Sorry. So you’re the sole support of a family and times are tough. Get in line. It’s no excuse to run out and leave your children fatherless. My gosh man, how can you even think these things?

You say your wife will leave you anyway. Really? She has told you this? Even if she said this it does not give you lee-way to abandon your family. Child support is not a father.

You chose to marry and have children. Now, man up and do what is your God-given duty. Many of us have married young; it’s no excuse to leave a family. Many of us have hard times; it’s no excuse to leave a family. Some of us have lost children; it’s no excuse to leave a family.

You need to come to grips with what is required of you. Control your anger, deal with your emotions and be the provider that your family needs. Perhaps you will have to cut-back your lifestyle. Are things so much more important than your children? Perhaps you will have to move. Perhaps you will have to see your car and buy an old clunker. Perhaps you will have to take a second job.

You are a father and husband. These are obligations you chose and entered into. They cannot be abandoned because they now inconvenience you.

sigh

 

[whatevergirl]

Ghostman–he is asking for help. He doesn’t sound like he has his bags packed. And it’s perfectly acceptable for men to become overwhelmed…what only women can become overwhelmed? That’s why there is so much disease in our country…it is OK to admit when one is overwhelmed. That is where he is. He has manned up, but he is allowed to feel broken down.

I wouldn’t want my husband to get a second job, if he was so stressed out as it was…have some compassion for a brother who comes here, hurting. Brothers can hurt, just like sisters.

 

[iluvmybabies]

well I am good with finances i own our car outright, we have zero credit card debt, my mortgage is never late. I even make what would be considered very good money and I have a decent savings. It’s almost like I shouldn’t be stressed but I constantly am.
OK so you make decent money and have a decent savings…So what’s the problem? Not enough for what luxuries? So what you have to sacrifice a little until your wife gets back to the work force…

when I say leave my family I would still pay child support however if the house goes to a soft sale and we each get apartments and are living thin people will think “well they’re seperated that’s why they’re poor” etc… not “the father can’t provide for his family so they’re getting evicted”.

Why would you want to do that to your children? Do you not love your wife any more? Is there another woman in the picture?

it’s tough to actually explain, but it’s causing great stress in our family, i know i’m not much fun to be around.

yeah stress can do that to a person but it’s something that with prayer, love, compassion and family time can be over come!!!

my wife wants to have more kids eventually although she’s not ready yet and stay at home and i absolutely do not, we’ve already been through the death of our son, and miscarriages that put my wife into a deep depression. i want her to go back to work, she was making $55,000 a year and got fired right after my lay off and now it’s up to me to basically hustle and pay everything. i don’t know i’m probably just venting.

More children is something that both of you will need more counseling for, it seems because you are both not in agreement, so you will both need to talk to someone about it…see your priest and look for a counselor…

I don’t know it seems that you are making it seem like you are the only one that got hurt after losing your children, your job, etc…As I can read from your thread your wife has endured much pain as well…THIS is the reason why you both need to communicate! Seriously! You both need to talk! Obviously she’s in the same stressful situation and need as you are. Have you put yourself in her place as well? Have you thought what kind of stress must she be in? Maybe it was this over working stress that might have caused miscarriage? Sometimes overstressing causes such problems??? I am no expert but this happened with my grandma whom had 8 miscarriages…She was told to be in bedrest woman didn’t listen!!! Anyhow, the point is that you should be venting with her, you know talking, speaking, conversing, spending time with each other. If you are able to sort out financials perfectly well, then you guys shouldn’t have much problems making it on your salary for now…Seek help, some doctors can help you with your depression as well as your wife’s and you guys can work things out better once your heads are in a better place you know?! There is no need for you to push away…Remember through sickness, and health, for better or WORST, give your wife the benefit of the doubt that you are keeping to such promise and work things out together. That’s the whole point. You feel horrible, lousy, stressed, that’s the moment you need to seek your partner/wife… don’t leave her out in the cold, you seem to love her so talk to her, let her love you back and both can show compassion to each other!

If there is another woman involved, remember “what GOD unites let no other take apart!” So you will need to see a priest about your situation…And see a marriage counselor…It seems both of you have worked so hard you need to go to a retreat and spend private and quiet time together for a while…I have heard it works wonders in marriages that are troubled!!!

Again good luck and GOD bless…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Forgive me if this sounds harsh, but what I’m hearing is “The stress of supporting my family is too much, I’d like to bail.”

That is selfish, cold and cowardly. Sorry. So you’re the sole support of a family and times are tough. Get in line. It’s no excuse to run out and leave your children fatherless. My gosh man, how can you even think these things?

You say your wife will leave you anyway. Really? She has told you this? Even if she said this it does not give you lee-way to abandon your family. Child support is not a father.

You chose to marry and have children. Now, man up and do what is your God-given duty. Many of us have married young; it’s no excuse to leave a family. Many of us have hard times; it’s no excuse to leave a family. Some of us have lost children; it’s no excuse to leave a family.

You need to come to grips with what is required of you. Control your anger, deal with your emotions and be the provider that your family needs. Perhaps you will have to cut-back your lifestyle. Are things so much more important than your children? Perhaps you will have to move. Perhaps you will have to see your car and buy an old clunker. Perhaps you will have to take a second job.

You are a father and husband. These are obligations you chose and entered into. They cannot be abandoned because they now inconvenience you.

sigh

I hear you and I know my father would agree with you…He did this on many occasions…We came first. He didn’t leave my mother and even though he abused her she didn’t leave him…They worked out through their issues…

And yes, perhaps it is not cool nor correct that he said what he said but perhaps he’s just venting, you know, you can’t help what you feel and how you feel you know? Sometimes you just have to let it out in the moment you feel it and it comes out wrong you know?!

Hopefully he will work things out and hopefully GOD will help him with this situation!!

 

[GhostMan]

Ghostman–he is asking for help. He doesn’t sound like he has his bags packed. And it’s perfectly acceptable for men to become overwhelmed…what only women can become overwhelmed? That’s why there is so much disease in our country…it is OK to admit when one is overwhelmed. That is where he is. He has manned up, but he is allowed to feel broken down.

I wouldn’t want my husband to get a second job, if he was so stressed out as it was…have some compassion for a brother who comes here, hurting. Brothers can hurt, just like sisters.

I saw no asking of help. I saw a man explaining where he was and asking if it was ok to leave his family. I have plenty of compassion, but I will not just tell someone it is fine to do something that would hurt innocent people. It seems clear, at least to me, that he has pride issues (rather let people think they are poor because they are separated than because he cannot support them) at work here.

Sometimes we are called to work second jobs. Perhaps it is a lifestyle change they need to make, but I cannot condone leaving a family over money and pride. Sorry.

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree GM. I told him he shouldn’t leave. But, his wife could get a job too. Not all men can handle two jobs.

I guess we read this thread entirely differently from one another, which is ok. I don’t see pride. I see someone who is overwhelmed, and doesn’t want to displease his wife. Maybe she is deeply depressed still from the son’s death, and can’t cope with a job loss…so he’d rather be gone. Maybe she is not understanding. Maybe she is the best wife in the world. Who knows. But, the fact that he is so afraid of disapproval from his wife, doesn’t paint a prideful person to me. This is just my take on it.

I would not leave your family, ChristisLord. I wouldn’t…but, know that you need to take ownership of how you feel, and WORK THROUGH those issues. Leaving your family will not make the issues you grapple with, disappear. And you will be abandoning people who love you.

I’ll be praying for you.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I understand the stress for a man and woman to get overwhelmed but even though, a woman that gets stressed doesn’t say, well at least not the ones I know, “that’s it I can’t take these kids and all this housework and my husband not wanting to help me, and we lost another child I can’t deal with this any more, and the dogs, and having to get a pt job, I am leaving I will help my husband by selling the house and giving him half and then sending him money!!”

It might be a feeling that he feels right now, and it’s fine that he needs to vent but he needs to realize the best thing to do is seek his priest and his WIFE!!! Not abandon them…That’s not the answer…you know?

Yes it’s hard to support a family, yes, like I stated before, I am the head of my household, I was single for a while trying to figure out how in the world to feed my kids, but that didn’t stop me from taking care of them, and I didn’t just call my ex and told him “here are your kids take care of them I can’t do it any more I have to work and study and take care of them all by myself!!!”

It’s a responsibility and the love I have for my children is more than anything and even if it hurts me or causes me health problems which I am having health issues right now, I don’t stop taking care of my children nor giving them all the love I can…And if I were married I wouldn’t push my husband away from me for a few issues of money. I didn’t leave my husband because of that, it was because of constant abuse and manipulation which he still does even after many years of divorce!!!

So talk to your wife…That’s what’s important here…communication!

 

[ChristIsLord]

I actually work two jobs sometimes three or four, on the weekends I work as a chimney sweep/mason/laborer whatever I can get. I do retail during the holidays, and sometimes bartend, I literally can’t work anymore, there are not enough hours in the day. I have no luxuries I haven’t bought myself anything that i can even remember, the car is my wifes i take the bus to work in manhattan.

I’m not asking if it’s o.k. to leave my family, obviously it’s not. i’m asking has anyone felt like this before? and what steps did people take to overcome these anxieties. maybe i am just overwhelmed and need to say something. i do not talk about it with my wife because she is fragile and depressed and i don’t want to make it worse on her, plus she may misunderstand and not get what i’m trying to say and get upset.

whatevergirl, thank you for your kind notes.

 

[whatevergirl]

And don’t discount the pain of losing your son, ChristIsLord…Did you and your wife seek counseling after that happened? I probably should have asked that up front.

 

[ChristIsLord]

I hear you and I know my father would agree with you…He did this on many occasions…We came first. He didn’t leave my mother and even though he abused her she didn’t leave him…They worked out through their issues…

And yes, perhaps it is not cool nor correct that he said what he said but perhaps he’s just venting, you know, you can’t help what you feel and how you feel you know? Sometimes you just have to let it out in the moment you feel it and it comes out wrong you know?!

Hopefully he will work things out and hopefully GOD will help him with this situation!!

you said your father beat your mother he probably did this because he was too stressed with working and not be able to provide the right life for his family. i’m of the school that it would’ve been better for your father to have left than beat his wife and have his kids witness that. i would leave before it hit that level.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I agree GM. I told him he shouldn’t leave. But, his wife could get a job too. Not all men can handle two jobs.

Ok but did you read where he said his wife lost her job after he lost his?? Meaning she is probably under a lot of stress too!!!

I guess we read this thread entirely differently from one another, which is ok. I don’t see pride. I see someone who is overwhelmed, and doesn’t want to displease his wife. Maybe she is deeply depressed still from the son’s death, and can’t cope with a job loss…so he’d rather be gone. Maybe she is not understanding. Maybe she is the best wife in the world. Who knows. But, the fact that he is so afraid of disapproval from his wife, doesn’t paint a prideful person to me. This is just my take on it.

Ok so he’s overwhelmed and leaving his wife whether she’s bad or good is the answer to cope with overwhelming and disapproval of his wife???

I would not leave your family, ChristisLord. I wouldn’t…but, know that you need to take ownership of how you feel, and WORK THROUGH those issues. Leaving your family will not make the issues you grapple with, disappear. And you will be abandoning people who love you.

I’ll be praying for you.

Yes it is a difficult situation but leaving is never an answer for something about money, if she’s an abusive wife then of course, seek help for yourself and your children OP but not for money…From your lack of info about how she is I am assuming she’s a great wife and you have a great marriage, the loss of children is unbearable I understand, my parents had to get over a miscarriage too, and it devastated my father, but with GOD’s help he recovered and is the best father in the world…Not running away…Dedicating and loving!!! So if things are well with your wife why leave someone that loves you? And your children???

 

[iluvmybabies]

I actually work two jobs sometimes three or four, on the weekends I work as a chimney sweep/mason/laborer whatever I can get. I do retail during the holidays, and sometimes bartend, I literally can’t work anymore, there are not enough hours in the day. I have no luxuries I haven’t bought myself anything that i can even remember, the car is my wifes i take the bus to work in manhattan.

That’s wonderful your dedication and support for your family and life there is difficult…Have you thought of moving elsewhere where living expenses might be a little less costly?! I admire you and believe me, you seem to be a great person. I have compassion for you but running away is not the answer!! I understand, I live without any luxuries either, if I buy a pair of work shoes it’s once a year or every 2 years…And believe me I don’t spend more than 10 dollars on them either…make sure they are on sale at WALMART!! If it wasn’t for my mother my kids wouldn’t have coats for winter, and if it wasn’t for my bff whom donated hers to me I wouldn’t either…

I’m not asking if it’s o.k. to leave my family, obviously it’s not. i’m asking has anyone felt like this before? and what steps did people take to overcome these anxieties. maybe i am just overwhelmed and need to say something. i do not talk about it with my wife because she is fragile and depressed and i don’t want to make it worse on her, plus she may misunderstand and not get what i’m trying to say and get upset.

I am sure many have felt that way before and like I stated before it’s ok to vent and to feel you have to do this but remember speak with your family… Talk to your priest and your wife… Then seek a counselor and a doctor…They should help you overcome anxiety… My brother in law tried leaving my sister once, but they spoke for a long time, it took them like 7 months to work things out, his issue was not like yours though it was because he wanted her to be asahm because he was spending thousands in child care and he couldn’t take it any more the complaints of the children because they were unhappy he wanted their mother his wife to raise them…they discussed and worked out for the next couple of years she worked and now she’s a sahm…but again, working it out and speaking with your wife is the best thing!!!

whatevergirl, thank you for your kind notes.

sorry if the things I stated are harsh, but believe me, we are all under a lot of stress too but there are other answers other than feeling overwhelmed to walk out on a family!!

God bless and good luck!