Marriage issue/family issue

[whatevergirl]

I actually work two jobs sometimes three or four, on the weekends I work as a chimney sweep/mason/laborer whatever I can get. I do retail during the holidays, and sometimes bartend, I literally can’t work anymore, there are not enough hours in the day. I have no luxuries I haven’t bought myself anything that i can even remember, the car is my wifes i take the bus to work in manhattan.

I’m not asking if it’s o.k. to leave my family, obviously it’s not. i’m asking has anyone felt like this before? and what steps did people take to overcome these anxieties. maybe i am just overwhelmed and need to say something. i do not talk about it with my wife because she is fragile and depressed and i don’t want to make it worse on her, plus she may misunderstand and not get what i’m trying to say and get upset.

whatevergirl, thank you for your kind notes.

ChristisLord, yes I wanted to leave my husband at one point. Not my kids, just my marriage. Yes, I have been there. My reasons were different than yours, for me, I was not mature…I didn’t want responsibility…I looked for my marriage to be a cure-all for all that went wrong in my childhood…and on and on the reasons went. What it all boiled down to for me, was that I really lost a deep connection with God at that time in my life. I became VERY self centered, and turned on my husband. He did not deserve that. We separated for a time, and when we merged back together…I was a better wife. Now, I can honestly say…I’m a great wife to my husband. Praise be to God. But, I wasn’t always, and yes, I have been there.

I know what it’s like to be selfish. I know what it’s like to hurt, and not want to share that with even the person I married. I don’t see you as being selfish…I see you as being overwhelmed. I think it will be selfish however of you (just being straight) to leave your family. I don’t think you WANT to do that…know you are not alone in feeling overwhelmed. Now, instead of feeling overwhelmed, I go to my husband.

You need to be able to share these thoughts with your wife. Not that you’re thinking of leaving…lol! But, that you are overwhelmed. Working four jobs…are you joking? I would not want my husband working 3 jobs…he worked two jobs when the kids were very young, but I was a SAHM. If your wife CAN work, and it works for your family unit, she needs to find a job. To put you out there for 4 jobs per week, is not fair to you, or the family. I mean, when do you all see each other?

Pray about this…with God, all things are possible. He can turn around the most difficult situations. God bless!

 

[Em_in_FL]

Marriage is about being a team. Work together through the hard times. If this means things are bad and your wife can get a job to help ends meet, then, look into it!

You don’t destroy a marriage over hard times, you work together through them.

Confide in your wife as your partner and teammate in this troubled time. Don’t push them away or keep it inside. Let her share the burdens with you.

I agree with these posts…

Destroying a family is the wrong thing to do.
Working together with your wife - as a TEAM - is the right thing to do.

Staying at home with the kids is NOT more important than loosing a father.
Sounds like she needs to help out financially - especially if she can make more - maybe consider having YOU stay home with the kids while she works?

 

[whatevergirl]

Yes it is a difficult situation but leaving is never an answer for something about money, if she’s an abusive wife then of course, seek help for yourself and your children OP but not for money…From your lack of info about how she is I am assuming she’s a great wife and you have a great marriage, the loss of children is unbearable I understand, my parents had to get over a miscarriage too, and it devastated my father, but with GOD’s help he recovered and is the best father in the world…Not running away…Dedicating and loving!!! So if things are well with your wife why leave someone that loves you? And your children???

You’re misreading my words…where did I say to leave his wife? I told him the exact opposite. Please don’t put words in my mouth.

 

[whatevergirl]

iluvmybabies said—>Ok so he’s overwhelmed and leaving his wife whether she’s bad or good is the answer to cope with overwhelming and disapproval of his wife???
(This was said to me above, I wish I knew how to capture quotes)

My reply…I never said that, iluvmybabies. I said the exact opposite. I never suggested for him to leave his wife. Please don’t put words in my mouth–thank you.

 

[whatevergirl]

you said your father beat your mother he probably did this because he was too stressed with working and not be able to provide the right life for his family. i’m of the school that it would’ve been better for your father to have left than beat his wife and have his kids witness that. i would leave before it hit that level.

There’s never a reason to beat a woman, though, ChristisLord.

 

[iluvmybabies]

you said your father beat your mother he probably did this because he was too stressed with working and not be able to provide the right life for his family. i’m of the school that it would’ve been better for your father to have left than beat his wife and have his kids witness that. i would leave before it hit that level.

No his father was an alchy and grandfather was too I believe, my father was an alchy and a drug abuser, he quit the drugs after my second sibling was born, but not the alchy and I believe so was his grandfather, and they all beat up their wives, they were violent drinkers and my father was too…Sober my father would never hurt a fly, sober I never saw him lose his patience, nor hurt anyone nor raise his voice…He is one of the best father’s in the world and sober he would never have hurt my mother…

I know he was too stressed, with working, thus he drank himself to sleep on most occasions…he was a jealous drunk…His friendss would ask him things like “so wheres that hot wife of yours?” And automatically he would leave the bar or whereever he was at to come beat her up and always accuse her of sleeping around… Had nothing to do with money issues…My mother worked herself so much now she can barely walk without leg and back problems but she did this to help my overwhelmed father…

I asked her to leave him, she didn’t she said, “for better or WORST”…I was the only one to witness this violence none of my siblings did…I stuck up for her on so many occasions, I even got hit for her…But I would do it over for her no matter what. And I knew it wasn’t my father whom hit her it was a drunk monster…

So no it wasn’t the excuse nor justification for him to drink, it was just that he was adicted since he was around 13 he started drinking and using drugs… Not because he had to support his wife and kids…

I am really sorry if the things I said sounded harsh, it is just that I worked really hard at saving my marriage, I asked my ex for more communication, he would push me away, instead of talking to me. And things never worked out… It kind of hits me right at home…And like I said it seems as if you are a good man, so don’t quit at your family, keep fighting, and talk to your wife. Believe me if she loves you as much as I believe she does both of you will be able to work things out and with the grace of GOD everything will be fine and work out for the best!!!

 

[iluvmybabies]

iluvmybabies said—>Ok so he’s overwhelmed and leaving his wife whether she’s bad or good is the answer to cope with overwhelming and disapproval of his wife???
(This was said to me above, I wish I knew how to capture quotes)

My reply…I never said that, iluvmybabies. I said the exact opposite. I never suggested for him to leave his wife. Please don’t put words in my mouth–thank you.

Whatevergirl you wrote "I guess we read this thread entirely differently from one another, which is ok. I don’t see pride. I see someone who is overwhelmed, and doesn’t want to displease his wife. Maybe she is deeply depressed still from the son’s death, and can’t cope with a job loss…so he’d rather be gone. Maybe she is not understanding. Maybe she is the best wife in the world. Who knows. But, the fact that he is so afraid of disapproval from his wife, doesn’t paint a prideful person to me. This is just my take on it. "

I took the “I see someone who is overwhelmed and doesn’t want to displease his wife…So he’d rather be gone. But, the f act that he is so afraid of disapproval from his wife…”

So it made me feel that you were stating that it was ok for him to want to leave his wife… I did not put words in your mouth…sorry if it seemed I did…Thank you!

 

[Trishie]

Your wife may be fragile but you’re not doing so well either. I ask God to heal you both. I pray that you are allowed to be honest about your needs and feelings and your need to communicate them, something she has managed to do. You’re supposed to be a team as others have said. I ask God to help you both live your marriage as mutually supportive partners.

 

[whatevergirl]

Whatevergirl you wrote "I guess we read this thread entirely differently from one another, which is ok. I don’t see pride. I see someone who is overwhelmed, and doesn’t want to displease his wife. Maybe she is deeply depressed still from the son’s death, and can’t cope with a job loss…so he’d rather be gone. Maybe she is not understanding. Maybe she is the best wife in the world. Who knows. But, the fact that he is so afraid of disapproval from his wife, doesn’t paint a prideful person to me. This is just my take on it. "

I took the “I see someone who is overwhelmed and doesn’t want to displease his wife…So he’d rather be gone. But, the f act that he is so afraid of disapproval from his wife…”

So it made me feel that you were stating that it was ok for him to want to leave his wife… I did not put words in your mouth…sorry if it seemed I did…Thank you!

That’s *part *of the post–I did specify for him NOT to leave his wife. It is ok for someone to feel overwhelmed, but not ok to leave his wife in this scenario. Hope that makes it clearer.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Yes, marriage is supposed to be a team… but I think the fact that the OP and his wife are not functioning as one right now is probably the biggest problem. He is afraid to talk to her because of her fragility. So he is handling it all on his own, bottling things up, and not getting any help. This man is overwhelmed and has been through alot (and I bet his wife is feeling pretty much the same). Since there is no advice we can give to help them come together again, I suggest we all pray that God intervenes and provides a light at the end of this dark tunnel. A little HOPE.

I think that is what the OP is looking for. I bet he wanted to hear from other people who have gone through similar life circumstances (especially other men) and SURVIVED. Someone to tell him, from experience, that it will be ok. I am willing to put good money on the fact that he did not come here looking to be criticized or have his motives questioned.

One of our brothers in Christ is reaching out for help… pray for him. Give him some kind, HELPFUL words.

What if he was your actual biological brother, what advice would some of you have then?**

 

[whatevergirl]

That’s what I said above too Malia. I think he is overwhelmed.
But, with God, all things are possible.

ChristisLord…I hope things get better. Take this Advent season to lay your burdens down for Christ to handle. I’ll keep you in my prayers…God bless you and your wife! I’m hopeful things will be better, if you just confide in each other, pray together, and allow God’s grace to take over.

Take care.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

That’s what I said above too Malia. I think he is overwhelmed.
But, with God, all things are possible.

**
I’m sorry:blush:… I intended to reference you in my post because I agreed with what you have been saying. But once I let the emotions take over the words just sort of poured out and I hit “send”… I guess maybe it takes someone who has actually been that overwhelmed and feeling hopeless to recognize it and empathize with it in others?**

 

[whatevergirl]

**
I’m sorry:blush:… I intended to reference you in my post because I agreed with what you have been saying. But once I let the emotions take over the words just sort of poured out and I hit “send”… I guess maybe it takes someone who has actually been that overwhelmed and feeling hopeless to recognize it and empathize with it in others?**

Oh no worries Malia! lol I was just agreeing with you too. :hug1: Hugs to you…hope things are well with you.

 

[Galnextdoor]

Christ is Lord,

I’ve been in your shoes as far as being the sole support of the family.

Have you checked into any marriage counseling? It might help you find the right words to describe to your wife what you are feeling.

It seems like you are working a lot. Have you set aside special time to be with your wife without any distractions? It’s important to have this time at least once a week. You don’t have to spend money. Just figure out something fun and free that you two can do together.(You are not allowed to stress or be anxious during this time. You have plenty of time to feel that way the rest of the week. ) The primary focus should be you two together enjoying eachother’s company. Are there any free or nearly free attractions where you live? I lived in St. Louis for awhile and there was always some museum or symphony that was free or nearly free. Check out nearby colleges. They often have free or nearly free things to do. Check your church bulletin. Is there anything going on that is free that you and your wife can go to? I know of one parish that shows old movies two times a month. Is there anything like that? See if you can get your wife involved in finding something free or inexpensive that you both might enjoy doing once a week.

The other thing you need to remember is God will never give you more than you can handle.
I recommend you read Matthew Chapter 6. It’s about not worrying and trusting God.
Whenever you start thinking OMG I’m going to lose everything, block it out by saying “Jesus I trust in you.” Say it until you are completely relaxed and believe totally in what you are saying.

Here’s another thing to think about. So what would happen to you and your family end up losing the house or have to sell it? Would the world come to an end? It’s just a house. As long as you have a decent roof over your head whether it’s an apartment or a house does it really matter? If your family loves you and you love them don’t let your fear of failure cause you to even think about throwing all of that away by leaving.

Have you looked into retraining for a different type of job? Some jobs offer apprenticeships where you are paid while you learn. There are government programs for displaced workers. Have you explored all these options?
When you wake up every morning, pray for God to make His will know to you. God has a plan for you. Don’t stop seeking until you know what it is.

 

[iluvmybabies]

**Yes, marriage is supposed to be a team… but I think the fact that the OP and his wife are not functioning as one right now is probably the biggest problem. He is afraid to talk to her because of her fragility. So he is handling it all on his own, bottling things up, and not getting any help. This man is overwhelmed and has been through alot (and I bet his wife is feeling pretty much the same). Since there is no advice we can give to help them come together again, I suggest we all pray that God intervenes and provides a light at the end of this dark tunnel. A little HOPE.

I think that is what the OP is looking for. I bet he wanted to hear from other people who have gone through similar life circumstances (especially other men) and SURVIVED. Someone to tell him, from experience, that it will be ok. I am willing to put good money on the fact that he did not come here looking to be criticized or have his motives questioned.

One of our brothers in Christ is reaching out for help… pray for him. Give him some kind, HELPFUL words.

What if he was your actual biological brother, what advice would some of you have then?**

My brother is starting to go through something like this and has turned into drinking, my mother said that over the past few months he’s gotten violent with his wife…I was very frightened when I heard this since it seems like it’s my father all over again… Very scary and disappointing…

I spoke with my brother he wouldn’t talk to me about issues nor problems, everything was fine…Without him talking to me I told him to seek a counselor, I told him he sounded stressed out and if he wasn’t willing to speak with his wife about their issues to seek counseling. They have a wonderful priest back home and I know he would have been very happy to hear him out and advice him, he just told me he was fine and that he had nothing to talk about…He seemed overwhelmed and his wife’s inability to stop with the whole “debt” problems didn’t help either…Then the new baby was born and he almost lost his wife, he was in the chapel praying the entire time 7 doctors were trying to help her and bring his new baby into the world…

He stopped his fighting and arguing…It’s been several weeks now that he’s not drank any alcohol, thank GOD! He’s still overwhelmed and even more stressed out because he needs to get someone to help his wife out now that she’s recovering from a really long and hard time during csection-in emergency-but he doesn’t argue with her…He doesn’t want to stress her out but I told him that he’s carrying all the burdens on his own and that wasn’t healthy! I know he feels terrible about almost losing his wife and fighting over debt or money issues, he’s stopped fighting. He told me “God gives me the strength to make it, I almost lost my wife I am not willing to put her through that again and I am not ready to raise children on my own, I hope God allows us a long marriage together!”

I feel bad for him, and wished there was something else I could do to help him, but you can’t help the ones that don’t want the help. Eventually he’s either going to receive a grace from GOD and seek out help or just burst, hopefully GOD will be able to help him since he doesn’t even want to help himself…

I mean he appreciates his wife more and tries to help her but all the things that have built up so far doesn’t help him much either…There is some resentment I can feel it when he expresses himself of his wife but like he said, he almost lost her, so he’s trying for her health and for their peace.

But the point that the OP is asking for advice shows he wants to work things out with his wife and is trying to find someone to help him…The best advice I could offer is to seek counseling…Someone whom he can speak with and vent and get better advice from, maybe his priest might help better too!

May GOD help you get through this OP, I wish you nothing but the best, and may GOD bless you!